I am a preemptive ghost she is a preemptive angel together we foreshadow the sky and begin to fall.
I took a day off of school today, and i an attempt to be mentally productive will try to make this post not a complete waste of time for the reader, and somewhat interesting and not as cryptic.
First of all, this weekend was good. I didnt always feel good but as a whole it was very thoughtful and I'm glad I was a part of it. There was a unique balance of social comradery and introverted introspection, both which I desired. Also a lot of emotion, all over the place in great bounds and a lot of decent conversation (or better conversation). Sometimes I become self conscious that people will view my recent actions in general as over the top, which they are, and deconstructive but I will attempt to explain myself without justifying or rationalizing.
This may seem like a cliche or lousy metaphor, but bear with me--
Sunday morning I wandered from the house we were staying at and sat on a bridge overlooking a small river beneath the sidewalk to think, feeling a bit sad and trying to avoid being tired or annoyed and maybe subconsciously to catalyze a reaction from whoever cared to convince myself otherwise. Initially besides normal sad thoughts I was thinking that the scene seemed Ginsbergesque ("Holy the mysterious rivers of tears beneath the streets!"), as the creek expanded indefinitely beneath the sidewalks and ashphault, then I considered that almost any scene could and I was being an idiot. Nonetheless, I pictured a small girl crying at one end of the river, far away at the beginning, filling it and carrying the current. (I am not sure if this is part of the metaphor yet, but included it just to give an idea of my sentiment.) A yellow brown leaf falling from a tree hanging over the bridge and water caught my attention as it floated before me. It plopped silently into the water and began slowly floating to an invisible end. Aware of the absurdity of my thinking, but also earnestly stubborn of its relevancy, I thought to myself "what does this mean?" Looking in the water as the leaf floated, corroded and petrified were familiar objects: trash and bottles and waste, then other leaves lining the bottom. Leaves besides my own floated as well. I decided the leaf that fell was me, and it was tiny even in the small river that represented the world I have, my environment, small in all the water of the whole world that is the whole world and I was floating along it's length, and that was time, towards an inevitable but also invconcievable death. From my perspective I could not see the end of the river, and even if the small leaf had eyes i know it would not have been able to see it either. Death does seem impalpable to me, though I know it is coming, and sure enough I treaded down the length of the river besides it with my legs and found a concrete finality where the leaf would surely crash and be lost. The leaf had been plucked from the stillness of not living and floated down into the process of dying, the same water that feeds the trees of nature from which we fall and now floated down its river bumping into other leaves and oblivious of all the leaves at the bottom and just encountering its environment. This sounds cryptic probably but it made a lot of sense to me. The symbolism was humbling and I felt very small and kind of pointless. I then considered the point of the leaf floating. The cycle of life that occurs for each leaf is redundant and fated for illness, which didnt make me feel so good. My solution was that each leaf must enjoy its surroundings, as the river was beautiful looked over by the trees and perfect weather and the environment was so stimulating it's what got me thinking all crazy in the first place. The leaf, even with no eyes, must see this environment and be pleased, fulfilled, for it is simple but fantastic watching the sky and leaves and nature and all its interactions must soak in with the most fulfillment possible.
sorry if that was really lame but for me it was sort of an epiphany, even if it seems obvious or abstract. This image led me to a conclusion that has two parts.
1. Consciousness is superficial.
2. The mission to make the most is in accessing the subconscious.
Consciousness- politics, school, food, relationships, titles, poetry, literature, music- anything that we are cognitively aware of, has no real meaning and in a cognitive context offer no real fulfillment. Most of those things and similar concepts are just jobs or positions we fit our emotions and lifestyles into so that we may feel stable and secure. Or those things are educational tools to provide knowledge, which without application is useless, or the only point is to achieve one of those positions (school, college, whatever.) The point of these things is to relish and soak in the "between the lines", use experiences to stimulate and develop your mind. Don't read a book for the plot, read for subtext and theme and a personal satisfaction and understanding, use the plot to find one of those things. Music is played by musicians for the satisfaction in bringing songs to life and total expression and snapping off and love of sound. The notes dont make us happy, it's their application and the underlying feeling that comes in response. Relationships are stupid because interactions with people dont always fit under friend or lover or family member, the reason those terms cross over so much is because they are innaccurate. I was really unhappy for a while trying to define all my relationships, as they felt like they were coming up short and perhaps I was settling and perhaps I still am, but I've now realized that they dont fit into named packages and when there is love there is love and when there is not there is not and there is always something but it may not be totally completely enough in any interaction with anyone.
People are inconstent.
We are all people.
I refuse to feel guilty
for not fitting into specific standards set by my environment when it's just the way I am. In my experiences with any of my friends or significants, there have been too many times where I've been repressing my feelings or exaggerating my feelings just to fit into some idealistic social construction: boyfriend, best friend, classmate, stranger, whatever. That seems false, dubious. I dont want it anymore. What I guess I'm saying is, whatever happens happens. Truth and beauty and fulfillment all seem synonymous.
This has taken a turn for vagueness, but I dont know how else to be general.
What else is an environment designed to do but stimulate emotion and thought, so we must embrace both of those (but not exaggerate them), and find the underlying emotion or subconscious complacency in every situation. If it isnt there, something is wrong and a new growth must be achieved. I think one reason people drink or do drugs is to release the inhibitions of social pressures to be a certain way, and find euphoria in who they most instinctually are. It's unfortunate though, because people dont know how to control or manipulate it and it just seems unproductive and very uncrucial instead of conducive and stimulating, instead of a window to the self conscious (randomized drunken writing is an example.) People just end up wasted. That really is not who I want to be.
A couple other distinctions: sadness and dissatisfaction are very different. THe first should be embraced, emotion is very expressive and provocative but wallowing is superficial and fake and unproductive. Dissatisfaction is almost a type of apathy, it only demonstrates a lack of control over ones consciousness. One must control or have some acceptance of their consciousness to access their subconscious.
Personally, this all means for me that I need to stop being an idiot about most of my approached in life. I have to prioritize my stimulants and figure out what makes me develop the most, but only after being sure I'm caught up with my consciousness. I think alright things are ahead though. I'm gonna go read.
First of all, this weekend was good. I didnt always feel good but as a whole it was very thoughtful and I'm glad I was a part of it. There was a unique balance of social comradery and introverted introspection, both which I desired. Also a lot of emotion, all over the place in great bounds and a lot of decent conversation (or better conversation). Sometimes I become self conscious that people will view my recent actions in general as over the top, which they are, and deconstructive but I will attempt to explain myself without justifying or rationalizing.
This may seem like a cliche or lousy metaphor, but bear with me--
Sunday morning I wandered from the house we were staying at and sat on a bridge overlooking a small river beneath the sidewalk to think, feeling a bit sad and trying to avoid being tired or annoyed and maybe subconsciously to catalyze a reaction from whoever cared to convince myself otherwise. Initially besides normal sad thoughts I was thinking that the scene seemed Ginsbergesque ("Holy the mysterious rivers of tears beneath the streets!"), as the creek expanded indefinitely beneath the sidewalks and ashphault, then I considered that almost any scene could and I was being an idiot. Nonetheless, I pictured a small girl crying at one end of the river, far away at the beginning, filling it and carrying the current. (I am not sure if this is part of the metaphor yet, but included it just to give an idea of my sentiment.) A yellow brown leaf falling from a tree hanging over the bridge and water caught my attention as it floated before me. It plopped silently into the water and began slowly floating to an invisible end. Aware of the absurdity of my thinking, but also earnestly stubborn of its relevancy, I thought to myself "what does this mean?" Looking in the water as the leaf floated, corroded and petrified were familiar objects: trash and bottles and waste, then other leaves lining the bottom. Leaves besides my own floated as well. I decided the leaf that fell was me, and it was tiny even in the small river that represented the world I have, my environment, small in all the water of the whole world that is the whole world and I was floating along it's length, and that was time, towards an inevitable but also invconcievable death. From my perspective I could not see the end of the river, and even if the small leaf had eyes i know it would not have been able to see it either. Death does seem impalpable to me, though I know it is coming, and sure enough I treaded down the length of the river besides it with my legs and found a concrete finality where the leaf would surely crash and be lost. The leaf had been plucked from the stillness of not living and floated down into the process of dying, the same water that feeds the trees of nature from which we fall and now floated down its river bumping into other leaves and oblivious of all the leaves at the bottom and just encountering its environment. This sounds cryptic probably but it made a lot of sense to me. The symbolism was humbling and I felt very small and kind of pointless. I then considered the point of the leaf floating. The cycle of life that occurs for each leaf is redundant and fated for illness, which didnt make me feel so good. My solution was that each leaf must enjoy its surroundings, as the river was beautiful looked over by the trees and perfect weather and the environment was so stimulating it's what got me thinking all crazy in the first place. The leaf, even with no eyes, must see this environment and be pleased, fulfilled, for it is simple but fantastic watching the sky and leaves and nature and all its interactions must soak in with the most fulfillment possible.
sorry if that was really lame but for me it was sort of an epiphany, even if it seems obvious or abstract. This image led me to a conclusion that has two parts.
1. Consciousness is superficial.
2. The mission to make the most is in accessing the subconscious.
Consciousness- politics, school, food, relationships, titles, poetry, literature, music- anything that we are cognitively aware of, has no real meaning and in a cognitive context offer no real fulfillment. Most of those things and similar concepts are just jobs or positions we fit our emotions and lifestyles into so that we may feel stable and secure. Or those things are educational tools to provide knowledge, which without application is useless, or the only point is to achieve one of those positions (school, college, whatever.) The point of these things is to relish and soak in the "between the lines", use experiences to stimulate and develop your mind. Don't read a book for the plot, read for subtext and theme and a personal satisfaction and understanding, use the plot to find one of those things. Music is played by musicians for the satisfaction in bringing songs to life and total expression and snapping off and love of sound. The notes dont make us happy, it's their application and the underlying feeling that comes in response. Relationships are stupid because interactions with people dont always fit under friend or lover or family member, the reason those terms cross over so much is because they are innaccurate. I was really unhappy for a while trying to define all my relationships, as they felt like they were coming up short and perhaps I was settling and perhaps I still am, but I've now realized that they dont fit into named packages and when there is love there is love and when there is not there is not and there is always something but it may not be totally completely enough in any interaction with anyone.
People are inconstent.
We are all people.
I refuse to feel guilty
for not fitting into specific standards set by my environment when it's just the way I am. In my experiences with any of my friends or significants, there have been too many times where I've been repressing my feelings or exaggerating my feelings just to fit into some idealistic social construction: boyfriend, best friend, classmate, stranger, whatever. That seems false, dubious. I dont want it anymore. What I guess I'm saying is, whatever happens happens. Truth and beauty and fulfillment all seem synonymous.
This has taken a turn for vagueness, but I dont know how else to be general.
What else is an environment designed to do but stimulate emotion and thought, so we must embrace both of those (but not exaggerate them), and find the underlying emotion or subconscious complacency in every situation. If it isnt there, something is wrong and a new growth must be achieved. I think one reason people drink or do drugs is to release the inhibitions of social pressures to be a certain way, and find euphoria in who they most instinctually are. It's unfortunate though, because people dont know how to control or manipulate it and it just seems unproductive and very uncrucial instead of conducive and stimulating, instead of a window to the self conscious (randomized drunken writing is an example.) People just end up wasted. That really is not who I want to be.
A couple other distinctions: sadness and dissatisfaction are very different. THe first should be embraced, emotion is very expressive and provocative but wallowing is superficial and fake and unproductive. Dissatisfaction is almost a type of apathy, it only demonstrates a lack of control over ones consciousness. One must control or have some acceptance of their consciousness to access their subconscious.
Personally, this all means for me that I need to stop being an idiot about most of my approached in life. I have to prioritize my stimulants and figure out what makes me develop the most, but only after being sure I'm caught up with my consciousness. I think alright things are ahead though. I'm gonna go read.