welcome back
i deleted my lj account a while back because looking through the old entries i realize that i really had fallen out of many of the things i used to write. also since my old username was the one i used everywhere online, and the online community had become so close-knit, i felt that i needed to get rid of my affiliation to it. i went to wordpress for awhile and did some blogging in an attempt to create an impersonal journal about the spiritual journey, but there was something not quite authentic about it. my roots are here, blogging about my life personally, so i think i will return to that. i think it will be a good practice to journal about my life because i've never really taken to doing that. i would often find myself judging what i write, and so often i would only write during times of doubt, and often never about what was really going on in my life: just whatever nonsense was going on in my head. but as i become more aware i'm feeling more able to put my story out there. but i'm not going to backtrack just now, instead i'll start with where i am.
i find myself in my accommodations at the sivananda ashram on paradise island, near nassau, new providence, the bahamas. it's 40 minutes until satsang and it'll be my fourteenth since arriving here a week ago. every day there are two, one at 6am and one at 8pm. they are an hour and a half each. i'm here doing a 3 month yoga retreat with my girlfriend marie. every day is long and imbued with purpose, practice, and awareness. i'm learning lots of asanas and some pranayama techniques, as well as many beautiful chants in sanskrit. i am feeling like i am opening so much, and healing so much, and that lots of things are coming up and have yet to come up in my emotional and physical body. spiritually i'm feeling incredible.
this summer at the oasis farm, back home in nova scotia was a really interesting experience. the vision that my community had of en eco-village on this land was a total bust, because, i think, the man who owned the land did not have the virtues necessary to be inclusive and accepting of people and all our beautiful differences. for him, production was the most important think, and if you weren't producing you did not have as much worth. why did i stay there? my connection to the land there was profound. it was eden. we were growing our vegetables and eating almost exclusively from the garden for each meal every day. going to sleep at night it was silent, only wind, and animals. i was surrounded by forest in my little trailer. but after 4 months the pressure, the judgment, the fear, and the patriarchy became way too painful for my soul. this eden was completely toxic.
having left i can ponder what i've learned by putting myself in that situation. in pain there is a lesson, and in bliss there is the integration of those lessons. this is one of the universal waves that i've experienced all my life. in addition to what i've learned about gardening, permaculture, cooking and fermentation, i've gained a very clear understanding of how to listen to the heart and what it says about peoples' energy. i can recognize domineering energy really easily now, and see that it is coming from a painful place from within the person. sometimes we appear in peoples' lives in order to help heal them, and if this is so we do it simply by being present in their lives. but i feel that i have a clearer discernment of when this happens, and when it is merely a toxic situation that i must remove from my life. i've also learned some do's and do-not's about community building. there really needs to be room for people to feel comfortable, like the community is their home. at this farm this feeling was really put down, and there was constant pressure to be moving and producing and being "useful," (instead of just being?)
for me i need to be honoured for my pure being, because i honour people for their's. wise folk have told me to be a human being, not a human doing (because, they explain, you just end up with doo-doo.) but my connection to the land was profound and i had faith that a community could be formed there. when my beautiful mate, marie came into the picture, and showed me that learning does not need to be painful for the emotional body, and that the place really was toxic enough that it was time to move on, i found myself on a bus traveling 42 hours south through the united states to this ashram in the jungle.
it's amazing how energizing positive energy can be. i am working easily as hard as i was at the farm, physically. actually i wake up much earlier. i wake up thinking, "what a beautiful day to wake up to." isn't that right? it's so much better than, "i wonder what shit i'm going to hear today. i better man up so i can bear a barrage of emotional negativity." no it was not all bad. i had so much fun. but it counts for nothing when it's as precarious as it was. conditional love is no love at all.
the fifteen minute bell has rung for satsang so i will wrap this up. thank you for reading. comments and questions are welcome. hopefully i can make some friends on here! i miss the online community. facebook is, well, a different sort.
i find myself in my accommodations at the sivananda ashram on paradise island, near nassau, new providence, the bahamas. it's 40 minutes until satsang and it'll be my fourteenth since arriving here a week ago. every day there are two, one at 6am and one at 8pm. they are an hour and a half each. i'm here doing a 3 month yoga retreat with my girlfriend marie. every day is long and imbued with purpose, practice, and awareness. i'm learning lots of asanas and some pranayama techniques, as well as many beautiful chants in sanskrit. i am feeling like i am opening so much, and healing so much, and that lots of things are coming up and have yet to come up in my emotional and physical body. spiritually i'm feeling incredible.
this summer at the oasis farm, back home in nova scotia was a really interesting experience. the vision that my community had of en eco-village on this land was a total bust, because, i think, the man who owned the land did not have the virtues necessary to be inclusive and accepting of people and all our beautiful differences. for him, production was the most important think, and if you weren't producing you did not have as much worth. why did i stay there? my connection to the land there was profound. it was eden. we were growing our vegetables and eating almost exclusively from the garden for each meal every day. going to sleep at night it was silent, only wind, and animals. i was surrounded by forest in my little trailer. but after 4 months the pressure, the judgment, the fear, and the patriarchy became way too painful for my soul. this eden was completely toxic.
having left i can ponder what i've learned by putting myself in that situation. in pain there is a lesson, and in bliss there is the integration of those lessons. this is one of the universal waves that i've experienced all my life. in addition to what i've learned about gardening, permaculture, cooking and fermentation, i've gained a very clear understanding of how to listen to the heart and what it says about peoples' energy. i can recognize domineering energy really easily now, and see that it is coming from a painful place from within the person. sometimes we appear in peoples' lives in order to help heal them, and if this is so we do it simply by being present in their lives. but i feel that i have a clearer discernment of when this happens, and when it is merely a toxic situation that i must remove from my life. i've also learned some do's and do-not's about community building. there really needs to be room for people to feel comfortable, like the community is their home. at this farm this feeling was really put down, and there was constant pressure to be moving and producing and being "useful," (instead of just being?)
for me i need to be honoured for my pure being, because i honour people for their's. wise folk have told me to be a human being, not a human doing (because, they explain, you just end up with doo-doo.) but my connection to the land was profound and i had faith that a community could be formed there. when my beautiful mate, marie came into the picture, and showed me that learning does not need to be painful for the emotional body, and that the place really was toxic enough that it was time to move on, i found myself on a bus traveling 42 hours south through the united states to this ashram in the jungle.
it's amazing how energizing positive energy can be. i am working easily as hard as i was at the farm, physically. actually i wake up much earlier. i wake up thinking, "what a beautiful day to wake up to." isn't that right? it's so much better than, "i wonder what shit i'm going to hear today. i better man up so i can bear a barrage of emotional negativity." no it was not all bad. i had so much fun. but it counts for nothing when it's as precarious as it was. conditional love is no love at all.
the fifteen minute bell has rung for satsang so i will wrap this up. thank you for reading. comments and questions are welcome. hopefully i can make some friends on here! i miss the online community. facebook is, well, a different sort.