(no subject)
It is a comical and scary thought that everything we do is ultimately so that we will exist in someone else's mind after we have left their sight.
And it is funny how long after we know that it's no use, we cannot stand the thought of them purging us from there.
We throw fits and fill their ears full of meaningless threats and words that are aimed to hurt and tear them down, in any attempt to just get them to stay to just keep our voice in their ears and our faces haunting their sleep.
We will do anything to still have a place in their lives, because it is hard to remember and not miss the times that we were their lives.
Human beings are just destined to chase ghosts.
We fall in love with ideas, not the people that posess them.
We fall in love with our own needs and satisfying them.
We fall in love with regret.
We fall in love with our whole hearts.
And no matter how fucked up the situation or undeserving the person, we don't ever get the whole thing back.
In the end I change my mind, there is no difference between love, lust, hate and obsession.
When you break it down it is all the same feeling.
After a certain extent intensity really loses all positive and negative connotation.
And that is what those emotions are...intense.
I guess we all still hold on to the dream somewhere deep down inside of ourselves that everyone whom we have loved with remain in love with us for the entirity of their lives. And that does not mean that the new girls or boys in the equation mean less, it just means that we are human. And love is jealous by nature, no matter what any Bible verse says. Love is imperfect. Because humanity is full of imperfection and only has to offer the end result or product of those iniquities.
And while I still understand, while I have always understood, love is still jealous by nature and I can't help but wish it was me you were trying to burn your memory into. I can't help but wish it was me.
I understand that no one will get you like your first love does no matter how many suitors fill the void before your death.
And I understand that even in denial and even after years of burning pictures, you can't blur the one in your minds eye, it will not be destroyed.
And when you look back on it, I know the reasons won't matter and the fuck up's won't change a damned thing, and even if you found someone better, I know that you will still miss her or him.
Because nothing is as intense as first romance.
Nothing will ever make you feel as alive as they once did with their arms around you.
And in the end, I know, the reasons just won't matter you will miss her, you will miss him.
But mostly you will miss the feeling that you got the first time your heart skipped a beat.
You will miss how new you felt when they first kissed your lips.
And you will miss the way their body pressed to yours the first time you crossed that line.
You will miss your own inexperience, when the world was still new, and your shoulders we still unburdened by the weight of failure.
And you know what else? In the end failure really has no name on it. No matter what the cause, both people will carry it with them for the rest of their lives.
I feel like for once I understand which is a common feeling for me at five fifty in the a.m.
But I think this goes beyond that.
I believe this paragraph like I have never believed anything, aside from maybe "the meaning of life" that comes to anyone blazed out of their senses. If you are looking to define my conviction, that is how you would measure it, because that is the only comparison. It is not loud and it is not angry it is just deep rooted and makes perfect sense to me.