(no subject)
So here's the story. I'm graduating on Saturday. Pretty exciting eh?
Truth is...I'm a nervous fuck. I don't really know why. I try not to show it when I get nervous or anything. Obviously I fail. I hated high school. I hated the teachers, the students, the peers, the lunch ladies, the janitors, the building, the books, the attitude, the smell, the droning, eveery day existence.
I hated all the stages I went through in High School. A slut, a bitch, a tom boy, a sports freak, a fatty, a suicidal maniac, and just a plain old fucker.
I hated it. And if any of you know me at all...you all know this. Then why am I sad? Why am I scared? I guess there is a certain security about doing the same old thing every day. And yet I haven't even been to school since April due to this internship. I've already had a taste of something else. Going to FNX feels like I'm just going to work every day. It feels like I'm not 17... EVeryone there is in college and yet I feel like I'm even older than them. It's not that I'm arrogant...it's just that I don't really feel that school, whether high school or university level, is all that necessary.
I want to be on the radio. As of now I'm on my way. I don't even need a college degree. Of course it would help and I might need to take courses somewhere down the line. But why spend the 20,000 dollars a year on an education I'm not even sure of? I just...don't think college is really for me.
Irregardless I will go. I will probably like it. I will forget that I ever even questioned not going.
This past year I felt like a ghost. I felt like I was watching my body go through the motions of life. Except they weren't normal motions. Whether it was watching me pop pills...staring at rasors...punching walls...crying until it hurt. It doesn't even feel like that was my life. It feels like it was one long...never ending movie. Somewhat like the Lord of the Rings. Or watching all of the Rockie movies in succession.
At this point in time. I don't think I hate life. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. but everyone goes through that. SHit sux sometimes. But I'll get over it. We all technically will. At the end of each day, the only thing a person realises is that you can't be depressed forever. Even that is depressing. YOu realise that, something is always gonna be there to make you laugh or smile. You can't even go a day without laughing or smiling, no matter how fucked up you are.
I've learned some other things this year:
-Gossip is the worst thing. It hurts people. Hopefully it will die after high school.
-The individual is the most important thing in the world. You have to make yourself happy first. Even if it sometimes is at the cost of others.
-Friends need to be there for guidance. not to push...probe...or make feel like shit. You can do whatever you want with the guidance they give you. Take it and use it, or throw it out the window.
-True friends are going to be there for you no matter what. no matter how bad you mess up...they will still love you.
-Family will be there forever. They are the closest thing to being concrete in life. If your honest with your family, you tend to be honest with yourself.
-No one will ever 'find themselves'... but will probably come close some day. The mystery of humans is that no one really knows anything. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, and how you lead your life...you're as close to finding yourself as it comes.
-Everything matters...and yet nothing does
-Life is confusing...but I've known this since I was born.
With this livejournal I am closing a chapter of my life. Corny? Yes. So this will be the last entry I have in Extremedidi's hippie tales. Thanks for reading along guys.
New Sn: d1anam0rgan
Truth is...I'm a nervous fuck. I don't really know why. I try not to show it when I get nervous or anything. Obviously I fail. I hated high school. I hated the teachers, the students, the peers, the lunch ladies, the janitors, the building, the books, the attitude, the smell, the droning, eveery day existence.
I hated all the stages I went through in High School. A slut, a bitch, a tom boy, a sports freak, a fatty, a suicidal maniac, and just a plain old fucker.
I hated it. And if any of you know me at all...you all know this. Then why am I sad? Why am I scared? I guess there is a certain security about doing the same old thing every day. And yet I haven't even been to school since April due to this internship. I've already had a taste of something else. Going to FNX feels like I'm just going to work every day. It feels like I'm not 17... EVeryone there is in college and yet I feel like I'm even older than them. It's not that I'm arrogant...it's just that I don't really feel that school, whether high school or university level, is all that necessary.
I want to be on the radio. As of now I'm on my way. I don't even need a college degree. Of course it would help and I might need to take courses somewhere down the line. But why spend the 20,000 dollars a year on an education I'm not even sure of? I just...don't think college is really for me.
Irregardless I will go. I will probably like it. I will forget that I ever even questioned not going.
This past year I felt like a ghost. I felt like I was watching my body go through the motions of life. Except they weren't normal motions. Whether it was watching me pop pills...staring at rasors...punching walls...crying until it hurt. It doesn't even feel like that was my life. It feels like it was one long...never ending movie. Somewhat like the Lord of the Rings. Or watching all of the Rockie movies in succession.
At this point in time. I don't think I hate life. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. but everyone goes through that. SHit sux sometimes. But I'll get over it. We all technically will. At the end of each day, the only thing a person realises is that you can't be depressed forever. Even that is depressing. YOu realise that, something is always gonna be there to make you laugh or smile. You can't even go a day without laughing or smiling, no matter how fucked up you are.
I've learned some other things this year:
-Gossip is the worst thing. It hurts people. Hopefully it will die after high school.
-The individual is the most important thing in the world. You have to make yourself happy first. Even if it sometimes is at the cost of others.
-Friends need to be there for guidance. not to push...probe...or make feel like shit. You can do whatever you want with the guidance they give you. Take it and use it, or throw it out the window.
-True friends are going to be there for you no matter what. no matter how bad you mess up...they will still love you.
-Family will be there forever. They are the closest thing to being concrete in life. If your honest with your family, you tend to be honest with yourself.
-No one will ever 'find themselves'... but will probably come close some day. The mystery of humans is that no one really knows anything. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, and how you lead your life...you're as close to finding yourself as it comes.
-Everything matters...and yet nothing does
-Life is confusing...but I've known this since I was born.
With this livejournal I am closing a chapter of my life. Corny? Yes. So this will be the last entry I have in Extremedidi's hippie tales. Thanks for reading along guys.
New Sn: d1anam0rgan