i get letters!

[exxon]

well today i got letters from my sister in rehab and my sister in NC. and i got on from my brother in NC they live with my dad soo i dont see them at all. and like i wanna write to them and tell them all this stuff but i just cant. i know that my dad would read the letters and than what ever i say would come up in my face in the long run. soo i just cant. and i hate my dad. it is a long as story but to make it short i was born he left like 2 months later and now all of a sudden he trys to be in my life and trys to be a dad. but he has been gone way to long now to try and be my father it just wont happen like that. i have to much hostility towards him and it just wont go away. i mean for crying out loud he doesnt even know when i was born i never got christmas cards i never got birthday cards. im the one that never got anything. oh but wait my sister did. she is the one that got everything like always. she was the special one she got it all. all the attention, all the gifts, everything. i never got nuthin i spent 8 years being the 3rd wheel and i am just sick of it and i think that is why i have apathy towards her. i dont care what she does anymore. yes i love my sister but what he does doesnt phase me one bit. i just dont care anymore. but am i supposed to. well i hope not cuz i dont not anymore at least. but yeah my sister is coming home for christmas which is good i guess. i kinda didnt want her too but it saves my mom and trip that she doesnt have to take. soo that is kool. but like she was talking to amanda on the phone and she is worried about coming home cuz she has gained soo much weight. which im glad she did. and like she doesnt wanna be made fun of by jon cuz jon is comedian of the family but he doesnt know when to stop. so yeah but she is going to get made fun of my me cuz for soo many years she has called me fat ugly etc.etc. soo now it is her turn. no im not going to be all mean about it. now that would just be mean but she is going to get something. and like i really hope mom doesnt expect me to talk to her. it is just going to be like what it was like before. i will talk to when i have to but if i dont it is going to quiet. cuz i know if i would start to talk to her i will start and argument. and i would just ruin her christmas, but yeah. umm but enough about me family.
i really have to stop opening my mouth about shit i dont know. i talk about what i hear and that makes people made. yeah i know i made a mistake by writin in this freakin live journal but only two people read this. soo seriously the people that do read my live journal need to just back off. well mainly one! for some reason im not in the mood to deal with people. it is like ever since i woke up from my nap i have just been sitting here thinking about shit. well how more people that i love are always mean to me. how come i cant find someone that actually wont dick me over. like im really tired of being dicked over by everyone that i know and like. i think about things like that when no one else is there. i just sit here and ponder about shit. i think that might actually be bad for my health. humm i wonder? is it? like to much it might like kill brain cells and make you stupider oh wait i cant get any stupider than i already am. sooo yeah. my mom just called me and was like i have been waiting for you call and i was like i didnt go to school i thought you knew that.. and she hung up the phone. omg i am about to cry and i have no idea why? grrr well im gonna go cuz i cant see the key board cuz of my fucking tears... bye