When Badfic Happens to Good Fandom Part 2
Once upon a time, there was an a_mael and an eyesofshinigami, trapped together in the same house for an extended period of time. Having nothing better to do, they decided to write a fic together. This...is what happened.
Bear in mind, this is going to be an on-going collaboration...until we run of stupid ideas. So, without further ado, I bring you...this.
Cross-posted to a_mael, so don't be surprised if you see this more than once. And for those of you not on our mutual f-list...don't think for a minute that you got out of this.
Title: When Badfic Happens to Good Fandom
Authors: A'mael and Eyes of Shinigami
Pairings: 39, 58, and mentions of possible Doku/Kou
Warnings: NOT EVEN REMOTELY BRAINSAFE. Language, randomness, bad AU, suggestive themes, and rampant, rabid OOC.
Rating: No idea. Really, not a damn clue.
Summary: After having read entirely too much badfic, this is what happened. Premise is that once a year, the Sanzo-ikkou must endure a full day of OOC and bad AU to fill their quota. This year, it's up to Nii to show Kougaiji and Dokugakuji the ropes.
Disclaimer: We don't own Saiyuki. That's probably a good thing.
Link to Part 1.
The scene opened in a room that was slightly darker than normal. Judging from the height of the windows, it was a basement; if one went by the shape it was in, it was occupied by pigs. The furnishings were old and threadbare, a matching couch and chair in various shades of brown and beige - none of them less that hideous. Across from the couch was a large entertainment center, the focal point of which was a huge, state-of-the-art television. On one side, shelves held game systems that ranged from a Super Nintendo to a Playstation 3; the other side held video games for all of them, crammed and wedge into every available inch of space. They were all in order, both by system and alphabetically by title. No less than eight speakers were placed in strategic positions around the room.
A small distance away, in a slightly larger space, was a table. It was surrounded by four chairs, and in each chair sat a young man. On the wall to one side of the table were three bookshelves, each of which was packed with books. It appeared that they were arranged according to genre and author on the first two shelves; the third was occupied entirely by manuals for role-playing games. There was a single hanging lamp above, which shed a small circle of light around the table.
The shortest of the four young men seated there was engaged in what could only be described as an honest attempt to behead one of his companions with his wild gesticulations. His short brown hair peeked out from under a cap that threatened to fly off at any second as he enthusiastically acted out the latest harrowing fight endured by a favored anime ninja. The angry-looking blond on his left ducked automatically when a fist (complete with the usual ’DSH!’ sound-effect) hurtled toward his head.
The compact brunet templed his fingers together in the way of said ninja, yelling, “And then, Kakashi started up with his jutsu, and the other guy didn’t even stand a chance!”
“Kakashi’s a pussy,” Sanzo grumbled, still looking angry over his close encounter with Goku`s fist, “Darth Vader could kick his ass any day of the week.”
“Whaaaat?” Goku practically squealed, his expression crumpling until he rather resembled a cat of the Persian variety, “He so could not! He`s got the Sharingan, fer cripes’ sake! He can copy any attack!”
“One word, dickhead,” Sanzo retorted haughtily, pointing at the picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi on his t-shirt, “lightsabre.” The smug look on his face sent Goku into a spluttering fit of protest.
“Well…well, Kakashi doesn’t need one of those! He’s got shuriken, and jutsu, and daggers! Those are all ranged weapons, so they’re way better than some stupid light sabre,” Goku mimicked, pouring all the derision he could muster into the last word.
“Both of you shut the fuck up,” the redhead across from Goku intoned. “Wolverine would slice Vader to ribbons, and have Kakashi’s ass to the sky in seconds.”
If looks could kill, then Gojyo would have had to be resuscitated several times in order to fulfill the threat in Sanzo and Goku’s glares. He smirked and sank lower in his chair, raising his arms in a gesture of helplessness. Even Gojyo’s t-shirt, a large yellow happy face with a bloody bullet hole in it’s forehead emblazoned on it, seemed to be mocking the other two. Sanzo pushed his stringy, shoulder-length hair back from his forehead. The result looked rather like Kurt Cobain on a bad day.
Goku, only slightly chastened, mumbled, “I’d like to see him beat Goku, though.” For emphasis, his lifted the picture on his own t-shirt. A muscular anime character wrapped in a ridiculously tight orange and blue outfit stood frozen there, his spiky black hair at all angles and a concentrated expression on his face. Over his head were the letters ’DBZ’ in bright, sparkly letters.
“Pfft,” Gojyo huffed, waving a hand dismissively, “That Japanimation bullshit’s got nothing on Jack Kirby.”
“It’s ANIME, you asswipe!” Goku shot back, incensed. He lifted the baseball cap off his head, briefly revealing the ‘NERV’ logo on the front as he ran a hand through his flattened locks in frustration. Sanzo glanced at him and stifled a giggle.
“What?!” Goku demanded, glaring at the blond while he replaced his hat.
“That’s some serious hat-head,” Sanzo replied, “You even wear that fucking thing in the shower, don’t you?”
“No!”
“That’s because he doesn’t shower,” Gojyo chuckled.
“Fuck you, jerk-off!” Goku shot back, “At least I don’t look like some…some friggin’…hippie!”
“That was a great comeback Goku,” the redhead drawled, “Don’t forget to wipe it off your chin.”
Goku was up and leaning over the table, clearly about to crawl over it and pummel Gojyo. Sanzo reached down to his hip and grabbed something. With a soft whump sound, the object shot out as he flicked his wrist. Before Goku had gotten more than one knee up on the table, he was being rapped on the head by a collapsible green lightsabre.
The subtle sound of a throat being cleared stopped them all dead in their tracks. The fourth man, who had been silently reading a book all through the commotion, raised his head. Pushing his coke-bottle glasses up on his nose, he fixed each of his companions with a warning stare, in turn. Goku blushed, sheepishly lowered his knee, and then sat back down. Sanzo collapsed his weapon and replaced in on the hook on his belt. Gojyo snickered, but when Hakkai’s gaze rested on him, he had the good sense to stop that in a hurry.
Seemingly satisfied that the others were suitably subdued, he began, “Gojyo, I have found the answer to your question. You can take twenty on that lock, but since your character is a thief with a level on lock picking, you have to take the penalties that go with successive failures, as well.”
“Dude, that sucks! Can’t you…y’know…just kinda fix that for me?”
Hakkai, looking shocked, turned to Gojyo. “The integrity of the Dungeon Master must be complete and above reproach, Gojyo. Don’t ever ask me something like that again.”
Just then, a female voice floated down the stairs, “Hakkai, I’m going to the store. Do you and your little friends need anything while I’m out?”
Hakkai flushed a bright red. “No, Kanan, we’re fine,” he called back, a hint of embarrassment colouring his tone, “Thanks, though.”
“All right, then. I’ll be back soon.”
The door to the basement closed, and the sound of Kanan’s feet on the floor above moved across the room. Both Gojyo and Goku were looking up, their eyes tracing her path, across the ceiling. When the front door had opened and closed, both of them returned their attention to the table. For a time, a low swishing was the only sound. Goku looked at Hakkai with wide eyes.
“Dude,” he breathed, “your sister is hot!”
Hakkai gaped. “Stop talking about my sister!”
“Well, she is,” Goku insisted, before Gojyo’s sudden movement toward the table grabbed his attention.
“Yeah, right?” Gojyo nodded, “I mean, have you seen her tits? Seriously dude, If I could do her,” he shook his head slowly from side to side, “I would do her ‘til I was done!”
Looking positively stricken, Hakkai now gaped at Gojyo; after a moment, he gathered himself and laid a thump to the back of Gojyo’s head with the book in his hand.
“Hey!” he shouted, “That’s my sister! Have a little respect for my non-incestuous brain, you pervert!” Hakkai appealed to Sanzo for help. “Sanzo, help me out here.”
All three of the boys looked to Sanzo, who wore an expression so blank that it might have been a mask. His eyes were glassy, apparently staring at Hakkai’s shirt, which read “All your base belong to us”. In his left hand, he was tilting something back and forth.
“Kanan,” he wheezed quietly, and took a pull from his inhaler.
********
Kougaiji stared at the screen for a long time after the image faded, just blinking. Doku looked horrified.
“Well,” Nii chuckled, “I’ll just give you two a moment to assimilate that.”
Eighty-five seconds later, Kou finally found his voice. “That was…Oh, gods…” he trailed off, wondering how he was ever going to erase the images of the Sanzo-ikkou as greasy-haired…dorks.
“Depressing, isn’t it?” Nii quipped in a chipper voice. Kou threw a completely ineffectual glare at him, while Doku just sat, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. He had been rendered completely speechless.
“Right then!” the doctor continued, “Here’s where it begins to get really scary, boys.”
********
It was their damnable luck that the day was hot and humid, suffocating so. The scent of sweat and too-close bodies filled the air, but nobody had it in them to complain about it. “Wouldn’t it be nice if Hakuryuu had a top?” Hakkai asked cheerfully, earning groans from the rest of the occupants of the jeep.
“Can it, Hakkai. It’s too damn hot for that shit,” Sanzo grumbled in reply, using his sleeve to wipe his brow before shucking the robes completely off his shoulders.
“How much farther, Hakkai? The monkey’s starting to rot back here.” Gojyo reached over and tweaked Goku’s nose, having to dodge the half-hearted swat that came his way.
The young man didn’t seem to have the energy to reciprocate a proper argument. “If it wasn’t so hot, I’d smack you.”
“And I’d like to see you try, midget monkey!”
The usual squabble started, but Sanzo wasn’t having it. “God, would you assholes leave it alone for once? I swear-” He didn’t get to finish; Hakkai interrupted him by clearing his throat. The monk turned around, catching sight of what had alerted their driver. Naturally, Gojyo and Goku moved closer to the front seats to see what was going on.
-----
Four young women stood on the side of the road, huddled around what appeared to be a black convertible. A black-haired woman stood bent beneath the hood, her jean-clad ass high in the air as puttered around underneath. “Maki, I told you to check the water level before we left while Keiko was busy! Damn it, you idiot cat, learn to listen!” She righted herself and dusted off her tight, black sleeveless shirt, even as her ice blue eyes narrowed.
A smaller girl pouted off to the side, twirling a strand of blue hair, bright as a summer sky, around her pale finger. Large, dark, drowning eyes focused hard on the taller woman, and the silver choker around her neck jangled when she moved. “I did check it, Asuka! Kuroryuu made a funny noise when I tried to make her drink! Don’t blame me, you meanie!” She stuck her tongue out, crossing one leg over the other and adjusting her knee length blue jeans cutoffs.
The taller one, Asuka, snorted indignantly before she grabbed Maki by her hair. Just as things were about to start getting heated, another woman stepped in. “Maa, maa…we can’t have that sort of behavior! It’s no one’s fault, all right?” she said calmly, clearly the peacemaker. Her soft pink hair was drawn up into two buns on her head, and honey-brown eyes sparkled from behind thin, wire-framed glasses. Her rich purple cheongsam, decorated with butterflies, swished as she leaned down to pat Maki on the head. “There, there. I’m not angry with you, and neither is Asuka.” She cast a quick look to the tanned woman, who snorted. “See? Now…what do you think we should do, Ayako?”
The fourth woman opened her vibrant blue eyes and sighed. She had been meditating, and she didn’t like to be disturbed. “It’ll be all right. The Goddess will take care of us,” she said, her voice serene. She brushed a stray strand of long, flowing moonlight silver hair behind her shoulder to let it tumble down her white robes with the braid she kept. Adjusting the diadem around her head, she pushed back from her leaning position against the car. “How far away do you think we are from the nearest village?”
Keiko pulled the map from the glove compartment, then stroked the dashboard and cooed, “It’s all right, Kuroryuu…you can change back now.” A flash of light, and a small black dragon with a pink bow around its neck took the place of the car before settling on her shoulder. The little creature looked exhausted. Keiko gave it another pet before she held up the map. “According to this, we’re about four miles out. As it stands, we will have to walk.”
“Not if we hitch a ride,” Asuka murmured, pointing towards the jeep heading their way.
Meanwhile, in the jeep, a deep conversation was taking place about whether or not they should stop. So far, the votes were three to one, with Sanzo being out-voted. “Fine. Do what you assholes want. I don’t care.” The priest took a deep drag on his cigarette before flicking it out behind him. He knew that this had headache written all over it.
The jeep finally came to a stop, and Hakkai gave a wave. “Konnichiwa! Are you ladies in need of some assistance?” He stepped out of the jeep, Gojyo and Goku at his heels as they walked towards where they were. “What seems to be the problem?”
Keiko blushed before politely bowing in his direction. “Oh! What good fortune that you gentlemen happened along! Our dragon couldn’t make it to the next village.” She petted the dragon on the head, the little animal purring. “So, we were going to start walking.”
Gojyo did a quick once-over of the four ladies, his eyes immediately falling on the dark-haired beauty, who was leaning against a tree. “Well, shit. We certainly can’t let such lovely ladies like yourselves be on your own…what sort of gentlemen would we be then?” He gave her his best charming smile and held out his hand. “The name’s Gojyo, Sha Gojyo.”
The woman smiled as she took his hand and shook it. “Asuka. Nice to meet you.”
“That’s a nice handshake you’ve got there,” he said, slightly awed. He wasn’t used to finding woman with such a steady grip, which of course lead his mind elsewhere. Damn, she was a looker.
Goku, on other hand, was studying the smallest member of the other party with careful consideration. He cocked his head to the side before his face broke into a wide grin. “Hey, you’re like me!” he exclaimed, leaning closer to examine the unusual choker around her neck. “You’ve even got a limiter!”
“Sure do! And that diadem must be yours! I’m Maki! What’s your name?” she asked, eyes sparkling. He was really cute!
“My name is Son Goku. And your name is really yummy!” He blushed when he realized how silly he must have sounded, but when she started to giggle, he laughed too. Soon, both of them were practically falling over themselves in hysterics.
Sanzo was watching all of this take place with his arms folded across his chest, eyes narrowed, and refusing to budge from his spot in the passenger seat. Like they needed anymore distractions… “Excuse me, Sanzo-sama…would it be too troubling to allow us to ride in your Jeep to the next town?” Ayako asked, bowing deeply. When she righted herself, she stared at him with those intense blue eyes that sent shivers of…something up and down his spine. How did a person’s eyes get that blue? “However, if it’s going to cost you too much time…”
“How did you know my name?” Sanzo asked, lamely. Hearing someone call him ‘Sanzo-sama’ without sounding so…contrived, as it often did, was an entirely new experience.
Ayako smiled. “Because I have heard of you, and I know of your mission to save Shangri-La. I, too, have been charged with a mission by the Goddess I serve. I was asked to find the revered Genjyo Sanzo and aid him in any way I could. My companions and I have traveled far to assist you. My name is Ayako, Head Priestess of the Nocht Coven. Maki,” she indicated with a nod of her head towards the two giggling teenagers, “Is my charge, not unlike your Goku. A youkai with all the powers of a god, limited only by the necklace she wears around her neck. She is the Great Sage Equal to the Earth, born where the aura of Heaven gathered in a holy temple during meditation.”
“Yup! Aya-chan has been taking care of me for a long time! She’s my best friend, and my savior,” Maki added brightly, giving the woman a brilliant smile. She turned back towards Goku to continue chattering about their mutual favorite foods. Finding someone who loved meat buns as much as she did was the coolest thing ever.
Ayako nodded, still smiling. “And Asuka over there is my bodyguard. She’s a half-ling, just like your Gojyo. Her parents were of Native American and European descent, and she is a trained fighter and quite the card player.”
Asuka pumped her fist in the air, earning a whoop of victory from Gojyo. “Damn straight. Bet I could play you under the table, Red-head. Could probably drink you under it to.” She winked, and her words took on any entirely different connotation. For a second, Gojyo forgot how to breathe. Was she hitting on him?
“Like to see you try, honey. What’s say we give it a go when we reach the town?” He waggled his eyebrows at her, obviously recovered.
“Perhaps it would not be wise to leave these two rogues alone, right, Aya?” Keiko asked, eyes widening when she realized something. “Oh! Where are my manners? I have not introduced myself! My name is Keiko, and I am a scholar. I wanted to come with Ayako in order to learn more about Shangri-La.”
Hakkai chuckled, bowing to her in return. “It is nice to meet you, Keiko-san. My name is Cho Hakkai, and I too am a scholar. Perhaps we will be able to learn something from each other, ne?”
Ayako laughed, and suddenly Sanzo realized why she struck him so much. The calm she exuded, the laugh, the gentleness…she reminded him of Koumyou Sanzo. Something in his chest twinged, but he made sure to keep his expression blank. “Fine. You can come with us. Cause us any trouble and you’re out on your asses, got it?”
“Many thanks, Sanzo-sama,” Ayako dipped her head reverently, motioning for her group to come along.
Hakkai petted Hakuryuu and murmured, “I hope this won’t be too hard on you, my friend. It’s only for a couple of miles.” He got an excited ‘kyuu’ in response, and Hakkai noticed the black dragon curled up on the dashboard. He shook his head and laughed.
“It seems they’ve already made friends. Kuroryuu, stop being such a flirt!” Keiko teased, earning a small noise of protest from her pet. “Is your car also a dragon? How funny! What’s his name?”
“Hakuryuu,” Hakkai answered, climbing into the driver’s seat. He turned around, brows knitting together in concentration as he looked around. “Let’s see…Aya-sama, you can sit between Sanzo and myself on the console…Keiko-san, I’m sure you could fit between Goku and Gojyo, Maki-san, you can sit on the other side of Goku, and Asuka-san…”
“Will be fine right here,” Asuka purred, situating herself on Gojyo’s lap. She wrapped a lanky arm around his neck and leaned close, looking like a cat with cream. Gojyo grinned so wide that Hakkai feared his face might fall off, but the healer figured it wasn’t anything to worry about.
And off they went.
-----
It wasn’t that far of a drive, and the time had passed by pleasantly. Maki and Goku were discussing what they would be having for dinner when they reached the restaurant, Gojyo and Asuka were busy flirting, Keiko and Hakkai were managing to have a conversation about the care and keeping of dragons, and Ayako and Sanzo were talking about the mission she had mentioned earlier. All in all, it had been a decent drive.
They pulled up outside a restaurant in the village, Hakuryuu transforming back once everyone had exited the jeep before landing on Hakkai’s shoulder. The eight of them entered the establishment and they quickly got a table, mostly because the owner recognized Sanzo and blubbered at him. The monk paid him no mind as they all took their seats, but he did notice the two pairs of wide, eager eyes on him. “What do you want, monkey?”
“Can we have double orders of everything? We’re gonna need a lot of food,” Goku insisted, to which Maki nodded in affirmation. “Can we, Sanzo? Please?”
Sanzo was just about to say no, but when he heard Ayako laugh beside him, he knew he was defeated. “I don’t care,” he said, resigned. There was no way he was going to win between the two of them.
Goku and Maki both let out cheers as they opened the menu, starting to pore over its contents together, occasionally brushing hands and blushing at each other. It was rather cute watching them interact. By the time the waitress came, the two of them rattled off all the dishes they wanted, bewildering the poor woman to the point that finally Hakkai had to step in.
“Just bring us two of everything on the menu. That should make it easier for you,” he said with a smile. The waitress nodded and hurried off, leaving the eight of them to talk amongst themselves.
The food came relatively quickly for being such a large order, and dinner was just as pleasant as the car ride. Maki kept Goku suitably occupied, exchanging dishes and raging about how good the food was at this restaurant, while Asuka and Gojyo were busy reminiscing about the card games they’d played and their various exploits.
Hakkai and Keiko continued to chat amicably, discussing everything from their favorite books to discussing their careers before the journey. Keiko seemed interested in Hakkai’s talks about his days as a teacher, and he was enjoying her description of the library back home that she worked in.
Sanzo was surprisingly relaxed, glad for the fact that dinner wasn’t noisy and rowdy this time around; it was certainly a nice change of pace. “It would seem that you’re never bored with these three around, Sanzo-sama,” Ayako said, chuckling as she looked around the table.
“That’s what happens when you travel with a circus,” Sanzo said, the corner of his mouth tilting up in a smirk. “I’m sure you stay entertained with your bunch, as well.”
“Oh yes…some days keeping them in line is like trying to herd cats. But other days, well…I don’t know what I would do without them. They’re my family.” Aya’s expression softened and she turned towards Sanzo, her eyes sparkling like twin stars. That expression…god, it was so familiar that it made Sanzo’s insides ache. “Do you feel the same, Sanzo-sama?”
Sanzo went to vehemently protest, but he decided against it. He thought for a moment, mulling it over in his mind, but just before he went to speak, he was interrupted again. Expecting to hear the usual fight over the last meat bun, he was surprised when it wasn’t that at all.
“Here, Maki…you can have the last meat bun. I want you to have it,” Goku offered shyly, nudging the treat towards the girl. His cheeks were colored with the faintest bit of a blush, and he didn’t quite reach her eyes with his gaze; he was too busy staring at her chin.
A blush flooded Maki’s face as well, but she took the bun and broke it in half. “Here, we can share it. I’d like that.” Her blush deepened when their hands brushed again, the two of them meeting eyes as they each began to eat the shared treat.
“Look out, the monkey’s got a girlfriend!” Gojyo thundered, nudging Asuka in the side.
“Ain’t it just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?” Asuka grinned at her youngest companion as she pulled her Hi-Lites from her pocket. She went to pull one out, but a hand covering hers stopped her.
Gojyo gave her a cocky grin and a naughty wink as he said, “Allow me, my lady.” He set her pack on the table and reached for his own, tamping out two cigarettes. He made an exaggerated motion out of putting them between his lips and lighting them both, handing her one with another wink.
Asuka took the cigarette that was clamped between his lips instead, making her own show of taking the first deep drag from it. The sight made Gojyo shiver, and he took his own drag. Now that was hot, he thought.
Sanzo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes and went to pull out his own pack of cigarettes, but stopped mid-motion when he saw Ayako’s nose wrinkled in the direction of her friend. Slowly, he slid the pack back into his sleeve and folded his hands on the table; he wasn’t really in the mood for a cigarette anymore.
“More tea, Keiko-san?” Hakkai asked, shaking his head at his companions. He’d been tempted to say something to Sanzo, but the sudden change of behavior gave him pause. He shouldn’t discourage the monk if he was deciding to cut back. “It’s really quite delicious, don’t you think?”
Keiko gave him a smile that made him warm down to his toes. “Certainly, Hakkai-dono. Such a gentlemen.” A faint blush colored his cheeks as he poured her another glass of tea, before filling his own. He glanced over towards where Hakuryuu and Kuroryuu were sharing dinner. The two dragons were eating out of the same dish, their tails entwined. The sight made him smile, and he touched Keiko’s arm gently before nodding in their direction. The woman smiled warmly and gave a nod of approval.
“Now that everyone is full and satisfied,” Ayako started, folding her hands and resting them on the table. She turned to Sanzo with a calm expression on her face. “Sanzo-sama and I decided that it would be best if we travel together for the remainder of this journey, since it seems that our motives are the same. Are there any objections?”
No one had the chance to answer, however, because a huge fucking rock came out of nowhere and squished them all flat.
********
“What. The. Hell. Was. That?” Doku asked, clearly boggled. Between the overly-glittery ikkou counterparts and the giant rock out of nowhere, he wasn’t sure what to think.
Kougaiji sat blinking at the screen, bewildered. “Was that…Lirin?”
“I’m afraid not,” Nii answered, closing the lid on a rather large red button that said “IN CASE OF SUE EMERGENCY PUSH HERE.” He continued, “Of course, we’re always prepared for the eventuality of extreme canon character meltdown.”
“Is that what that was? That was horrifying,” Doku grumbled.
]Nii nodded ruefully. “Unfortunately. Mary Sues have the uncanny ability to morph perfectly rational characters into simpering idiots.”
Kou, who had been listening very closely, asked simply, “So then…you just push the button?”
“Well, normally we would wait until things got somewhat worse…” Nii trailed off, his expression darkening alarmingly. “But no one attempts to take Koumyou Sanzo’s imagery without swift retribution.” By this time he was clutching the pointer so hard that it bent in the middle.
Kou and Doku had the good sense to look mildly perturbed.
Suddenly, Nii broke into a wide grin and said in a chipper, brittle voice, “Well then! Are we ready for the next lesson?”
********
To be continued…again.
Bear in mind, this is going to be an on-going collaboration...until we run of stupid ideas. So, without further ado, I bring you...this.
Cross-posted to a_mael, so don't be surprised if you see this more than once. And for those of you not on our mutual f-list...don't think for a minute that you got out of this.
Title: When Badfic Happens to Good Fandom
Authors: A'mael and Eyes of Shinigami
Pairings: 39, 58, and mentions of possible Doku/Kou
Warnings: NOT EVEN REMOTELY BRAINSAFE. Language, randomness, bad AU, suggestive themes, and rampant, rabid OOC.
Rating: No idea. Really, not a damn clue.
Summary: After having read entirely too much badfic, this is what happened. Premise is that once a year, the Sanzo-ikkou must endure a full day of OOC and bad AU to fill their quota. This year, it's up to Nii to show Kougaiji and Dokugakuji the ropes.
Disclaimer: We don't own Saiyuki. That's probably a good thing.
Link to Part 1.
The scene opened in a room that was slightly darker than normal. Judging from the height of the windows, it was a basement; if one went by the shape it was in, it was occupied by pigs. The furnishings were old and threadbare, a matching couch and chair in various shades of brown and beige - none of them less that hideous. Across from the couch was a large entertainment center, the focal point of which was a huge, state-of-the-art television. On one side, shelves held game systems that ranged from a Super Nintendo to a Playstation 3; the other side held video games for all of them, crammed and wedge into every available inch of space. They were all in order, both by system and alphabetically by title. No less than eight speakers were placed in strategic positions around the room.
A small distance away, in a slightly larger space, was a table. It was surrounded by four chairs, and in each chair sat a young man. On the wall to one side of the table were three bookshelves, each of which was packed with books. It appeared that they were arranged according to genre and author on the first two shelves; the third was occupied entirely by manuals for role-playing games. There was a single hanging lamp above, which shed a small circle of light around the table.
The shortest of the four young men seated there was engaged in what could only be described as an honest attempt to behead one of his companions with his wild gesticulations. His short brown hair peeked out from under a cap that threatened to fly off at any second as he enthusiastically acted out the latest harrowing fight endured by a favored anime ninja. The angry-looking blond on his left ducked automatically when a fist (complete with the usual ’DSH!’ sound-effect) hurtled toward his head.
The compact brunet templed his fingers together in the way of said ninja, yelling, “And then, Kakashi started up with his jutsu, and the other guy didn’t even stand a chance!”
“Kakashi’s a pussy,” Sanzo grumbled, still looking angry over his close encounter with Goku`s fist, “Darth Vader could kick his ass any day of the week.”
“Whaaaat?” Goku practically squealed, his expression crumpling until he rather resembled a cat of the Persian variety, “He so could not! He`s got the Sharingan, fer cripes’ sake! He can copy any attack!”
“One word, dickhead,” Sanzo retorted haughtily, pointing at the picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi on his t-shirt, “lightsabre.” The smug look on his face sent Goku into a spluttering fit of protest.
“Well…well, Kakashi doesn’t need one of those! He’s got shuriken, and jutsu, and daggers! Those are all ranged weapons, so they’re way better than some stupid light sabre,” Goku mimicked, pouring all the derision he could muster into the last word.
“Both of you shut the fuck up,” the redhead across from Goku intoned. “Wolverine would slice Vader to ribbons, and have Kakashi’s ass to the sky in seconds.”
If looks could kill, then Gojyo would have had to be resuscitated several times in order to fulfill the threat in Sanzo and Goku’s glares. He smirked and sank lower in his chair, raising his arms in a gesture of helplessness. Even Gojyo’s t-shirt, a large yellow happy face with a bloody bullet hole in it’s forehead emblazoned on it, seemed to be mocking the other two. Sanzo pushed his stringy, shoulder-length hair back from his forehead. The result looked rather like Kurt Cobain on a bad day.
Goku, only slightly chastened, mumbled, “I’d like to see him beat Goku, though.” For emphasis, his lifted the picture on his own t-shirt. A muscular anime character wrapped in a ridiculously tight orange and blue outfit stood frozen there, his spiky black hair at all angles and a concentrated expression on his face. Over his head were the letters ’DBZ’ in bright, sparkly letters.
“Pfft,” Gojyo huffed, waving a hand dismissively, “That Japanimation bullshit’s got nothing on Jack Kirby.”
“It’s ANIME, you asswipe!” Goku shot back, incensed. He lifted the baseball cap off his head, briefly revealing the ‘NERV’ logo on the front as he ran a hand through his flattened locks in frustration. Sanzo glanced at him and stifled a giggle.
“What?!” Goku demanded, glaring at the blond while he replaced his hat.
“That’s some serious hat-head,” Sanzo replied, “You even wear that fucking thing in the shower, don’t you?”
“No!”
“That’s because he doesn’t shower,” Gojyo chuckled.
“Fuck you, jerk-off!” Goku shot back, “At least I don’t look like some…some friggin’…hippie!”
“That was a great comeback Goku,” the redhead drawled, “Don’t forget to wipe it off your chin.”
Goku was up and leaning over the table, clearly about to crawl over it and pummel Gojyo. Sanzo reached down to his hip and grabbed something. With a soft whump sound, the object shot out as he flicked his wrist. Before Goku had gotten more than one knee up on the table, he was being rapped on the head by a collapsible green lightsabre.
The subtle sound of a throat being cleared stopped them all dead in their tracks. The fourth man, who had been silently reading a book all through the commotion, raised his head. Pushing his coke-bottle glasses up on his nose, he fixed each of his companions with a warning stare, in turn. Goku blushed, sheepishly lowered his knee, and then sat back down. Sanzo collapsed his weapon and replaced in on the hook on his belt. Gojyo snickered, but when Hakkai’s gaze rested on him, he had the good sense to stop that in a hurry.
Seemingly satisfied that the others were suitably subdued, he began, “Gojyo, I have found the answer to your question. You can take twenty on that lock, but since your character is a thief with a level on lock picking, you have to take the penalties that go with successive failures, as well.”
“Dude, that sucks! Can’t you…y’know…just kinda fix that for me?”
Hakkai, looking shocked, turned to Gojyo. “The integrity of the Dungeon Master must be complete and above reproach, Gojyo. Don’t ever ask me something like that again.”
Just then, a female voice floated down the stairs, “Hakkai, I’m going to the store. Do you and your little friends need anything while I’m out?”
Hakkai flushed a bright red. “No, Kanan, we’re fine,” he called back, a hint of embarrassment colouring his tone, “Thanks, though.”
“All right, then. I’ll be back soon.”
The door to the basement closed, and the sound of Kanan’s feet on the floor above moved across the room. Both Gojyo and Goku were looking up, their eyes tracing her path, across the ceiling. When the front door had opened and closed, both of them returned their attention to the table. For a time, a low swishing was the only sound. Goku looked at Hakkai with wide eyes.
“Dude,” he breathed, “your sister is hot!”
Hakkai gaped. “Stop talking about my sister!”
“Well, she is,” Goku insisted, before Gojyo’s sudden movement toward the table grabbed his attention.
“Yeah, right?” Gojyo nodded, “I mean, have you seen her tits? Seriously dude, If I could do her,” he shook his head slowly from side to side, “I would do her ‘til I was done!”
Looking positively stricken, Hakkai now gaped at Gojyo; after a moment, he gathered himself and laid a thump to the back of Gojyo’s head with the book in his hand.
“Hey!” he shouted, “That’s my sister! Have a little respect for my non-incestuous brain, you pervert!” Hakkai appealed to Sanzo for help. “Sanzo, help me out here.”
All three of the boys looked to Sanzo, who wore an expression so blank that it might have been a mask. His eyes were glassy, apparently staring at Hakkai’s shirt, which read “All your base belong to us”. In his left hand, he was tilting something back and forth.
“Kanan,” he wheezed quietly, and took a pull from his inhaler.
********
Kougaiji stared at the screen for a long time after the image faded, just blinking. Doku looked horrified.
“Well,” Nii chuckled, “I’ll just give you two a moment to assimilate that.”
Eighty-five seconds later, Kou finally found his voice. “That was…Oh, gods…” he trailed off, wondering how he was ever going to erase the images of the Sanzo-ikkou as greasy-haired…dorks.
“Depressing, isn’t it?” Nii quipped in a chipper voice. Kou threw a completely ineffectual glare at him, while Doku just sat, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. He had been rendered completely speechless.
“Right then!” the doctor continued, “Here’s where it begins to get really scary, boys.”
********
It was their damnable luck that the day was hot and humid, suffocating so. The scent of sweat and too-close bodies filled the air, but nobody had it in them to complain about it. “Wouldn’t it be nice if Hakuryuu had a top?” Hakkai asked cheerfully, earning groans from the rest of the occupants of the jeep.
“Can it, Hakkai. It’s too damn hot for that shit,” Sanzo grumbled in reply, using his sleeve to wipe his brow before shucking the robes completely off his shoulders.
“How much farther, Hakkai? The monkey’s starting to rot back here.” Gojyo reached over and tweaked Goku’s nose, having to dodge the half-hearted swat that came his way.
The young man didn’t seem to have the energy to reciprocate a proper argument. “If it wasn’t so hot, I’d smack you.”
“And I’d like to see you try, midget monkey!”
The usual squabble started, but Sanzo wasn’t having it. “God, would you assholes leave it alone for once? I swear-” He didn’t get to finish; Hakkai interrupted him by clearing his throat. The monk turned around, catching sight of what had alerted their driver. Naturally, Gojyo and Goku moved closer to the front seats to see what was going on.
-----
Four young women stood on the side of the road, huddled around what appeared to be a black convertible. A black-haired woman stood bent beneath the hood, her jean-clad ass high in the air as puttered around underneath. “Maki, I told you to check the water level before we left while Keiko was busy! Damn it, you idiot cat, learn to listen!” She righted herself and dusted off her tight, black sleeveless shirt, even as her ice blue eyes narrowed.
A smaller girl pouted off to the side, twirling a strand of blue hair, bright as a summer sky, around her pale finger. Large, dark, drowning eyes focused hard on the taller woman, and the silver choker around her neck jangled when she moved. “I did check it, Asuka! Kuroryuu made a funny noise when I tried to make her drink! Don’t blame me, you meanie!” She stuck her tongue out, crossing one leg over the other and adjusting her knee length blue jeans cutoffs.
The taller one, Asuka, snorted indignantly before she grabbed Maki by her hair. Just as things were about to start getting heated, another woman stepped in. “Maa, maa…we can’t have that sort of behavior! It’s no one’s fault, all right?” she said calmly, clearly the peacemaker. Her soft pink hair was drawn up into two buns on her head, and honey-brown eyes sparkled from behind thin, wire-framed glasses. Her rich purple cheongsam, decorated with butterflies, swished as she leaned down to pat Maki on the head. “There, there. I’m not angry with you, and neither is Asuka.” She cast a quick look to the tanned woman, who snorted. “See? Now…what do you think we should do, Ayako?”
The fourth woman opened her vibrant blue eyes and sighed. She had been meditating, and she didn’t like to be disturbed. “It’ll be all right. The Goddess will take care of us,” she said, her voice serene. She brushed a stray strand of long, flowing moonlight silver hair behind her shoulder to let it tumble down her white robes with the braid she kept. Adjusting the diadem around her head, she pushed back from her leaning position against the car. “How far away do you think we are from the nearest village?”
Keiko pulled the map from the glove compartment, then stroked the dashboard and cooed, “It’s all right, Kuroryuu…you can change back now.” A flash of light, and a small black dragon with a pink bow around its neck took the place of the car before settling on her shoulder. The little creature looked exhausted. Keiko gave it another pet before she held up the map. “According to this, we’re about four miles out. As it stands, we will have to walk.”
“Not if we hitch a ride,” Asuka murmured, pointing towards the jeep heading their way.
Meanwhile, in the jeep, a deep conversation was taking place about whether or not they should stop. So far, the votes were three to one, with Sanzo being out-voted. “Fine. Do what you assholes want. I don’t care.” The priest took a deep drag on his cigarette before flicking it out behind him. He knew that this had headache written all over it.
The jeep finally came to a stop, and Hakkai gave a wave. “Konnichiwa! Are you ladies in need of some assistance?” He stepped out of the jeep, Gojyo and Goku at his heels as they walked towards where they were. “What seems to be the problem?”
Keiko blushed before politely bowing in his direction. “Oh! What good fortune that you gentlemen happened along! Our dragon couldn’t make it to the next village.” She petted the dragon on the head, the little animal purring. “So, we were going to start walking.”
Gojyo did a quick once-over of the four ladies, his eyes immediately falling on the dark-haired beauty, who was leaning against a tree. “Well, shit. We certainly can’t let such lovely ladies like yourselves be on your own…what sort of gentlemen would we be then?” He gave her his best charming smile and held out his hand. “The name’s Gojyo, Sha Gojyo.”
The woman smiled as she took his hand and shook it. “Asuka. Nice to meet you.”
“That’s a nice handshake you’ve got there,” he said, slightly awed. He wasn’t used to finding woman with such a steady grip, which of course lead his mind elsewhere. Damn, she was a looker.
Goku, on other hand, was studying the smallest member of the other party with careful consideration. He cocked his head to the side before his face broke into a wide grin. “Hey, you’re like me!” he exclaimed, leaning closer to examine the unusual choker around her neck. “You’ve even got a limiter!”
“Sure do! And that diadem must be yours! I’m Maki! What’s your name?” she asked, eyes sparkling. He was really cute!
“My name is Son Goku. And your name is really yummy!” He blushed when he realized how silly he must have sounded, but when she started to giggle, he laughed too. Soon, both of them were practically falling over themselves in hysterics.
Sanzo was watching all of this take place with his arms folded across his chest, eyes narrowed, and refusing to budge from his spot in the passenger seat. Like they needed anymore distractions… “Excuse me, Sanzo-sama…would it be too troubling to allow us to ride in your Jeep to the next town?” Ayako asked, bowing deeply. When she righted herself, she stared at him with those intense blue eyes that sent shivers of…something up and down his spine. How did a person’s eyes get that blue? “However, if it’s going to cost you too much time…”
“How did you know my name?” Sanzo asked, lamely. Hearing someone call him ‘Sanzo-sama’ without sounding so…contrived, as it often did, was an entirely new experience.
Ayako smiled. “Because I have heard of you, and I know of your mission to save Shangri-La. I, too, have been charged with a mission by the Goddess I serve. I was asked to find the revered Genjyo Sanzo and aid him in any way I could. My companions and I have traveled far to assist you. My name is Ayako, Head Priestess of the Nocht Coven. Maki,” she indicated with a nod of her head towards the two giggling teenagers, “Is my charge, not unlike your Goku. A youkai with all the powers of a god, limited only by the necklace she wears around her neck. She is the Great Sage Equal to the Earth, born where the aura of Heaven gathered in a holy temple during meditation.”
“Yup! Aya-chan has been taking care of me for a long time! She’s my best friend, and my savior,” Maki added brightly, giving the woman a brilliant smile. She turned back towards Goku to continue chattering about their mutual favorite foods. Finding someone who loved meat buns as much as she did was the coolest thing ever.
Ayako nodded, still smiling. “And Asuka over there is my bodyguard. She’s a half-ling, just like your Gojyo. Her parents were of Native American and European descent, and she is a trained fighter and quite the card player.”
Asuka pumped her fist in the air, earning a whoop of victory from Gojyo. “Damn straight. Bet I could play you under the table, Red-head. Could probably drink you under it to.” She winked, and her words took on any entirely different connotation. For a second, Gojyo forgot how to breathe. Was she hitting on him?
“Like to see you try, honey. What’s say we give it a go when we reach the town?” He waggled his eyebrows at her, obviously recovered.
“Perhaps it would not be wise to leave these two rogues alone, right, Aya?” Keiko asked, eyes widening when she realized something. “Oh! Where are my manners? I have not introduced myself! My name is Keiko, and I am a scholar. I wanted to come with Ayako in order to learn more about Shangri-La.”
Hakkai chuckled, bowing to her in return. “It is nice to meet you, Keiko-san. My name is Cho Hakkai, and I too am a scholar. Perhaps we will be able to learn something from each other, ne?”
Ayako laughed, and suddenly Sanzo realized why she struck him so much. The calm she exuded, the laugh, the gentleness…she reminded him of Koumyou Sanzo. Something in his chest twinged, but he made sure to keep his expression blank. “Fine. You can come with us. Cause us any trouble and you’re out on your asses, got it?”
“Many thanks, Sanzo-sama,” Ayako dipped her head reverently, motioning for her group to come along.
Hakkai petted Hakuryuu and murmured, “I hope this won’t be too hard on you, my friend. It’s only for a couple of miles.” He got an excited ‘kyuu’ in response, and Hakkai noticed the black dragon curled up on the dashboard. He shook his head and laughed.
“It seems they’ve already made friends. Kuroryuu, stop being such a flirt!” Keiko teased, earning a small noise of protest from her pet. “Is your car also a dragon? How funny! What’s his name?”
“Hakuryuu,” Hakkai answered, climbing into the driver’s seat. He turned around, brows knitting together in concentration as he looked around. “Let’s see…Aya-sama, you can sit between Sanzo and myself on the console…Keiko-san, I’m sure you could fit between Goku and Gojyo, Maki-san, you can sit on the other side of Goku, and Asuka-san…”
“Will be fine right here,” Asuka purred, situating herself on Gojyo’s lap. She wrapped a lanky arm around his neck and leaned close, looking like a cat with cream. Gojyo grinned so wide that Hakkai feared his face might fall off, but the healer figured it wasn’t anything to worry about.
And off they went.
-----
It wasn’t that far of a drive, and the time had passed by pleasantly. Maki and Goku were discussing what they would be having for dinner when they reached the restaurant, Gojyo and Asuka were busy flirting, Keiko and Hakkai were managing to have a conversation about the care and keeping of dragons, and Ayako and Sanzo were talking about the mission she had mentioned earlier. All in all, it had been a decent drive.
They pulled up outside a restaurant in the village, Hakuryuu transforming back once everyone had exited the jeep before landing on Hakkai’s shoulder. The eight of them entered the establishment and they quickly got a table, mostly because the owner recognized Sanzo and blubbered at him. The monk paid him no mind as they all took their seats, but he did notice the two pairs of wide, eager eyes on him. “What do you want, monkey?”
“Can we have double orders of everything? We’re gonna need a lot of food,” Goku insisted, to which Maki nodded in affirmation. “Can we, Sanzo? Please?”
Sanzo was just about to say no, but when he heard Ayako laugh beside him, he knew he was defeated. “I don’t care,” he said, resigned. There was no way he was going to win between the two of them.
Goku and Maki both let out cheers as they opened the menu, starting to pore over its contents together, occasionally brushing hands and blushing at each other. It was rather cute watching them interact. By the time the waitress came, the two of them rattled off all the dishes they wanted, bewildering the poor woman to the point that finally Hakkai had to step in.
“Just bring us two of everything on the menu. That should make it easier for you,” he said with a smile. The waitress nodded and hurried off, leaving the eight of them to talk amongst themselves.
The food came relatively quickly for being such a large order, and dinner was just as pleasant as the car ride. Maki kept Goku suitably occupied, exchanging dishes and raging about how good the food was at this restaurant, while Asuka and Gojyo were busy reminiscing about the card games they’d played and their various exploits.
Hakkai and Keiko continued to chat amicably, discussing everything from their favorite books to discussing their careers before the journey. Keiko seemed interested in Hakkai’s talks about his days as a teacher, and he was enjoying her description of the library back home that she worked in.
Sanzo was surprisingly relaxed, glad for the fact that dinner wasn’t noisy and rowdy this time around; it was certainly a nice change of pace. “It would seem that you’re never bored with these three around, Sanzo-sama,” Ayako said, chuckling as she looked around the table.
“That’s what happens when you travel with a circus,” Sanzo said, the corner of his mouth tilting up in a smirk. “I’m sure you stay entertained with your bunch, as well.”
“Oh yes…some days keeping them in line is like trying to herd cats. But other days, well…I don’t know what I would do without them. They’re my family.” Aya’s expression softened and she turned towards Sanzo, her eyes sparkling like twin stars. That expression…god, it was so familiar that it made Sanzo’s insides ache. “Do you feel the same, Sanzo-sama?”
Sanzo went to vehemently protest, but he decided against it. He thought for a moment, mulling it over in his mind, but just before he went to speak, he was interrupted again. Expecting to hear the usual fight over the last meat bun, he was surprised when it wasn’t that at all.
“Here, Maki…you can have the last meat bun. I want you to have it,” Goku offered shyly, nudging the treat towards the girl. His cheeks were colored with the faintest bit of a blush, and he didn’t quite reach her eyes with his gaze; he was too busy staring at her chin.
A blush flooded Maki’s face as well, but she took the bun and broke it in half. “Here, we can share it. I’d like that.” Her blush deepened when their hands brushed again, the two of them meeting eyes as they each began to eat the shared treat.
“Look out, the monkey’s got a girlfriend!” Gojyo thundered, nudging Asuka in the side.
“Ain’t it just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?” Asuka grinned at her youngest companion as she pulled her Hi-Lites from her pocket. She went to pull one out, but a hand covering hers stopped her.
Gojyo gave her a cocky grin and a naughty wink as he said, “Allow me, my lady.” He set her pack on the table and reached for his own, tamping out two cigarettes. He made an exaggerated motion out of putting them between his lips and lighting them both, handing her one with another wink.
Asuka took the cigarette that was clamped between his lips instead, making her own show of taking the first deep drag from it. The sight made Gojyo shiver, and he took his own drag. Now that was hot, he thought.
Sanzo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes and went to pull out his own pack of cigarettes, but stopped mid-motion when he saw Ayako’s nose wrinkled in the direction of her friend. Slowly, he slid the pack back into his sleeve and folded his hands on the table; he wasn’t really in the mood for a cigarette anymore.
“More tea, Keiko-san?” Hakkai asked, shaking his head at his companions. He’d been tempted to say something to Sanzo, but the sudden change of behavior gave him pause. He shouldn’t discourage the monk if he was deciding to cut back. “It’s really quite delicious, don’t you think?”
Keiko gave him a smile that made him warm down to his toes. “Certainly, Hakkai-dono. Such a gentlemen.” A faint blush colored his cheeks as he poured her another glass of tea, before filling his own. He glanced over towards where Hakuryuu and Kuroryuu were sharing dinner. The two dragons were eating out of the same dish, their tails entwined. The sight made him smile, and he touched Keiko’s arm gently before nodding in their direction. The woman smiled warmly and gave a nod of approval.
“Now that everyone is full and satisfied,” Ayako started, folding her hands and resting them on the table. She turned to Sanzo with a calm expression on her face. “Sanzo-sama and I decided that it would be best if we travel together for the remainder of this journey, since it seems that our motives are the same. Are there any objections?”
No one had the chance to answer, however, because a huge fucking rock came out of nowhere and squished them all flat.
********
“What. The. Hell. Was. That?” Doku asked, clearly boggled. Between the overly-glittery ikkou counterparts and the giant rock out of nowhere, he wasn’t sure what to think.
Kougaiji sat blinking at the screen, bewildered. “Was that…Lirin?”
“I’m afraid not,” Nii answered, closing the lid on a rather large red button that said “IN CASE OF SUE EMERGENCY PUSH HERE.” He continued, “Of course, we’re always prepared for the eventuality of extreme canon character meltdown.”
“Is that what that was? That was horrifying,” Doku grumbled.
]Nii nodded ruefully. “Unfortunately. Mary Sues have the uncanny ability to morph perfectly rational characters into simpering idiots.”
Kou, who had been listening very closely, asked simply, “So then…you just push the button?”
“Well, normally we would wait until things got somewhat worse…” Nii trailed off, his expression darkening alarmingly. “But no one attempts to take Koumyou Sanzo’s imagery without swift retribution.” By this time he was clutching the pointer so hard that it bent in the middle.
Kou and Doku had the good sense to look mildly perturbed.
Suddenly, Nii broke into a wide grin and said in a chipper, brittle voice, “Well then! Are we ready for the next lesson?”
********
To be continued…again.