Peace out, math
I think I'm going to switch my focus from math to computer science. I'll still go forward major in both math and CS -- I'm close enough to finishing the math major, and, after all, majoring in math is like having "smart" stamped on your forehead. Still, this quarter has undoubtedly pulled a number on me. I guess it can all boil down to one thing. I'm tired of being the worst of the best of the best. What's more, it's getting lonely over here.
I've been completely outclassed mathematically before, but there have always been other people of similar skill around that I've been able to work with and compete with. For some reason, all of those people seem to have vanished into thin air. When I go to math club meetings, I watch people do math. When I go to complex analysis, a wave of hopelessness washes over me (and yes, I have taken the advice that you all gave me. The trouble is that I have been burned out and tired and all of those fun things for the past few weeks, so I'm not working as hard as I used to be, negating much of the advantage that working in groups gave me for the last p-set). And when I'm in the dorm, well, I can talk to Harry, who is extraordinarily helpful but completely out of my league; I can talk to Peter, who is basically at my level, but is often deliberately unhelpful and pretends to know far more than he actually does; or I can talk to Winston, who is somewhat below my level and says that he wants to be good at math, but I really get the feeling that the spark just isn't there (mathy conversations and extracurriculars have failed spectacularly with him). In high school, there wasn't anyone to work with, but at least I was at the top. I could compete with myself and advance my abilities that way. Now, I feel like I'm in this null-space between gods and mortals, with no ladder to go up and every desire to go down.
Complex Analysis also isn't helping.
Maybe it'll come back someday. The feeling that I want to become an excellent mathematician. Maybe not. In any case, I'm not burned out anymore. I can do math without getting a massive mental block, and there have been a couple of problems that I've spent tons of extra time trying to solve, but I just don't care anymore.
Hrm. I've been posting really crummy, emo-entries this quarter. I'll need to start posting about dasies and unicorns next quarter to make up for all of the whining that I've been doing =p. I should also start responding to other people's journals again, and, you know, being a good person and all of that. Maybe I should stop calling myself a bad person too? That might make me a better person.
*yawn* Sleep time.
I've been completely outclassed mathematically before, but there have always been other people of similar skill around that I've been able to work with and compete with. For some reason, all of those people seem to have vanished into thin air. When I go to math club meetings, I watch people do math. When I go to complex analysis, a wave of hopelessness washes over me (and yes, I have taken the advice that you all gave me. The trouble is that I have been burned out and tired and all of those fun things for the past few weeks, so I'm not working as hard as I used to be, negating much of the advantage that working in groups gave me for the last p-set). And when I'm in the dorm, well, I can talk to Harry, who is extraordinarily helpful but completely out of my league; I can talk to Peter, who is basically at my level, but is often deliberately unhelpful and pretends to know far more than he actually does; or I can talk to Winston, who is somewhat below my level and says that he wants to be good at math, but I really get the feeling that the spark just isn't there (mathy conversations and extracurriculars have failed spectacularly with him). In high school, there wasn't anyone to work with, but at least I was at the top. I could compete with myself and advance my abilities that way. Now, I feel like I'm in this null-space between gods and mortals, with no ladder to go up and every desire to go down.
Complex Analysis also isn't helping.
Maybe it'll come back someday. The feeling that I want to become an excellent mathematician. Maybe not. In any case, I'm not burned out anymore. I can do math without getting a massive mental block, and there have been a couple of problems that I've spent tons of extra time trying to solve, but I just don't care anymore.
Hrm. I've been posting really crummy, emo-entries this quarter. I'll need to start posting about dasies and unicorns next quarter to make up for all of the whining that I've been doing =p. I should also start responding to other people's journals again, and, you know, being a good person and all of that. Maybe I should stop calling myself a bad person too? That might make me a better person.
*yawn* Sleep time.