Is an affair ever justified?

[flslurp]

I know the answer to this should always be "no". The problem is that I have a much greater sex drive than my wife. I am rarely allowed inside her (the last time was, if I remember correctly, before Christmas), and even when I am her attitude is usually one of "get it over with

Comments

justifiable cheating

[harmlesserror]

I don't understand why we stay with people that obviously don't meet our needs. Your choice is yours, but why destroy your wife with the possibility of finding out you are cheating when you can go and find someone who meets all of your needs? One stop shopping, if you will. Since it is not and is not likely to be acceptable to society or your wife that you fuck around on the side.

I know one answer is "It will destroy my wife if I leave her." Yeah, maybe. But maybe she'll actually be jolted from her sense of hum-drum and no sex drive and pony it up to make it more exciting. Or maybe you'll find someone else.

Just so we're clear... i am not looking down on your for cheating. We all need passion. I've been there. I've cheated on my partner. But it seems the cowards way out for all of us to not only keep what we have, but get more. How would you feel if she did it to you while you kept your vows and your dick in your pants? You'd feel like a real idiot, I bet.

Just my thoughts.

Re: justifiable cheating

[flslurp]

Why do I stay? Because I do actually love her. Of course, that may mean that sooner or later I will have to leave, for *her* good as well as my own. I just hate to think what that will do to the children.

You're right. Cheating is the cowards way out. Would I feel stupid if she did it to me? Probably, but it was partially the belief that she was getting her sexual needs met by someone else (because I judged that she couldn't be getting them met with me) which caused me to go elsewhere. In fact, recent events lead me to suspect that even if I was wrong before (as she assures me I was) she may be cheating on me now. so far, I can't *prove* it, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence. If so, perhaps she is hoping that by doing so she will either get me to leave, keeping me as the bad guy and allowing her to continue in the belief that the world is against her, or that I will prove I really do love her by staying.

Thanks for your thoughts though. I appreciate reading them.

Re: justifiable cheating

[harmlesserror]

I didn't realize you had kids. That complicates things. It seems more justified to stay in your marriage if you have kids, although you certainly shouldn't feel obligated

Re: justifiable cheating

[flslurp]

Oh, if I do go elsewhere it would absolutely be just for the physical release.

I can't really do much investigation (otherwise she will believe it is because I am up to no good again), but I am doing what I can. She was acting suspiciously again this morning, and I set up a couple of things which (if triggered) would be suggestive, if not conclusive.

Re: justifiable cheating

[harmlesserror]

If she is cheating, in revenge or whatever, is it justifiable in your mind?

Re: justifiable cheating

[flslurp]

My upbringing tells me that the answer is "no", but my heart says "If that is what she needs to be happy it's OK, especially after what I did to her. If there is something going on I'd prefer that she didn't feel the need to hide it - if things are ever to get better between us it can only be through being *completely* honest with each other, even though that may be painful."

Because I love her, I want her to be happy. Unfortunately, the only person who *can* allow her to be happy is herself. If she has chosen (as appears to be the case) to fixate on everything that is "wrong" with her life (or at least doesn't go the way she wants), then anything I do to try and help her feel happy and loved is unlikely to be acceptable. Unfortunately, that fixation with everything that is "wrong" also leads me to downplay some of the things that upset me because I don't want to make her feel worse.