Saying goodbye.
A public post. This is my version of a long, crazy-assed Eulogy....in the form of a conversation.
RIP, Karl Ed Johnson: 12/14/1973 - 08/04/2006
Ed. You had been my best friend in the world for many, many years. And, as goodgothgirl put it today on the phone, you really did keep me from going completely insane and losing it for a few years. You (of all the people in this insane world), kept me grounded and helped me make it through. I owe that to you. And, shit were there ever some good times. Sometimes, I felt like you had been the brother I never really had, myself.
Do you remember the FIRST trip to Seattle, when we moved you out there, driving from Kent, OH all the way to Seattle? And, we did it all in the little Honda (Civic?). Two-door thing. Jam-packed with ALL of the worldly good you owned! And, I remember the breaks beginning to fail, AS WE BEGAN MAKING OUR DECENT into the plateau that is Salt Lake City.
I could have sworn I was going to die about 6 times on that crazy-ass trip. Do you remember when we were in Nebraska, about 50 miles from the Colorado border, how you stopped the car got out to try and take pictures of that fucking twister we saw about 40 or so miles away. I thought that was just about the craziest thing I had ever seen in my life. I remember I was yelling at you at the top of my lungs to "get in the fucking car, so we can drive AWAY from the fucking tornado!!" I mean, for fuck's sake Ed, I grew up in Queens, New York. I am not sure I had ever even SEEN a tornado in person before, and I sure as shit knew that I did not want to get ANY closer to one than we already were.
I still sometimes cannot believe that I did that trip. I called off working in the lab that whole week because you called me the Wednesday before, saying you really needed me, your friend to help you move and drive out there with you. That was the craziest thing I had ever done in my life, still may be. We just up-and-moved your ass to Seattle. It was a fucking blast. And that experience eventually, when I let it settle in my brain, taught me a very, very, very important life lesson: sometimes you simply need to do something a little risky and a little crazy to really experience life and actually be alive. I learned that SOMETIMES doing something really wild and spontaneous can actually make this life worth living. And, you my friend Ed, you taught me that. For that alone, I will miss you.
One the way there, we stopped in Chicago, Denver, to see your older brother, and in Reno. Your family, Uncles and Aunt were awesome when we finally got to Reno. And, that was when I met your grandparents (may they RIP, as well). Your grand-dad was some peace of work, but a pretty nice guy, all-in-all. Your family certainly did have it's share of drama. Made me realize that it wasn't just mine that was kinda' crazy....we just did our craziness a lot more overtly and loudly than most, but there was PLENTY of insanity in other families as well.
I remember how you kept chattering the whole trip about how Alanah was going to love me when we got out there and want to get together with me. Bahhhhh. She could not stand me!! Wow, that was fucking awkward!! She couldn't stand us being around. And, then we met that crazy-assed group of people. Shit, they were crazy. What was that really big dude's name? The skinhead, ska-loving, gamer guy? Ogre, that was his name! He was SUCH a cool, smart mother-fucker though. Oh, we had the best conversations. I got the worst coffee buzz of my life in Seattle on that trip, felt like I was having a heart attack back at Alanah's place.
Of course, Ed, you were the best man at my wedding. And we had a blast. Which is saying something, because I was a FUCKING mess before I got married. I mean I was fucking nuts. I was soooo scared. Bachelor party was good. Ahhh, good times. Yes, they were good times.
And, we always had a blast when I came out to Seattle to visit. Jazz clubs, comedy clubs, going out and partying, Irish pubs. Jameson's on the rocks. Always the same drink. We did have ourselves some fun. Always with the drama, and always some fun. You actually basically broke up with that one girl, Chris, I think was her name, while I was out visiting you. Man, she treated you like shit. She was fucking around on you, RIGHT in front of your eyes with your buddy. I could NOT fucking believe that. And, I really couldn't believe you wouldn't confront her on it. You, goyum, I will never understand that about you people...I do NOT get how you ever hash shit out with each other unless you really call out the fucking problems for G_d' sake. I will NEVER understand that. Better to call out the issue, yell a little, within reason, and then address the real issue/get the fuck over it then never deal with the problem. I don't get how you folks ever expect to improve things and grow if you don't face the problems heads up and head on.
Do you remember how you hooked me up with that Asian girl (what the fuck was her name) the summer we first met (10 years ago now, in '96). We were hangin' at Anne's house, I think, in Penfield, close to your home, right? Oh, man, and then, a few weeks later, you hooked me up with Elsa. Ahhh, Elsa. Elsa made me happy. Nice girl too. I hope she is well. Married, kids now.
I was "seeing" Elsa, and Kim (Kim, what?) at the same time and I really had a thing for Kim - man what minx...she was insane, sooo hawt, soooo nasty....sooooo goooood. And, oh yeah, still seeing Annie occasionally. Fuck, was that ever a mistake. I hung on way too long with Annie. It took me a long, long time to get over what happened with Annie, and you kind of held my fucked-up ass together that summer, hooking me up with different women before I moved out here for Grad school. I was a fucking mess, man. I could not get my head on straight to save my life. I am ever so thankful I had you around that summer, and that I was finally getting some. And, you and I were inseparable, which I i believe helped you too. You were able to get away from that fucked-up, crazy, incestuous, drug-using, Rocky crowd in Ra-cha-cha.
I remember I got you that job at Xerox and we were working together for like a month or so. You drove me insane, but we did have some fun, didn't we? Do you remember that night when I crashed at your house and you fucked that girl (what the hell was her name, Christine or something like that?) RIGHT fucking in front of me at like 1am?? I could NOT believe it. I was really trying to sleep. I was livid. I just about killed you the next day. I felt like my life was right out of "Clerks". In-Fucking-sane.
Perhaps I need to go out to the memorial service, if just to forgive you for what happened between us last year (and the year before). I still haven't forgiven you and I have been very angry with you for that stuff. I really needed you then and you did not act like a friend, even as you TOLD me you were and would always support me no matter what. But your actions said something different. I needed your support with whatever decision I made, and you really did not offer it then.
But, I think that perhaps I would regret not coming out and saying goodbye. Now that you are gone for good, I think that it is time to really let go, forgive you, and say goodbye.
It's funny, I had just been thinking about calling you again this week, seeing how things were, seeing if you had changed at all, after all this time? And now, 10 years after I met you, at 32, you just up-and-fucking-died on us all. WTF?!?!?! A Cerebral aneurysm? 32 years old? Fucked up. I think I had been hoping that we could renew some kind of friendship at some point, hoped you had a grown a bit, hoped that you I could have the friend in you that I had always felt I could have, the one who could learn to give and take in a really healthy way, with healthy boundaries and felt good enough about himself that he did not need to change everyone else around him.
Now you are gone. There won't be any more chance for that. I think I will miss having that chance with you, Ed. Be well. Rest In peace. G_d bless, my friend.
Your friend,
-Aram
RIP, Karl Ed Johnson: 12/14/1973 - 08/04/2006
Ed. You had been my best friend in the world for many, many years. And, as goodgothgirl put it today on the phone, you really did keep me from going completely insane and losing it for a few years. You (of all the people in this insane world), kept me grounded and helped me make it through. I owe that to you. And, shit were there ever some good times. Sometimes, I felt like you had been the brother I never really had, myself.
Do you remember the FIRST trip to Seattle, when we moved you out there, driving from Kent, OH all the way to Seattle? And, we did it all in the little Honda (Civic?). Two-door thing. Jam-packed with ALL of the worldly good you owned! And, I remember the breaks beginning to fail, AS WE BEGAN MAKING OUR DECENT into the plateau that is Salt Lake City.
I could have sworn I was going to die about 6 times on that crazy-ass trip. Do you remember when we were in Nebraska, about 50 miles from the Colorado border, how you stopped the car got out to try and take pictures of that fucking twister we saw about 40 or so miles away. I thought that was just about the craziest thing I had ever seen in my life. I remember I was yelling at you at the top of my lungs to "get in the fucking car, so we can drive AWAY from the fucking tornado!!" I mean, for fuck's sake Ed, I grew up in Queens, New York. I am not sure I had ever even SEEN a tornado in person before, and I sure as shit knew that I did not want to get ANY closer to one than we already were.
I still sometimes cannot believe that I did that trip. I called off working in the lab that whole week because you called me the Wednesday before, saying you really needed me, your friend to help you move and drive out there with you. That was the craziest thing I had ever done in my life, still may be. We just up-and-moved your ass to Seattle. It was a fucking blast. And that experience eventually, when I let it settle in my brain, taught me a very, very, very important life lesson: sometimes you simply need to do something a little risky and a little crazy to really experience life and actually be alive. I learned that SOMETIMES doing something really wild and spontaneous can actually make this life worth living. And, you my friend Ed, you taught me that. For that alone, I will miss you.
One the way there, we stopped in Chicago, Denver, to see your older brother, and in Reno. Your family, Uncles and Aunt were awesome when we finally got to Reno. And, that was when I met your grandparents (may they RIP, as well). Your grand-dad was some peace of work, but a pretty nice guy, all-in-all. Your family certainly did have it's share of drama. Made me realize that it wasn't just mine that was kinda' crazy....we just did our craziness a lot more overtly and loudly than most, but there was PLENTY of insanity in other families as well.
I remember how you kept chattering the whole trip about how Alanah was going to love me when we got out there and want to get together with me. Bahhhhh. She could not stand me!! Wow, that was fucking awkward!! She couldn't stand us being around. And, then we met that crazy-assed group of people. Shit, they were crazy. What was that really big dude's name? The skinhead, ska-loving, gamer guy? Ogre, that was his name! He was SUCH a cool, smart mother-fucker though. Oh, we had the best conversations. I got the worst coffee buzz of my life in Seattle on that trip, felt like I was having a heart attack back at Alanah's place.
Of course, Ed, you were the best man at my wedding. And we had a blast. Which is saying something, because I was a FUCKING mess before I got married. I mean I was fucking nuts. I was soooo scared. Bachelor party was good. Ahhh, good times. Yes, they were good times.
And, we always had a blast when I came out to Seattle to visit. Jazz clubs, comedy clubs, going out and partying, Irish pubs. Jameson's on the rocks. Always the same drink. We did have ourselves some fun. Always with the drama, and always some fun. You actually basically broke up with that one girl, Chris, I think was her name, while I was out visiting you. Man, she treated you like shit. She was fucking around on you, RIGHT in front of your eyes with your buddy. I could NOT fucking believe that. And, I really couldn't believe you wouldn't confront her on it. You, goyum, I will never understand that about you people...I do NOT get how you ever hash shit out with each other unless you really call out the fucking problems for G_d' sake. I will NEVER understand that. Better to call out the issue, yell a little, within reason, and then address the real issue/get the fuck over it then never deal with the problem. I don't get how you folks ever expect to improve things and grow if you don't face the problems heads up and head on.
Do you remember how you hooked me up with that Asian girl (what the fuck was her name) the summer we first met (10 years ago now, in '96). We were hangin' at Anne's house, I think, in Penfield, close to your home, right? Oh, man, and then, a few weeks later, you hooked me up with Elsa. Ahhh, Elsa. Elsa made me happy. Nice girl too. I hope she is well. Married, kids now.
I was "seeing" Elsa, and Kim (Kim, what?) at the same time and I really had a thing for Kim - man what minx...she was insane, sooo hawt, soooo nasty....sooooo goooood. And, oh yeah, still seeing Annie occasionally. Fuck, was that ever a mistake. I hung on way too long with Annie. It took me a long, long time to get over what happened with Annie, and you kind of held my fucked-up ass together that summer, hooking me up with different women before I moved out here for Grad school. I was a fucking mess, man. I could not get my head on straight to save my life. I am ever so thankful I had you around that summer, and that I was finally getting some. And, you and I were inseparable, which I i believe helped you too. You were able to get away from that fucked-up, crazy, incestuous, drug-using, Rocky crowd in Ra-cha-cha.
I remember I got you that job at Xerox and we were working together for like a month or so. You drove me insane, but we did have some fun, didn't we? Do you remember that night when I crashed at your house and you fucked that girl (what the hell was her name, Christine or something like that?) RIGHT fucking in front of me at like 1am?? I could NOT believe it. I was really trying to sleep. I was livid. I just about killed you the next day. I felt like my life was right out of "Clerks". In-Fucking-sane.
Perhaps I need to go out to the memorial service, if just to forgive you for what happened between us last year (and the year before). I still haven't forgiven you and I have been very angry with you for that stuff. I really needed you then and you did not act like a friend, even as you TOLD me you were and would always support me no matter what. But your actions said something different. I needed your support with whatever decision I made, and you really did not offer it then.
But, I think that perhaps I would regret not coming out and saying goodbye. Now that you are gone for good, I think that it is time to really let go, forgive you, and say goodbye.
It's funny, I had just been thinking about calling you again this week, seeing how things were, seeing if you had changed at all, after all this time? And now, 10 years after I met you, at 32, you just up-and-fucking-died on us all. WTF?!?!?! A Cerebral aneurysm? 32 years old? Fucked up. I think I had been hoping that we could renew some kind of friendship at some point, hoped you had a grown a bit, hoped that you I could have the friend in you that I had always felt I could have, the one who could learn to give and take in a really healthy way, with healthy boundaries and felt good enough about himself that he did not need to change everyone else around him.
Now you are gone. There won't be any more chance for that. I think I will miss having that chance with you, Ed. Be well. Rest In peace. G_d bless, my friend.
Your friend,
-Aram