devastated
so i have been studying the past few days all day and btwn work. i am taking off work for a few days prior as well to just cram. things were fine this morning.
after lunch as i am in the office studying i here - "Ruby, help me!" i flip out and run to see what is wrong. Mom's hip joint (the replacement) has slipped out again and she is trapped in the kitchen not able to move, just standing there.
usually if i am not home she waits for a few minutes to almost 30 minutes for it to relax and pop back in. but she had to go to the bathroom and couldn't make it to even a chair.
i help her and she is all kinds of upset. i have put her to bed for an afternoon nap to calm her.
i am just scared, upset, i don't even know right now. i feel so guilty b/c i was complaining to Sarah that i don't even get to spend the night at her place for a few hours to chill on my own. i am scared and alone. i don't know what to do. i feel so bad for wanting my own space again but then i have things liek this that so me why i can't and why i push people away from me in relationships. i have enough on my plate, i am not complaining, i understand why, i accept it. i just hate being alone with no one to cry to or hold me, lie to me and say it will be okay.
i could get false comfort from R but that is not what i need or want. i want the rela thing, even just firendship is all i wnat, something that is real that i can hold on to. if that such a hard thing to ask for or want. it goes so far beyond want it is now a need. again how selfish can i be, i am a spoiled monster. instead of being upset for my mom which i am, i go on a ramble and cry about how i have no one to cry to about it. i am here for her but no one is here for me.
let me be selfish just for a few minutes then so i can cry, suck it up, and then clean up like nothing is wrong in about an hour. i'll go back to studying, then to work tonight, and no one will know i am crumbling inside. i am so tired of being alone in times like these, and i know that i am not that God is always here but sometimes it would be nice if He could just send soemone to just give me a hug and let me cry in the safety of someone's arms.
after lunch as i am in the office studying i here - "Ruby, help me!" i flip out and run to see what is wrong. Mom's hip joint (the replacement) has slipped out again and she is trapped in the kitchen not able to move, just standing there.
usually if i am not home she waits for a few minutes to almost 30 minutes for it to relax and pop back in. but she had to go to the bathroom and couldn't make it to even a chair.
i help her and she is all kinds of upset. i have put her to bed for an afternoon nap to calm her.
i am just scared, upset, i don't even know right now. i feel so guilty b/c i was complaining to Sarah that i don't even get to spend the night at her place for a few hours to chill on my own. i am scared and alone. i don't know what to do. i feel so bad for wanting my own space again but then i have things liek this that so me why i can't and why i push people away from me in relationships. i have enough on my plate, i am not complaining, i understand why, i accept it. i just hate being alone with no one to cry to or hold me, lie to me and say it will be okay.
i could get false comfort from R but that is not what i need or want. i want the rela thing, even just firendship is all i wnat, something that is real that i can hold on to. if that such a hard thing to ask for or want. it goes so far beyond want it is now a need. again how selfish can i be, i am a spoiled monster. instead of being upset for my mom which i am, i go on a ramble and cry about how i have no one to cry to about it. i am here for her but no one is here for me.
let me be selfish just for a few minutes then so i can cry, suck it up, and then clean up like nothing is wrong in about an hour. i'll go back to studying, then to work tonight, and no one will know i am crumbling inside. i am so tired of being alone in times like these, and i know that i am not that God is always here but sometimes it would be nice if He could just send soemone to just give me a hug and let me cry in the safety of someone's arms.