Another Brief Update on the Goings On in the Life of Adam Baldwin
Why hello there everyone! I know, I know, it's been far too long since last I wrote anything. And even then the last few entries have been short, paltry things--hardly what you, my true and loyal readership, have come to know and expect from the proverbial pen of Adam P. And so, with that in mind, and with the success and praise with which last summer's "Brief Update on the Goings On in the Life of Adam Baldwin" was met, I've decided to create the second entry in what may yet become an annual series--keep your fingers crossed! Like last time, I've utilized the same convenient, easy-to-use, reader-friendly twenty-two-point outline format. As always, what follows is an unexaggerated account of the events in my life over the past weeks; I look forward to your sharing them with me.
1. Renewed and reformed my well-known Lifestyle of Austerity plan from last summer
a. which now entails:
i. eating less
ii. eating healthier
iii. going to sleep earlier
iv. getting up earlier
v. working out on a daily basis
vi. engaging in more outdoor activities
vii. engaging in more public service
viii. reading more
b. Have not managed to do most of this.
2. Incorrectly chewed a pizza bagel the other day
b. thus injuring my tongue severely.
3. Licked an envelope
a. which tasted like fireworks smell.
i. Was concerned about the possibility of having been poisoned.
ii. Several weeks have passed.
1) Turns out I was not poisoned.
4. Have made a concerted effort to make new friends this summer.
a. Have achieved only marginal success.
5. Bought a book authored by Sylvester Stallone
a. the actor.
i. Seriously.
b. Knew it would be good because
i. Sylvester Stallone wrote it.
ii. It was a hardback.
iii. There were many copies left
1) suggesting that I had arrived just before the rush of customers for which the store was clearly prepared.
iv. It was on the bargain rack.
1) Its price had been marked down nearly eighty percent
a) suggesting that Sylvester had asked the publishers to lower the price because of the demand amongst those who could not afford the full cost.
c. As evidence of the fact that it is as good as I expected, I have included below a small collection of quotes, unaltered in any way:
i. "Yogurt slowly brought down the curtain on our working relationship."
ii. "As we'd workout, the bird would glare at me, intermittently flapping that lonely wing of his, as if to say, 'get out.'"
iv. "She brought me to the front of the class. "Children, we have a special guest today, Superboy.' She made me take my clothes off."
6. Got back on the Genius Plan
a.namely, in case you don't know, getting as little sleep as possible in order to become a genius.
b. Have failed yet again to become a genius.
c. Got back off the Genius Plan.
7. Ate the most delicious piece of crab Rangoon I've ever eaten.
8. Entertained guests from across the nation several weeks ago
a.during whose stay we played Drive Around Out in the Country with the Signs Soundtrack Playing and Get Scared.
i. It was almost a bust, until
1) we found an old abandoned field
a) populated by telephone poles
b) and used only for some sort of agriculture.
2) We very nearly faced capture and certain grisly death at the hands of the mountain men and/or a colony of deranged misanthropes.
3) Fortunately, this did not happen.
9. Accidentally watched a significant portion of RV.
a. Believe it or not it was actually worse than Traveling Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants.
10. Had a crush on someone for weeks
a. well, months, really, if I'm honest.
b. Wasted way too much time and effort
i. only to finally realize the other day that there's probably nothing there.
ii. Got depressed.
1) Fell completely off the Lifestyle of Austerity and the Four Point Plan.
a) Ate a half a box of cheese bread over the course of two days.
iii. But then cheered up
1) because we held hands one night
a) which made me think there might be something there after all
b) Was no longer depressed.
iv. But then discovered that this did not actually happen
1) upon waking up and realizing I had instead been dreaming.
v. Got even more depressed.
1) Wrote a poem.
a) I've never even written a poem before.
i) But don't worry, nothing about swirling black voids of despair or the rain echoing my feelings.
1] *wink, Dylan.
ii) As it turns out, by the end I think I had written something quite clever, and even a bit humorous
iii) so actually, I think it turned out to be pretty good.
1] if I do say so myself
a] and I do.
11. Went on a date the other day
a. or at least what could have been a date.
i. Totally blew it.
ii. Reverted into loser me
1) who was too wimpy to even give her a hug or otherwise any physical indication that I was interested in her romantically.
b. This is actually unrelated to no. 10
ii. though it occurred at roughly the same time and thus contributed to the eating of half a box of cheese bread.
12. Went outside just before a storm one day.
a. Was struck in the neck by flying debris.
b. Had never been struck by flying debris before this time.
c. Thought it was worth mentioning.
13. Found out yesterday I need to have surgery.
a. Have decided to wait until after China.
14. Am continuing to work to spread round my catchphrases, like
a. the beloved "Rowling!"
i. You know, it's even popping up on the West Coast now.
b. and the newly-created "Take it to the Max Don!"
i. For this, unfortunately, I cannot claim credit, and instead am obliged to give it to its inventor, Drew.
1) Who knew he had it in him to come up with this kind of material?
15. Attended a Pentecostal worship service.
a. Much speaking in tongues was heard.
b. Much running around the church by parishioners for no apparent reason was seen.
c. Also, the sermon was about the Bermuda Triangle.
i. For real.
16. Have had a streak of bad luck in cinematic choice at the theater.
a. Saw the following in relatively close succession:
i. Shrek III
1) When searching for indicators that Mike Myers may be having difficulty in coming up with two hours worth of material for a film, look for the following:
a) The first third of the movie consists of scenes demonstrating that an ogre is too fat, ugly, and unhygienic to function as a successful monarch.
b) Cameron Diaz has been given an active role in the creative process.
c) Multiple scenes revolve around an ogre's inability to parent effectively.
ii. Ms. Potter
1) Quite possibly the least invested I've ever been in any movie ever.
a) For appropriate context, please reference no. 9.
iii. Knocked Up
1) Grossly inferior to Forty Year Old Virgin.
iv. Mr. Brooks
1) Reasons this movie sucked:
a) First of all
i) Dane Cook.
2) Way too many subplots, none of which had any bearing on the main story.
3) A dumb ending.
4) An even dumber fake ending, involving
a) scissors
b) lots of blood
c) bad acting
v. 1408
1) Reasons this movie was not scary:
a) Oh no, a room where it snows indoors!
b) Oh no, a room with moving pictures on the walls!
c) Oh no, a room with a fridge through which you can talk to Samuel L. Jackson!
d) A dumb ending
e) An even dumber fake ending, involving
i) a post office
1] I normally like to write in sets of three when I do this, but really I think
"post office" pretty much does it here.
2) However, Joan Cusack's brief but startling cameo almost makes the film worth seeing.
b. Broke the streak with Transformers!
i. Reasons why this movie was amazing:
1) Bernie Mac
2) Jon Voight
3) giant transforming robots meting out large quantities of destruction, which includes, but is not limited to:
a) Ripping an entire bus in half!
b) Flinging an actual car into an actual building!
c) Destroying an entire US military base!
17. Have been having a series of really bizarre dreams lately, including
a. one in which I was trying to get people eaten by sharks by building large piles of mattresses for them to sleep on near shark-infested waters.
b. and another in which I was a prince in an Asian castle owned by the famous 2nd century Chinese warlord Cao Cao.
18. Unexpectedly received as a gift a sucker with a real scorpion inside it.
a. Thought about eating it
i. in order to be able to say I had eaten a sucker with a real scorpion inside it
1) but was warned by a friend who had eaten one himself that when he was licking his, the scorpion's claw poked out and scratched his tongue.
b. Am wary of additional tongue incidents.
i. Please refer to nos. 2 and 3.
c. Have yet to eat the sucker.
19. Enjoying being home, but sometimes feel like I'm living in a mental institution, i.e.
a. my dreams of late
i. Please refer to no. 17.
b. Am continually catching tidbits of conversation between my family members for which i can conceive of no rational explanation, i.e.
i. My mother, in a rage, to my sister: "Bethany, I know who Merlin was, I thought you were saying Morilla!"
c. Occasionally hear barnyard animal noises emanating from my sister's room.
d. My father recently accused my sister of trying to drug the family because of a small amount of Amaretto she put in the frosting she made for some cookies.
e. My mother recently accused me of being high because I was laughing at her and my sister.
i. Please refer to no. 19, section b., subsection i. above.
ii. I was not high.
20. Lost eighteen games in a row at tennis.
a. While this is humiliating, felt it made for a good story.
i. Have told this story multiple times
1) Received a good response each time.
b. Unfortunately, have since been informed that this is not true.
i. I did, in fact, lose eighteen games, I just didn't lose them in a row.
ii. This fact, while not lessening my humiliation, does ruin my story.
21. Accidentally illegally jumped into a pool weeks ago with my phone in my pocket.
a. Had made a special mental note to remember to take it out before I jumped in.
i. This did not work.
b. Have only just gotten around today to calling for a replacement.
i. During the call, did not mention the jumping into a pool as a possible cause of malfunction.
1) Am concerned my ruse will not succeed.
22. Am actually having the 4th of July bash I claimed I was going to have in last summer's Update!
a. Am concerned, however, that it might rain
i. so I'm puttin' in a call to old Dad upstairs.
1) That's just for you, Dylan
2) and Sam
3) and Maddie
4) and definitely Rob.
5) I know how you all like it so much.
Phew. I must admit, now that I think about it, a lot more has happened to me, but after writing all this I'm exhausted, and after reading it all, I suspect you will be as well. At any rate, I think we should both take a break for now. I hope you've enjoyed reliving with me these past weeks; I know if I were you I certainly would.
Until next time,
Most sincerely and patriotically,
Adam
1. Renewed and reformed my well-known Lifestyle of Austerity plan from last summer
a. which now entails:
i. eating less
ii. eating healthier
iii. going to sleep earlier
iv. getting up earlier
v. working out on a daily basis
vi. engaging in more outdoor activities
vii. engaging in more public service
viii. reading more
b. Have not managed to do most of this.
2. Incorrectly chewed a pizza bagel the other day
b. thus injuring my tongue severely.
3. Licked an envelope
a. which tasted like fireworks smell.
i. Was concerned about the possibility of having been poisoned.
ii. Several weeks have passed.
1) Turns out I was not poisoned.
4. Have made a concerted effort to make new friends this summer.
a. Have achieved only marginal success.
5. Bought a book authored by Sylvester Stallone
a. the actor.
i. Seriously.
b. Knew it would be good because
i. Sylvester Stallone wrote it.
ii. It was a hardback.
iii. There were many copies left
1) suggesting that I had arrived just before the rush of customers for which the store was clearly prepared.
iv. It was on the bargain rack.
1) Its price had been marked down nearly eighty percent
a) suggesting that Sylvester had asked the publishers to lower the price because of the demand amongst those who could not afford the full cost.
c. As evidence of the fact that it is as good as I expected, I have included below a small collection of quotes, unaltered in any way:
i. "Yogurt slowly brought down the curtain on our working relationship."
ii. "As we'd workout, the bird would glare at me, intermittently flapping that lonely wing of his, as if to say, 'get out.'"
iv. "She brought me to the front of the class. "Children, we have a special guest today, Superboy.' She made me take my clothes off."
6. Got back on the Genius Plan
a.namely, in case you don't know, getting as little sleep as possible in order to become a genius.
b. Have failed yet again to become a genius.
c. Got back off the Genius Plan.
7. Ate the most delicious piece of crab Rangoon I've ever eaten.
8. Entertained guests from across the nation several weeks ago
a.during whose stay we played Drive Around Out in the Country with the Signs Soundtrack Playing and Get Scared.
i. It was almost a bust, until
1) we found an old abandoned field
a) populated by telephone poles
b) and used only for some sort of agriculture.
2) We very nearly faced capture and certain grisly death at the hands of the mountain men and/or a colony of deranged misanthropes.
3) Fortunately, this did not happen.
9. Accidentally watched a significant portion of RV.
a. Believe it or not it was actually worse than Traveling Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants.
10. Had a crush on someone for weeks
a. well, months, really, if I'm honest.
b. Wasted way too much time and effort
i. only to finally realize the other day that there's probably nothing there.
ii. Got depressed.
1) Fell completely off the Lifestyle of Austerity and the Four Point Plan.
a) Ate a half a box of cheese bread over the course of two days.
iii. But then cheered up
1) because we held hands one night
a) which made me think there might be something there after all
b) Was no longer depressed.
iv. But then discovered that this did not actually happen
1) upon waking up and realizing I had instead been dreaming.
v. Got even more depressed.
1) Wrote a poem.
a) I've never even written a poem before.
i) But don't worry, nothing about swirling black voids of despair or the rain echoing my feelings.
1] *wink, Dylan.
ii) As it turns out, by the end I think I had written something quite clever, and even a bit humorous
iii) so actually, I think it turned out to be pretty good.
1] if I do say so myself
a] and I do.
11. Went on a date the other day
a. or at least what could have been a date.
i. Totally blew it.
ii. Reverted into loser me
1) who was too wimpy to even give her a hug or otherwise any physical indication that I was interested in her romantically.
b. This is actually unrelated to no. 10
ii. though it occurred at roughly the same time and thus contributed to the eating of half a box of cheese bread.
12. Went outside just before a storm one day.
a. Was struck in the neck by flying debris.
b. Had never been struck by flying debris before this time.
c. Thought it was worth mentioning.
13. Found out yesterday I need to have surgery.
a. Have decided to wait until after China.
14. Am continuing to work to spread round my catchphrases, like
a. the beloved "Rowling!"
i. You know, it's even popping up on the West Coast now.
b. and the newly-created "Take it to the Max Don!"
i. For this, unfortunately, I cannot claim credit, and instead am obliged to give it to its inventor, Drew.
1) Who knew he had it in him to come up with this kind of material?
15. Attended a Pentecostal worship service.
a. Much speaking in tongues was heard.
b. Much running around the church by parishioners for no apparent reason was seen.
c. Also, the sermon was about the Bermuda Triangle.
i. For real.
16. Have had a streak of bad luck in cinematic choice at the theater.
a. Saw the following in relatively close succession:
i. Shrek III
1) When searching for indicators that Mike Myers may be having difficulty in coming up with two hours worth of material for a film, look for the following:
a) The first third of the movie consists of scenes demonstrating that an ogre is too fat, ugly, and unhygienic to function as a successful monarch.
b) Cameron Diaz has been given an active role in the creative process.
c) Multiple scenes revolve around an ogre's inability to parent effectively.
ii. Ms. Potter
1) Quite possibly the least invested I've ever been in any movie ever.
a) For appropriate context, please reference no. 9.
iii. Knocked Up
1) Grossly inferior to Forty Year Old Virgin.
iv. Mr. Brooks
1) Reasons this movie sucked:
a) First of all
i) Dane Cook.
2) Way too many subplots, none of which had any bearing on the main story.
3) A dumb ending.
4) An even dumber fake ending, involving
a) scissors
b) lots of blood
c) bad acting
v. 1408
1) Reasons this movie was not scary:
a) Oh no, a room where it snows indoors!
b) Oh no, a room with moving pictures on the walls!
c) Oh no, a room with a fridge through which you can talk to Samuel L. Jackson!
d) A dumb ending
e) An even dumber fake ending, involving
i) a post office
1] I normally like to write in sets of three when I do this, but really I think
"post office" pretty much does it here.
2) However, Joan Cusack's brief but startling cameo almost makes the film worth seeing.
b. Broke the streak with Transformers!
i. Reasons why this movie was amazing:
1) Bernie Mac
2) Jon Voight
3) giant transforming robots meting out large quantities of destruction, which includes, but is not limited to:
a) Ripping an entire bus in half!
b) Flinging an actual car into an actual building!
c) Destroying an entire US military base!
17. Have been having a series of really bizarre dreams lately, including
a. one in which I was trying to get people eaten by sharks by building large piles of mattresses for them to sleep on near shark-infested waters.
b. and another in which I was a prince in an Asian castle owned by the famous 2nd century Chinese warlord Cao Cao.
18. Unexpectedly received as a gift a sucker with a real scorpion inside it.
a. Thought about eating it
i. in order to be able to say I had eaten a sucker with a real scorpion inside it
1) but was warned by a friend who had eaten one himself that when he was licking his, the scorpion's claw poked out and scratched his tongue.
b. Am wary of additional tongue incidents.
i. Please refer to nos. 2 and 3.
c. Have yet to eat the sucker.
19. Enjoying being home, but sometimes feel like I'm living in a mental institution, i.e.
a. my dreams of late
i. Please refer to no. 17.
b. Am continually catching tidbits of conversation between my family members for which i can conceive of no rational explanation, i.e.
i. My mother, in a rage, to my sister: "Bethany, I know who Merlin was, I thought you were saying Morilla!"
c. Occasionally hear barnyard animal noises emanating from my sister's room.
d. My father recently accused my sister of trying to drug the family because of a small amount of Amaretto she put in the frosting she made for some cookies.
e. My mother recently accused me of being high because I was laughing at her and my sister.
i. Please refer to no. 19, section b., subsection i. above.
ii. I was not high.
20. Lost eighteen games in a row at tennis.
a. While this is humiliating, felt it made for a good story.
i. Have told this story multiple times
1) Received a good response each time.
b. Unfortunately, have since been informed that this is not true.
i. I did, in fact, lose eighteen games, I just didn't lose them in a row.
ii. This fact, while not lessening my humiliation, does ruin my story.
21. Accidentally illegally jumped into a pool weeks ago with my phone in my pocket.
a. Had made a special mental note to remember to take it out before I jumped in.
i. This did not work.
b. Have only just gotten around today to calling for a replacement.
i. During the call, did not mention the jumping into a pool as a possible cause of malfunction.
1) Am concerned my ruse will not succeed.
22. Am actually having the 4th of July bash I claimed I was going to have in last summer's Update!
a. Am concerned, however, that it might rain
i. so I'm puttin' in a call to old Dad upstairs.
1) That's just for you, Dylan
2) and Sam
3) and Maddie
4) and definitely Rob.
5) I know how you all like it so much.
Phew. I must admit, now that I think about it, a lot more has happened to me, but after writing all this I'm exhausted, and after reading it all, I suspect you will be as well. At any rate, I think we should both take a break for now. I hope you've enjoyed reliving with me these past weeks; I know if I were you I certainly would.
Until next time,
Most sincerely and patriotically,
Adam