(no subject)
hopeful_choas I tried calling you a couple of times to see how you were doing. I know you probably just want to be with Odie and left alone, so I won't keep bugging you. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. If you need me, you have my number. You have all my email addies, hell you can just leave a quick note in your LJ that you need to talk. Whatever way you need to do it, if you need me, you know where I am.
God I hate being sick. My head is pounding from lack of sleep and lack of eating very well. Not to mention the heat and allergies. I hope this heat gets better soon or I'm gonna keel.
I'm kinda stressed over what's going on with Hc right now and that doesn't help.
The only thing I thought I could honestly do for her that was actually DOING something, is speed through my schooling as fast as I can so I can get that cleared out of the way and paid for. I may not be much help Now but this way, if I get things done quicker, the money will be untapped and I can get a job sooner and she'll have some place to fall back on if she needs it. I know it's not much, but it was the best thing I could think of to do to help.
This is like being in college all over again....
When I went the First time, I couldn't concentrate on the studies because people needed me at home.
I was getting letters that my best friend at that time was having such a terrible time and almost died during her pregnancy and "Why wasn't I there to help her through it like I Should be?"
And letters saying "Your mom is dying! She's going with out food and heat to pay for that schooling! Why are you doing this to her?!? Why aren't you Home where you belong??!"
My reaction was to totally fuck up my schooling and almost kill myself in a lot of ways because I couldn't get home. sharon wouldn't let me come home. She thought I was begging to come home because I was a coward and couldn't cut school... They made me promise not to tell her the truth. Every week I'd dread getting the mail because I knew new letters telling me my friends and family were dying or in dire straits either directly because of me or because I wasn't there to help them. And now this... I want to rush over to help... I want to be there and tell her it's gonna be ok that I'll Make it ok Dammit!
But I can't. I don't have the money. It's all tied up in this schooling... Again. But it won't help if I blow it again. I know that. I'm still sick to death with worry but I'm gonna be tougher than I was last time. I'm gonna finish this and do it right this time. If not for myself than Because Hope needs me. I can't help her if I screw this up. So I gotta do this! It's killing me not to be there... But the sooner I complete this course the sooner I can get on to something that will be of use to us all. I'm not doing this just for me, I never was. I'm doing this for my pack, for my family and lastly Then it's for me. Because I'm perfectly useless as I am now. Just like when I was going to college at 17.
But that's going to stop!
She's wrong, I Will become something and damn her mangy hide for all her rage and abuse she put me through... I've been cleaning up her messes since as long as I can remember and all I got for it was abuse. And like an idiot I believed her. I believed all the shit she poured over me.
And what's worse? I sat in my dorm room and Ached because people were writing me and telling me she was falling apart with out me there. My tormentor, my shackle, my noose... And all I could think of was that I wasn't there to save her. And I tore my guts up with that.
I Literally tore my insides up trying to fight back. I had a bleeding ulser within the first couple of months of being in college because I couldn't get back home and make everything better. Later the docs told me I tore up my intestines from all the acid my stomach was creating. I couldn't sleep or eat, and I couldn't get away from the people in the college and back to the people I felt honor bound to care for and protect.
Yes folks, I am That fucked up. You see, when I say I care about you, I'm not joking around. When I say my life for yours, that's not just lip service.
That's why I Have so few friends. Because I can't care unless it Is that intense. So I can't/don't Say I care unless I can back it up and feel it.
Kick me, beat me, abuse me... Whatever. I will never stop caring or trying to do my damnedest to keep you well and safe. I will never stop praying that you'll find your innermost truest happiness. And I will never leave you in a true time of need if I can at all help it.
If you don't believe me, ask the people who've gone up against me about what's best for sharon! Ask the doctors that treated my gut and tried making me take drugs for everything. Drugs that while they may have eased the pain/discomfort they would have dulled my ability to think and to feel and to function.
My body is temporary. The pain will fade whenever. The sickness will do whatever. I don't care. I honestly don't. As long as I can do what I believe is best for everyone and keep them safe and healthy and happy, then that's all I really ask of myself. God will give whatever he sees fit to give me. He'll do whatever whenever however. As long as I can still love and care, that's all that really matters to me.
And do Not tell me I'm a great person or wise or kind or any of that rubbish! I am who I am and that's It! I'm no more a hero than anyone else. I'm no more wonderful than the next person. So I help people when and where I can... So what? That doesn't make me good or kind any more than it would any Other person with a soul. I do what I do because that's just me. Not for any special reasons. Just because I couldn't live with myself any other way.
End of story.
Now I'm gonna go over here and be really sick ok... You know how to reach me, and one word about raising the bat signal and the person who brings it up will be short one vital organ, capise?
Peace within and love through out.
~Storm
God I hate being sick. My head is pounding from lack of sleep and lack of eating very well. Not to mention the heat and allergies. I hope this heat gets better soon or I'm gonna keel.
I'm kinda stressed over what's going on with Hc right now and that doesn't help.
The only thing I thought I could honestly do for her that was actually DOING something, is speed through my schooling as fast as I can so I can get that cleared out of the way and paid for. I may not be much help Now but this way, if I get things done quicker, the money will be untapped and I can get a job sooner and she'll have some place to fall back on if she needs it. I know it's not much, but it was the best thing I could think of to do to help.
This is like being in college all over again....
When I went the First time, I couldn't concentrate on the studies because people needed me at home.
I was getting letters that my best friend at that time was having such a terrible time and almost died during her pregnancy and "Why wasn't I there to help her through it like I Should be?"
And letters saying "Your mom is dying! She's going with out food and heat to pay for that schooling! Why are you doing this to her?!? Why aren't you Home where you belong??!"
My reaction was to totally fuck up my schooling and almost kill myself in a lot of ways because I couldn't get home. sharon wouldn't let me come home. She thought I was begging to come home because I was a coward and couldn't cut school... They made me promise not to tell her the truth. Every week I'd dread getting the mail because I knew new letters telling me my friends and family were dying or in dire straits either directly because of me or because I wasn't there to help them. And now this... I want to rush over to help... I want to be there and tell her it's gonna be ok that I'll Make it ok Dammit!
But I can't. I don't have the money. It's all tied up in this schooling... Again. But it won't help if I blow it again. I know that. I'm still sick to death with worry but I'm gonna be tougher than I was last time. I'm gonna finish this and do it right this time. If not for myself than Because Hope needs me. I can't help her if I screw this up. So I gotta do this! It's killing me not to be there... But the sooner I complete this course the sooner I can get on to something that will be of use to us all. I'm not doing this just for me, I never was. I'm doing this for my pack, for my family and lastly Then it's for me. Because I'm perfectly useless as I am now. Just like when I was going to college at 17.
But that's going to stop!
She's wrong, I Will become something and damn her mangy hide for all her rage and abuse she put me through... I've been cleaning up her messes since as long as I can remember and all I got for it was abuse. And like an idiot I believed her. I believed all the shit she poured over me.
And what's worse? I sat in my dorm room and Ached because people were writing me and telling me she was falling apart with out me there. My tormentor, my shackle, my noose... And all I could think of was that I wasn't there to save her. And I tore my guts up with that.
I Literally tore my insides up trying to fight back. I had a bleeding ulser within the first couple of months of being in college because I couldn't get back home and make everything better. Later the docs told me I tore up my intestines from all the acid my stomach was creating. I couldn't sleep or eat, and I couldn't get away from the people in the college and back to the people I felt honor bound to care for and protect.
Yes folks, I am That fucked up. You see, when I say I care about you, I'm not joking around. When I say my life for yours, that's not just lip service.
That's why I Have so few friends. Because I can't care unless it Is that intense. So I can't/don't Say I care unless I can back it up and feel it.
Kick me, beat me, abuse me... Whatever. I will never stop caring or trying to do my damnedest to keep you well and safe. I will never stop praying that you'll find your innermost truest happiness. And I will never leave you in a true time of need if I can at all help it.
If you don't believe me, ask the people who've gone up against me about what's best for sharon! Ask the doctors that treated my gut and tried making me take drugs for everything. Drugs that while they may have eased the pain/discomfort they would have dulled my ability to think and to feel and to function.
My body is temporary. The pain will fade whenever. The sickness will do whatever. I don't care. I honestly don't. As long as I can do what I believe is best for everyone and keep them safe and healthy and happy, then that's all I really ask of myself. God will give whatever he sees fit to give me. He'll do whatever whenever however. As long as I can still love and care, that's all that really matters to me.
And do Not tell me I'm a great person or wise or kind or any of that rubbish! I am who I am and that's It! I'm no more a hero than anyone else. I'm no more wonderful than the next person. So I help people when and where I can... So what? That doesn't make me good or kind any more than it would any Other person with a soul. I do what I do because that's just me. Not for any special reasons. Just because I couldn't live with myself any other way.
End of story.
Now I'm gonna go over here and be really sick ok... You know how to reach me, and one word about raising the bat signal and the person who brings it up will be short one vital organ, capise?
Peace within and love through out.
~Storm