A Year ago today....
It was a year ago today that Scott left me forever. I was sent on a mission to find out when I met a friend of mine today which required me to flip back through my DJ and find this entry that I made after Scott's funeral:
"I want all my friends to go to Indie Bar Sunday. I want to see everyone. We always plan to do things together, then something happens. Whether it's other plans emerging, we're too tired, no money, or some other mediocre excuse. We we put it off "until next time", but we never stop to think that there may not be a next time. I know I sure didn't. For the first time in my life, I felt regret. I didn't have time for Scott when he showed up at my place Thursday night. I was tired and I had to get up early to prepare for the hurricane (that ended up not even affecting me!). We sat and conversed briefly, then he was gone.
Forever.
Seeing him laid out in his coffin Thursday made me want to scream. All the sadness and anger-at myself as well as him-just churning up inside of me. It boils down to this:
We never have enough time.
I sit here reflecting on Scott's life. He was such a free spirit. (I often accused him of being flighty) He could be in Daytona, dancing a "thank you" to the sun as it rose this morn and by the evening be in New Orleans visiting old friends. I longed for a life like his. He was not tied down by his possessions, which is something I need to learn to overcome. He only worked to save up money so he could be off again on another adventure within a few weeks time. You never seen him without his backpack somewhere close by...the only real staple in his life. His pack was filled with pictures, a change of clothes, some books, and trinkets given to him by friends. The few things in life he couldn't live without.
Being at his wake was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. His angelic face had taken on a horrid blue tone. The whole time I was there saying my goodbyes, singing to his mother, conforting friends, that one thought continued to echo inside my head....
We never have enough time.
I went to Church at Cassadaga Sunday with Crystal and Candace. It was very comforting. It made me feel 110% better. Especially when a woman gave me a reading and told me that a "young man recently passed is pushing you to go on...you are still mourning when you should go on...he has his arms around you right now" I cried.
Scott has done things to let me know he is still around as well. He moves my clown pillow (he hates clowns) and last night, I felt something watching me and looked up to see a shimmer form at the foot of the bed. It was dancing. I know it was him. I watched it for a minute or two then smiled, told him I loved him, and turned on the light. I hope its bright where he is...he always loved the sun.
Scott did teach me one last lesson. It's actually several, but they all come down to just what I've been saying:
Make time & don't back out. This time could be the last. Visit your friends often.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
This still rings very true. And I, once again, want to see ALL MY FRIENDS AT INDEPENDENT BAR this Sunday. Be there.
"I want all my friends to go to Indie Bar Sunday. I want to see everyone. We always plan to do things together, then something happens. Whether it's other plans emerging, we're too tired, no money, or some other mediocre excuse. We we put it off "until next time", but we never stop to think that there may not be a next time. I know I sure didn't. For the first time in my life, I felt regret. I didn't have time for Scott when he showed up at my place Thursday night. I was tired and I had to get up early to prepare for the hurricane (that ended up not even affecting me!). We sat and conversed briefly, then he was gone.
Forever.
Seeing him laid out in his coffin Thursday made me want to scream. All the sadness and anger-at myself as well as him-just churning up inside of me. It boils down to this:
We never have enough time.
I sit here reflecting on Scott's life. He was such a free spirit. (I often accused him of being flighty) He could be in Daytona, dancing a "thank you" to the sun as it rose this morn and by the evening be in New Orleans visiting old friends. I longed for a life like his. He was not tied down by his possessions, which is something I need to learn to overcome. He only worked to save up money so he could be off again on another adventure within a few weeks time. You never seen him without his backpack somewhere close by...the only real staple in his life. His pack was filled with pictures, a change of clothes, some books, and trinkets given to him by friends. The few things in life he couldn't live without.
Being at his wake was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. His angelic face had taken on a horrid blue tone. The whole time I was there saying my goodbyes, singing to his mother, conforting friends, that one thought continued to echo inside my head....
We never have enough time.
I went to Church at Cassadaga Sunday with Crystal and Candace. It was very comforting. It made me feel 110% better. Especially when a woman gave me a reading and told me that a "young man recently passed is pushing you to go on...you are still mourning when you should go on...he has his arms around you right now" I cried.
Scott has done things to let me know he is still around as well. He moves my clown pillow (he hates clowns) and last night, I felt something watching me and looked up to see a shimmer form at the foot of the bed. It was dancing. I know it was him. I watched it for a minute or two then smiled, told him I loved him, and turned on the light. I hope its bright where he is...he always loved the sun.
Scott did teach me one last lesson. It's actually several, but they all come down to just what I've been saying:
Make time & don't back out. This time could be the last. Visit your friends often.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
This still rings very true. And I, once again, want to see ALL MY FRIENDS AT INDEPENDENT BAR this Sunday. Be there.