Lone Ranger
I'm in India for a (too) quick trip and I'm visiting an assortment of various extended relatives with my parents and catching up on family gossip in Kerala, apart from stuffing myself silly with brilliant food. The meet-his-parents session in Bangalore went well, I think; I would have to confirm this with Ritwik once I'm back.
There's something about coming back to India which puts me at ease, and this is true irrespective of where I visit within India. It might be the fact that I'm taking a break from the frenetic, mindless routines that Singapore lures one into, or the distance from my little universe, allowing me to view my own life from a more objective angle. This time, it's certainly thanks to this abundance of time to ruminate, without feeling the need to express my thoughts to anyone (except to the LJ, when I feel like it)
I'm two weeks away from my birthday and it shocks me to think of how much I've changed in the span of a year. The overly bubbly, unflinchingly extroverted, boundlessly energetic social butterfly has given way to a discontented, searching, questioning brooder who's looking for some serious change. I'd been wondering what might be the root cause for this metamorphosis and the answer came to me a few minutes ago, at 1am when I tip-toed my way in darkness across to the kitchen of my relatives' house to fetch a glass of water.
All my heroes have fallen; I need new role models to be inspired by, to aspire to emulate. I have also suddenly discovered an innate disdain for what I used to do quite often and what helped me be the perfect socializer - doing what everyone else is doing, even if better. When you have the same goals and same fears and same dreams as those with whom you associate, you enjoy yourself in their company and you become the perfect mirror for their own aspirations, aka, popular. Somewhere during my lone travels in Europe and my truly independent and fulfilling stay in London, I discovered my own voice and I came back to Singapore to find it in dissonance with many of those whom I previously wholeheartedly identified with, aka, to find myself not-so-popular. (I kid, my friends still love me and I love them - heh)
Now, I do not say this in any manner of superiority or smugness. Assuredly, over the past few months, I have tormented myself with this simple question - why can't I just want those things that normal folks wish for? I am aware that there are others who're going through this same thought process (eeks, this is so pop-culture, quarter-life crisis and all) but they certainly seem to be doing a better job of masking it with alcohol and consumerism - I clearly missed the memo on 'How to Deal with Stupid Thoughts Floating in your Head'.
I've pondered on my obstinence to rescind that which seems so achievable to me, and yet so enviable to many who are not in my position, and I am not sure I have the answers yet. This seemingly ceaseless vicious cycle of whys and hows is anything but pleasant and I sometimes wish I could just reclaim my perfect bubble of happiness and never get into this unchartered territory. But ignorance is like virginity - once lost, it cannot be re-attained.
What makes it so hard is that this is such a lone battle - figuring oneself out, having the conviction to follow up on one's true desires, rather than hiding under the veneer of perfection as per the rest of the world, dealing with all the are-you-nuts looks when expounding about the crazy idea that could possibly, but not probably, give one a sense of purpose. There's no find-yourself-template I can Google up and fill in for my life, no senior I can call up and ask, 'Hey XYZ, how did you go about this?'. There's no 'Dummy's Guide to..' and no gyaan guru or self-help book which tells one to follow steps 1 to 10 to come upon your moment of epiphany (Bah, humbug!). Well, they say it's all a process and I'm going through it now, and I hope to find a middle ground between the realities of being all grown-up and the whims of a wandering mind.
Speaking of processes towards self-discovery, 2008 is certainly shaping upto be the dramatic, defining year as I'd anticipated at the beginning of this year, but I believe in not jinxing a good thing by discussing it prematurely.
So this is a very lost me, signing off two weeks before she gets still older - bloody hell, time flies. If you find my "true self" or "my purpose in life" wandering about, please report immediately.