Xena don't give a fuuuuuck. Suck it.
I'm growing out my hair this time.
It's going to be long, lustrous, and strong.
And I am on the verge of failing something trivial yet again.
This time it won't phase me. I'm going to LAUGH. I'm going to LIVE.
And no matter how much I want to run I will stand my ground.
No matter how much my parents scream and misunderstand me,
No matter how much I seem to be failing them, my studies, all that money...
I will prevail.
I can embrace a woman and be with a man. Did you know that?
I can be loyal when I lie with someone of my gender. I can be myself. Thank god for this outlet. For this understanding of self.
I really can be loyal to two people.
I can love twice over, if allowed. Just as I thought.
Flighty art school chick, huh?
I never thought I was MEANT for this place, for art school.
That only continues to be proven.
Amanda Palmer isn't the be-all end-all. But let me have my heros, they don't have to be yours or respected by you.
What I think you "really oughtta know," is that ALL women are nuts to some degree. You've gotta learn to understand that and work with it, and find the crazy that's just right for you. Some of them are far off the deep end. Some of them adhere to the power of suggestion far too well. You won't know how until you experience, but we're all crazy in some way, no exceptions.
And I just keep laughing.
I thought of all the things I would say to people in a hundred letters the other night, if I were to run away or kill myself. I counted them like sheep, writing the words in my head, meaning every syllable, every nuance.
All this rage and depression isn't a joke, it isn't "bullshit" like my father said.
But it's taken so long to lock horns with it, to grit my teeth and dig in my heels.
To fight.
I'm doing just that.
I'm not cursing myself, this world, or the men and women who are so dear to me.
I'm better than that. Better than the wonderful world of womanly emotions that make little sense and desire to take hold of my being.
I am not fucking flighty. I have the capacity to overcome cowardice.
And I think there is a lot you misunderstand, but I lack the ability to show you without you feeling that I am either insulting you or emasculating you. I am hypercritical, but I launch no personal attacks unless I feel attacked myself. All I want is to help along enlightenment and fairness. Being imperfect like everyone else, disallows me from having all the right tools to communicate at all times that this is what I'm after.
And so I laugh.
I'm done explaining away and excusing all that has happened between us. I'm ready for the next chapter.
Hurl your insults and subject me to your opinionated convictions. I'll take them. There's no doubt I still deserve a few of them. I know you're under an incredible weight of stress and are feeling like you're trapped in a corner of existence. You'll say I have no idea. That this isn't related. Really?
But there is no way I can believe that you too can't overcome. You're too fucking brilliant, Misha. You'll make it. Just stop doubting and worrying about what hasn't happened yet, and what might happen. Live. It may seem like a sub-sub-par life right now... but don't be a dummy. Live. If you need me, I'll be there for you. I told you I don't give up on anyone who is truly dear to me.
I think I'll still get that ferret tattoo when I have the money for such things. But it'll be otters instead. 'cos they're awesome.
Oh, and you know another thing I've been laughing about? I heard Rob got a job at Seaworld. Now isn't that just fucking righteous. (Because I've learned, it's okay to ditch the stupid prick and not be dragged down by his lies and false friendship. You were right. He's complete scum, if only for being so goddamned ignorant.)
Here's to laughing it off. Thrill Kill Kult and Psychotica are going to be here in May, I hope you can be there...
Sometimes you've just gotta live a little.
It's going to be long, lustrous, and strong.
And I am on the verge of failing something trivial yet again.
This time it won't phase me. I'm going to LAUGH. I'm going to LIVE.
And no matter how much I want to run I will stand my ground.
No matter how much my parents scream and misunderstand me,
No matter how much I seem to be failing them, my studies, all that money...
I will prevail.
I can embrace a woman and be with a man. Did you know that?
I can be loyal when I lie with someone of my gender. I can be myself. Thank god for this outlet. For this understanding of self.
I really can be loyal to two people.
I can love twice over, if allowed. Just as I thought.
Flighty art school chick, huh?
I never thought I was MEANT for this place, for art school.
That only continues to be proven.
Amanda Palmer isn't the be-all end-all. But let me have my heros, they don't have to be yours or respected by you.
What I think you "really oughtta know," is that ALL women are nuts to some degree. You've gotta learn to understand that and work with it, and find the crazy that's just right for you. Some of them are far off the deep end. Some of them adhere to the power of suggestion far too well. You won't know how until you experience, but we're all crazy in some way, no exceptions.
And I just keep laughing.
I thought of all the things I would say to people in a hundred letters the other night, if I were to run away or kill myself. I counted them like sheep, writing the words in my head, meaning every syllable, every nuance.
All this rage and depression isn't a joke, it isn't "bullshit" like my father said.
But it's taken so long to lock horns with it, to grit my teeth and dig in my heels.
To fight.
I'm doing just that.
I'm not cursing myself, this world, or the men and women who are so dear to me.
I'm better than that. Better than the wonderful world of womanly emotions that make little sense and desire to take hold of my being.
I am not fucking flighty. I have the capacity to overcome cowardice.
And I think there is a lot you misunderstand, but I lack the ability to show you without you feeling that I am either insulting you or emasculating you. I am hypercritical, but I launch no personal attacks unless I feel attacked myself. All I want is to help along enlightenment and fairness. Being imperfect like everyone else, disallows me from having all the right tools to communicate at all times that this is what I'm after.
And so I laugh.
I'm done explaining away and excusing all that has happened between us. I'm ready for the next chapter.
Hurl your insults and subject me to your opinionated convictions. I'll take them. There's no doubt I still deserve a few of them. I know you're under an incredible weight of stress and are feeling like you're trapped in a corner of existence. You'll say I have no idea. That this isn't related. Really?
But there is no way I can believe that you too can't overcome. You're too fucking brilliant, Misha. You'll make it. Just stop doubting and worrying about what hasn't happened yet, and what might happen. Live. It may seem like a sub-sub-par life right now... but don't be a dummy. Live. If you need me, I'll be there for you. I told you I don't give up on anyone who is truly dear to me.
I think I'll still get that ferret tattoo when I have the money for such things. But it'll be otters instead. 'cos they're awesome.
Oh, and you know another thing I've been laughing about? I heard Rob got a job at Seaworld. Now isn't that just fucking righteous. (Because I've learned, it's okay to ditch the stupid prick and not be dragged down by his lies and false friendship. You were right. He's complete scum, if only for being so goddamned ignorant.)
Here's to laughing it off. Thrill Kill Kult and Psychotica are going to be here in May, I hope you can be there...
Sometimes you've just gotta live a little.