(no subject)
one day you're not gonna remember how you felt today, or you'll remember and feel silly. so why not realize that now and get there sooner? does that make any sense? nothing really makes any sense. there are concrete facts, and concrete theories, and concrete abstractions that we label and deny and embrace and they all make up this silly existence of ours. an existence that i've spent useless hours calculating and more useless educational hours getting more confused about than i was in the first place. it's all brought before me, on a silver platter, into my realm of comprehension and i comprehend...that i don't comprehend shit. and i think that's the way it's supposed to be. i know i don't write journal entries like "dear diary, i woke up, i ate, i learned, i ate, i stumbled, i slept" but that's because my writer brain isn't active in my day to day. these sporadic entries are more like my brain taking a shit through my finger tips onto my keyboard. really, i mostly just like the way it feels when i type from time to time. i have a good possibility of about nine and a half hours of sleep if i retire now, but that doesn't take into account the hour my mind will spend flip flopping on my pillow, so i thought i'd get this all out now.
things are always changing though i seem to remain the same. that's a painful process. i want to move along with everything else but i get stuck in my imaginary world of how things should've happened, or could have happened. i have to realize that there is no script, as corny as that sounds. i don't know what i do once i accept that, but it seems like a good first step.
i'm glad that summer is coming. i'm glad of a break, distance, maybe even some fucking perspective (maybe). i'm so excited not to be a freshman anymore. to return, feeling comfortable and familiar with my surroundings and knowing there is someone just as lost as i am, or even more so. all this house chair excitement makes me slightly sad i didn't run this term, but hopefully throughout this next year i can build a good reputation in my house and have a really good chance at getting the position when i'm a junior. that seems like such a long ways away, but considering how fast this year went, i know it'll be come and gone before i can even grasp that it's happening. fleeting, fleeting, fleeting. that's the definition.
dear diary,
i'm going to go pee when i finish this. then i'll go to sleep. i'll probably dream something and forget it. i might wake up for breakfast, hopefully chocolate chip pancakes, which are really just big soft cookies. then i'll critique some squash and eat some more shitty food, and take some notes on the lives of post war europeans. then there will be a slide show and witty banter between a middle aged irish woman and a cocky greek boy who has my heart quite unrequitedly. then some more shitty food, more procrastination. sleep will come back in eventually and that's all i can really say for certain. though i can't really say for certain. i might not go to class. i might not wake up. i might not even go to sleep. who's to say? although i'm pretty sure there is a certain pattern and i'm not one to fuck it just to prove i can. i know i can. so i'm going to bed.
things are always changing though i seem to remain the same. that's a painful process. i want to move along with everything else but i get stuck in my imaginary world of how things should've happened, or could have happened. i have to realize that there is no script, as corny as that sounds. i don't know what i do once i accept that, but it seems like a good first step.
i'm glad that summer is coming. i'm glad of a break, distance, maybe even some fucking perspective (maybe). i'm so excited not to be a freshman anymore. to return, feeling comfortable and familiar with my surroundings and knowing there is someone just as lost as i am, or even more so. all this house chair excitement makes me slightly sad i didn't run this term, but hopefully throughout this next year i can build a good reputation in my house and have a really good chance at getting the position when i'm a junior. that seems like such a long ways away, but considering how fast this year went, i know it'll be come and gone before i can even grasp that it's happening. fleeting, fleeting, fleeting. that's the definition.
dear diary,
i'm going to go pee when i finish this. then i'll go to sleep. i'll probably dream something and forget it. i might wake up for breakfast, hopefully chocolate chip pancakes, which are really just big soft cookies. then i'll critique some squash and eat some more shitty food, and take some notes on the lives of post war europeans. then there will be a slide show and witty banter between a middle aged irish woman and a cocky greek boy who has my heart quite unrequitedly. then some more shitty food, more procrastination. sleep will come back in eventually and that's all i can really say for certain. though i can't really say for certain. i might not go to class. i might not wake up. i might not even go to sleep. who's to say? although i'm pretty sure there is a certain pattern and i'm not one to fuck it just to prove i can. i know i can. so i'm going to bed.