(no subject)

[eyeswatchinu]

Ever sat and watched some one who you knew was devastaded, that at that moment their world was crumbling and you were much of the cause. Ever had some one almost beg you to just make one statement and everything would be ok. and you just couldn't force the words out of your mouth. Ever done this and had no emotion what so ever. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to be a bad person. I think I have ice running through my veins. I should feel.... but I don't ..... I simply can't. I am sorry that who I am hurts him.... he is my daughters dad and for years has been my friend....But I shut down emotionally so long ago. I never dreamed he would change and want to do right by me someday. I never dreamed he would even look closely enogh at me to know what I didn't feel. I simply can't feel what you have to in order to give emotionally to a relationship. I don't want to be left that volnurable again. The things we have done to eachother are part of who we are. Knowing that how do you have blind trust again. Why would you want to. I stayed. I was fine to co-exist, share the house, and raise our child. I knew what I was giving up in doing so and at times that was hell but I felt it was best for him and for her. I can't love HIM unconditionally, I can't bank on the rest of my life with him, I can't give so much of myself emotionally that my world crumbles if we go back to where we once were. He told me he loves me... that he knows he made me who I am.. but he can't live with this person. I can't be what he needs. Maybe I am a bitch. I just can't make myself feel for him what he needs me to feel. I can't be one of those normal families. I thought we were three years ago.I know what it is like to experience the hurt from true unwaivering love and I don't want to risk going through that again. I think he may have stopped by while he was working and said goodbye. I am not sure. I should be hurting but I am not. I am so sorry that he is. I never wanted to hurt anybody. He really needs more from me than I can offer. BUT I SIMPLY CAN NOT FEEL. I do feel so alone. I have been married to this man since I was 18. It may be ending. I am not hurt,,, all I feel is a sense of aloneness. Can that be a word or an emotion?

I dont have it in me to make and effort and spell check.... grammer people I am sorry.... I have issues.