Arrrrgh!
I wanted to spend this summer getting research/job experience that might be useful in applying to grad school, learning random skills (like, say... how to cook, or how to juggle, or how to play To Zanarkand on the piano), and basically doing whatever the hell _I_ want. This is a brand new thing for me, and it gives me a whole world to explore.
And I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. The research is going well, I can do a three ball cascade, and only about half of my meals have been noodles or sandwiches. I've taken a lot of great walks around various parts of the city (One with Don, two with Winston, one with Andrew, two by myself), and I've found plenty of neat shops and events to keep me entertained. I've started reading again too, having finished Joyce's Dubliners and an introduction to Islam ("No God but God" by Reza Aslan) and now starting on Ulysses (Nikita made me do it =p, but it also seems like a fun book to attempt to read, even if I expect to fail.)
So why, if I'm actually having such a good time, am I so damn unhappy? I'm having a blast doing fun and interesting things most days, but the moment I stop, vague undercurrents of malaise show up. This is something that I've been dealing with for the past... I don't even know how long it has been at this point? I thought that it would go away now that I've been really enjoying myself, but somehow... it hasn't, and it's damn infuriating. How is it possible that I've spent the past year happier than I've ever been before, and yet I still feel shitty. Maybe even shittier than usual.
I know I'm being incredibly vague here, but this is actually just about the best that I can do at describing this problem. Bleh.
I do have one guess as to the cause. I don't have a real peer group, and I haven't had one for a long time. While I have enough friends to be happy, they're scattered all over the place. I don't have a pile of people that I can walk up to and just... enjoy myself with. All I have is individuals, and sometimes... recently more and more often... I get tired of those one-on-one conversations that I have championed for so long. I just want a pile of people to relax with. Where can I find it?
...of course, I could be completely wrong as to what causes this malaise. Who knows.
Oh, and just to clarify, while MC certainly satisfies the above criterion of having a peer-group for me, it's not a long term fix, and I'm not at all regretting not being at camp. I'm psyched as hell for MC '11, mind you (oh man am I psyched for it! I keep envisioning all of the campers that I'm going to punch in the face... I mean make really really happy.), but this is my year off. I'm not worrying about it, and I'm not missing it much. Camp is a wonderful place, still the best in the world, but I've been to four of them now. I have a pretty good idea of what would be going on if I were there. To quote Dave Savitt... "No two Mathcamps are ever the same, and in that regard, [MC '08] was no different."
And I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. The research is going well, I can do a three ball cascade, and only about half of my meals have been noodles or sandwiches. I've taken a lot of great walks around various parts of the city (One with Don, two with Winston, one with Andrew, two by myself), and I've found plenty of neat shops and events to keep me entertained. I've started reading again too, having finished Joyce's Dubliners and an introduction to Islam ("No God but God" by Reza Aslan) and now starting on Ulysses (Nikita made me do it =p, but it also seems like a fun book to attempt to read, even if I expect to fail.)
So why, if I'm actually having such a good time, am I so damn unhappy? I'm having a blast doing fun and interesting things most days, but the moment I stop, vague undercurrents of malaise show up. This is something that I've been dealing with for the past... I don't even know how long it has been at this point? I thought that it would go away now that I've been really enjoying myself, but somehow... it hasn't, and it's damn infuriating. How is it possible that I've spent the past year happier than I've ever been before, and yet I still feel shitty. Maybe even shittier than usual.
I know I'm being incredibly vague here, but this is actually just about the best that I can do at describing this problem. Bleh.
I do have one guess as to the cause. I don't have a real peer group, and I haven't had one for a long time. While I have enough friends to be happy, they're scattered all over the place. I don't have a pile of people that I can walk up to and just... enjoy myself with. All I have is individuals, and sometimes... recently more and more often... I get tired of those one-on-one conversations that I have championed for so long. I just want a pile of people to relax with. Where can I find it?
...of course, I could be completely wrong as to what causes this malaise. Who knows.
Oh, and just to clarify, while MC certainly satisfies the above criterion of having a peer-group for me, it's not a long term fix, and I'm not at all regretting not being at camp. I'm psyched as hell for MC '11, mind you (oh man am I psyched for it! I keep envisioning all of the campers that I'm going to punch in the face... I mean make really really happy.), but this is my year off. I'm not worrying about it, and I'm not missing it much. Camp is a wonderful place, still the best in the world, but I've been to four of them now. I have a pretty good idea of what would be going on if I were there. To quote Dave Savitt... "No two Mathcamps are ever the same, and in that regard, [MC '08] was no different."