The Gut Wrenching Truth
This was posted a while ago on myspace, but as I found not everyone here has myspace, and there are some definite people who still care about what's going on in my life.... Thank you.
The Gut Wrenching Truth
I apologize for the mess that will be in here. I will write because I'm at a point where I feel I have no where else to turn and feel completely lost and alone. This is not the truth of the matter because I have so many people around me that love me and care about me, I wish I could internalize that. I just simply can't right now.
I've sat here agonizing over the right thing to do. I'm a fighter, I have been since I was young. Somehow my tears don't seem to care. I have so much that I am grateful for but nothing seems to conquer this hurt. No amount of hugs, or movies, or "it will get better", "you deserve better", "you're better off" makes this stop. I want so badly for this nightmare to stop. Moments come and moments go of independence and my strength. Last night and yesterday how could I have not been fine? We had a fire that was made up of logs of 10' in length (pics on my pic page). This fire was HUGE. I was with friends I haven't seen since last summer (Brad, Camille) and met new friends (Joey, Melissa) and then there are the usual culprits: (Lindsey, Ryan, Jed) and some that were missed (Jon, Darla. Shamus, etc.). Then I come home today and nothing can give me solace, not my violin, my father, my friends, prospective males, anything.
I can eat so at least that's something, although food isn't exactly good tasting. I mean there are some serious red flags that should have gone up. I'm aware of that. When my father said he has a "vibe" I needed to pay freaking attention. People that know me KNOW what I base everything else in my life on: love, unconditional love at that. What isn't based on that is based on compassion and foregiveness. That someone is near unable to do these things that are so crucial in my life (not to mention our church) should have mattered; but they didn't. What else do people know for sure about me? I'm smart, I'm driven, I'm ambitious, I'm educated. What man can deal, no not deal, be that with me? Red flags everywhere. Some of this may be due to the fact I know what I'm capable of and it's good. Why do I care so much?
Another red flag: that you are even CAPABLE of going from looking at engagement rings to two weeks later saying "I don't see how it could work out" and "we can't be friends". What?!? You were ready to start planning eternity and you can't even imagine being friends? You can't imagine that we can get better? That you can't get back to a good point? I sit here and this is my outlet because I know he will never read this or probably know about it's existence. I just cannot comprehend this. I'm not saying there weren't things that needed to be worked out...there always will be. I'm not saying I wasn't at fault either, because I was. However, there wasn't something like other people that we were involved with, there weren't mean vindictive things that were said, there weren't arguments that went out of proportions. So two weeks of not feeling pleasant you're ready to just call it all off? Again I'm not saying there weren't problems but they certainly were not deal breakers. I think not trying is not only selling him short but us as well as me, I just can't relate and empathize with how he's feeling right now.
I'm now at a point where I'm starting to look at the good things he caused to happen: swearing, low cut shirts, my questions about authority, my faith in myself. All of these things are good things, but I'm so mad at the situation I have to have such control as to not change them simply out of spite because HE made them come about. At the bonfire last night someone voiced an issue they had with him. That I sat back and let those things change and only afterwards did I see the good in it. Not that I thought about it and then realized it was good, it was only afterwards. Something to definitely to "ponder". How to keep carrying on and doing what I need to. I have to say at the rate I'm going getting through the BofM and PoGP by even my birthday will not be a challenge.
I almost was there, I almost had a future with someone I cared about. Almost just doesn't cut it though. This has just turned my entire view on everything upside down. I almost feel like if we could have that one special moment it would fix itself. I go around faking smiles and losing sleep. I won't say it's all fake just that sometimes faking a smile is the only way to get through it. I just feel like I wasted so much energy and time on him just to watch him go. I feel as though my father was wrong as he quoted "better to have love and lost than never loved at all". That's crap. I would that I had never met him, that after the first date I would have said I wasn't interested.
I know it will get better, I've done heart ache before. I know that in the future I will have someone else. I will have to learn trust all over again. Trust became vital to me somewhere down the line, not that I be trusted but that I can trust someone else. If I can't trust you I really want nothing, or very little, to do with you. I mean I absolutely trusted him I may have not told him everything but I trusted him like I have never trusted.
I'm sure this is so frustrating for some people to read. The people who have expressed how they feel about me and I don't mean "I hope things get better" are standing in line waiting. All I need to is say ok. Some of them friends others of them I've known for only a matter of weeks. Provacative, intelligent, trustworthy people. One of them astounds me: it isn't someone like me, or someone that compliments me, or what I would do if I were male. It is me. I act like myself and he'll sit there and (although I've never seen him do it) claim that I'm stealing lines, ideas, thoughts, reactions from him. My hurt isn't for lack of suitors because they are out in force. There is not a doubt in my mind I could have someone else in a matter of moments. I just wonder how long it will take for me to heal at least to be at a point where I can be with someone else and not think about him. I think it really comes down to you can't make someone love you, you can't make your heart skip a beat for someone if they won't let it, knowing that you won't see love in their eyes ever again. This song describes exactly how I feel:
"I pretend that I'm glad you went away / These four walls closing more every day / And I'm dying inside / And nobody knows it but me / Like a clown I put on a show / The pain is real even if nobody knows / And I'm crying inside / And nobody knows it but me / Why didn't I say the things I needed to say / How could I let my angel get away / Now my world is just a-tumblin' down / I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around / I carry smile when I'm broken in two / And I'm nobody without someone like you / I'm trembling inside / And nobody knows it but me / Lie awake, it's a quarter past three / I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me / Yeah, my heart is calling you / And nobody knows it but me / How blue can I get? / You could ask my heart / But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart / Billion words couldn't say just how I feel / A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still / The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and / I just keep thinking about the love that we had / And I'm missing you / And nobody knows it but me" Nobody Knows It But Me ~ Babyface
The Gut Wrenching Truth
I apologize for the mess that will be in here. I will write because I'm at a point where I feel I have no where else to turn and feel completely lost and alone. This is not the truth of the matter because I have so many people around me that love me and care about me, I wish I could internalize that. I just simply can't right now.
I've sat here agonizing over the right thing to do. I'm a fighter, I have been since I was young. Somehow my tears don't seem to care. I have so much that I am grateful for but nothing seems to conquer this hurt. No amount of hugs, or movies, or "it will get better", "you deserve better", "you're better off" makes this stop. I want so badly for this nightmare to stop. Moments come and moments go of independence and my strength. Last night and yesterday how could I have not been fine? We had a fire that was made up of logs of 10' in length (pics on my pic page). This fire was HUGE. I was with friends I haven't seen since last summer (Brad, Camille) and met new friends (Joey, Melissa) and then there are the usual culprits: (Lindsey, Ryan, Jed) and some that were missed (Jon, Darla. Shamus, etc.). Then I come home today and nothing can give me solace, not my violin, my father, my friends, prospective males, anything.
I can eat so at least that's something, although food isn't exactly good tasting. I mean there are some serious red flags that should have gone up. I'm aware of that. When my father said he has a "vibe" I needed to pay freaking attention. People that know me KNOW what I base everything else in my life on: love, unconditional love at that. What isn't based on that is based on compassion and foregiveness. That someone is near unable to do these things that are so crucial in my life (not to mention our church) should have mattered; but they didn't. What else do people know for sure about me? I'm smart, I'm driven, I'm ambitious, I'm educated. What man can deal, no not deal, be that with me? Red flags everywhere. Some of this may be due to the fact I know what I'm capable of and it's good. Why do I care so much?
Another red flag: that you are even CAPABLE of going from looking at engagement rings to two weeks later saying "I don't see how it could work out" and "we can't be friends". What?!? You were ready to start planning eternity and you can't even imagine being friends? You can't imagine that we can get better? That you can't get back to a good point? I sit here and this is my outlet because I know he will never read this or probably know about it's existence. I just cannot comprehend this. I'm not saying there weren't things that needed to be worked out...there always will be. I'm not saying I wasn't at fault either, because I was. However, there wasn't something like other people that we were involved with, there weren't mean vindictive things that were said, there weren't arguments that went out of proportions. So two weeks of not feeling pleasant you're ready to just call it all off? Again I'm not saying there weren't problems but they certainly were not deal breakers. I think not trying is not only selling him short but us as well as me, I just can't relate and empathize with how he's feeling right now.
I'm now at a point where I'm starting to look at the good things he caused to happen: swearing, low cut shirts, my questions about authority, my faith in myself. All of these things are good things, but I'm so mad at the situation I have to have such control as to not change them simply out of spite because HE made them come about. At the bonfire last night someone voiced an issue they had with him. That I sat back and let those things change and only afterwards did I see the good in it. Not that I thought about it and then realized it was good, it was only afterwards. Something to definitely to "ponder". How to keep carrying on and doing what I need to. I have to say at the rate I'm going getting through the BofM and PoGP by even my birthday will not be a challenge.
I almost was there, I almost had a future with someone I cared about. Almost just doesn't cut it though. This has just turned my entire view on everything upside down. I almost feel like if we could have that one special moment it would fix itself. I go around faking smiles and losing sleep. I won't say it's all fake just that sometimes faking a smile is the only way to get through it. I just feel like I wasted so much energy and time on him just to watch him go. I feel as though my father was wrong as he quoted "better to have love and lost than never loved at all". That's crap. I would that I had never met him, that after the first date I would have said I wasn't interested.
I know it will get better, I've done heart ache before. I know that in the future I will have someone else. I will have to learn trust all over again. Trust became vital to me somewhere down the line, not that I be trusted but that I can trust someone else. If I can't trust you I really want nothing, or very little, to do with you. I mean I absolutely trusted him I may have not told him everything but I trusted him like I have never trusted.
I'm sure this is so frustrating for some people to read. The people who have expressed how they feel about me and I don't mean "I hope things get better" are standing in line waiting. All I need to is say ok. Some of them friends others of them I've known for only a matter of weeks. Provacative, intelligent, trustworthy people. One of them astounds me: it isn't someone like me, or someone that compliments me, or what I would do if I were male. It is me. I act like myself and he'll sit there and (although I've never seen him do it) claim that I'm stealing lines, ideas, thoughts, reactions from him. My hurt isn't for lack of suitors because they are out in force. There is not a doubt in my mind I could have someone else in a matter of moments. I just wonder how long it will take for me to heal at least to be at a point where I can be with someone else and not think about him. I think it really comes down to you can't make someone love you, you can't make your heart skip a beat for someone if they won't let it, knowing that you won't see love in their eyes ever again. This song describes exactly how I feel:
"I pretend that I'm glad you went away / These four walls closing more every day / And I'm dying inside / And nobody knows it but me / Like a clown I put on a show / The pain is real even if nobody knows / And I'm crying inside / And nobody knows it but me / Why didn't I say the things I needed to say / How could I let my angel get away / Now my world is just a-tumblin' down / I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around / I carry smile when I'm broken in two / And I'm nobody without someone like you / I'm trembling inside / And nobody knows it but me / Lie awake, it's a quarter past three / I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me / Yeah, my heart is calling you / And nobody knows it but me / How blue can I get? / You could ask my heart / But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart / Billion words couldn't say just how I feel / A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still / The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and / I just keep thinking about the love that we had / And I'm missing you / And nobody knows it but me" Nobody Knows It But Me ~ Babyface