To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing, 27: Release
Title: To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
Dare me to jump and I will/I'll fall from your grace/But I'll never let go of your hand/I'll never let go of your hand
*~*~*
I woke up to the sound of my cell buzzing on the nightstand. I reached for it, held it to her ear, and mumbled, "Hello?"
"Bells?"
I opened my eyes further, propping myself up on my elbow. "Dad? Is everything okay?"
"Of course. I just wanted to talk to you, to tell you I want to talk to the Cullen's today. I can't put it off."
I sighed, rubbed a hand over my eyes. "Dad, I'm going over there again today. Can you at least make it later today? I'm trying to help Edward remember… something. Anything. I know he can't talk to you; he's not ready."
I was scared to death how he would react if Charlie questioned him and what he might give away.
"How are they?" he asked after agreeing that he could talk to the Cullen's, but not Edward.
"As well as can be expected," I said tiredly. I glanced out the window at the rain and wind-blown trees. "They're holding up, trying anything they can to jog Edward's memory. They're also hurting, but that's to be expected."
"And how are you feeling?" Charlie asked getting right to the point.
I swallowed with some difficulty. "I don't know. It's really hard, but I'm trying to do what I can."
"It's not up to you alone, honey, to make him better. I know you mean well and that's a good thing, but don't let this rest solely on your shoulders."
"I know," I sighed. "I'm trying. I… I can't really talk about it right now. I'm still just trying to process everything."
"Okay," he said, letting the subject drop. "You're still with Jake, right?" he asked casually.
"Um… yes," I said. "Why?" I knew why, but I didn't really want to discuss this with him right now.
"No reason. Call me later when you're done whatever you're doing there, okay? I'll come over."
I agreed and hung up. I really didn't feel like getting up. The rainy weather made me feel even more tired. I lay back down, rolled over and gazed at Jake. He never even woke up while I was on the phone; he was out completely. I brushed his hair back, my eyes tracing the planes of his face. I stretched out, still watching him, until I dozed off again.
When I woke later, it was still raining, but I felt a little more awake. I yawned and saw Jake beginning to stir as well. "Morning," he murmured sleepily, his eyes still closed.
"Morning," I said, snuggling into the warmth of his arms, tempting me to stay there and not face another day of uncertainty and more grief. He smoothed my hair, playing with the strands.
I had vague impressions of blank eyes and hard vampire skin in my nightmares. The nightmares were upsetting, but I felt bad that Jake was affected as well because he had to wake me up and try to calm me down. I brushed a finger over the skin under his eye; the circles weren't as pronounced so it must have been a better night.
"Did I wake you up last night?" I asked.
"Only once. You went back to sleep pretty quickly."
"Why don't you sleep a little more?" I suggested. "I feel bad disrupting you during the night."
"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'm okay. I got a better night sleep last night anyway, so I feel fine." He stretched and rolled out of bed. "Plus I'm hungry."
I smiled slightly. He was always hungry.
We ate breakfast, and I took my cup of tea out to Sue's little deck. I rather liked the idea of being able to sit outside and see the ocean in the distance to one side and the forest on the other. The rain pinged off the roof as I curled up in the cushioned chair; Jake perched on the other one with a can of soda.
"So… what happened yesterday?" he asked. He was rubbing a finger along the condensation on the can.
I dunked my teabag a few times, feeling the steam on my face. "He painted a picture for me. It was of me standing in the room, and he noticed how I was reaching for you at the time."
"Did that bother him?" Jake asked his brow furrowed.
"Not that I noticed," I replied. "He just seemed matter-of-fact about it. He was happy that I came again, though."
We were both quiet again.
"We didn't do too much, just spent time together. He played the piano for awhile which he had always enjoyed doing. He picked it up again rather easily, and I noticed he started playing my lullaby."
"He was playing your lullaby?"
"He wrote it for me back before you and I started spending time together," I said quietly. "He used to hum it for me." Jake was looking away, not quite meeting my eyes, and I realized that bothered him.
I swallowed my tea with some difficulty, not knowing what to say to make the memories of my time with Edward easier for him. "Go on," he finally said.
"Well, I asked him if he remembered, considering he was playing it, and he reacted weird. He said that they did something to him when they heard him hum it, and he got… angry. His teeth were bared; it was kind of frightening…"
"What? Bella, did he hurt you?"
Shocked, I stared at him. "No! No, Jake, it wasn't like that. Alice and Jasper were there, and they stepped between us just to make sure… but he wasn't trying to hurt me. I mean, he seemed a little off, but he swore to me that he would never hurt me."
Jake was angry, pacing up and down the little porch now. "And you trust that?"
"Jake, if he wanted to hurt me he would have tried. I mean, he just turned to me like that because remembering that had upset him, but he didn't try to go after me."
He calmed down a little. "He really didn't try?"
"He really didn't," I assured him. "I wouldn't be going back today if he had."
He sat back down.
"So, Alice hasn't seen anything yet?" he asked more calmly.
"No, she hasn't. I don't know what's going to happen; from what the Cullen's have witnessed, they want Edward back. I think that's their main goal, so they would go where the Cullen's go, not come here for me."
There was a weighty pause.
"For you? What the hell do you mean?" His voice was too calm.
I froze, scrambling to remember. I had thought Jake knew that…
"I… um… I thought I had told you that. When I went to rescue Edward when he was in Italy, they had said I had to be turned because I knew about vampires."
Jake's voice was like a whip crack, and I jumped in shock. "Are you fucking kidding me?" His voice was shaking, and his body began vibrating.
"Jake!" I cried. With no other thought than to calm him down, I jumped up and reached out to touch him.
"Bella…" his voice was choked. "Don't…"
I watched him, my eyes blurry, letting him see me right in front of him in hopes that would help calm him down. The bones in his face seemed to quiver and shift as he struggled not to phase. His eyes met mine and we held each other's gaze until he was breathing regularly again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered miserably.
"How could you not tell me something like that? What, were you waiting until they were about to kill you before saying, 'Oh, by the way, I have to become a leech now?' Bella…"
I forced my lips to stop quivering; he had a right to be upset, and I wasn't going to make it worse by crying.
"Jake, I was an idiot, I know that. You knew around my graduation time that I wanted to become a vampire. I had that threat by the Volturi looming over my head, but it was planned that Edward would be the one to turn me. They didn't seem to think the Volturi were in any hurry to make good on the threat, but I didn't want to be any older than Edward in human years. I guess I rationalized you didn't need to know what happened in Volterra because I wanted to be changed regardless.
I was still torn even after Edward and I had gotten engaged about what to do with my feelings for you. I was always so positive that I wanted and needed Edward, but I still had some uncertainty about telling you this because of how much I loved you. But after Edward was taken, nothing much registered with me for so long, you know that. I broke down and it took so long to even begin to heal. You helped me do that and when you and I started dating, I was so happy, Jake. I didn't think I would ever be happy again knowing Edward could very easily be suffering at the same time.
It's still hard to know that. But regardless, I had buried some things, healed over others and I didn't want the negativity of thinking bad thoughts, I guess. I don't think that was a conscious decision, it was just a defense mechanism. It was a mistake, but I'm still learning and growing, Jake. I never meant to keep something like that from you after all we had been through together. I had just been on overload. I really was planning on telling you after I talked to Alice about it yesterday."
I stopped talking, biting my lip, as I waited for him to say something. He was just staring out toward the ocean, but he looked less angry.
He sounded tired when he answered. "Bella, I get it in a way. This doesn't fix the issue, but I know you have been through a lot. So have I, though."
"I know you have, and you know how much I dislike having made you suffer so much for my problems. And before you say anything, I know it was your choice, but I can still feel sorry for that."
He nodded. "You know I'll fight anything that threatens your life, Bella."
I sighed a little. "I know you would, but I think the Cullen's should handle the Volturi. Alice had said yesterday before I left that they would take care of this, freeing me from this threat, by destroying them somewhere else. I know the pack are built for this, but I would rather avoid further threat to anyone else we care about."
Jake wavered a little; I knew it was hard for him to accept letting the Cullen's handle something, especially in regards to me, but he knew he couldn't put his brothers' lives on the line for no reason.
He nodded reluctantly. "Fine, but if they fuck this up, we'll go in and take care of it." The anger hardened his face, and I nodded despite my hesitation.
We both sat quietly, and then I got up and slid onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. After a slight hesitation, his arms went around my waist. I laid my head on his chest. "I'm sorry," I murmured.
He rubbed a hand down my back. "I know you are. It doesn't solve anything, but we'll figure it out." I could still hear the frustration and fear in his voice, but he held me tighter, kissing my hair.
We stayed there like that for awhile, neither of us quite willing to let go of the other.
*~*~*
When I reached the Cullen's, Edward had finally begun venturing outside of his bedroom. He was playing the piano again, his eyes focused, and a slight frown on his face as he concentrated. His face cleared when he saw me and he smiled.
"Bella," he said reaching a hand out to me.
I couldn't help but smile back at his happiness in seeing me. "I wrote a new song," he said. He began playing and the song seemed to swell and shimmer in the air.
When Edward was done, I grinned. "That was beautiful; simple and elegant."
Alice still looked strained, but I could see she was pleased that Edward was at least enjoying himself. She seemed to be a bit on edge, though, so I asked her what was wrong.
"I keep getting this tickling feeling, like I'm going to have a vision, but I don't. I keep wondering if one is trying to come through." She looked extremely frustrated.
I frowned, turning back to watch Edward still playing. "Hey Alice? What if I took him to the meadow where he showed me what he was? It had special meaning for the both of us; I wonder if that can trigger something."
She glanced at Jasper, and he shrugged. "It couldn't hurt, but we'll be going with you," he said.
I nodded, knowing they felt they had to. "Edward?" I called out when there was a lull in the music. "Do you feel like hiking to a meadow in the forest? We used to spend time there together and thought maybe it could help."
He barely hesitated before agreeing.
Jasper drove us to the path, and the four of us began walking to reach the meadow. I only hoped I could still find it. It was strange to be walking the woods with them considering how fast they could move, but they kept pace until we reached a spot that seemed familiar. It wasn't too much longer and we were in the meadow.
The memories flooded me - of lounging in the meadow with Edward as he showed me what he could do and tried to scare me off, of when I knew he was in love with me, and then trying to convince him we could be together without him hurting me. It seemed like a lifetime ago. The wind whispered through the tall grass, and the scattering of blue and yellow flowers were beginning to fade since summer would soon be over. It was still a pretty sight, though, and I turned to look at Edward.
What I saw shocked me; he was waging an internal battle with himself. It was like a memory was trying to be drawn to the surface, but he couldn't quite get it there. I could hear the low growl in his throat, and his teeth snapped in frustration. I reached out to try and ease him, but Jasper gently pushed me away.
"Bella…" he said warningly. "I don't think that's such a good idea."
"But it might help him," I said worriedly.
Jasper allowed me to reach out to Edward, but he stayed between us. Edward clasped my hand as if clinging to a lifeline, and I felt my heart crack a little more. Suddenly, his grip tightened, and he stared at me in surprise.
"I remember… laying here in the field. We were surrounded by flowers, and I couldn't seem to stop staring at you. I kept thinking I was so lucky - a monster, but lucky to love someone so pure and beautiful. You told me you loved me."
Alice, Jasper, and I stared at each other in amazement. "You… really remember that," I whispered.
"I do," he said and his face lightened into happiness again. "That's good, right?"
"That's extremely good," Alice said a smile spreading.
Edward seemed to fumble a little as he wandered around the meadow. "Wait, where are we?" he asked in a small voice.
I could feel hope fade, and I could see it mirrored on Alice and Jasper's face. Then Jasper said, "It's okay, Edward. You're safe."
He turned to us. "I never thought if he was able to get a memory of the past that it would all suddenly come flooding back. He's bound to revert back to confusion, but this has to be a good sign. It's a start, right?"
We thought about that and agreed.
It was a start.
*~*~*
The following few days were fraught with too much emotion as I spent a chunk of those days with Edward, worried about how he would turn out, about how they would be leaving soon with nothing resolved between us, about what the Volturi was doing, and trying to be strong for my dad and Jake. Charlie had come to the Cullen's the evening he had called, and true to his word, he had questioned Carlisle and Esme over and over.
"Chief Swan," Carlisle had said. "I wish I could give you more information. We have traveled pretty much around the world looking for our son, using what resources we had, and we finally just got an anonymous tip about where to find him. When we got to him, he was confused and still is. Bella has been kind enough to help him - and us - and he just recently remembered a time when they were together. If we can get information from him - without further damaging his fragile stability - you will be the first person we inform."
Charlie had reluctantly nodded. "All right, Dr. Cullen. I know you don't have much to work with, but it's police procedure. Please let me know if you find anything out, and I wish Edward well."
Esme smiled at him. "Thank you."
"Bells, I'll see you tonight for dinner, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'll be over around six."
As Charlie was walking out, I glanced up and saw Edward standing at the top of the stairs, head cocked to the side and staring at Charlie.
Charlie had turned, brows furrowed, and he looked up at Edward. There was a brief silence from everyone as Edward continued to stare at him. "Good bye, Chief Swan," Edward said finally. I wasn't sure what to make of that, but Edward didn't seem upset or threatened, so I wondered if he had a vague memory.
Emmett had glanced up at Edward when Charlie left. "Do you remember something about Chief Swan?" he asked calmly.
Edward frowned. "Sort of. I got the feeling he isn't too fond of me."
I sighed. He was right; Charlie never had been fond of him that much. This was a good thing, though. I mean he was remembering something else, but it wasn't really something I wanted him to remember.
The other days had been unsuccessful, but I had a few other places I had planned to take him soon. Today Edward didn't seem to want to go anywhere and looked ill at ease. I picked up my bag and Emmett glanced up at me.
"Bella, I wonder if seeing and talking to Jacob would trigger something. There was obvious animosity between the two of them. Do you think he would…?"
I fiddled with the wolf on my bracelet. "I'm not so sure Jake would go for that."
"Why not? He might be bothered talking to my brother after he started sleeping with his fiancée?" Rose said coolly.
I flashed a furious look at her, and Alice snapped, "Rose!"
"Rosalie, that's enough," Carlisle said. "Bella had every right to move on, and in fact we told her to."
"Jake's not like that," I said with a touch of acid in my voice. "He's a good person, one of the best people I know, and he helped me more than I could ever say."
"Did you have trouble moving right into a physical relationship with him? Did you give Edward a passing thought?" Her tone was still icy and it was pissing me off further.
"Do you even have to ask me that?" I snapped, cutting Alice's response to Rose off. "I moved on for my own sake, and only because Alice told me to, and I struggled with dating and falling in love with Jacob because of how I feel about Edward. It's always been difficult, but Jake makes me happy, and I'm in love with him regardless."
"We don't blame you, Bella," Emmett said. He laid a hand on Rose's shoulder. "Its been hard for all of us, knowing what Edward has been through, and knowing in the end someone is going to be hurt."
"I know," I said, tears nearly choking me. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know that's not possible."
I felt Esme slip an arm around my shoulders, and I turned into her hug and leaned my forehead on her cool, rock-hard shoulder. We were interrupted by a crash; Alice had dropped a vase and her face was pinched and her eyes blank.
We stared at her as Jasper eased her down onto a chair. After what felt like forever, she glanced up at all of us, her eyes haunted.
"What did you see, Alice?" Carlisle asked urgently.
"It… they were discussing something. I couldn't make it out, but I'm pretty sure it was about how to get Edward back. In the midst of the discussion, Aro glanced toward the side, and mouthed "Be aware." I… I also realized…"
She paused, turning to grip Jasper's hand. He brushed her hair back. "What?" he asked gently.
"I realized they meant to take me as well."
*~*~*
When I got back to Sue's house, my whole body ached with tension. The new revelation Alice had made things more worrisome. Edward had said when we were in Italy that Aro, Caius, and Marcus had wanted Edward and Alice to both join the Volturi. We had never considered they were looking for Alice as well when Edward was taken.
I had no idea why Aro kept warning Alice in her visions either; it just made no sense considering he had been the leader of the three. It was so confusing, and Edward's attachment to me was as strong as it had been when we were together, which made things even harder. The trip down memory lane was hurting me a great deal, but I would continue to help him as long as I could. I owed him that much, didn't I? I owed him so much and the guilt didn't make it easy.
I went into the bedroom, opened my underwear drawer, riffled around under the underwear in the corner and extracted Edward's ring. My chin shook, and I swallowed with difficulty, as I stared down at the beautiful diamond ring. I held it, feeling the little weight in the palm of my hand. On a small sigh, I stood and put it back where it belonged.
When Jake got home, he found me sitting in the dark kitchen, with no other company except my thoughts. He took one look at me and extended his hand to me.
"What…" I managed to say, taking his hand, before he hauled me up and led me outside.
"Jake, what are you doing? Where are we going?" I asked as he lifted me bodily into my truck.
"You'll see," he said as he got in the driver's side and drove to the cliffs.
Confused, I turned to him, but he wouldn't answer my questions as he led me down the path to the top of the cliffs. It was a beautiful night which was sort of rare. Did he want to bring me here to stargaze or something? There weren't many; it was still a bit cloudy.
He led me close to the edge, but not too close. He took my arms and turned me to face the ocean. "Let it out," he ordered.
"What?" I asked confused. I turned to face him puzzled at his actions.
"Bella, will you stop trying to be so fucking strong. Crying doesn't mean you're weak. I won't break if you cry. Just because you had a breakdown when all this went down doesn't mean you will again. You're stronger than you were, and you have good friends and family who love you. You have a right to be upset, so just let it out."
I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks below and the night sounds of creatures in the forest.
"Jake, I don't need to…" I protested, stunned at what he was doing.
"We're not leaving until you do. I know you need a release of some sort right now, so just go for it."
"Jake…" I tried one more time.
"Bella!" His voice was sharp as he spun me around one last time to face the open air.
The emotions raced through me as I thought about what he said, about what he wanted me to do. I had bottled up so damn much because I didn't want to hurt him.
I heard a piercing sound break through the night air, and after a moment of shock, I realized the sound was coming from me. The grief, the anger, and the fear poured out of me in a raging and pained scream. My ears were ringing, my eyes were streaming, and I couldn't seem to stop the scream. It was for everything unfair that had happened to all of us especially Edward. When my throat was raw and aching, I stopped. The silence was deafening.
The tears poured down my cheeks in an unending torrent. I sank to my knees on the rocks, no longer able to stand. I wept so hard and long, and I felt Jake move beside me and then I was in his arms. When the tears finally slowed, I just stayed there, wrapped in Jake's arms as the night sounds began again.
*~*~*
AN: I know these chapters have been a bit angsty, so I just wanted to hear some feedback. There were/are some issues I want(ed) to cover before things get a little crazy, but it's not going to be too much longer before getting into the nitty-gritty. I just wanted to see how everyone was feeling, if you think things are progressing well enough.
Chapter 28
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
Dare me to jump and I will/I'll fall from your grace/But I'll never let go of your hand/I'll never let go of your hand
*~*~*
I woke up to the sound of my cell buzzing on the nightstand. I reached for it, held it to her ear, and mumbled, "Hello?"
"Bells?"
I opened my eyes further, propping myself up on my elbow. "Dad? Is everything okay?"
"Of course. I just wanted to talk to you, to tell you I want to talk to the Cullen's today. I can't put it off."
I sighed, rubbed a hand over my eyes. "Dad, I'm going over there again today. Can you at least make it later today? I'm trying to help Edward remember… something. Anything. I know he can't talk to you; he's not ready."
I was scared to death how he would react if Charlie questioned him and what he might give away.
"How are they?" he asked after agreeing that he could talk to the Cullen's, but not Edward.
"As well as can be expected," I said tiredly. I glanced out the window at the rain and wind-blown trees. "They're holding up, trying anything they can to jog Edward's memory. They're also hurting, but that's to be expected."
"And how are you feeling?" Charlie asked getting right to the point.
I swallowed with some difficulty. "I don't know. It's really hard, but I'm trying to do what I can."
"It's not up to you alone, honey, to make him better. I know you mean well and that's a good thing, but don't let this rest solely on your shoulders."
"I know," I sighed. "I'm trying. I… I can't really talk about it right now. I'm still just trying to process everything."
"Okay," he said, letting the subject drop. "You're still with Jake, right?" he asked casually.
"Um… yes," I said. "Why?" I knew why, but I didn't really want to discuss this with him right now.
"No reason. Call me later when you're done whatever you're doing there, okay? I'll come over."
I agreed and hung up. I really didn't feel like getting up. The rainy weather made me feel even more tired. I lay back down, rolled over and gazed at Jake. He never even woke up while I was on the phone; he was out completely. I brushed his hair back, my eyes tracing the planes of his face. I stretched out, still watching him, until I dozed off again.
When I woke later, it was still raining, but I felt a little more awake. I yawned and saw Jake beginning to stir as well. "Morning," he murmured sleepily, his eyes still closed.
"Morning," I said, snuggling into the warmth of his arms, tempting me to stay there and not face another day of uncertainty and more grief. He smoothed my hair, playing with the strands.
I had vague impressions of blank eyes and hard vampire skin in my nightmares. The nightmares were upsetting, but I felt bad that Jake was affected as well because he had to wake me up and try to calm me down. I brushed a finger over the skin under his eye; the circles weren't as pronounced so it must have been a better night.
"Did I wake you up last night?" I asked.
"Only once. You went back to sleep pretty quickly."
"Why don't you sleep a little more?" I suggested. "I feel bad disrupting you during the night."
"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'm okay. I got a better night sleep last night anyway, so I feel fine." He stretched and rolled out of bed. "Plus I'm hungry."
I smiled slightly. He was always hungry.
We ate breakfast, and I took my cup of tea out to Sue's little deck. I rather liked the idea of being able to sit outside and see the ocean in the distance to one side and the forest on the other. The rain pinged off the roof as I curled up in the cushioned chair; Jake perched on the other one with a can of soda.
"So… what happened yesterday?" he asked. He was rubbing a finger along the condensation on the can.
I dunked my teabag a few times, feeling the steam on my face. "He painted a picture for me. It was of me standing in the room, and he noticed how I was reaching for you at the time."
"Did that bother him?" Jake asked his brow furrowed.
"Not that I noticed," I replied. "He just seemed matter-of-fact about it. He was happy that I came again, though."
We were both quiet again.
"We didn't do too much, just spent time together. He played the piano for awhile which he had always enjoyed doing. He picked it up again rather easily, and I noticed he started playing my lullaby."
"He was playing your lullaby?"
"He wrote it for me back before you and I started spending time together," I said quietly. "He used to hum it for me." Jake was looking away, not quite meeting my eyes, and I realized that bothered him.
I swallowed my tea with some difficulty, not knowing what to say to make the memories of my time with Edward easier for him. "Go on," he finally said.
"Well, I asked him if he remembered, considering he was playing it, and he reacted weird. He said that they did something to him when they heard him hum it, and he got… angry. His teeth were bared; it was kind of frightening…"
"What? Bella, did he hurt you?"
Shocked, I stared at him. "No! No, Jake, it wasn't like that. Alice and Jasper were there, and they stepped between us just to make sure… but he wasn't trying to hurt me. I mean, he seemed a little off, but he swore to me that he would never hurt me."
Jake was angry, pacing up and down the little porch now. "And you trust that?"
"Jake, if he wanted to hurt me he would have tried. I mean, he just turned to me like that because remembering that had upset him, but he didn't try to go after me."
He calmed down a little. "He really didn't try?"
"He really didn't," I assured him. "I wouldn't be going back today if he had."
He sat back down.
"So, Alice hasn't seen anything yet?" he asked more calmly.
"No, she hasn't. I don't know what's going to happen; from what the Cullen's have witnessed, they want Edward back. I think that's their main goal, so they would go where the Cullen's go, not come here for me."
There was a weighty pause.
"For you? What the hell do you mean?" His voice was too calm.
I froze, scrambling to remember. I had thought Jake knew that…
"I… um… I thought I had told you that. When I went to rescue Edward when he was in Italy, they had said I had to be turned because I knew about vampires."
Jake's voice was like a whip crack, and I jumped in shock. "Are you fucking kidding me?" His voice was shaking, and his body began vibrating.
"Jake!" I cried. With no other thought than to calm him down, I jumped up and reached out to touch him.
"Bella…" his voice was choked. "Don't…"
I watched him, my eyes blurry, letting him see me right in front of him in hopes that would help calm him down. The bones in his face seemed to quiver and shift as he struggled not to phase. His eyes met mine and we held each other's gaze until he was breathing regularly again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered miserably.
"How could you not tell me something like that? What, were you waiting until they were about to kill you before saying, 'Oh, by the way, I have to become a leech now?' Bella…"
I forced my lips to stop quivering; he had a right to be upset, and I wasn't going to make it worse by crying.
"Jake, I was an idiot, I know that. You knew around my graduation time that I wanted to become a vampire. I had that threat by the Volturi looming over my head, but it was planned that Edward would be the one to turn me. They didn't seem to think the Volturi were in any hurry to make good on the threat, but I didn't want to be any older than Edward in human years. I guess I rationalized you didn't need to know what happened in Volterra because I wanted to be changed regardless.
I was still torn even after Edward and I had gotten engaged about what to do with my feelings for you. I was always so positive that I wanted and needed Edward, but I still had some uncertainty about telling you this because of how much I loved you. But after Edward was taken, nothing much registered with me for so long, you know that. I broke down and it took so long to even begin to heal. You helped me do that and when you and I started dating, I was so happy, Jake. I didn't think I would ever be happy again knowing Edward could very easily be suffering at the same time.
It's still hard to know that. But regardless, I had buried some things, healed over others and I didn't want the negativity of thinking bad thoughts, I guess. I don't think that was a conscious decision, it was just a defense mechanism. It was a mistake, but I'm still learning and growing, Jake. I never meant to keep something like that from you after all we had been through together. I had just been on overload. I really was planning on telling you after I talked to Alice about it yesterday."
I stopped talking, biting my lip, as I waited for him to say something. He was just staring out toward the ocean, but he looked less angry.
He sounded tired when he answered. "Bella, I get it in a way. This doesn't fix the issue, but I know you have been through a lot. So have I, though."
"I know you have, and you know how much I dislike having made you suffer so much for my problems. And before you say anything, I know it was your choice, but I can still feel sorry for that."
He nodded. "You know I'll fight anything that threatens your life, Bella."
I sighed a little. "I know you would, but I think the Cullen's should handle the Volturi. Alice had said yesterday before I left that they would take care of this, freeing me from this threat, by destroying them somewhere else. I know the pack are built for this, but I would rather avoid further threat to anyone else we care about."
Jake wavered a little; I knew it was hard for him to accept letting the Cullen's handle something, especially in regards to me, but he knew he couldn't put his brothers' lives on the line for no reason.
He nodded reluctantly. "Fine, but if they fuck this up, we'll go in and take care of it." The anger hardened his face, and I nodded despite my hesitation.
We both sat quietly, and then I got up and slid onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. After a slight hesitation, his arms went around my waist. I laid my head on his chest. "I'm sorry," I murmured.
He rubbed a hand down my back. "I know you are. It doesn't solve anything, but we'll figure it out." I could still hear the frustration and fear in his voice, but he held me tighter, kissing my hair.
We stayed there like that for awhile, neither of us quite willing to let go of the other.
*~*~*
When I reached the Cullen's, Edward had finally begun venturing outside of his bedroom. He was playing the piano again, his eyes focused, and a slight frown on his face as he concentrated. His face cleared when he saw me and he smiled.
"Bella," he said reaching a hand out to me.
I couldn't help but smile back at his happiness in seeing me. "I wrote a new song," he said. He began playing and the song seemed to swell and shimmer in the air.
When Edward was done, I grinned. "That was beautiful; simple and elegant."
Alice still looked strained, but I could see she was pleased that Edward was at least enjoying himself. She seemed to be a bit on edge, though, so I asked her what was wrong.
"I keep getting this tickling feeling, like I'm going to have a vision, but I don't. I keep wondering if one is trying to come through." She looked extremely frustrated.
I frowned, turning back to watch Edward still playing. "Hey Alice? What if I took him to the meadow where he showed me what he was? It had special meaning for the both of us; I wonder if that can trigger something."
She glanced at Jasper, and he shrugged. "It couldn't hurt, but we'll be going with you," he said.
I nodded, knowing they felt they had to. "Edward?" I called out when there was a lull in the music. "Do you feel like hiking to a meadow in the forest? We used to spend time there together and thought maybe it could help."
He barely hesitated before agreeing.
Jasper drove us to the path, and the four of us began walking to reach the meadow. I only hoped I could still find it. It was strange to be walking the woods with them considering how fast they could move, but they kept pace until we reached a spot that seemed familiar. It wasn't too much longer and we were in the meadow.
The memories flooded me - of lounging in the meadow with Edward as he showed me what he could do and tried to scare me off, of when I knew he was in love with me, and then trying to convince him we could be together without him hurting me. It seemed like a lifetime ago. The wind whispered through the tall grass, and the scattering of blue and yellow flowers were beginning to fade since summer would soon be over. It was still a pretty sight, though, and I turned to look at Edward.
What I saw shocked me; he was waging an internal battle with himself. It was like a memory was trying to be drawn to the surface, but he couldn't quite get it there. I could hear the low growl in his throat, and his teeth snapped in frustration. I reached out to try and ease him, but Jasper gently pushed me away.
"Bella…" he said warningly. "I don't think that's such a good idea."
"But it might help him," I said worriedly.
Jasper allowed me to reach out to Edward, but he stayed between us. Edward clasped my hand as if clinging to a lifeline, and I felt my heart crack a little more. Suddenly, his grip tightened, and he stared at me in surprise.
"I remember… laying here in the field. We were surrounded by flowers, and I couldn't seem to stop staring at you. I kept thinking I was so lucky - a monster, but lucky to love someone so pure and beautiful. You told me you loved me."
Alice, Jasper, and I stared at each other in amazement. "You… really remember that," I whispered.
"I do," he said and his face lightened into happiness again. "That's good, right?"
"That's extremely good," Alice said a smile spreading.
Edward seemed to fumble a little as he wandered around the meadow. "Wait, where are we?" he asked in a small voice.
I could feel hope fade, and I could see it mirrored on Alice and Jasper's face. Then Jasper said, "It's okay, Edward. You're safe."
He turned to us. "I never thought if he was able to get a memory of the past that it would all suddenly come flooding back. He's bound to revert back to confusion, but this has to be a good sign. It's a start, right?"
We thought about that and agreed.
It was a start.
*~*~*
The following few days were fraught with too much emotion as I spent a chunk of those days with Edward, worried about how he would turn out, about how they would be leaving soon with nothing resolved between us, about what the Volturi was doing, and trying to be strong for my dad and Jake. Charlie had come to the Cullen's the evening he had called, and true to his word, he had questioned Carlisle and Esme over and over.
"Chief Swan," Carlisle had said. "I wish I could give you more information. We have traveled pretty much around the world looking for our son, using what resources we had, and we finally just got an anonymous tip about where to find him. When we got to him, he was confused and still is. Bella has been kind enough to help him - and us - and he just recently remembered a time when they were together. If we can get information from him - without further damaging his fragile stability - you will be the first person we inform."
Charlie had reluctantly nodded. "All right, Dr. Cullen. I know you don't have much to work with, but it's police procedure. Please let me know if you find anything out, and I wish Edward well."
Esme smiled at him. "Thank you."
"Bells, I'll see you tonight for dinner, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'll be over around six."
As Charlie was walking out, I glanced up and saw Edward standing at the top of the stairs, head cocked to the side and staring at Charlie.
Charlie had turned, brows furrowed, and he looked up at Edward. There was a brief silence from everyone as Edward continued to stare at him. "Good bye, Chief Swan," Edward said finally. I wasn't sure what to make of that, but Edward didn't seem upset or threatened, so I wondered if he had a vague memory.
Emmett had glanced up at Edward when Charlie left. "Do you remember something about Chief Swan?" he asked calmly.
Edward frowned. "Sort of. I got the feeling he isn't too fond of me."
I sighed. He was right; Charlie never had been fond of him that much. This was a good thing, though. I mean he was remembering something else, but it wasn't really something I wanted him to remember.
The other days had been unsuccessful, but I had a few other places I had planned to take him soon. Today Edward didn't seem to want to go anywhere and looked ill at ease. I picked up my bag and Emmett glanced up at me.
"Bella, I wonder if seeing and talking to Jacob would trigger something. There was obvious animosity between the two of them. Do you think he would…?"
I fiddled with the wolf on my bracelet. "I'm not so sure Jake would go for that."
"Why not? He might be bothered talking to my brother after he started sleeping with his fiancée?" Rose said coolly.
I flashed a furious look at her, and Alice snapped, "Rose!"
"Rosalie, that's enough," Carlisle said. "Bella had every right to move on, and in fact we told her to."
"Jake's not like that," I said with a touch of acid in my voice. "He's a good person, one of the best people I know, and he helped me more than I could ever say."
"Did you have trouble moving right into a physical relationship with him? Did you give Edward a passing thought?" Her tone was still icy and it was pissing me off further.
"Do you even have to ask me that?" I snapped, cutting Alice's response to Rose off. "I moved on for my own sake, and only because Alice told me to, and I struggled with dating and falling in love with Jacob because of how I feel about Edward. It's always been difficult, but Jake makes me happy, and I'm in love with him regardless."
"We don't blame you, Bella," Emmett said. He laid a hand on Rose's shoulder. "Its been hard for all of us, knowing what Edward has been through, and knowing in the end someone is going to be hurt."
"I know," I said, tears nearly choking me. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know that's not possible."
I felt Esme slip an arm around my shoulders, and I turned into her hug and leaned my forehead on her cool, rock-hard shoulder. We were interrupted by a crash; Alice had dropped a vase and her face was pinched and her eyes blank.
We stared at her as Jasper eased her down onto a chair. After what felt like forever, she glanced up at all of us, her eyes haunted.
"What did you see, Alice?" Carlisle asked urgently.
"It… they were discussing something. I couldn't make it out, but I'm pretty sure it was about how to get Edward back. In the midst of the discussion, Aro glanced toward the side, and mouthed "Be aware." I… I also realized…"
She paused, turning to grip Jasper's hand. He brushed her hair back. "What?" he asked gently.
"I realized they meant to take me as well."
*~*~*
When I got back to Sue's house, my whole body ached with tension. The new revelation Alice had made things more worrisome. Edward had said when we were in Italy that Aro, Caius, and Marcus had wanted Edward and Alice to both join the Volturi. We had never considered they were looking for Alice as well when Edward was taken.
I had no idea why Aro kept warning Alice in her visions either; it just made no sense considering he had been the leader of the three. It was so confusing, and Edward's attachment to me was as strong as it had been when we were together, which made things even harder. The trip down memory lane was hurting me a great deal, but I would continue to help him as long as I could. I owed him that much, didn't I? I owed him so much and the guilt didn't make it easy.
I went into the bedroom, opened my underwear drawer, riffled around under the underwear in the corner and extracted Edward's ring. My chin shook, and I swallowed with difficulty, as I stared down at the beautiful diamond ring. I held it, feeling the little weight in the palm of my hand. On a small sigh, I stood and put it back where it belonged.
When Jake got home, he found me sitting in the dark kitchen, with no other company except my thoughts. He took one look at me and extended his hand to me.
"What…" I managed to say, taking his hand, before he hauled me up and led me outside.
"Jake, what are you doing? Where are we going?" I asked as he lifted me bodily into my truck.
"You'll see," he said as he got in the driver's side and drove to the cliffs.
Confused, I turned to him, but he wouldn't answer my questions as he led me down the path to the top of the cliffs. It was a beautiful night which was sort of rare. Did he want to bring me here to stargaze or something? There weren't many; it was still a bit cloudy.
He led me close to the edge, but not too close. He took my arms and turned me to face the ocean. "Let it out," he ordered.
"What?" I asked confused. I turned to face him puzzled at his actions.
"Bella, will you stop trying to be so fucking strong. Crying doesn't mean you're weak. I won't break if you cry. Just because you had a breakdown when all this went down doesn't mean you will again. You're stronger than you were, and you have good friends and family who love you. You have a right to be upset, so just let it out."
I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks below and the night sounds of creatures in the forest.
"Jake, I don't need to…" I protested, stunned at what he was doing.
"We're not leaving until you do. I know you need a release of some sort right now, so just go for it."
"Jake…" I tried one more time.
"Bella!" His voice was sharp as he spun me around one last time to face the open air.
The emotions raced through me as I thought about what he said, about what he wanted me to do. I had bottled up so damn much because I didn't want to hurt him.
I heard a piercing sound break through the night air, and after a moment of shock, I realized the sound was coming from me. The grief, the anger, and the fear poured out of me in a raging and pained scream. My ears were ringing, my eyes were streaming, and I couldn't seem to stop the scream. It was for everything unfair that had happened to all of us especially Edward. When my throat was raw and aching, I stopped. The silence was deafening.
The tears poured down my cheeks in an unending torrent. I sank to my knees on the rocks, no longer able to stand. I wept so hard and long, and I felt Jake move beside me and then I was in his arms. When the tears finally slowed, I just stayed there, wrapped in Jake's arms as the night sounds began again.
*~*~*
AN: I know these chapters have been a bit angsty, so I just wanted to hear some feedback. There were/are some issues I want(ed) to cover before things get a little crazy, but it's not going to be too much longer before getting into the nitty-gritty. I just wanted to see how everyone was feeling, if you think things are progressing well enough.
Chapter 28