sunday funnies
i don't need the sunday comics,
today was filled with punchlines!!!
dani: those are some short shorts
me: not uh
dani: yes huh
me: they're not that short
dani: yes they are
me: they're fine
dani: dad, are these shorts too short?
dad: no
dani: what?! you would never let me wear those
dad: there's nothing wrong with them
me: i bought them at charlotte russe, they sell skankier ones there.
dani: there's like a 2 inch in-seam, if that
dad: yeah, but she didn't put it there, she bought it that way
me: they just look short cuz i have long legs
dani: mom, are these too short?
mom: no
dani: you guys would NEVER let me wear those
me: told you they were fine
dani: put you're hands by your sides
me: this isn't high school
(dani gives me these funny ridiculous pair of sunglasses)
me: oh man! i just got total inspiration for a halloween costume.
dad: a superhero?
me: ooooooh yeah
mom: super slut
me: that's not a superhero!
dani: i like how you say it's not a superhero, but you don't deny the slut
me: i'm not one of those either
went to the padre game!
woooooooooo!
and all the marines were there in uniform
i was in heeeeeeeeeeeeaven!
me: i want that one
dani: no
me: and that one
dani: no
me: oh and that one
dani: hands off
me: can i go ask mr funny hat man if i can have them?
dani: you mean the drill instructor?
shawn: the smokey
me: smokey? as in smokey the bear?
shawn: yeah
me: i LOVE smokey the bear
shawn: that's nice
dani: no you don't understand, she would have sex with someone in a smokey the bear costume
me: don't think we'd both fit.
(hysterical laughter from everyone)
me: oh... you meant the person... not inside the costume
shawn: how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
me: flies don't replace lightbulbs
shawn: you're right. everyone is trying to figure out how they got into the lightbulb
me: ooooooh, you meant how many flies have sex in lightbulbs
shawn: yeah
me: well wouldn't it be 2.
shawn: sure
dani: luci
me: oooooooooooh how did the flies get into the lightbulb... ok i get it
(about the marines)
me: can i just borrow one of them and show them how much i appreciate what they're doing for our country?
dani: no
me: but i'm a good citizen, i support our troops
dani: there are other ways to show it
dani: is it bad that when you say "he'd be more fun" i think "he'd be more fun in bed"
me: he's not a chinese fortune cookie
(went and talk to the smokies, aka the drill sergeants for the marines)
me: ok i have a very important question for you
smokey 1: ok
me: alright, you might think i'm joking, but i'm actually being dead serious about this.
smokey 1: alright.
me: ok. what do i do if i want one of these for christmas?
smokey 1: what?
me: if i want to get one of these christmas, what do i have to do?
smokey 1: ask him (walks me over to the other smokey) ask this guy
me: i want one of these christmas what do i have to do?
smokey 2: you want one of THESE guys?
me: well only some of them, i've seen a few i like, cuz santa can bring me all of you
(2 other smokies come over and listen to this conversation with lots of laughter)
smokey 2: only a few?
me: well i figure if i put 5 of them on my list to santa, there's a chance i'll get at least 1, cuz santa never brings all the things on your list.
smokey 3: good point.
smokey 2: october 5th.
me: what about october 5th?
smokey 1: graduation
smokey 2: come down to graduation and you can have whichever one of these boys you want
smokey 3: several even
me: i don't have to wait until christmas?
smokey 2: nope. graduation, come down to the school.
me: i don't what school.
smokey 2: mcrd
me: oh you bet! i've been hanging around navy men, i figure it might be time for a switch
smokey 4: good girl.
smokey 3: girl's got good taste.
smokey 2: navy men?
me: it's what santa brought me last year
(laughter as i walk away)
smokey 2: we'll see you october 5th!
dani: he's mr crabby pants
me: he's got crabs in his pants?
me: i want crabs on my plate, not on my vagina
dani: what about boys
me: well i don't want boys on my plate
(laughter)
me: oh... i get it
me: wait... i dated a mexican, good thing i never ordered a crab taco
me: you're in the reserves, that's diet
dani: he's diet everything
dani: super skank
me: it's super slut
dani: yeah... cuz that's so much better
(about the marines)
shawn: you do realize that they haven't had a proper shower in about 2.5 months?
me: and you think what i have planned is gonna be clean?
dani: wait, i need something hard to right on
me: here's this (hands over wallet)
dani: this is gonna be hard
me: well actually it's gonna be soft, but so is usually shawn
me: i'm not as bad as they make me sound
dani: you're right, you're worse.
(singing take me out to the ballgame)
me: buy me some penis and crack... whoa what?!?!
dani: did you just say "buy me some penis and crack"?
me: that's what it sounded like
(about the marines again, dani dragging me away from them)
dani: no.
me: c'mon, it's like putting a 4 year old in a candy store and telling them to not eat
dani: no, a 4 year old has more restraint
dani: what do you want to eat?
me: something on the go, cheap, and easy.... and not a hooker
dani: so what? you gonna eat yourself?
adam: so all the top positions are there, and then they're distributed high to low.
me: are you talking about sexual positions?
shawn: actually we were talking about business
me: then why did it sound so dirty?
shawn: cuz it's you
(about the marines again)
shawn: just take one of them into the bathroom stall.
me: but people would see.
shawn: y'know they're still on the buddy system.
me: what does that mean?
shawn: it's keep them from getting in trouble, when they get sent to iraq they won't be alone and wonder off and get beheaded on national television
me: i know what a buddy system is, i was just wondering why they have it here.
shawn: well since they're not allowed to be alone, it means if you one into the bathroom stall, the other one has to go to.
dani: don't give her ideas.
today was filled with punchlines!!!
dani: those are some short shorts
me: not uh
dani: yes huh
me: they're not that short
dani: yes they are
me: they're fine
dani: dad, are these shorts too short?
dad: no
dani: what?! you would never let me wear those
dad: there's nothing wrong with them
me: i bought them at charlotte russe, they sell skankier ones there.
dani: there's like a 2 inch in-seam, if that
dad: yeah, but she didn't put it there, she bought it that way
me: they just look short cuz i have long legs
dani: mom, are these too short?
mom: no
dani: you guys would NEVER let me wear those
me: told you they were fine
dani: put you're hands by your sides
me: this isn't high school
(dani gives me these funny ridiculous pair of sunglasses)
me: oh man! i just got total inspiration for a halloween costume.
dad: a superhero?
me: ooooooh yeah
mom: super slut
me: that's not a superhero!
dani: i like how you say it's not a superhero, but you don't deny the slut
me: i'm not one of those either
went to the padre game!
woooooooooo!
and all the marines were there in uniform
i was in heeeeeeeeeeeeaven!
me: i want that one
dani: no
me: and that one
dani: no
me: oh and that one
dani: hands off
me: can i go ask mr funny hat man if i can have them?
dani: you mean the drill instructor?
shawn: the smokey
me: smokey? as in smokey the bear?
shawn: yeah
me: i LOVE smokey the bear
shawn: that's nice
dani: no you don't understand, she would have sex with someone in a smokey the bear costume
me: don't think we'd both fit.
(hysterical laughter from everyone)
me: oh... you meant the person... not inside the costume
shawn: how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
me: flies don't replace lightbulbs
shawn: you're right. everyone is trying to figure out how they got into the lightbulb
me: ooooooh, you meant how many flies have sex in lightbulbs
shawn: yeah
me: well wouldn't it be 2.
shawn: sure
dani: luci
me: oooooooooooh how did the flies get into the lightbulb... ok i get it
(about the marines)
me: can i just borrow one of them and show them how much i appreciate what they're doing for our country?
dani: no
me: but i'm a good citizen, i support our troops
dani: there are other ways to show it
dani: is it bad that when you say "he'd be more fun" i think "he'd be more fun in bed"
me: he's not a chinese fortune cookie
(went and talk to the smokies, aka the drill sergeants for the marines)
me: ok i have a very important question for you
smokey 1: ok
me: alright, you might think i'm joking, but i'm actually being dead serious about this.
smokey 1: alright.
me: ok. what do i do if i want one of these for christmas?
smokey 1: what?
me: if i want to get one of these christmas, what do i have to do?
smokey 1: ask him (walks me over to the other smokey) ask this guy
me: i want one of these christmas what do i have to do?
smokey 2: you want one of THESE guys?
me: well only some of them, i've seen a few i like, cuz santa can bring me all of you
(2 other smokies come over and listen to this conversation with lots of laughter)
smokey 2: only a few?
me: well i figure if i put 5 of them on my list to santa, there's a chance i'll get at least 1, cuz santa never brings all the things on your list.
smokey 3: good point.
smokey 2: october 5th.
me: what about october 5th?
smokey 1: graduation
smokey 2: come down to graduation and you can have whichever one of these boys you want
smokey 3: several even
me: i don't have to wait until christmas?
smokey 2: nope. graduation, come down to the school.
me: i don't what school.
smokey 2: mcrd
me: oh you bet! i've been hanging around navy men, i figure it might be time for a switch
smokey 4: good girl.
smokey 3: girl's got good taste.
smokey 2: navy men?
me: it's what santa brought me last year
(laughter as i walk away)
smokey 2: we'll see you october 5th!
dani: he's mr crabby pants
me: he's got crabs in his pants?
me: i want crabs on my plate, not on my vagina
dani: what about boys
me: well i don't want boys on my plate
(laughter)
me: oh... i get it
me: wait... i dated a mexican, good thing i never ordered a crab taco
me: you're in the reserves, that's diet
dani: he's diet everything
dani: super skank
me: it's super slut
dani: yeah... cuz that's so much better
(about the marines)
shawn: you do realize that they haven't had a proper shower in about 2.5 months?
me: and you think what i have planned is gonna be clean?
dani: wait, i need something hard to right on
me: here's this (hands over wallet)
dani: this is gonna be hard
me: well actually it's gonna be soft, but so is usually shawn
me: i'm not as bad as they make me sound
dani: you're right, you're worse.
(singing take me out to the ballgame)
me: buy me some penis and crack... whoa what?!?!
dani: did you just say "buy me some penis and crack"?
me: that's what it sounded like
(about the marines again, dani dragging me away from them)
dani: no.
me: c'mon, it's like putting a 4 year old in a candy store and telling them to not eat
dani: no, a 4 year old has more restraint
dani: what do you want to eat?
me: something on the go, cheap, and easy.... and not a hooker
dani: so what? you gonna eat yourself?
adam: so all the top positions are there, and then they're distributed high to low.
me: are you talking about sexual positions?
shawn: actually we were talking about business
me: then why did it sound so dirty?
shawn: cuz it's you
(about the marines again)
shawn: just take one of them into the bathroom stall.
me: but people would see.
shawn: y'know they're still on the buddy system.
me: what does that mean?
shawn: it's keep them from getting in trouble, when they get sent to iraq they won't be alone and wonder off and get beheaded on national television
me: i know what a buddy system is, i was just wondering why they have it here.
shawn: well since they're not allowed to be alone, it means if you one into the bathroom stall, the other one has to go to.
dani: don't give her ideas.