(no subject)
hey zeus christos, man.
this is the fourth time i've started writing an entry, somehow everytime i really start to go into writing out my thoughts in regards to my conversation with brittany etc, i hit a button randomly and i lose it allllllll.
i am taking this as a sign to not process right now and merely let things be what they are. pass no judgements and not react to how she's reacting. give it some space and reevaluate it later...
if i am communicating my truth and where i am at, that is all i can do. if i am not being 'heard' is it because i am not articulating myself well enough? why do i feel defensive?
i need to make some raspberry leaf tea for my eye, take the hottest shower possible (our water doesn't go as hot as i wish it would), and possibly approach the concept and reality of sleeping...
one more note: i can't decide if my reality of staying up all night these past couple weeks is because of
a) insomnia. originally it must have been this, as i would have gone to bed. but i just didn't feel like sleeping and so i stayed up until i felt unable to stand or think or---
b) my intense need to exhaust myself so my mind quiets down. why oh why am i not meditating? if i start my meditation practice again, will i start sleeping more regular hours?
c) my avoidance of 'reality'. by not keeping 'business' like hours, i'm not really dealing with the concept of having a job. claire asked me earlier 'are you working tomorrow?' which seemed like the most inappropriate question she could ask, this astounded both of us and made us laugh very hard.
d) maybe i just fucking love staying up all night, why do i need to convince/validate myself?
it is all interrelated, yes indeed. it is not as black and white as one reason or another.
nothing is.
this is the fourth time i've started writing an entry, somehow everytime i really start to go into writing out my thoughts in regards to my conversation with brittany etc, i hit a button randomly and i lose it allllllll.
i am taking this as a sign to not process right now and merely let things be what they are. pass no judgements and not react to how she's reacting. give it some space and reevaluate it later...
if i am communicating my truth and where i am at, that is all i can do. if i am not being 'heard' is it because i am not articulating myself well enough? why do i feel defensive?
i need to make some raspberry leaf tea for my eye, take the hottest shower possible (our water doesn't go as hot as i wish it would), and possibly approach the concept and reality of sleeping...
one more note: i can't decide if my reality of staying up all night these past couple weeks is because of
a) insomnia. originally it must have been this, as i would have gone to bed. but i just didn't feel like sleeping and so i stayed up until i felt unable to stand or think or---
b) my intense need to exhaust myself so my mind quiets down. why oh why am i not meditating? if i start my meditation practice again, will i start sleeping more regular hours?
c) my avoidance of 'reality'. by not keeping 'business' like hours, i'm not really dealing with the concept of having a job. claire asked me earlier 'are you working tomorrow?' which seemed like the most inappropriate question she could ask, this astounded both of us and made us laugh very hard.
d) maybe i just fucking love staying up all night, why do i need to convince/validate myself?
it is all interrelated, yes indeed. it is not as black and white as one reason or another.
nothing is.