Fun and games in South Carolina
Don't worry if you beat up your significant other... you'll be outta jail in 30 days (that's assuming, ha, you get the maximum sentence).
But for pity's sake, don't whip out your gamecock and set it on another gamecock if you live in South Carolina ( Read more... )
But for pity's sake, don't whip out your gamecock and set it on another gamecock if you live in South Carolina ( Read more... )
Your statement was that BDSM was a fabulous resource for former abusers.
Perhaps your experience with so-called "former abusers" was really with people who had these needs, desires, that focused around BDSM... and having found an outlet, and an understanding of the need for consent and power EXCHANGE, they've understood themselves better.
My experience has been with abusers who beat the living shit out of their significant others and children. Who rape their prepubescent daughters and sons, because they've tired of raping their wives. Who murder their significant others, or leave them running in fear for their lives. Who manipulate and lie and cheat and take what they want, without care for anyone else. Abuse is about power and control. Period. All the rest of it is, as you put it, an accidental side effect.
You see, this is what I do for a LIVING. I work with victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse. And your statement that BDSM was a "fabulous resource for former abusers" was just, frankly, the most misinformed thing I've ever seen in that community, and that's saying a lot.
I think I understand where you were coming from, honestly... your statement about "desire to hit" made it pretty clear you aren't talking about true abuse. But the way your statement was worded, it would be taken as an open invitation to abusers to come on in!
People who abuse others don't just have an unfulfilled desire to redden someone else's skin, or cut someone, or see someone kneeling at their feet. People who abuse others take what they want, whether it's legal, consensual, or morally right.
I would suggest you do some reading on domestic violence, or some volunteer work in a program that helps victims of abuse, before you make that sort of sweeping statement.
If you wish to take this off-LJ that's fine. You may email me at eyes_of_cyrene (at) livejournal (dot) com. Otherwise, I'm perfectly content to continue this conversation here or on the community if my comment is un-screened.
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If you're only purpose here is to tell me that I'm wrong, then I don't see any point to continuing this exchange.
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"Been there. Done that." Been where? Done what? Been an abuser, a victim, a tireless advocate for survivors, a BEP counselor? If you gave me some sort of background for where you're getting your concepts from, I'd be far more likely to have a dialogue rather than tell you you're wrong.
But at this point, you're wrong. And I'm not out of line.
God almighty, man, do you not see how your thrice-damned statement could be taken?! "BDSM is a great resource for former abusers..." you may as well say "Come find your next victim right here, we have 'em in all shapes and sizes and submissive styles..."
I stated in both my comments to you that I thought I understood where you were coming from, and you've not bothered to acknowledge that, nor attempt to explain your position any further. Just restated it.
So if you haven't the wit nor the background to defend your position, then fine. Subject dropped. If you'd like to try to change my mind, by all means. I'm not closed minded. I AM convinced of the rightness of my position, and I've attempted to explain that position to you.
You just say "been there, done that, you're out of line."
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Nope. I didn't see that. And it doesn't bother me one whit. If I were going to find a community to which to entice abusers, the bdsm community would be my first choice. The community is strong and is well suited for dealing with abusive transgressions. It's what we do.
I stated in both my comments to you that I thought I understood where you were coming from, and you've not bothered to acknowledge that, nor attempt to explain your position any further. Just restated it.
Because you can't possibly understand where I'm coming from if it is so obviously and inarguably wrong from your perspective. You think you understand my position and you think it's wrong. I hear you. What more would you like me to say?
You apparently are more interested in one upmanship than in anything else. Some of use write to persuade, but that doesn't seem to be your purpose here. Your cries of "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!" don't seem to invite much discussion or comparison.
So if you haven't the wit nor the background to defend your position
Defend from what? This isn't a scientific journal. It's a community forum. It's a support forum. It's an educational forum. I'm here to share. You don't like my perspective? Fine. Don't read it. If your world view is so fragile that it can't encompass any position other than your own, then I'd rather that you didn't. It might hurt you.
I've stated my opinion, my experience, and my preference. There's really nothing to argue about in terms of any objective "right" or "wrong". It's my opinion and as such is purely subjective as is pretty much everything else discussed in this forum. Surely you aren't arguing that it isn't really my opinion, right? So what's left? Are you arguing that I have no right to express it? Or simply that my approach to expressing it doesn't further your goals as you see them?
So just what is your goal in this exchange? Are you just trying to force a pissing match? Ok, fine. I give up. You're the alpha dog and you've got so much experience and age and wisdom that no matter who I am, what I do for a living, or how old I am I can never, in this lifetime, ever, ever, ever hope to even approach your level of unapproachable insight into this matter. Does this satisfy you?
Or were you looking for something else?
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I said I thought I understood where you were coming from because it did NOT seem that you were talking about abuse... but about people who had been called abusive when in reality they were simply frustrated dominant people. Your statement about "desire to hit" was indication of that to me, as well as your definition of abuse (accidental side effect).
I think, too, there is a considerable difference in perspective here, because you're looking at this in terms of community... whereas I know that abusers don't come into a "community," they prey on people singly. The community may or may not become aware of this.
I'm glad you have the confidence that your statement wouldn't be taken wrongly. I do NOT.
No, I actually wasn't looking for an "okay, you're right..." I was looking for an "ah, that's a different perspective, now here's mine..." and an explanation of how you CAME to that perspective. I want other worldviews.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Mine just happens to be backed up by education, personal experience, and vocational familarity. I wanted to know where yours was originating, so I could try to understand. And as far as defending your opinion... how is anyone to have any respect for your opinion if you can't defend it?
For the record, I don't give a flying fuck how old you are. What you do for a living has jack to do with anything, either, unless you're going to tell me you work within the victims of violence system. Who you are has more bearing than anything else at this point, and I don't have a clue who you are.
While I realize my original commnent to you was an "I'm right, you're wrong" comment, I've been trying to keep the channel open here while every instinct has been to just walk away, because you don't seem willing to try to change my mind. Reading back, I HAVE allowed my annoyance and aggravation to take over, in places, but I AM trying to understand where you're coming from.
Simply stated: Abuse is about power and control. Nonconsensual. And abusers are absolutely masterful when it comes to hiding what they're doing, or finding justification for it.
You're talking about the community rehabilitating abusers. In my experience, abusers tend towards recidivism. What's YOUR experience with this?
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What people? You? Who specifically are we discussing here?
I said I thought I understood where you were coming from because it did NOT seem that you were talking about abuse...
Oh, but I am. I may not be using your definition of abuse, but I am using an extremely common one.
I think, too, there is a considerable difference in perspective here, because you're looking at this in terms of community... whereas I know that abusers don't come into a "community," they prey on people singly. The community may or may not become aware of this.
Just who do you think they're preying on if not members of the community?
The community is absolutely intrinsic to the definition of abuse in several ways. First, the community dictates the lines, contexts, and behaviors which are considered appropriate (or not). For any particular behavior, there is alost certainly some social group at some point in history who considered it abusive and another who considered it's absence abuse. Second, one of the key factors in ongoing abuse is the shame felt by victims. Shame is a social phenomenon constructed out of the victim's understanding of the observer's opinion. Third, when they do seek help, victim's tend to seek help from the community. The community is where this needs to come from in order to avoid simply retribution and vengence.
My claim is that members of the bdsm community, as a whole, compared with, say, the abuse survivors community, are better suited as a whole to recognize attempted abuse and respond to it and better suited to seek help from their community, and that their community, the bdsm community, is better suited to acknowledging that need and offering support, not only to the victim who seeks help but also to abusers, whether they seek help or not. I've seen it happen countless times and I've been involved in quite a few.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Mine just happens to be backed up by education, personal experience, and vocational familarity. I wanted to know where yours was originating, so I could try to understand. And as far as defending your opinion... how is anyone to have any respect for your opinion if you can't defend it?
For the record, I don't give a flying fuck how old you are. What you do for a living has jack to do with anything, either, unless you're going to tell me you work within the victims of violence system. Who you are has more bearing than anything else at this point, and I don't have a clue who you are.
Ok, so for you, education, personal experience, and vocational familiarity are the factors which make your opinion so much more valid than mine. You don't care about my age or my vocation. So what I'm hearing is that you need to know my education around and my personal experience with abuse so that you can decide whether my opinion has value.
I think you have it all backwards. If you don't have respect for my opinion standing in isolation, then it would be pointless for me to attempt to defend it. I intentionally skip trotting out qualifications and degrees and such on support forums specifically because doing so tends to avalanche into nothing more than a pissing contest. Maybe we have the same degrees. Then do we argue about which schools we went to? If we went to the same schools, or yours was more expensive or more liberal, then do we start discussing which courses we took?
(cont)
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What people?
The general public. Anybody and anyone who read your comment. Abusers. Victims. Purple-spotted people eaters.
Oh, but I am. I may not be using your definition of abuse, but I am using an extremely common one.
It's not MY definition of abuse. It's the definition of abuse used professionally worldwide. An extremely common definition of abuse? WHAT definition of abuse? The general public's definition of abuse is pretty narrow, and fallacious. It centers around hitting, around physical abuse. And I'm sorry, but by that definition, a whole heck of a lot of BDSM behaviors fall under abuse. I don't consider BDSM intrinistically an abusive lifestyle. Quite the opposite, in fact. And this is due to the CONSENSUAL nature of BDSM.
This, I think, is where people in the general public get stuck. Abusers will say, "Well, she liked it, she wanted it." So will a dominant who has just caned his submissive. How is the general public to know the difference? *I* know the difference, and it centers on a very simple concept: ABUSE=NONCONSENSUAL.
I was stating where my opinion originated because, yes, that gives weight. If your opinion came from some personal experience, that gives validity. If you're pulling it out of your ass, then no, I don't think it's a very valid opinion. If random Joe off the street gives me his opinion on world issues, taken entirely from the ten o'clock news, am I to take that with the same weight as the opinion of an ambassador? I don't think so. Now, Random Joe may tell me that he's a former special assistant to the UN Secretary General. Automatically, his opinion is going to have more weight, more validity. The weight of an opinion IS affected by the source of said opinion.
I'm glad you're bringing in your experience because that's what I was looking for, but you and I still seem to be arguing from completely different definitions of abuse.
I am in complete agreement with you on this: The community is where this needs to come from in order to avoid simply retribution and vengence. This is something I struggle to work with within all the different communities I encounter.
Yes, people are members of communities. But the community cannot possibly ever know what goes on behind closed doors. This is an ongoing theme... "But he was such a nice man, a pillar of the community! Certainly he couldn't do THAT!" The reality is, too many abusers get away with it because their communities aren't aware of what they're doing.
I agree the BDSM community is more than likely more sensitive to abuse issues, just because the general public sees BDSM as aberrant. And I've been encouraged to see as much awareness as there is. This does NOT mean there are no ongoing issues. I think you've acknowledged this, and I thank you for that.
Abuse victims feel shame, yes, and some of that shame is, as you said, from their understanding of the observer's opinion.
However, the greater impact comes from the systematic stripping down of the victim's identity by the abuser, the systematic removal of power from the victim, without his or her consent. There's that pesky concept again. Consent.
I do honor your experiences, and I applaud you for what I see as your input into resolving an issue that needs resolution.
Now on to your other comment...
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I disagree. Nonconsensual suggests abuse, but isn't conclusive.
Our society imprisons felons. The felon doesn't consent. This isn't considered abuse because it is a social norm, the community standard.
Our society incarcerates the mentally ill. Sure, we legally strip of them of their right to consent before we put them away against their will, but we still put them away, even if it is nonconsensual.
Nor is all abuse nonconsensual. Again, we're back to community standards. Currently, in our culture, it's considered inappropriate for licensed shrinks to fuck their clients - even if it is consensual, it's still considered abuse. It's also illegal for a boss to have sex with an underling - again, sexual abuse, even if it's consensual. And it's illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor, even if the minor consents, even if the parents consent for the minor. In some cases, the parents can consent to a marriage and then suddenly sex between the same two people is socially acceptable, even if one of them is a minor.
These also aren't necessarily about power or control, btw. They tend to be taboo because of the potential danger of power imbalance and the difficulty in judging true and informed consent under these conditions. But as a culture, we don't even try. Instead, we simply declare them all to be abusive regardless of any possible consent which might be present.
Yes, my definition of abuse is extremely personal. It wasn't taken from the 10 o'clock news or from any class. It was hard won through numerous conflicts with myself, my community, my abusers, and yes, on occasion, from my victims.
I'm an edgeplayer. I explore frontiers. I learn. Learning means making mistakes and in this realm, a mistake can easily constitute abuse. I know this. My partners know this. We both go into the situation knowing that abuse can, and eventually will occur. Our agreement, however, is to catch these situations and correct them as soon as possible. That's a goal, though, and it doesn't always work out that way. When transgressions occur, it's almost universally because someone has a weak boundary, (at least in part). And the location of that weak boundary points to an area of life in which they have difficulty. Getting over that difficulty to the point where someone can express their experience or ask for a change isn't always trivial. And sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sometimes relationships break.
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Abuse is, by definition, a pattern. Not a one-time transgression that you bring up. A pattern of behaviors, of transgressions if you will, designed to shift the balance of power from one party to the other. It's not a one-time, or two-time, violation of someone's boundaries. Mistakes are not the same thing as patterns.
I don't understand how you can not see the difference between what you're talking about and what I'm talking about.
It's also illegal for a boss to have sex with an underling - again, sexual abuse, even if it's consensual.
It isn't illegal for a boss to have sex with an underling. It IS stupid, on both their parts. It IS illegal for the boss to blackmail or coerce the underling based on their sexual relationship. I addressed that in the last comment.
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It's not ludicrous. It's a daily reality. Kidnap vs arrest is a fine line. the key distinction is social support. People taken off the street in some third world countries are difficult to judge. Have they been kidnapped? Or have they been arrested? The decision largely depends on whether you respect the people involved as agents of a valid government.
Abuse is, by definition, a pattern. Not a one-time transgression that you bring up.
Are you really trying to argue that an incident which occurs once can't possibly be abusive because it's only occurred once?
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Comparing convicted criminals to victims is ludicrous for one simple reason: Criminals have done something wrong. Their imprisonment is due to a wrongdoing on their part. A consequence.
A victim of a crime has done nothing to deserve being victimized. Period.
Of course I'm not arguing that a one-time action can't be abusive.
If you're going to slap the term "Abuser" on someone, then, yes, there needs to be a pattern. I'm not saying an ACTION can't be abusive in a vacuum. It can. But just because a man has sex with another man once, that doesn't make him gay. Just because an abusive action occurs once, that doesn't make someone an abuser.
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Yes, but wrong according to whom? If attempting to negotiate for hostage release counts as "wrong", or if being white or rich or simply american counts as "wrong", then I'm sure you're right. But I'm not convinced that they do. If you believe these things count as "wrong", then sure, they are criminals being punished. (we can skip the question of whether it's a just punishment for now). But if you see these things as acceptable, even in countries who believe otherwise, then I think the line blurs considerably.
Again, I don't think the line is quite so clear or black and white.
How do you view unjust governments, then? Or political torture? Or even Islamic treatment of women?
For me, the social mores are critical here. From the Islamic perspective, their treatment is generally just. From an American perspective, it's abusive. The ethics and morals are, in my opinion, completely relative to the frame of reference. We can't a priori determine whether Islamic treatment of women is abusive or not without considering the observer or the social support available.
To bring it back to bdsm - some people believe it's possible to create a master/slave dynamic here in the United States, today. I do not. I believe that the social structure we've created to prevent slavery makes it impossible to create a slavery relationship which can be enforced. You can't contract away your rights legally and most people believe you can't morally contract them away either. This means that a slave seeking to escape can and will find support, but a master seeking to retain a slave will not find that level of support.
How about corporal punishment? There was a guy in the news a few years ago who was beaten. The country in question uses beating as a form of legal punishment. In America we do not. We consider it barbaric and abusive. Pretending for a moment that he truley was guilty of whatever it was with which he was charged, regardless of whether that act is a crime here in the US, do you consider his punishment to be just? Or abusive? Should the United States have stepped in to prevent it?
If you're going to slap the term "Abuser" on someone, then, yes, there needs to be a pattern.
Ok, I can see that and I agree, more or less. I haven't been using that term, though. I've been talking about abuse and abusive actions and events.
I think a single instance of a crime can make someone a criminal, though. So if the abusive action is also criminal, then I would tend to think of that person as abusive even from a single instance. The degree of the instance would also enter into it for me, as well as intent. But I agree that while these things can define an abuser, they don't necessarily.
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Yes, you have. And I commend you for it, though I suspect that opinion won't mean much to you either. Most folks would have allowed the exchange to degenerate into pointless name calling or simply abandoned it long ago. So brava.
Simply stated: Abuse is about power and control. Nonconsensual. And abusers are absolutely masterful when it comes to hiding what they're doing, or finding justification for it.
I disagree. Much person to person physical violence falls into this category, yes, but it's far from the only form abuse might take. Physical abuse tends to be fairly obvious to the victim - it hurts, it feels wrong.
Sexual abuse is a completely different category. Sexual abuse may even be consensual between the participants. It may feel good. It may seem natural and right. Sexual activity between, say, a teenager and a step parent, (which seems to be an extremely common situation), isn't right, according to our current social norms. It's abusive. Even if they both want it, even if they aren't blood related, it's still abusive.
Even for person to person violence, I disagree that it's always about power and control. Power and control are a convenient paradigm from which to describe the situation. But they aren't universally what's on the mind of the abuser.
You're talking about the community rehabilitating abusers. In my experience, abusers tend towards recidivism. What's YOUR experience with this?
My experience is that community support and professional support do a fabulous job of decreasing both the rate and the degree of recidivism. Sure, there's recidivism. That's kind of like saying that relationships end. Of course they do. But that doesn't invalidate the time two people spent together before the end. Similarly, recidivism happens. But that doesn't invalidate the progress made by the abuser in the mean time.
Ongoing abuse is difficult in the bdsm community. You basically have to drop out of the community for it to occur. We talk. We discuss. One of the primary side effects of abuse - keeping the victim ignorant - is largely eliminated. Read back through the posts to male_dom. Even over the last week or 10 days we've had 3 or 4 posters asking about whether their situation seemed abusive to the rest of us, what they should do about it, etc.
We instill a strong value for community. This is part of the reason. If a person is cut off from social support other than a particular "dom" or whomever, that should be a clue to the person. It should be a big yellow flag. They should start to wonder what's really going on and whether their safety is in jeopardy.
We have a strong network of support when it comes to checking people out. Want to know how someone in your town plays? Ask around about them. Or go to a party and watch them play. Then make your decisions. If no one knows them or no one is willing to talk about it, then that should be a clue. If several people have nasty tales to tell, then listen to them and decide whether the problems they ran into are things that are likely to affect you. Do they seem like recurring weaknesses of yours? Or do these seem like people who are being silly or hypersensitive to you?
And in some cases, the community will literally ostracize repeat abusers if they haven't been able to bring them around any other way. They simply become unwelcome at scene events. Oh, they may find other events, but our group, our community at least will remain somewhat protected.
And I haven't really talked much about emotional abuse yet.
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I'm going to try to address several things here, but I have to say, your statement of:
Sexual abuse is a completely different category. Sexual abuse may even be consensual between the participants. It may feel good. It may seem natural and right. Sexual activity between, say, a teenager and a step parent, (which seems to be an extremely common situation), isn't right, according to our current social norms. It's abusive. Even if they both want it, even if they aren't blood related, it's still abusive.
Just set my back up.
I'm not talking about social mores here. I'm not talking about whether society views a particular relationship as right or wrong, since by society's standards, BDSM-related relationships are going to be wrong.
Sexual abuse is never consensual. Period. If it's abusive, it's not consensual. If it's nonconsensual, it's abusive. Am I making sense here? ABUSE=NONCONSENSUAL. I just said that above, but I'm repeating it here. That's the foundation of everything I'm saying here. I don't know what your foundation is, but it doesn't seem to be the same as mine.
Physical abuse is the tip of the iceberg. It's the form of abuse that gets the most press, the most attention. It's also not the most damaging part of abuse. Physical abuse is, in most cases, the end result. The culmination. I'm not trying to single out different forms of abuse here, but there's a progression. Physical abuse, or sexual abuse, doesn't just arise from a void. It comes AFTER the emotional, the mental.
If someone up and hits someone else, SOMETHING has happened before this. And by the time the physical abuse comes into the picture, the victim may be so convinced of his or her own worthlessness, they may think nothing of the bruises, the black eyes, the broken bones. They may feel they deserve what's happened to them physically... because the abuser has stripped away their self-worth.
This is why I'm saying the community (whatever community that may be) often doesn't SEE the abuse. The community will often see the physical evidence. What they don't see is what happens every day, every hour.
For the record: the ignorance and isolation of the victim are not a side effect... they're a tactic. This may seem like a semantical argument to you, and I'm not trying to nitpick... but the isolation of the victim is a prime tactic of control assumption.
The problem is, it's not usually a quick isolation. It's by degrees, and it's done in such a way that the victim feels a bond to the abuser, an "us against the world" sort of feeling.
Thank you, again, for sharing your experiences within the community. I HAVE read the threads in male_dom from submissives asking about their situations, and I've seen a good deal of sense in the advice given. That's encouraging, and better than most groups are able to give.
I think I finally understand what you were expressing in your original comment, but I still think that the way you expressed it could have been taken the way *I* took it, by many people. And I still think you don't quite understand the dynamics of abuse. Me? I live with the dynamics, every day. They're ingrained by now. And I've done more than my share of education about the difference between BDSM and abuse.
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So then, if I'm talking to a woman who has had sex with her father since she was 14 and claims the relationship is consensual, (she's now past the age of consent), in your mind, this is not and never was abuse? Even though it's illegal, actionable, and considered abusive by the bulk of the western psychological community?
Or are you going to claim that the woman had no ability or right to consent and that magically in the precise moment between her legal status as a minor and her legal status as an adult it somehow magically transformed from being abusive to being nonabusive?
How do you view sex between children? Is it abusive?
Or how about the boss/secretary scenario? If she consents, are you saying that it's not abuse? Or are you going to try to argue that she's incapable of consent in this situation?
How about the psychologist and client? Or priest/minister/clergy and (adult) client? How about hypnotist and client? Or even dentist and client? If the client in all of these cases claims to have consented, which ones constitute abuse in your mind? Does it matter which ones are socially acceptable and which ones are illegal, considered unethical, considered grounds for revoking a license to practice, or otherwise?
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Children and parents have, by definition, a completely imbalanced relationship. That's the way it's supposed to be. Parents have power over children (and hopefully exercise that with caution, care, and love). A parent who takes advantage of that power is abusing his or her child. Period. I don't see any wiggle room there at all. (and, by the way, this applies to a stepparent, too)
I've lost track of how many former child victims have claimed consensuality in order to protect their abusers... because they've been led to believe they consented. Grooming. It's a wonderful thing.
2) define "between children."
Sexual experimentation is normal and healthy. Sex between minors, while often regrettable, is normal. Sex between a 16-year-old and an 8-year-old is abusive. Balance. Of. Power. Inability. To. Consent.
3) it's not illegal (or abusive) for the secretary to be screwing her boss, or for the boss to be porking his secretary. It's stupid, yes, and will more than likely lead to problems, but it does not become illegal (or abusive) until or unless there are threats or sanctions stated or implied. "you fuck me or you lose your job," stated or implied. THEN it becomes abusive. And illegal. (unless you're in the military, and the military is literally a law unto itself)
If the sex between them is the result of those sorts of threats, then, yes, it's abusive. Her ability to consent implies an equality. If he reminds her that she's not anywhere near equal to him, and she feels coerced, then it's not consensual.
I think you and I are not only defining the big terms differently, but also the supporting terms.
4) Once again, we hit up against... are we discussing/arguing the terms based on moral/social views, or legality?
Legally, yes, all that is abusive, grounds for suspension, et cetera.
Is it abusive by the definitions of "nonconsensual" and "power imbalance?" Maybe. Maybe not. I'm quite sure there are, somewhere, former doctor/patient, priest/lay person, dentist/patient pairs who have gone on to happy, healthy, fulfilled relationships.
Cool. I'm all for healthy relationships.
This is one place where, morally, the waters are a little muddy. Was there any coercion at the beginning? If not, then I would personally (and this is entirely my own opinion) say that sex between these two people wasn't abusive. If there WAS coercion, I'm going to slap that label on.
Because coercion lessens the ability to consent.
Consent. Balance of power.
Put this back in the context where we began... BDSM.
Dominant.
Submissive.
Would you argue that there is an inherent imbalance of power upon labelling people as one or the other? I submit that (hahah, unintended pun) until the submissive party has consented to the exchange of power, he or she has an equal amount. And I would furthermore submit that the balance of power doesn't necessarily truly shift.
This is getting too far into personal credo, though. My point here is this: The submissive party needs to give consent to the dominant party before the power EXCHANGE takes place.
There's no exchange in abuse. Power is taken, not given.
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