and i am wide awake and staring at the wall.
Final paragraph?:
And girls are ultimately your favorite thing in the world. Even with all there damn flaws and the problems that are married to relationships with them, you can't get away from it. you like the way they smile and the way they laugh at your jokes. you notice them when they walk in the room and you pick out the one you like best immediately. and when you've had a relationship or a near-relationship, or a prolonged cush on one of them, you don't forget them. there was a reason you thought so dearly about them before, and although you have changed, they are still the same in your mind; idealized and thought of at the strangest of moments. dreamnt of when you fall back asleep for an extra 20 minutes before class, and conciously thought of when you wake up with the uncomfortable feeling that something has to be taken care of. and when you stretch back with your mind in an attempt to accurately relate your history with them to a willing listener, your only unfairly reminded of where you could have done something better to prolong your stay in their life (or maybe another course of action to better enter their life, to start a relationship with them when you and she were both willing, but never aware). scoring the winning goal is sublime but transient. and although you've danced with as many girls as goals you've scored in soccer, you remember the first dance on the basketball court, the last twist with the innocent girl in the pink dress, the slow swinging at the mall with somebody else's girl, and every other time you touched them to music, whether they were yours or somebody else's, better than you remember other things that are probably in the long run more important. you remember the milkshake you both drank (ate) over Christmas break, the oreos you ate by the river, the time you hugged after you covered for her mistake, the time she held your hand and slept on the plane, the john wayne movie you watched at her house, the soup she made you when you were supposed to be driving your brother to practice, the time in her room when she finally let you kiss her, and the time the wallabees inspired you to profess your love to her. what would be different now if you could go back with any one of them and do something different? maybe you would have experienced more happy times. maybe you could have kissed her, and now you would know what it would have been like. maybe your entire life would be different now and so would there's. many lives would be different. maybe you think about this sometimes.
but when you're walking through the unrelenting winter night and you think your legs move with their own conviction, there is only one thought that makes you feel like there is a reason to be home. there is only one girl, and when you picture a beautiful woman waiting in your bed, waiting to wrap the blanket around your freezing shoulders, hers is the only face that comes to mind. she can't make you stop liking girls; on the contrary, the is the one who gave you hope that there is a girl who is unlike all the others. you've found yours, and now you can tell your friend that it's worth fighting for; hell, worth expecting. you love her, and this love has simultaneously made you feel a new warmth toward all other women, and yet place them on a level of existance lower than she whom you love.
so if you went back and relived a moment with one of them, being smarter now and infinitely more confident and aware, surely some good could come of it. and yes, maybe there is a girl or two you would like to erase from your past (and anyone's future who is unlucky enough to stumble upon them). but then you're walking through a dark, freezing city, and realizing that you love everyone who has been in your life before. because they've brought you here.
And girls are ultimately your favorite thing in the world. Even with all there damn flaws and the problems that are married to relationships with them, you can't get away from it. you like the way they smile and the way they laugh at your jokes. you notice them when they walk in the room and you pick out the one you like best immediately. and when you've had a relationship or a near-relationship, or a prolonged cush on one of them, you don't forget them. there was a reason you thought so dearly about them before, and although you have changed, they are still the same in your mind; idealized and thought of at the strangest of moments. dreamnt of when you fall back asleep for an extra 20 minutes before class, and conciously thought of when you wake up with the uncomfortable feeling that something has to be taken care of. and when you stretch back with your mind in an attempt to accurately relate your history with them to a willing listener, your only unfairly reminded of where you could have done something better to prolong your stay in their life (or maybe another course of action to better enter their life, to start a relationship with them when you and she were both willing, but never aware). scoring the winning goal is sublime but transient. and although you've danced with as many girls as goals you've scored in soccer, you remember the first dance on the basketball court, the last twist with the innocent girl in the pink dress, the slow swinging at the mall with somebody else's girl, and every other time you touched them to music, whether they were yours or somebody else's, better than you remember other things that are probably in the long run more important. you remember the milkshake you both drank (ate) over Christmas break, the oreos you ate by the river, the time you hugged after you covered for her mistake, the time she held your hand and slept on the plane, the john wayne movie you watched at her house, the soup she made you when you were supposed to be driving your brother to practice, the time in her room when she finally let you kiss her, and the time the wallabees inspired you to profess your love to her. what would be different now if you could go back with any one of them and do something different? maybe you would have experienced more happy times. maybe you could have kissed her, and now you would know what it would have been like. maybe your entire life would be different now and so would there's. many lives would be different. maybe you think about this sometimes.
but when you're walking through the unrelenting winter night and you think your legs move with their own conviction, there is only one thought that makes you feel like there is a reason to be home. there is only one girl, and when you picture a beautiful woman waiting in your bed, waiting to wrap the blanket around your freezing shoulders, hers is the only face that comes to mind. she can't make you stop liking girls; on the contrary, the is the one who gave you hope that there is a girl who is unlike all the others. you've found yours, and now you can tell your friend that it's worth fighting for; hell, worth expecting. you love her, and this love has simultaneously made you feel a new warmth toward all other women, and yet place them on a level of existance lower than she whom you love.
so if you went back and relived a moment with one of them, being smarter now and infinitely more confident and aware, surely some good could come of it. and yes, maybe there is a girl or two you would like to erase from your past (and anyone's future who is unlucky enough to stumble upon them). but then you're walking through a dark, freezing city, and realizing that you love everyone who has been in your life before. because they've brought you here.