skin crawl
it's a little sad how people our age, at least people in my financial situation, can't help but feel extravagant every time we do something completely for ourselves. i go out to dinner sometimes, i go on little trips to fredericksburg that "waste" gas, or i buy beer occasionally. then i get in these financial binds where i have to ask one of my parents for some money and i feel incredibly guilty about it. i'm not in these financial binds from going out to dinner once or buying a six pack, but i can't help but look back on the moments i didn't just save the money i had for "a rainy day" like today. i know there are much worse people out there that live completely and shamelessy off other people's money - and at our age i don't think it's that big of a deal - but it's hard for me to imagine how i'm going to live when i get out of college. i chose a major that made me happy, not one that will necessarily make me money, which is something i stupidly equate with happiness. i want to study abroad and go for internships in different states, but the things that hold me back are always money issues. i'm scared to take chances without peeking at my check register. which, by the way, i always keep track of but never seems correct according to the back. and no matter how many times you try to find the discrepancy, it never appears. can five dollars really disappear from your account with no one noticing? today i want to get my haircut but i don't have any money. technically i do have some money but i have to pay a chiropractor that has convinced me that he's helping me to the point i don't really want to stop going. i mean, maybe he is helping me. i've had less headaches, but that could just be because i'm cleaning my house more. who knows. i haven't had a good night dream in two weeks. my dreams have just been nightmares about having secrets from people and them getting angry at me for it, but before anyone gets the chance to understand my secrets i get hit by a car/shot/stabbed and go into a coma/die. i can't help but be annoyed about the future because chances are this is going to be my life forever - personal guilt trips about subway sandwiches and wondering where the money for my birthconrtol pills is going to come from.
