i love the way you light one up and turn your back to me, like you have a secret.
as of an hour ago, my anxiety level was huge. i'm talking september eleventh, huge. all because my mom came to pick me up. just the feeling of he ron my turf, made my stomach hurt. and my head was hot just imagining the long cigarette free car ride home doen route 4. but luckily, all of my shit that i packed and me would not fit. so erika said it'd be "ok" if i went home with her. my grammy likes erika a lot. she rememberd her name after only meeting her once. she smiled and was introduced to ashley. i think both my ma and gram like both ashley and erika a lot. maybe more than most of my friends in the past. which helped reduce my anxiety whilst erika packed my mom's car with her.
so these days. i've learned a lot from myself and from erika. no more binge drinking. no more suicide attempts. less cutting. more smiling. occasional kissing, and an increase on smoking because i sold my books back to the school and have some cash. brilliant. i've also learned the art of silence. and for those who know me well, you'd understand how hard of a challenge that is for me. for instance, when sitting in silence, i can only last so long before i feel the need to say something. anything. when in my dorm room, in silence, i immediately pop in a film, or put on some music, or phone someone. i needed noise. but there was this moment in the dark last night, when she had fallen asleep and both ashley's and erika's breathing was insync, i heard only the ticking of the clock on the wall. just breath, and time. and i didnt say a word. or make a sound, or move a muscle. because it's about self discipline. and it was gorgeous.
so last night, or tonight, might very well be my last night here in farmington as a resident/student. but i guess i won't know until jan 10th or 11th. thats when my appeal will be. where i stand before perfect strangers and ask them for another chance. explain to them that i made poor choices, and set unstable habits and rationalized excuses for that behavior. it's all up in the air. i told my mom about it finally the other day. and to my surprise her reaction was, "it's not the end of the world. you'll pick yourself up again." my father's reaction will be a bit different guarenteed. my mom was the one who said it. but she also said she'd take care of that.
so, now i'm sitting at erika's desk and ashley is feeling dizzy and she has the sniffles. erika will be back from returning books shortly. i think i want another cigarillo. because i love smoking. and i don't care how disgusting people think it is. i love it. it makes me happy. and who knows if someday all the smoking will catch up to me. today is today. and that's all there is to it.
in other news: emily is fucking cute. and she has a lovely bum. and i like it a lot. "that frock looks lovely on your body...."
so these days. i've learned a lot from myself and from erika. no more binge drinking. no more suicide attempts. less cutting. more smiling. occasional kissing, and an increase on smoking because i sold my books back to the school and have some cash. brilliant. i've also learned the art of silence. and for those who know me well, you'd understand how hard of a challenge that is for me. for instance, when sitting in silence, i can only last so long before i feel the need to say something. anything. when in my dorm room, in silence, i immediately pop in a film, or put on some music, or phone someone. i needed noise. but there was this moment in the dark last night, when she had fallen asleep and both ashley's and erika's breathing was insync, i heard only the ticking of the clock on the wall. just breath, and time. and i didnt say a word. or make a sound, or move a muscle. because it's about self discipline. and it was gorgeous.
so last night, or tonight, might very well be my last night here in farmington as a resident/student. but i guess i won't know until jan 10th or 11th. thats when my appeal will be. where i stand before perfect strangers and ask them for another chance. explain to them that i made poor choices, and set unstable habits and rationalized excuses for that behavior. it's all up in the air. i told my mom about it finally the other day. and to my surprise her reaction was, "it's not the end of the world. you'll pick yourself up again." my father's reaction will be a bit different guarenteed. my mom was the one who said it. but she also said she'd take care of that.
so, now i'm sitting at erika's desk and ashley is feeling dizzy and she has the sniffles. erika will be back from returning books shortly. i think i want another cigarillo. because i love smoking. and i don't care how disgusting people think it is. i love it. it makes me happy. and who knows if someday all the smoking will catch up to me. today is today. and that's all there is to it.
in other news: emily is fucking cute. and she has a lovely bum. and i like it a lot. "that frock looks lovely on your body...."