(no subject)
this entry has to been writen. there are certain things that, at this particular moment, i need to say. I wander through my life, constantly thinking, wondering, questioning. whether it be things about myself, the world around me, or what other people are thinking. And so far, through my almost 19 years on this earth the only answer i have been able to come up with is, 'i have no fucking idea.' I'm not saying that I don't know anything at all. Simply that when you think you know something, most of the time you don't. When you really stop and think about it, nothing is life is really guaranteed or definate.
This afternoon I sat in my room and I cried, as I do quite often, actually. I try so hard to be nice, and to do what is asked of me. But doing the best I can, just doesnt seem to cut it. I just don't seem to be good enough, nor do I believe I ever will. What is it honestly going to take? I admit that I have faults, as we all do. I wish other people would admit the same. No one can be perfect all the time.
That's the thing though, I'm not trying to be perfect. I never was trying. I just do the best that I can, and hope it's somehow enough for her. But anything less than perfection isnt. I have to ask myself, how much longer I can live like this? How much longer am I going to be able to take this?
I sit here and cry because I do one tiny, insignificant, little thing wrong, and suddenly I am the worst "child" there ever was. I'm not a child, I am a woman, and adult. I don't know why I put up with it. But I guess there really isn't any other options. So I am stuck. Wonderful.
I cry because, I am 3000 miles away from the only person who ever took the time to find out who I really am, and love me unconditionally for it anyways. The only person who knows what's going on deep inside my thoughts. The only person that I have ever truly loved with all my heart. The person that I could spend everyday with, and each of those days, would be the best day of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not ever alone. I know he's always with me. But there are just some moments, like this one in particular, where I feel alone. I miss him so much it hurts, and I dont know that anyone, other than him, could possibly understand that pain I feel.
They went away for the weekend, leaving me here alone.
There was a pan in the sink, which I had just used, left in there when she got home.
I am an awful person for NEVER cleaning up my mess.
& I am a poor excuse for a human being, and a disgrace to my family.
End of Story.
This afternoon I sat in my room and I cried, as I do quite often, actually. I try so hard to be nice, and to do what is asked of me. But doing the best I can, just doesnt seem to cut it. I just don't seem to be good enough, nor do I believe I ever will. What is it honestly going to take? I admit that I have faults, as we all do. I wish other people would admit the same. No one can be perfect all the time.
That's the thing though, I'm not trying to be perfect. I never was trying. I just do the best that I can, and hope it's somehow enough for her. But anything less than perfection isnt. I have to ask myself, how much longer I can live like this? How much longer am I going to be able to take this?
I sit here and cry because I do one tiny, insignificant, little thing wrong, and suddenly I am the worst "child" there ever was. I'm not a child, I am a woman, and adult. I don't know why I put up with it. But I guess there really isn't any other options. So I am stuck. Wonderful.
I cry because, I am 3000 miles away from the only person who ever took the time to find out who I really am, and love me unconditionally for it anyways. The only person who knows what's going on deep inside my thoughts. The only person that I have ever truly loved with all my heart. The person that I could spend everyday with, and each of those days, would be the best day of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not ever alone. I know he's always with me. But there are just some moments, like this one in particular, where I feel alone. I miss him so much it hurts, and I dont know that anyone, other than him, could possibly understand that pain I feel.
They went away for the weekend, leaving me here alone.
There was a pan in the sink, which I had just used, left in there when she got home.
I am an awful person for NEVER cleaning up my mess.
& I am a poor excuse for a human being, and a disgrace to my family.
End of Story.