Comments | explodydapuppy: sketch, round 2

explodydapuppy

sketch, round 2

Jan 27, 2009 11:32

Because I don't really want to get rid of the first draft (I can look back someday and try to see a process, or something), I'm going to leave the second draft of that crappy story from last night on here.

I think this is slightly better -- I felt much more in the narrator's head as I wrote it. So yeah.

( It was an undeniable reflex, like breathing. )

snippets, short stories

Comments 4

grendelity January 27 2009, 20:08:46 UTC

Ah, that's better. I was going to gripe about how random it seemed, but you fixed that. Still seems a little aimless, just because it's like...why would he come back [with flowers, no less] and not expect her to take it the wrong way?

I dunno, am still wondering that. There's more, yes?

explodydapuppy January 27 2009, 22:50:45 UTC

Firstly, yes, there is more to it. I want to weave this into... somewhere as a romantic plot to run parallel with something else a little less ordinary.

Secondly, what do you mean about her taking it the wrong way? She doesn't take his hint at all. Otherwise, she would have been a bit more awkward and a bit less giddy and eager to talk about it; he wouldn't have felt as comfortable pretending to be okay in order to return to her side... that's right, this is a story about FRIENDZONE (cue eyerolls)... just kind of a mini-scene about rejection, I suppose.

But yes, there will be more. I kind of like the idea of this guy's character (nicknamed, for the time being, Stalwart Steve).

Anything else? Did I help? Do you suddenly hate it?

grendelity January 28 2009, 13:31:57 UTC

There is no hint that I can read. The first hint I as a reader gets is the, 'wait, what?' Otherwise it sounds like a boyfriend returning to the arms of his long-distance and more successful girlfriend. [He's the one having to sneak into dorms, after all.] Also, seriously, if a guy brings me flowers, I am going to think it is with romantic intentions. HOWEVER I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED FLOWERS, SO IDK. The giving of gifts, randomly, is very....intentional.

*stretches* It just seems like you lead on the narrative and then derail it in the middle. That's an easy change, but is also easy to make worse.

thosewerepearls February 16 2009, 16:34:15 UTC

Ah, I like it. I think, though, if you fixed it up in a few parts it could definitely be stronger- but that's true for almost all writing, huh?

Anyway, like always, I enjoy reading your writing.