Easy to Read Guides to Abusive Relationships
Have you been in an relationship where you were afraid of your partner, or your partner consistently make you feel bad? Know about a friend or family member who has? If not, you probably do know somebody who has experienced abuse in a relationship but you may not have had the tools to recognize it, or they may not have chosen not to share it with you. You may have heard about abuse: physical and sexual are the ones you're most familiar with, but maybe you don't know that much about the underlying dynamics of an abusive relationship: why it happens, what makes an abuser tick, why it's hard for people to leave, how an abuser's mind works, how somebody who seems like such a nice guy to you could be accused is by their partner, what the survivor goes through both during and after the relationship.
If so, I have a couple of great book recommendations for you. If you are survivor, and haven't gotten much formal support or read much about the topic, I think you will find the books extremely validating, putting words and explanations behind the things you experienced. If you're a therapist, friend or family member, spiritual/religious worker, parent, antiviolence activist or just concerned community member, I think these books will open your eyes to the realities of abuse and how abusers work/think as well as dispel a lot of common myths. Though also equip you with the awareness you need to provide support to the survivors in your life and community, and help you be part of the communitywide response to prevent and end domestic abuse.
1 The first book is by a man who has worked for decades during intervention programs for abusive men. His name is Lundy Bancroft and his book is an excellent examination of the underlying dynamics and tactics that happen in domestic violence. I refer this book to a lot of my clients and receive positive feedback. I also recommend it to counselors and other service providers who interact with victims/survivors and batterers but have limited knowledge understanding of domestic violence. I highly recommend it to you too.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
2 For people experienced relationships where something felt off, but you couldn't put your finger on it... or where emotional and verbal abuse have been central, but perhaps not physical or sexual abuse, I have another recommendation:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
What she describes as verbal abuse, I actually referred to as emotional or psychological abuse... but that's mostly semantics. This book is specifically at to the intricacies and subtleties of emotional abuse, which always accompanies physical abuse (though the reverse is not always the case). Emotional abuse can be harder for people to identify as abuse due to its insidious and manipulative nature, and the fact that it doesn't leave any marks. It can be difficult for people experiencing emotional/verbal abuse to articulate what happening and thus more difficult to get appropriate support from community members or helping professionals (a vast majority of who are not trained in domestic abuse anyway). As a survivor of emotionally abusive relationships, I found this book both validated my experiences, describing them with frightening accuracy, and articulated a simple and useful paradigm for understanding the mindset of an emotional abuser (power with versus power over mentalities).
3 okay, this one may not fit so well in easy-to-read category... but I highly recommend it for those of you smarty-pants who like more academic writing and wrapping your heads around intersecting modalities of violence, I suggest the book:
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman.
This book provides a look at some of the specific characteristics of long-term childhood abuse and draws parallels to abuse perpetrated in nonfamilial relationships, such as experiences of prisoners of war. It's been a long time since I read this book, so it's not fresh in my mind -- I'm overdue for a rereading. But I remember finding it extremely compelling on a personal level and fascinating on an intellectual level.
**Note: the first two books tend to a default assumption of domestic violence and abuse in heterosexual relationships, while acknowledging that abuse happens in queer relationships. That said, I think they're both still extremely relevant and a good starting place for some basic dynamics of domestic violence and abuse. I haven't read many specific books on DV in queer relationships (though I know there are some out there) and have learned tons from collabarations with a great local organization that does work with GLBTQ survivors of abuse. As for domestic violence in South Asian context, I've got a ton of information in my head, and there are also a couple good books out there -- if you're interested, I can send the titles to you.
If so, I have a couple of great book recommendations for you. If you are survivor, and haven't gotten much formal support or read much about the topic, I think you will find the books extremely validating, putting words and explanations behind the things you experienced. If you're a therapist, friend or family member, spiritual/religious worker, parent, antiviolence activist or just concerned community member, I think these books will open your eyes to the realities of abuse and how abusers work/think as well as dispel a lot of common myths. Though also equip you with the awareness you need to provide support to the survivors in your life and community, and help you be part of the communitywide response to prevent and end domestic abuse.
1 The first book is by a man who has worked for decades during intervention programs for abusive men. His name is Lundy Bancroft and his book is an excellent examination of the underlying dynamics and tactics that happen in domestic violence. I refer this book to a lot of my clients and receive positive feedback. I also recommend it to counselors and other service providers who interact with victims/survivors and batterers but have limited knowledge understanding of domestic violence. I highly recommend it to you too.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
2 For people experienced relationships where something felt off, but you couldn't put your finger on it... or where emotional and verbal abuse have been central, but perhaps not physical or sexual abuse, I have another recommendation:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
What she describes as verbal abuse, I actually referred to as emotional or psychological abuse... but that's mostly semantics. This book is specifically at to the intricacies and subtleties of emotional abuse, which always accompanies physical abuse (though the reverse is not always the case). Emotional abuse can be harder for people to identify as abuse due to its insidious and manipulative nature, and the fact that it doesn't leave any marks. It can be difficult for people experiencing emotional/verbal abuse to articulate what happening and thus more difficult to get appropriate support from community members or helping professionals (a vast majority of who are not trained in domestic abuse anyway). As a survivor of emotionally abusive relationships, I found this book both validated my experiences, describing them with frightening accuracy, and articulated a simple and useful paradigm for understanding the mindset of an emotional abuser (power with versus power over mentalities).
3 okay, this one may not fit so well in easy-to-read category... but I highly recommend it for those of you smarty-pants who like more academic writing and wrapping your heads around intersecting modalities of violence, I suggest the book:
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman.
This book provides a look at some of the specific characteristics of long-term childhood abuse and draws parallels to abuse perpetrated in nonfamilial relationships, such as experiences of prisoners of war. It's been a long time since I read this book, so it's not fresh in my mind -- I'm overdue for a rereading. But I remember finding it extremely compelling on a personal level and fascinating on an intellectual level.
**Note: the first two books tend to a default assumption of domestic violence and abuse in heterosexual relationships, while acknowledging that abuse happens in queer relationships. That said, I think they're both still extremely relevant and a good starting place for some basic dynamics of domestic violence and abuse. I haven't read many specific books on DV in queer relationships (though I know there are some out there) and have learned tons from collabarations with a great local organization that does work with GLBTQ survivors of abuse. As for domestic violence in South Asian context, I've got a ton of information in my head, and there are also a couple good books out there -- if you're interested, I can send the titles to you.