blood sucking beast
failure is a scary thing. in many ways. what i hate most about it is it sends you down that proverbial spiral. once you start screwing up you feel almost compelled to keep doing it. you screw up once, feel terrible, try and make things better, then you screw up again and again and again. and it just keeps going. knocks down your faith in your abilities. until you just start thinking that you can't do any better, that you are no better. that you're trapped in mediocrity forever. and might as well stop trying to scamper out, because better things aren't for people like you.
maybe you start comparing yourself to people you used to look down on. maybe you start rethinking your goals. maybe you start aiming lower. maybe you start thinking you deserve less.
i hate the spiral. i hate the stream of screw ups. i screwed up for years before. it just wouldn't stop. i wouldn't let it stop. the more stupid things i did, the more i screwed up my life, the more i did it. maybe its that whole idea that you hit rock bottom before you get up. maybe its just a loss of hope, of confidence, of motivation. i don't know.
i've noticed lately when people come to me with their problems my immediate response is to offer solutions, to suggest things they can do to change their situation. and on that note, i read something about russian conversational traditions, and it was saying that lamentations are an art form practically, and definitely a more, its the way you talk to people. you have pissing contests as to whose life is more screwed up. and the author of that book was american and she tried to offer the lamenting russians solutions to their woes, and they just didn't want to hear it at all. they just wanted to lament.
maybe its an american thing of me to think of these solutions. but maybe it isn't. maybe its an aversion to the past. to the years of crap, to the years spent fixing that crap. i still remember when things finally got good. it was such a relief. and ever since then i've been determined to keep it that way. not to go back to being a screw up and simmering in my own puddle of self-loathing.
its really unpleasant. its really a huge waste of time. quality of life minus self-loathing doesn't even compare. its infinitely better. and i flat out refuse to start up that shit again. i think i did it for long enough. ten years give or take.
so i'm going to have to overcome this screw up. or series of screw ups. and leave the spiral the fuck alone.
i feel like i spent enough time moping about my average abilities. i just have to work around it now. i'm just going to have push through on ambition alone.
maybe you start comparing yourself to people you used to look down on. maybe you start rethinking your goals. maybe you start aiming lower. maybe you start thinking you deserve less.
i hate the spiral. i hate the stream of screw ups. i screwed up for years before. it just wouldn't stop. i wouldn't let it stop. the more stupid things i did, the more i screwed up my life, the more i did it. maybe its that whole idea that you hit rock bottom before you get up. maybe its just a loss of hope, of confidence, of motivation. i don't know.
i've noticed lately when people come to me with their problems my immediate response is to offer solutions, to suggest things they can do to change their situation. and on that note, i read something about russian conversational traditions, and it was saying that lamentations are an art form practically, and definitely a more, its the way you talk to people. you have pissing contests as to whose life is more screwed up. and the author of that book was american and she tried to offer the lamenting russians solutions to their woes, and they just didn't want to hear it at all. they just wanted to lament.
maybe its an american thing of me to think of these solutions. but maybe it isn't. maybe its an aversion to the past. to the years of crap, to the years spent fixing that crap. i still remember when things finally got good. it was such a relief. and ever since then i've been determined to keep it that way. not to go back to being a screw up and simmering in my own puddle of self-loathing.
its really unpleasant. its really a huge waste of time. quality of life minus self-loathing doesn't even compare. its infinitely better. and i flat out refuse to start up that shit again. i think i did it for long enough. ten years give or take.
so i'm going to have to overcome this screw up. or series of screw ups. and leave the spiral the fuck alone.
i feel like i spent enough time moping about my average abilities. i just have to work around it now. i'm just going to have push through on ambition alone.