Broken Glass Syndrome
Title: Broken Glass Syndrome
Fandom: Bleach
Characters/Pairing: Hisagi Shuuhei/Hinamori Momo, implied Hinamori/Aizen, Hinamori/Kira, and Hisagi/Matsumoto
Prompt: Secret
Summary: They're not keeping secrets; the only secret is them.
Author's Notes: Song title from a Halifax song. |D
“Feel for this pile of broken glass
I’ll hand you the sharpest one to place it right in my back.”
Hinamori knows what he’s doing.
She knows, and she can’t blame him for it, even if it hurts. She’s been selfish and bratty and other things she doesn’t want to acknowledge, so the least she can do is be there for someone who is going through the same thing she is. She doesn’t know just how attached Shuuhei was to Tousen, but that doesn’t matter (or so she wants to believe).
It hurts for both of them, and Hinamori can’t tell if this is making things better or making them worse.
If she voiced these thoughts, he would tell her (in the contained voice that fits him so well) that she was over thinking things. It would break her heart because he would be avoiding the real problem, the real reason they’re even giving each other the time of day in the first place. She doesn’t want to be used anymore, not by someone as flawed and trustworthy as him.
Even though her pedestal is empty, he’s not ready to be there in Aizen’s place.
She’ll hide her emptiness and smile for him if it’s what makes him happy, makes him forget the pain. Maybe she’s falling into the same trap she did before, but she’s not ready to give herself away so easily again. Hinamori can’t afford to break again, because if someone cracks her one more time she just might shatter. It’s a thin line to walk, but she needs someone stable, someone who can stand on their own while sympathizing with her.
That doesn’t explain why it feels different from simple comfort.
It definitely doesn’t explain why there’s such a pressing need to keep secrets.
*****
“Why me, Hisagi-kun?”
The question against his lips is so unexpected that he pauses, pulls away and avoids her gaze. She asks him so innocently, her eyes curious and free from any accusations or hostility. He owes it to Hinamori to explain, but it would tear them apart - no, it would tear her apart again. She would cry and scream and ask why he would be so cruel, so selfish. Hisagi wouldn’t know what to say in his defense, because everything she would say would be true.
She doesn’t give him an opportunity to say anything before continuing, looking at the ground and playing with her hands. “It’s selfish of us, isn’t it? We want someone who can understand us…”
He wants to leave now, but his pride matters more than his comfort. Hisagi manages to linger, if only to do her a favor and be an audience for her upcoming soliloquy. His time stopped being valuable a long time ago. It can be wasted with the person whom he owes his sanity to.
“But in the end, we never understood each other.” She looks straight at him, her eyes dagger-like and strong (he can still lose himself in them). There are no tears, nothing he would typically expect from her. “We loved other people. It would’ve made more sense to go to them, then.”
He feels like this is a subtle jab at his decision to initiate this for all the wrong reasons. She knew, he knew, they both knew the whole time how ridiculous their situation was. The only difference between them is that she takes it in stride, makes an attempt to understand where he’s coming from. And him? He’s just being selfish. It would be so easy to blame it on her for being so vulnerable, so weak in not being able to refuse the temptation of companionship.
Everything starts and ends with him, and Hisagi knows this.
“Hinamori,” he says, his voice distant and uncaring. There’s a definite fear of growing too attached and falling for her to the point where he can’t rise to the surface. His own foolish reservations are breaking her heart and he can’t bring himself to care all that much.
Her hands are folded neatly in her lap and she tilts her head attentively. “Yeah?”
“Who do you really love?”
His voice comes out as a whisper, less an inquiry than an admittance. He has somehow deluded himself into believing that she truly feels something for him when it can’t be further from the truth. Hinamori is just that; she is a girl who wants to make up for being blind when she was the only one who suffered. She misconstrues her kindness for atonement. What did she owe him?
Nothing. She’s playing the part of a devoted lover because that’s what she thinks he needs.
She looks away, and rightfully so; he’s never taken any form of interest in her feelings and no one else has bothered to ask.
“I’m not sure.” She smiles sadly. “Maybe I don’t really love anyone.”
“But you do. I know you do.”
There is silence as Hinamori walks closer to him, placing a tentative hand on his chest. “Love…like the way you love Matsumoto-fukutaichou?”
Her voice isn’t bitter or hateful, but he can’t tell what it is. It could be understanding, it could be acceptance…
It could be resignation.
He can’t help but be surprised that she’s so perceptive as to know about a childish crush that may or may not have faded already. He wants to tell her that it’s not necessarily true, not if Hinamori is the one occupying his thoughts most of the time. But he feels the need to stab her the way she’s stabbing him now, even if it’s unintentional.
“Love, like the way you love Kira.” His voice is colder than it should be, more sardonic and bitter than he wanted. He can’t take the words back now, because he sees her withdraw; they’ve done their damage.
Hinamori inhales and undoes the bun in her hair, letting her dark brown tresses spill down her shoulders. She stares at her hand for a moment before squeezing her eyes shut, and it’s then that he notices the tears threatening to spill down her face.
The guilt is overwhelming.
“Shuuhei…I want to tell you something. I - I can’t help you forget. I’m not the person you need for that. I really do care about you, but you don’t need someone like me.” A deep breath. She opens her eyes and smiles in the beautifully broken way that is exclusively hers. “And it would help us both if we stopped.”
Hisagi’s eyes widen and he can’t help but swallow. He’s at an utter loss; what will he do now that he doesn’t have a distraction from the pain of betrayal? He had poured all of his attention, all of the shattered pieces of his trust into her.
“Shuuhei.”
He loves the way she says his name; it’s melodic and soothing and he doesn’t care if he’s grasping for reasons to make her stay. He doesn’t realize he’s been closing his eyes until he opens them, and there she is, standing in front of him.
“I want you to forget about this. I want you to nod at me, smile if you want, but that’s all. And we’ll never speak a word of this again.”
She kisses him one last time and leaves a bittersweet taste on his lips.
Bittersweet, just like her.