Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption
This morning, I woke up to an email from Dr. Rozas (my putative advisor at Trinity) telling me that two of her grant proposals were refused.
I spent about an hour total today crying or fighting back tears. I haven't had something hit me with such an emotional blow in... a long time. I couldn't even be enthusiastic about Obama today.
My tears were largely born of guilt and shame. This bears out what has been tickling at the back of my mind for a while now - going to Trinity is probably not a smart decision, academically and careerwise. But for my heart? It was the ONLY decision. So I couldn't manage to even consider denying MYSELF the chance to go to Trinity. I can't be that self-disciplined. Considering other options seemed like admitting there was a good chance it wouldn't happen. Oh, I rationalized, I argued, I reasoned, but in the end - I didn't want to admit that there was anything but Trinity.
My first reaction was to go to the GRE website and look at possible dates I could take it. It turns out this was the best impulse, and having talked to my advisor, my biochem professor, and both of my professors, I've got a plan in place. I have registered for a date to take the GRE (Dec 2) and I have looked at most of the top chemistry schools. I am limited by time (a lot of the BEST schools have application deadlines at the beginning of December) but there are a number of options still open to me, and so far I've got the following list:
To be clear, my Trinity hopes are not gone. She's applying for other grants, and still really wants me to come. However, this bucket of ice water has made me realize that I really probably *should* stay here and take advantage of our incredible schools. And be a part of the Obama revolution.
So while this extremely disappointing, I am not crushed to the ground. Will I miss all my Dublin loves? Of course. A lot. If I think about Niall and Dara and Paddy and Louise my stomach clenches uncomfortably with missing. But, you know, they won't disappear. I can go visit next summer, or take a postdoctorate position at Trinity. Who knows.
I'm still sad though :(
I spent about an hour total today crying or fighting back tears. I haven't had something hit me with such an emotional blow in... a long time. I couldn't even be enthusiastic about Obama today.
My tears were largely born of guilt and shame. This bears out what has been tickling at the back of my mind for a while now - going to Trinity is probably not a smart decision, academically and careerwise. But for my heart? It was the ONLY decision. So I couldn't manage to even consider denying MYSELF the chance to go to Trinity. I can't be that self-disciplined. Considering other options seemed like admitting there was a good chance it wouldn't happen. Oh, I rationalized, I argued, I reasoned, but in the end - I didn't want to admit that there was anything but Trinity.
My first reaction was to go to the GRE website and look at possible dates I could take it. It turns out this was the best impulse, and having talked to my advisor, my biochem professor, and both of my professors, I've got a plan in place. I have registered for a date to take the GRE (Dec 2) and I have looked at most of the top chemistry schools. I am limited by time (a lot of the BEST schools have application deadlines at the beginning of December) but there are a number of options still open to me, and so far I've got the following list:
- University of Michigan (Ann Arbor)
- Johns Hopkins University (Baltimore)
- University of Washington (Seattle)
To be clear, my Trinity hopes are not gone. She's applying for other grants, and still really wants me to come. However, this bucket of ice water has made me realize that I really probably *should* stay here and take advantage of our incredible schools. And be a part of the Obama revolution.
So while this extremely disappointing, I am not crushed to the ground. Will I miss all my Dublin loves? Of course. A lot. If I think about Niall and Dara and Paddy and Louise my stomach clenches uncomfortably with missing. But, you know, they won't disappear. I can go visit next summer, or take a postdoctorate position at Trinity. Who knows.
I'm still sad though :(