Heart's path
oc: Finally...the last post. Hope folks enjoy this and have enjoyed the what if posts :)
No longer did she stand in front of the jackal headed god but on a dusty road that ran as far as she could see, warily she started forward only to stop and stare as the road faded out behind her. She was tempted to step off of the road and try to make her way across the country but deep inside she knew that the only way to find herself and not become hopelessly lost was to continue on the path no matter where it lead. Putting one foot in front of the other she made her way forward until a figure resolved out of the dust. Resplendent as ever he had been in life the man she called her sensei stood watching her quietly waiting…and in her heart she knew what she had to say.
Sensei, I tried so hard to be someone you could be proud of thinking that I had to be like you to be this. You left such large shoes for me to fill when you stepped aside and I stood as sentinel, I was forever looking to you hoping I would see a nod that I had done right…craving your approval. I think…after all this time once the chance to use the knowledge is past I understand why you pushed me harder each time I looked to you. I never had to seek your approval, I never had to force myself beyond my limits to make you proud, if you had not been proud of me and had not approved then you would not have spent so much time shaping me to be the arrow you knew I was and could be. I know it is too late now to tell you this but I do so anyways…thank you.
The figure bowed to her and faded away but not before she saw what looked to be approval in his eyes. Her spirit raised by this she continued on the road noting that while she could not turn back again the road had ceased to disappear behind her. Frowning she paused and examined this for a moment before returning to her trek, before long another figure stood out in the haze watching her with a quiet peaceful smile that spoke of happiness and joy in simply being alive and knowing people think of you. As she had with her sensei she let her heart speak the words she wanted to say.
Levi…I don’t know what to say, I let you down on so many counts but you always stood there with the words I needed to hear even if I didn’t want to hear them. Any girl in the world would have been lucky to call you brother and though no blood tied us you were that and more, you were my confidant and teacher, my conscience and my frustration…You were everything I needed even if I didn’t know it at the time. When you left this world all I could think of was why? Were we not good enough for you? Why would you leave us behind when we needed you so much? Since then I have realized the hurt you felt, what it was like to have someone you cared for so deeply torn from you and I realize that in truth it was not you who let us down…but us who let you down by not being there in your time of need as you were in ours. It made me realize something…I never told you thank you for all of that so though it is late…thank you.
The figure grinned at her and slowly faded away again as had her sensei, though he had gone a sense of peace settled over her heart and lightened her steps forward. Pausing she turned back again and noted that the road not only had not disappeared but it had become better…stones lined the dirt now instead of it merely being a dusty track. Chewing her lip she cocked her head again before finally moving on knowing that she had to keep going. Once more a figure resolved it, a slight girl barely any bigger then her but yet the size of a mountain when it came to personality. By now she didn’t need to do anything her heart spoke the words without hesitation.
They took you before we were ready to let you go, so many things had yet to be said or talked about, so many things were yet to be shared. I have to say though…you did leave a lot behind to make sure your memory never fades, even now I can’t look at a coconut or a lime without hearing that silly song and replaying the night I turned 20 in Anglesey in my mind. You were someone who had a head on your shoulders and whom people would follow but yet you were also of the wild and you never forgot it, you always made time for a problem that needed an ear or a shoulder and you never begrudged anyone their freedom. In the short time that I knew you I learned so much, mainly I learned that it is possible to walk the world of man and mage yet never lose the instinct and freedom of the wild…thank you.
The figure laughed soundlessly and faded away into nothingness, the only trace she left behind was a sense of wild abandon tempered by responsibility. As she had started to do the girl turned and looked behind her, now the path was paved with cobblestones set into the dirt and smoothed with cement. Shaking her head she turned and walked again, she did not have to go far before two figures stepped towards her from the shadows. Her heart ached as she looked upon them as they always would be to her and she wanted nothing more than to run to them and bury her sorrows in their shoulders and have them assure her that it was all right, instead…her heart told its story.
I tried so hard to be the woman you always said I could be…to stand and walk in your footsteps then carve a path beside yours, I have let you down so much. If you were here today I would be terrified of what you would say on my behavior…it’s been so erratic and while I have become one of the more powerful mages and walk as a full master of my legacy I am so small in comparison to your memory. I guess the truth is I never got over that night, though I have learned to grin and show the world a face that laughs and smiles as if everything was right my soul still hurts for your loss. You gave me a chance to live and keep your memory alive when you sheltered me from the men who would have ended my life like they took yours and what have I done?
I have used it to learn nothing and become nothing but a person who lives from one pain to the next shoving those she cares about away while wishing they would be close to her, I am so confused and lost. I saw it in Gramma’s eyes each time I went home to visit…she saw what I had became and she was disappointed, she knew you would be to, I made excuses now for why I had to stay in America and I couldn’t go home…they were hollow even to my ears. You would have been proud of me in some aspects though…I made a name for myself before things fell apart, had this not happened I was supposed to be going across the water to investigate the hollow of our path…they trusted me to do this, I was amazed. I guess…while I have fucked up quite a few times I have also done a lot of good with my time I just refuse to see past the blindness of that first failure when I let you down. If I had a chance to go back…I would not forget the lessons you taught me and I would remember that I walk in a line that remembers the time of our land’s birth…you gave me this legacy and for that…thank you.
As the words faded away she stood mutely waiting for her parents to do as her friends had and vanish to time and memory, instead they came forward wrapping her in their arms and squeezing tightly. No longer could she hold back the tears and she did not even try as they fell unchecked down her cheeks, all her fears became able to be overcome in this one simple act. Silently the two hugged her before looking up and stepping back yet staying within reach should she wish to touch them. Walking towards them was the jackal and to his right walked her patron mother with a soft smile. The jackal stepped forward and nodded to her before speaking, you have walked along the trail of your past and spoke words kept hidden not only from others but from yourself. Have you learned anything from all of this?
Thoughtfully she gazed on him then looked behind her to the road speaking as she did, I believe I have…I spoke in haste when I said I was not worthy, I was hurt and angry at those I thought had wronged me and sought only to cause my unhappiness. I was willing to throw it all away because of words which in time mean nothing and ignored the actions that mean everything. I believe also that it was not nor was it ever my right to judge my worthiness…that lies solely in the hands of those who view my actions with an unbiased eye and yet still stand beside me for who I am. I have but one question though, why did the road change?
The jackal laughed at that before answering her, the road is the path your heart has carved for itself, as you walked it alone that path was doomed to vanish into nothingness and take you with it. When you accepted another onto that path you made a point at which it was safe and your path would always exist to lead you straight, each person who you accepted onto your path only served to make it stronger and more resistant to wear. The only way it will ever disappear again is if you allow their actions to become nothing to you, at that point your tears will wash away the traces. Our time here is through now, go but remember what you have learned…prove that you can become the person you say.
As the girl opened her eyes for the last time she knew that no more would she dream as she blinked as the message had been clear. Standing she stretched as her replacement came in the door and smiled at her, returning the smile she dusted herself off and grabbed her backpack to go do a bit of shopping. Unseen to all but the sharpest of eyes a small circle of wetness dotted the floor mute witness to what could happen in the time it takes to blink.
No longer did she stand in front of the jackal headed god but on a dusty road that ran as far as she could see, warily she started forward only to stop and stare as the road faded out behind her. She was tempted to step off of the road and try to make her way across the country but deep inside she knew that the only way to find herself and not become hopelessly lost was to continue on the path no matter where it lead. Putting one foot in front of the other she made her way forward until a figure resolved out of the dust. Resplendent as ever he had been in life the man she called her sensei stood watching her quietly waiting…and in her heart she knew what she had to say.
Sensei, I tried so hard to be someone you could be proud of thinking that I had to be like you to be this. You left such large shoes for me to fill when you stepped aside and I stood as sentinel, I was forever looking to you hoping I would see a nod that I had done right…craving your approval. I think…after all this time once the chance to use the knowledge is past I understand why you pushed me harder each time I looked to you. I never had to seek your approval, I never had to force myself beyond my limits to make you proud, if you had not been proud of me and had not approved then you would not have spent so much time shaping me to be the arrow you knew I was and could be. I know it is too late now to tell you this but I do so anyways…thank you.
The figure bowed to her and faded away but not before she saw what looked to be approval in his eyes. Her spirit raised by this she continued on the road noting that while she could not turn back again the road had ceased to disappear behind her. Frowning she paused and examined this for a moment before returning to her trek, before long another figure stood out in the haze watching her with a quiet peaceful smile that spoke of happiness and joy in simply being alive and knowing people think of you. As she had with her sensei she let her heart speak the words she wanted to say.
Levi…I don’t know what to say, I let you down on so many counts but you always stood there with the words I needed to hear even if I didn’t want to hear them. Any girl in the world would have been lucky to call you brother and though no blood tied us you were that and more, you were my confidant and teacher, my conscience and my frustration…You were everything I needed even if I didn’t know it at the time. When you left this world all I could think of was why? Were we not good enough for you? Why would you leave us behind when we needed you so much? Since then I have realized the hurt you felt, what it was like to have someone you cared for so deeply torn from you and I realize that in truth it was not you who let us down…but us who let you down by not being there in your time of need as you were in ours. It made me realize something…I never told you thank you for all of that so though it is late…thank you.
The figure grinned at her and slowly faded away again as had her sensei, though he had gone a sense of peace settled over her heart and lightened her steps forward. Pausing she turned back again and noted that the road not only had not disappeared but it had become better…stones lined the dirt now instead of it merely being a dusty track. Chewing her lip she cocked her head again before finally moving on knowing that she had to keep going. Once more a figure resolved it, a slight girl barely any bigger then her but yet the size of a mountain when it came to personality. By now she didn’t need to do anything her heart spoke the words without hesitation.
They took you before we were ready to let you go, so many things had yet to be said or talked about, so many things were yet to be shared. I have to say though…you did leave a lot behind to make sure your memory never fades, even now I can’t look at a coconut or a lime without hearing that silly song and replaying the night I turned 20 in Anglesey in my mind. You were someone who had a head on your shoulders and whom people would follow but yet you were also of the wild and you never forgot it, you always made time for a problem that needed an ear or a shoulder and you never begrudged anyone their freedom. In the short time that I knew you I learned so much, mainly I learned that it is possible to walk the world of man and mage yet never lose the instinct and freedom of the wild…thank you.
The figure laughed soundlessly and faded away into nothingness, the only trace she left behind was a sense of wild abandon tempered by responsibility. As she had started to do the girl turned and looked behind her, now the path was paved with cobblestones set into the dirt and smoothed with cement. Shaking her head she turned and walked again, she did not have to go far before two figures stepped towards her from the shadows. Her heart ached as she looked upon them as they always would be to her and she wanted nothing more than to run to them and bury her sorrows in their shoulders and have them assure her that it was all right, instead…her heart told its story.
I tried so hard to be the woman you always said I could be…to stand and walk in your footsteps then carve a path beside yours, I have let you down so much. If you were here today I would be terrified of what you would say on my behavior…it’s been so erratic and while I have become one of the more powerful mages and walk as a full master of my legacy I am so small in comparison to your memory. I guess the truth is I never got over that night, though I have learned to grin and show the world a face that laughs and smiles as if everything was right my soul still hurts for your loss. You gave me a chance to live and keep your memory alive when you sheltered me from the men who would have ended my life like they took yours and what have I done?
I have used it to learn nothing and become nothing but a person who lives from one pain to the next shoving those she cares about away while wishing they would be close to her, I am so confused and lost. I saw it in Gramma’s eyes each time I went home to visit…she saw what I had became and she was disappointed, she knew you would be to, I made excuses now for why I had to stay in America and I couldn’t go home…they were hollow even to my ears. You would have been proud of me in some aspects though…I made a name for myself before things fell apart, had this not happened I was supposed to be going across the water to investigate the hollow of our path…they trusted me to do this, I was amazed. I guess…while I have fucked up quite a few times I have also done a lot of good with my time I just refuse to see past the blindness of that first failure when I let you down. If I had a chance to go back…I would not forget the lessons you taught me and I would remember that I walk in a line that remembers the time of our land’s birth…you gave me this legacy and for that…thank you.
As the words faded away she stood mutely waiting for her parents to do as her friends had and vanish to time and memory, instead they came forward wrapping her in their arms and squeezing tightly. No longer could she hold back the tears and she did not even try as they fell unchecked down her cheeks, all her fears became able to be overcome in this one simple act. Silently the two hugged her before looking up and stepping back yet staying within reach should she wish to touch them. Walking towards them was the jackal and to his right walked her patron mother with a soft smile. The jackal stepped forward and nodded to her before speaking, you have walked along the trail of your past and spoke words kept hidden not only from others but from yourself. Have you learned anything from all of this?
Thoughtfully she gazed on him then looked behind her to the road speaking as she did, I believe I have…I spoke in haste when I said I was not worthy, I was hurt and angry at those I thought had wronged me and sought only to cause my unhappiness. I was willing to throw it all away because of words which in time mean nothing and ignored the actions that mean everything. I believe also that it was not nor was it ever my right to judge my worthiness…that lies solely in the hands of those who view my actions with an unbiased eye and yet still stand beside me for who I am. I have but one question though, why did the road change?
The jackal laughed at that before answering her, the road is the path your heart has carved for itself, as you walked it alone that path was doomed to vanish into nothingness and take you with it. When you accepted another onto that path you made a point at which it was safe and your path would always exist to lead you straight, each person who you accepted onto your path only served to make it stronger and more resistant to wear. The only way it will ever disappear again is if you allow their actions to become nothing to you, at that point your tears will wash away the traces. Our time here is through now, go but remember what you have learned…prove that you can become the person you say.
As the girl opened her eyes for the last time she knew that no more would she dream as she blinked as the message had been clear. Standing she stretched as her replacement came in the door and smiled at her, returning the smile she dusted herself off and grabbed her backpack to go do a bit of shopping. Unseen to all but the sharpest of eyes a small circle of wetness dotted the floor mute witness to what could happen in the time it takes to blink.