Sometimes...
I want to hide in the electrons.
Disappear into the computer, and never return. Just... become a series of 0's and 1's without a care, just moving blindly through circuits.
This is one of those days. It hasn't been a bad day. Really. I just have so many things on my mind, so many worries, so many guilt trips even stemming back to childhood... so MUCH NEGATIVITY.
For those who don't know, we are moving the remainder of the stuff we're keeping this weekend. We are theoretically going to have a U-Haul tomorrow afternoon (from somewhere, I don't know where). Just a tangent, did you know there are entire WEBSITES dedicated to the theme "U-Haul Sucks"? Evidently the incidents that I've heard about and personally experienced are not isolated incidents.
So, Paul has a concert today, should actually be done at this point... somewhere up northwest (I think) of Cedar Falls. He left at 10 this morning and will most likely be back around 9. I thought about going to Cedar Rapids today (for work) but decided against it becuase I have SO MUCH TO DO and can get some things done better without him here. Some I can't, some I can.
Being a pack rat, and moving, is hard. Being a pack rat, and knowing you're moving somewhere where you will not have enough room for all your stuff, and knowing you're going to have to get rid of a lot of it, is even harder. In particular when we're talking about stuff like baby clothes, etc. Stuff that belonged to my mom. Stuff that has some memories associated with it. Stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in years.
It's still all hard to let go of but I'm doing a reasonably good job.
And now this whole thing with Madd and control/talking behind his back... As I told him the other night, sometimes I DO feel he controls me. I admitted it to him, and we talked about the concept that the control is mutual...I wish we'd talked more about a lot of things the other night. It's going to be somewhat harder to find Gretl-Madd time when Paul is in DSM. It's going to be somewhat harder to find Gretl-anybody time. Always, I'll be concerned about whether Paul is feeling left out or jealous or upset or what have you.
Back to the tangent...
I feel guilty. Why? Because my question to him, one I'd been meaning to ask him for a long time and hadn't gotten around to (although we'd discussed the issue of control in the past) was the catalyst for a whole can of worms being opened. He got upset. Other people are going to get upset. Is it my fault? No. That doesn't mitigate my feeling guilty for being the catalyst, though.
*sigh*
I understand his viewpoint. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Maybe I also feel guilty because there are times I've gone to other people to talk about issues that have arisen with him, before I've gone to him with them. Generally this is because my feelings are so intense at the moment that I feel the desire to defuse and get my head straight before talking to him. This is what I was attempting to convey to him this afternoon... I don't know if I did a good job or not, since he was getting annoyed with me for attempting to play defense attorney. And he recognized (and I admitted) that some of my concern and attempt to defuse the situation was due to my own self-interest. Of course it was.
*sigh*
The other day it hit me in the gut how people truly perceive my treatment of Paul, my relationship with him, etc. Mainly it's been hinted at. A couple of times it's been said outright. Less often it's been shoved completely aside.
I love my husband, deeply. I have no intention of leaving him for anyone else. Are there times when I'd rather not be around him? Sure. There are times he'd rather not be around me as well. That's normal, to my way of thinking. What I come back to is that we've been together for more than ten years... and I, the fickle, fall-in-and-out-of-love-in-a-week girl, am still in love with him, want to spend the rest of my life with him, would rather spend time with him than almost anyone (not always but most of the time), can talk to him about almost anything (even things that might be painful for him to hear), and just... generally, I've not gotten tired of him. That sounds so self-centered. But given the fact that my longest previous relationship was under 3 years, sticking with one person for ten and not being bored is a pretty big thing to me.
That speaks volumes more about who HE is than about ME. Paul is an amazing person. As Madd pointed out, he has the absolute right to detest Madd. And he's chosen not to, and has chosen to LIKE Madd. Part of this is because of Madd. Most of it is because of Paul.
Paul... chooses the higher road more often than not. The path TO that road may not be smooth, there may be rocks all over the place and he may bring those rocks home and throw 'em at me... however, the ultimate end result is that he chooses the higher one.
Yes, I understand why people would think that I don't treat Paul as he deserves to be treated. Just the fact that I am in love with Madd, publicly admit that, and don't attempt to hide it would be enough for most people to use as proof of that.
But you know what? Paul KNOWS all this. And...
Paul loves me anyway and accepts who I am, accepts that my love for him is ongoing and undiminished regardless of my love for Madd, accepts (with occasional moments of doubt still) that I am his wife presumably for life, and basically... he allows me to be ME. Most men would not do that. Most would force me into their mold of "perfect wife" and make me stay there.
This is a greater gift than he realizes, I think. And I hope he realizes how much I love him, and appreciate him, and appreciate this gift he gives me every single day.
Even if I want to throw things at him sometimes.
I feel better. I'm going to go pack some more.
Disappear into the computer, and never return. Just... become a series of 0's and 1's without a care, just moving blindly through circuits.
This is one of those days. It hasn't been a bad day. Really. I just have so many things on my mind, so many worries, so many guilt trips even stemming back to childhood... so MUCH NEGATIVITY.
For those who don't know, we are moving the remainder of the stuff we're keeping this weekend. We are theoretically going to have a U-Haul tomorrow afternoon (from somewhere, I don't know where). Just a tangent, did you know there are entire WEBSITES dedicated to the theme "U-Haul Sucks"? Evidently the incidents that I've heard about and personally experienced are not isolated incidents.
So, Paul has a concert today, should actually be done at this point... somewhere up northwest (I think) of Cedar Falls. He left at 10 this morning and will most likely be back around 9. I thought about going to Cedar Rapids today (for work) but decided against it becuase I have SO MUCH TO DO and can get some things done better without him here. Some I can't, some I can.
Being a pack rat, and moving, is hard. Being a pack rat, and knowing you're moving somewhere where you will not have enough room for all your stuff, and knowing you're going to have to get rid of a lot of it, is even harder. In particular when we're talking about stuff like baby clothes, etc. Stuff that belonged to my mom. Stuff that has some memories associated with it. Stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in years.
It's still all hard to let go of but I'm doing a reasonably good job.
And now this whole thing with Madd and control/talking behind his back... As I told him the other night, sometimes I DO feel he controls me. I admitted it to him, and we talked about the concept that the control is mutual...I wish we'd talked more about a lot of things the other night. It's going to be somewhat harder to find Gretl-Madd time when Paul is in DSM. It's going to be somewhat harder to find Gretl-anybody time. Always, I'll be concerned about whether Paul is feeling left out or jealous or upset or what have you.
Back to the tangent...
I feel guilty. Why? Because my question to him, one I'd been meaning to ask him for a long time and hadn't gotten around to (although we'd discussed the issue of control in the past) was the catalyst for a whole can of worms being opened. He got upset. Other people are going to get upset. Is it my fault? No. That doesn't mitigate my feeling guilty for being the catalyst, though.
*sigh*
I understand his viewpoint. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Maybe I also feel guilty because there are times I've gone to other people to talk about issues that have arisen with him, before I've gone to him with them. Generally this is because my feelings are so intense at the moment that I feel the desire to defuse and get my head straight before talking to him. This is what I was attempting to convey to him this afternoon... I don't know if I did a good job or not, since he was getting annoyed with me for attempting to play defense attorney. And he recognized (and I admitted) that some of my concern and attempt to defuse the situation was due to my own self-interest. Of course it was.
*sigh*
The other day it hit me in the gut how people truly perceive my treatment of Paul, my relationship with him, etc. Mainly it's been hinted at. A couple of times it's been said outright. Less often it's been shoved completely aside.
I love my husband, deeply. I have no intention of leaving him for anyone else. Are there times when I'd rather not be around him? Sure. There are times he'd rather not be around me as well. That's normal, to my way of thinking. What I come back to is that we've been together for more than ten years... and I, the fickle, fall-in-and-out-of-love-in-a-week girl, am still in love with him, want to spend the rest of my life with him, would rather spend time with him than almost anyone (not always but most of the time), can talk to him about almost anything (even things that might be painful for him to hear), and just... generally, I've not gotten tired of him. That sounds so self-centered. But given the fact that my longest previous relationship was under 3 years, sticking with one person for ten and not being bored is a pretty big thing to me.
That speaks volumes more about who HE is than about ME. Paul is an amazing person. As Madd pointed out, he has the absolute right to detest Madd. And he's chosen not to, and has chosen to LIKE Madd. Part of this is because of Madd. Most of it is because of Paul.
Paul... chooses the higher road more often than not. The path TO that road may not be smooth, there may be rocks all over the place and he may bring those rocks home and throw 'em at me... however, the ultimate end result is that he chooses the higher one.
Yes, I understand why people would think that I don't treat Paul as he deserves to be treated. Just the fact that I am in love with Madd, publicly admit that, and don't attempt to hide it would be enough for most people to use as proof of that.
But you know what? Paul KNOWS all this. And...
Paul loves me anyway and accepts who I am, accepts that my love for him is ongoing and undiminished regardless of my love for Madd, accepts (with occasional moments of doubt still) that I am his wife presumably for life, and basically... he allows me to be ME. Most men would not do that. Most would force me into their mold of "perfect wife" and make me stay there.
This is a greater gift than he realizes, I think. And I hope he realizes how much I love him, and appreciate him, and appreciate this gift he gives me every single day.
Even if I want to throw things at him sometimes.
I feel better. I'm going to go pack some more.