(no subject)
Experienced something pretty amazing tonight. So much on my mind . . . I won't even begin to mention all that is on my plate. But, as always, when I get into some many high profile things it inevitably draws problems, complications, and stress.
But that is not the point.
See I love the life I am living.
But, I now find it hard to remember the me before Burning Man. I can take time, and when I do, I get back to the Martial Artist. To my relationship with Christin, a relationship that in itself became a wonderful battle at the end. To my first large "family" though all of the people who made the Mudd House in Ypsi home. Some really amazing things from that time, so really rough ones as well. The thing is, that was more of an in-between version of myself in many ways.
Not a life I chose purposefully, but rather one I purposefully chose not to say no to, if that makes sense. What I got from that time was many of the skills that allow me to live the life I do now, but that time was lacking something. I wasn't as me as I am now.
After tonight, I realized that it wasn't as me as I was before either.
See, just as it is hard for me to go back before 2003 because Burning Man changed my world so radically. I realize now there is another event horizon back when I hit 23 years old and choose to take on becoming a full time martial arts instructor.
For the first time in a long time I sat down tonight and just listened to music. I began with Einstürzende Neubauten and then moved to the Dirty Three. As I did so I became more and more drawn to the pre-Burning Man, pre-Black Belt version of myself that was just an artist, much more introverted, loved music, loved sitting up late, drinking coffee, writing, drawing. Back then I only had a few friends, but they were close. And they got the quiet side of me. The emotional side of me. The darker side of me.
I sat with those parts of myself more often. And tonight, by the time I got to this track, I was back there sitting with that part of myself more fully then I have for awhile.
It's important to be clear here. I feel that my life is full. But there was a facet of myself that I didn't know I had forgotten in my past, and I found it again tonight.
It's like a home I left years ago, deep in the woods. I am writing this tonight to mark that path back.
But that is not the point.
See I love the life I am living.
But, I now find it hard to remember the me before Burning Man. I can take time, and when I do, I get back to the Martial Artist. To my relationship with Christin, a relationship that in itself became a wonderful battle at the end. To my first large "family" though all of the people who made the Mudd House in Ypsi home. Some really amazing things from that time, so really rough ones as well. The thing is, that was more of an in-between version of myself in many ways.
Not a life I chose purposefully, but rather one I purposefully chose not to say no to, if that makes sense. What I got from that time was many of the skills that allow me to live the life I do now, but that time was lacking something. I wasn't as me as I am now.
After tonight, I realized that it wasn't as me as I was before either.
See, just as it is hard for me to go back before 2003 because Burning Man changed my world so radically. I realize now there is another event horizon back when I hit 23 years old and choose to take on becoming a full time martial arts instructor.
For the first time in a long time I sat down tonight and just listened to music. I began with Einstürzende Neubauten and then moved to the Dirty Three. As I did so I became more and more drawn to the pre-Burning Man, pre-Black Belt version of myself that was just an artist, much more introverted, loved music, loved sitting up late, drinking coffee, writing, drawing. Back then I only had a few friends, but they were close. And they got the quiet side of me. The emotional side of me. The darker side of me.
I sat with those parts of myself more often. And tonight, by the time I got to this track, I was back there sitting with that part of myself more fully then I have for awhile.
Click to viewIt's important to be clear here. I feel that my life is full. But there was a facet of myself that I didn't know I had forgotten in my past, and I found it again tonight.
It's like a home I left years ago, deep in the woods. I am writing this tonight to mark that path back.