Yes, I'm still alive...
I know I haven't written in this journal or any journal for a very long time. I guess I've been feeling a little antisocial ever since college started or since high school ended, but why can't a person keep to themself without appearing stuck up? I don't really feel the need to find that place where I "fit in" with other people, yet, at the same time I loathe feeling as though people dislike me for what they fail to understand about me.
I feel as thought two years have passed and I am losing contact with each and every person I once knew. Do they still think about me? Do they think I've forgotten about them? People easily condemn those that don't remain in contact, but are they also making an effort to keep ties alive? I am not going to lie. I found myself as one of these people that wished others would show their concern more frequently and waited foolishly as I led myself into a hopeless trap. I felt as though no one cared, as though no one thought I was worth the effort. I know some of the blame can lie in my own laziness as well as self-depreciation and embarrassment. I know that hesitation is for those willing to lose the prize. I was once one without hesitation. When did I lose myself?
At times I feel like I could have been lost in a moment in time, frozen just the way I was and how everyone remembered me. It's as if I, or my former self, remained there while my body went on to carry out the motions of daily life. Now, I wonder if it was a great loss or a blessing in disguise that I'm a completely different person. Does anyone even recognize the change? Does anyone really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?
I feel a lot better now, so don't think I'm depressed or emotional. I just wonder what happened during the past two years, as though they happened without my knowledge or permission. Like I was dropped into pre-adulthood and college not knowing where to go but knowing I had responsiblities to take care of. All I ever do here is stress out thinking about money and life, how I'm going to pay the bills and what I'm going to make of myself. Am I on the right path to where I want to go or am I completely off-course and too far ahead to go back? Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in college... not because I think I'm stupid but because there's not much here for me. As if I'm here for someone else's pleasure. A part of me understands the responsibilites that I have to handle as an adult, yet the other part feels that it is just a social rite of passage that is unnecessary for personal growth. All I can think about is how much I want to sing, how much I want to be able to stand proudly and declare it with something to show for it. I'm trying to do everything in my power to make it happen, but why does it feel like I'm not moving?
I feel as thought two years have passed and I am losing contact with each and every person I once knew. Do they still think about me? Do they think I've forgotten about them? People easily condemn those that don't remain in contact, but are they also making an effort to keep ties alive? I am not going to lie. I found myself as one of these people that wished others would show their concern more frequently and waited foolishly as I led myself into a hopeless trap. I felt as though no one cared, as though no one thought I was worth the effort. I know some of the blame can lie in my own laziness as well as self-depreciation and embarrassment. I know that hesitation is for those willing to lose the prize. I was once one without hesitation. When did I lose myself?
At times I feel like I could have been lost in a moment in time, frozen just the way I was and how everyone remembered me. It's as if I, or my former self, remained there while my body went on to carry out the motions of daily life. Now, I wonder if it was a great loss or a blessing in disguise that I'm a completely different person. Does anyone even recognize the change? Does anyone really know me anymore? Do I even know myself?
I feel a lot better now, so don't think I'm depressed or emotional. I just wonder what happened during the past two years, as though they happened without my knowledge or permission. Like I was dropped into pre-adulthood and college not knowing where to go but knowing I had responsiblities to take care of. All I ever do here is stress out thinking about money and life, how I'm going to pay the bills and what I'm going to make of myself. Am I on the right path to where I want to go or am I completely off-course and too far ahead to go back? Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in college... not because I think I'm stupid but because there's not much here for me. As if I'm here for someone else's pleasure. A part of me understands the responsibilites that I have to handle as an adult, yet the other part feels that it is just a social rite of passage that is unnecessary for personal growth. All I can think about is how much I want to sing, how much I want to be able to stand proudly and declare it with something to show for it. I'm trying to do everything in my power to make it happen, but why does it feel like I'm not moving?