So it's 2:20 in the morning
It's 2:20 in the morning, and as usual, its a lull in conversation time. So here I sit, writing in this journal as a desperate attempt for my life to make sense, or for someone to understand or explain it to me. It seems no matter how much fun I have in a day, I keep coming back to the fact that life may never again be as I liked it, it may never again make me happy, and it may never again be something that I could truly enjoy. When I am alone and able to think, with just the dull roar of my music in the background, I often think of the things that have happened since January. My life has gone from one extreme to the other and back again, with no happy medium in between. All I want is to keep those I love dearest near me, and the world is set on not ever letting that dream become a reality. One way or another, people have gone, changed, or disappeared from my life, people that I don't like living without. I find myself honestly not having a clue as to why things are happening, and wondering what I even did to deserve all this. Such a confusing time for young minds, I wonder why God intended it that way. It seems cruel from this point of view, although I'm sure that can't be the case, because what kind of God would that be? Either way, all I can see is the dim shroud that seems to have eveloped everything I knew, blurring my vision until I am so lost and confused, all I can do is cry.
Sometimes lyrics describe my life with one sentence.
It's pretty nice to know that things can be sorted out, and worked through, because it doesn't seem possible most of the time. Ten years from now, I might not even think of the people I hold most dear now, and that scares me. Ten years from now, it will be class reunion time, and I dread to think if that will be the first time I see some of my best friends in years. People change and go their seperate ways, lives change, minds forget. It's human nature. I've already forgotten people I've known since kindergarten, my memory only occasionally dredging up their memory.
I wish life was as easy as the movies, or tv.
In just a short time span, crisises are averted, friendships are patched up, friends never truly leave you, and you know by the time it's over, you'll be sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. Unfortunatley, our lives are not tv, and our cafe is closed. One more prick in the painstaking way that is life. I want to get up the courage to actually influence the world, but I don't think I'm ready for anything of the sort. Even just my own world, here. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about anything, so what hope is that? I know that even the smallest person can change the course of history, (that's some lord of the rings quotation there, I have to pay homage to my dear JRR Tolkien) but honestly, who said that person is going to be? I don't want fame or anything, but I want people to remember me. It's like that quote in troy that goes "Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. and so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across centuries? Will strangers hear our names and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? " Honestly. Does anything we really do matter? I suppose in the long run it does. But even though Lincoln's grandmother had to be there in order for him to stumble upon the presidency, who even knows her name?
I guess things will never truly straighten out, and I suppose we're just supposed to learn to deal with it. That seems to be every parent's approach to anything when you mention something is unfair. They respond with "That's the way life is" or "Just deal with it". Who's half brained idea was that anyway? Why just deal with something unfair and incredibly ignorant? What if Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks had just said "I'll just deal with it and get used to it." They did it for centuries, and it didn't work. Shouldn't people get the impression that something that doesn't work now, still won't work a year from now? You'll just have lowered your standards to fit the situation, and that is not the way to work with anything. The human population (with the exception of probably 5%) has given up on everything, and just ride the track. That might work for a while, but it leads to being unhappy in the end.
Anyway, sorry about this long entry (or a combination of sadness and a rant, whatever you please). I just needed to voice opinions.
Sometimes lyrics describe my life with one sentence.
It's pretty nice to know that things can be sorted out, and worked through, because it doesn't seem possible most of the time. Ten years from now, I might not even think of the people I hold most dear now, and that scares me. Ten years from now, it will be class reunion time, and I dread to think if that will be the first time I see some of my best friends in years. People change and go their seperate ways, lives change, minds forget. It's human nature. I've already forgotten people I've known since kindergarten, my memory only occasionally dredging up their memory.
I wish life was as easy as the movies, or tv.
In just a short time span, crisises are averted, friendships are patched up, friends never truly leave you, and you know by the time it's over, you'll be sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. Unfortunatley, our lives are not tv, and our cafe is closed. One more prick in the painstaking way that is life. I want to get up the courage to actually influence the world, but I don't think I'm ready for anything of the sort. Even just my own world, here. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about anything, so what hope is that? I know that even the smallest person can change the course of history, (that's some lord of the rings quotation there, I have to pay homage to my dear JRR Tolkien) but honestly, who said that person is going to be? I don't want fame or anything, but I want people to remember me. It's like that quote in troy that goes "Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. and so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across centuries? Will strangers hear our names and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? " Honestly. Does anything we really do matter? I suppose in the long run it does. But even though Lincoln's grandmother had to be there in order for him to stumble upon the presidency, who even knows her name?
I guess things will never truly straighten out, and I suppose we're just supposed to learn to deal with it. That seems to be every parent's approach to anything when you mention something is unfair. They respond with "That's the way life is" or "Just deal with it". Who's half brained idea was that anyway? Why just deal with something unfair and incredibly ignorant? What if Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks had just said "I'll just deal with it and get used to it." They did it for centuries, and it didn't work. Shouldn't people get the impression that something that doesn't work now, still won't work a year from now? You'll just have lowered your standards to fit the situation, and that is not the way to work with anything. The human population (with the exception of probably 5%) has given up on everything, and just ride the track. That might work for a while, but it leads to being unhappy in the end.
Anyway, sorry about this long entry (or a combination of sadness and a rant, whatever you please). I just needed to voice opinions.