karma police found me....
its harder to start a sentence, when there is no beginning.
Fuck it all, and all things included.
Ive been sitting for hours, trying to get my hands on some sort of music. My temper is high, my mood is swinging, and i hate this. disgust is better of a word.
Im falling to a point of severe drowning. One which i know too well, and is no longer fun. These dramas have become so thick, that trying to explain them is meaningless and oh so pointless. But from all aspects, i must admit...the time is near.
When does responsibility take presence over having mental breakdowns? When do we learn to swallow everything and bottle it all in? Some reason the idea of sad seems out of the question, pretty much it seems as though i don't have time for that. Amazing, i beg to differ...i struggle each day wishing i could be numb, so convinced that i was, i realized its a temporary stun. How i wish that i was numb to all, meaning no idea that i was numb.
I was driving home, and i turned the corner, on the side of the road is a church, and a graveyard, late at night i saw a family with gleaming eyes. The deer sat there, eating the grass from the graveyard, as i slowed down to watch this family eat grass of dead people, i realized eventually this grass...turns to shit. Dissolving into the ground...all to start over. Eventually we all just turn to shit. Made me ponder why i am here, why am i going through shit? What is holding me back from reaching a point of going totally chaotic. I sit here silent. I am quiet, and i am not screaming...why aren't i screaming? Why do i go to work? If all i am to be is deer shit...why am i not having fun? Why do i worry about tomorrow and trying to adjust my actions accordingly? Why?
I wish i was insane...i wish i could let my dreams be my life...rather than waking up...and realizing i am to go to a place id rather not be for eight hours, so i can buy things that bind me to that place longer. I wish i could break free and live humbly under a bridge taking in the world with two small eyes. I wish i could explain nothing but be the most wise person in the world. I wish i could cope with the fact i was not born into a life of such riches...i was born into a life of do do do...when i can't help but ask why? though the answers rarely get answered, i keep asking, as if someone will discover the answer to an unasked question...rarely do i get the feeling ive made sense...
When my thoughts start to wander, something in me snaps me back, not letting me go anymore. As if i was once in touch with a beautiful part of myself, which can never be touch...am i jaded? Am i meant to never see that world again? I miss that place, dark full of craziness that could never be touched, and i fear..relived. Im stuck in a memory that i can never see again...
Somtimes i long for those days...where i used to just drive watch people sit in traffic, all having somewhere to go...while i had nothing...appreciating the slowness that life was screaming at us. All rushing, and waiting, hoping for something better...we sat and we waitied, watching the incredible sunset in front of us, i looked around...sadly enough...no one noticed. No one noticed the screaming of beauty in their face. All too panicked about making it nowhere in time. And with hundreds of people around, i watched the sunset that no one saw. Doesnt it make you sad to think...when the sign so obvious to slow down, keeps us moving fast. As twilight hits...the stars creep out...when you like awake at night, and all we do is shut our eyes, preparing the miss the beauty of even the next day. This is why i wish to not have a purpose, i just wish that i could linger around and watch what others miss. this is why i wish not to have a schedule, because my mind is fickle. this is why i wish the world would see why we are slowly drowning...we forgot to keep our heads up...we seem to move faster when we watch our feet. we would then see...just maybe...we all turn to shit.
I remember the best days of my life were sitting in my room in san diego, with my computer, typing like a mad man of all thoughts that would haunt me, thoughts that would drive me into an utter state of madness. How i long for the disease that plagued me for months, that became my tall tale of growing older. How i long for the youngness that i fear i can no longer cope with, or understand. How weak i feel, not being able to go back to those days of finding themselves. Ive realized, you never find yourself, you aren't suppose to...but then what is the meaning of soul searching? What is the meaning of thinking? What is the meaning? Is enlightenment the meaning of life? Overcoming strong obstacles? Having your mind stripped from you, and belonging to a secret life that we are not capable of handling? I long to sit and ponder the universe.
Ugh i need to roll....i need to feel the warmth of my unconsious happiness....
Well...im done with my strange ass thoughts i guess...i dunno. I feel like there should be more coming out of me, but what it is...no idea. Im clueless as to why my thoughts have betrayed me...but i am drained from trying to resort back to the old me...guess im stuck here permanently.
i think i started this entry with fuck.
damn right.
tam
Fuck it all, and all things included.
Ive been sitting for hours, trying to get my hands on some sort of music. My temper is high, my mood is swinging, and i hate this. disgust is better of a word.
Im falling to a point of severe drowning. One which i know too well, and is no longer fun. These dramas have become so thick, that trying to explain them is meaningless and oh so pointless. But from all aspects, i must admit...the time is near.
When does responsibility take presence over having mental breakdowns? When do we learn to swallow everything and bottle it all in? Some reason the idea of sad seems out of the question, pretty much it seems as though i don't have time for that. Amazing, i beg to differ...i struggle each day wishing i could be numb, so convinced that i was, i realized its a temporary stun. How i wish that i was numb to all, meaning no idea that i was numb.
I was driving home, and i turned the corner, on the side of the road is a church, and a graveyard, late at night i saw a family with gleaming eyes. The deer sat there, eating the grass from the graveyard, as i slowed down to watch this family eat grass of dead people, i realized eventually this grass...turns to shit. Dissolving into the ground...all to start over. Eventually we all just turn to shit. Made me ponder why i am here, why am i going through shit? What is holding me back from reaching a point of going totally chaotic. I sit here silent. I am quiet, and i am not screaming...why aren't i screaming? Why do i go to work? If all i am to be is deer shit...why am i not having fun? Why do i worry about tomorrow and trying to adjust my actions accordingly? Why?
I wish i was insane...i wish i could let my dreams be my life...rather than waking up...and realizing i am to go to a place id rather not be for eight hours, so i can buy things that bind me to that place longer. I wish i could break free and live humbly under a bridge taking in the world with two small eyes. I wish i could explain nothing but be the most wise person in the world. I wish i could cope with the fact i was not born into a life of such riches...i was born into a life of do do do...when i can't help but ask why? though the answers rarely get answered, i keep asking, as if someone will discover the answer to an unasked question...rarely do i get the feeling ive made sense...
When my thoughts start to wander, something in me snaps me back, not letting me go anymore. As if i was once in touch with a beautiful part of myself, which can never be touch...am i jaded? Am i meant to never see that world again? I miss that place, dark full of craziness that could never be touched, and i fear..relived. Im stuck in a memory that i can never see again...
Somtimes i long for those days...where i used to just drive watch people sit in traffic, all having somewhere to go...while i had nothing...appreciating the slowness that life was screaming at us. All rushing, and waiting, hoping for something better...we sat and we waitied, watching the incredible sunset in front of us, i looked around...sadly enough...no one noticed. No one noticed the screaming of beauty in their face. All too panicked about making it nowhere in time. And with hundreds of people around, i watched the sunset that no one saw. Doesnt it make you sad to think...when the sign so obvious to slow down, keeps us moving fast. As twilight hits...the stars creep out...when you like awake at night, and all we do is shut our eyes, preparing the miss the beauty of even the next day. This is why i wish to not have a purpose, i just wish that i could linger around and watch what others miss. this is why i wish not to have a schedule, because my mind is fickle. this is why i wish the world would see why we are slowly drowning...we forgot to keep our heads up...we seem to move faster when we watch our feet. we would then see...just maybe...we all turn to shit.
I remember the best days of my life were sitting in my room in san diego, with my computer, typing like a mad man of all thoughts that would haunt me, thoughts that would drive me into an utter state of madness. How i long for the disease that plagued me for months, that became my tall tale of growing older. How i long for the youngness that i fear i can no longer cope with, or understand. How weak i feel, not being able to go back to those days of finding themselves. Ive realized, you never find yourself, you aren't suppose to...but then what is the meaning of soul searching? What is the meaning of thinking? What is the meaning? Is enlightenment the meaning of life? Overcoming strong obstacles? Having your mind stripped from you, and belonging to a secret life that we are not capable of handling? I long to sit and ponder the universe.
Ugh i need to roll....i need to feel the warmth of my unconsious happiness....
Well...im done with my strange ass thoughts i guess...i dunno. I feel like there should be more coming out of me, but what it is...no idea. Im clueless as to why my thoughts have betrayed me...but i am drained from trying to resort back to the old me...guess im stuck here permanently.
i think i started this entry with fuck.
damn right.
tam