Calluses
*She had come back to grab a few things she had forgotten when she went to Atlanta and was relaxing outside enjoying a bit of the evening breeze when a car door caught her attention. Standing she wandered over peering out the entryway raising an eyebrow as her uncle walked towards the Shrine. *
“You got a minute?”
*Eyeing him a minute she nodded* "sure, out here or my room?”
“Where's better?”
“Out here is more comfortable but my room is private”
“Here's good then.”
*With that he walked to the edge of the property stopping just short of entering the shrine proper*
*Again the girl eyed him* “come on then"
*Finally with a sigh he stepped in* “So... how ya been?”
*Wandering over to the streamside she lounged out before responding *"well, yourself?’
*The man paced restlessly as if something were eating at the very core of his being* “I'm... alright I guess”
*She raised an eyebrow at that* “Explain?”
“Explain how? I’m alright”
“You said you guess and you are setting here pacing after coming to see me, apparently you want to talk”
“I'm a fucking asshole”
*Without hesitation she nodded * “Yeah, you are”
“Don’t mean to be”
“I know, but you are”
“I just wanted a cigarette. After everything. Is that so wrong?”
“No, but to directly disrespect my home and those I care about here to have your fix?”
“I didn't come here to argue.”
“Then what did you come here for”
“To say I'm sorry.”
*Frowning she stared at him long and hard before finally saying* “will you keep doing what you have been?”
“You know I will.”
“Then I can't accept the Apology”
“What do you want out of me?”
“I want something more than an apology made to make you feel better about yourself. I want you to say you are sorry and actually MEAN it then try to change what you are sorry about”
“I've quit smoking. I've quit being an asshole. I've quit drinking, fuck I've quit swearing. Quit killing, quit hurting, quit every fucking thing I do wrong. It comes back. It always comes back, I can't promise to make it go away”
“Then don't apologize to me, but also don't be surprised when I get upset at you and Do not want you having much of a space in my normal day to day things...I am going to be a ladder and someday I will be expected to keep the honor and tradition of this shrine...I can't have that in my life”
*He merely shrugged to that *
“I love you uncle, but I don't love what you do to yourself and those around you”
“Those around me? Kelly, there are no people around me.”
“we try to be, but you chase us away...I have exactly three people in my family right now and two of them I can barely stand to be around...I want it to be another way but until it is I have a life to lead without”
“You want us to what, grow up and be Ladder? Stop doing our job? These people are pretentious fucking assholes. They talk about high ideals and high standards and codes of conduct, but god help them if they have to get their hands dirty”
“No I want you to just grow up and stop drowning your sorrows and anger in foul words, alcohol and Cigarettes and learn to direct them towards other things”
“Give me a target.”
“Is that all you are a thing to be targeted?”
“What else should I be?”
*Standing she dusted herself off and looked him square in the eyes* "a person, the person who claims to have made my childhood such a happy place.”
“I'm not that person anymore.”
*To that she crossed her arms and looked at him* "No? Too much of a coward to be the person who enjoyed life and had fun with his niece? I understand really I do...so much easier to go hide in your sorrow and belittle all those who cared about you”
‘You want me to keep smiling? Keep walking with a whistle on my lips and a grin in my heart? Kelly, it never stops for me. Never. I just came from Colorado, you know why? No, you don't fucking know why. Seers are trying to fucking abort my unborn children. It doesn't end.”
*Narrowing her eyes she looked at him again* "Doesn't fucking mean you have to stop living for yourself as well and caring about what the people who care about you think. Does it even really bother you that you hurt me each time you act like an asshole when I am around?”
“Of course it fucking does. Why else would I be here? I hate feeling like a fucking asshole, I hate seeing you get mad, and sad, and disappointed. I wouldn't be hurt myself if it didn't mean something”
“Then stop giving empty apologies because you know you will just turn around and do it and actually try to make it mean something”
“I ain't gonna quit smoking. I ain't gonna quit swearing. I tried.”
“then stop apologizing to me...but don't act surprised when I continue my life without you...you will always be my uncle and I will always love you but I can't forgive the hurt every time you do it knowing you will just do it again. I have to live my life too...I have things I am meant to do.”
“We all do, Kelly.”
*Without answering that she merely reached out and took one of his large calloused hands in both of hers turning it so the palm was facing up causing him to tilt his head as he watched her. Idly she traced one of the calluses never raising her eyes * “‘you let your calluses on your hands and your heart define who you are and define your life. Calluses though can be worn away and soft flesh restored to what it once was, all it takes is dedication and the willingness to do it. I believe you can do that but you've always only had yourself to live for so you lost the how. You need to be willing to let those of us who care show you how"
*His voice betrayed his surprise at that* “that's... what are you doin'?”
*Finally she looked up at him* "Telling the truth as I read it"
“So show me how.”
“I will, but you have to have the Dedication to stick with it”
“No matter what?”
“No matter what...”
“I can't lose another one”
“You can't let loss run your life.”
“How do you not?”
*Looking up she studied his face for a long moment* "Look at me uncle, what do you see?"
“You're my niece. A much stronger person than I think I came here giving you credit for.”
“You know what I see when I look at myself in the mirror?”
“No I don't”
“I see a person who lost everything, her past...who she is...her family...but I also see a person who made a new life and went on living despite that”
“Yeah. I understand that”
*To that she nodded * "if you can prove to me that you are willing to keep at it then I will accept your apology...until then I can't. But like I said...I have faith in you"
“I will promise to try my hardest.”
“Thank you”
“I won't promise to succeed, but I'll try”
“That’s all I want”
*He nodded and stuck out his hand for her to shake, instead the teen ducked under it and hugged him tightly. After a moment he blinked and hugged her back. *
“I told you I love you, nothing will ever change that...the only thing that will change is my willingness to believe and trust you and hopefully only for the better”
“I hope I can live up to it”
“You will”
*He nodded* “I'll try like hell”
“You got a minute?”
*Eyeing him a minute she nodded* "sure, out here or my room?”
“Where's better?”
“Out here is more comfortable but my room is private”
“Here's good then.”
*With that he walked to the edge of the property stopping just short of entering the shrine proper*
*Again the girl eyed him* “come on then"
*Finally with a sigh he stepped in* “So... how ya been?”
*Wandering over to the streamside she lounged out before responding *"well, yourself?’
*The man paced restlessly as if something were eating at the very core of his being* “I'm... alright I guess”
*She raised an eyebrow at that* “Explain?”
“Explain how? I’m alright”
“You said you guess and you are setting here pacing after coming to see me, apparently you want to talk”
“I'm a fucking asshole”
*Without hesitation she nodded * “Yeah, you are”
“Don’t mean to be”
“I know, but you are”
“I just wanted a cigarette. After everything. Is that so wrong?”
“No, but to directly disrespect my home and those I care about here to have your fix?”
“I didn't come here to argue.”
“Then what did you come here for”
“To say I'm sorry.”
*Frowning she stared at him long and hard before finally saying* “will you keep doing what you have been?”
“You know I will.”
“Then I can't accept the Apology”
“What do you want out of me?”
“I want something more than an apology made to make you feel better about yourself. I want you to say you are sorry and actually MEAN it then try to change what you are sorry about”
“I've quit smoking. I've quit being an asshole. I've quit drinking, fuck I've quit swearing. Quit killing, quit hurting, quit every fucking thing I do wrong. It comes back. It always comes back, I can't promise to make it go away”
“Then don't apologize to me, but also don't be surprised when I get upset at you and Do not want you having much of a space in my normal day to day things...I am going to be a ladder and someday I will be expected to keep the honor and tradition of this shrine...I can't have that in my life”
*He merely shrugged to that *
“I love you uncle, but I don't love what you do to yourself and those around you”
“Those around me? Kelly, there are no people around me.”
“we try to be, but you chase us away...I have exactly three people in my family right now and two of them I can barely stand to be around...I want it to be another way but until it is I have a life to lead without”
“You want us to what, grow up and be Ladder? Stop doing our job? These people are pretentious fucking assholes. They talk about high ideals and high standards and codes of conduct, but god help them if they have to get their hands dirty”
“No I want you to just grow up and stop drowning your sorrows and anger in foul words, alcohol and Cigarettes and learn to direct them towards other things”
“Give me a target.”
“Is that all you are a thing to be targeted?”
“What else should I be?”
*Standing she dusted herself off and looked him square in the eyes* "a person, the person who claims to have made my childhood such a happy place.”
“I'm not that person anymore.”
*To that she crossed her arms and looked at him* "No? Too much of a coward to be the person who enjoyed life and had fun with his niece? I understand really I do...so much easier to go hide in your sorrow and belittle all those who cared about you”
‘You want me to keep smiling? Keep walking with a whistle on my lips and a grin in my heart? Kelly, it never stops for me. Never. I just came from Colorado, you know why? No, you don't fucking know why. Seers are trying to fucking abort my unborn children. It doesn't end.”
*Narrowing her eyes she looked at him again* "Doesn't fucking mean you have to stop living for yourself as well and caring about what the people who care about you think. Does it even really bother you that you hurt me each time you act like an asshole when I am around?”
“Of course it fucking does. Why else would I be here? I hate feeling like a fucking asshole, I hate seeing you get mad, and sad, and disappointed. I wouldn't be hurt myself if it didn't mean something”
“Then stop giving empty apologies because you know you will just turn around and do it and actually try to make it mean something”
“I ain't gonna quit smoking. I ain't gonna quit swearing. I tried.”
“then stop apologizing to me...but don't act surprised when I continue my life without you...you will always be my uncle and I will always love you but I can't forgive the hurt every time you do it knowing you will just do it again. I have to live my life too...I have things I am meant to do.”
“We all do, Kelly.”
*Without answering that she merely reached out and took one of his large calloused hands in both of hers turning it so the palm was facing up causing him to tilt his head as he watched her. Idly she traced one of the calluses never raising her eyes * “‘you let your calluses on your hands and your heart define who you are and define your life. Calluses though can be worn away and soft flesh restored to what it once was, all it takes is dedication and the willingness to do it. I believe you can do that but you've always only had yourself to live for so you lost the how. You need to be willing to let those of us who care show you how"
*His voice betrayed his surprise at that* “that's... what are you doin'?”
*Finally she looked up at him* "Telling the truth as I read it"
“So show me how.”
“I will, but you have to have the Dedication to stick with it”
“No matter what?”
“No matter what...”
“I can't lose another one”
“You can't let loss run your life.”
“How do you not?”
*Looking up she studied his face for a long moment* "Look at me uncle, what do you see?"
“You're my niece. A much stronger person than I think I came here giving you credit for.”
“You know what I see when I look at myself in the mirror?”
“No I don't”
“I see a person who lost everything, her past...who she is...her family...but I also see a person who made a new life and went on living despite that”
“Yeah. I understand that”
*To that she nodded * "if you can prove to me that you are willing to keep at it then I will accept your apology...until then I can't. But like I said...I have faith in you"
“I will promise to try my hardest.”
“Thank you”
“I won't promise to succeed, but I'll try”
“That’s all I want”
*He nodded and stuck out his hand for her to shake, instead the teen ducked under it and hugged him tightly. After a moment he blinked and hugged her back. *
“I told you I love you, nothing will ever change that...the only thing that will change is my willingness to believe and trust you and hopefully only for the better”
“I hope I can live up to it”
“You will”
*He nodded* “I'll try like hell”