here we go..
Well...It's been a while.
By a while, I mean an eternity.
This is what happens when I'm bored and secluded for a long period of time...
Ramble, ramble...ramble.
Sometimes I feel paranoid.
This inability to speak, or to think of the “right” words overcomes me.
I’m paralyzed by the fears of my own inadequacies.
Scared to death I’ll be interpreted in an inaccurate light.
Who am I and how do I want to be presented?
If I’m unsure of who I am, how can I be scared of being misrepresented?
My mind moves at a million miles a minute, constantly trying to plan ahead and protect myself from dangers of the real world.
Why do I feel so judged all the time?
This makes me appear self-centered, a quality I’ve never wanted to live up to.
Plant my feet.
Look forward.
Focus.
Still.
Focus.
Don’t lose sight of my goals and aspirations.
Life is too short to always worry about using the perfect words.
Being the “right” person.
Living the perfect life.
Owning up to all that you’ve labelled yourself as.
Who dictates what we should and shouldn’t be like?
I’d like to meet them.
Pick their brain.
Gain a greater insight into how I should be living my life.
This is nonsense.
All jargon that will never benefit me in anyway.
There I go again, being insecure with my words.
I’m walking on thin ice right now.
These words are hot to the though.
Danger ahead.
There’s so much focus on who I don’t want to be that I’m beginning to lose sight of who I should be.
How dare I waste valuable time.
This is scary for me.
Words are powerful.
They’re truth.
Truth.
Hard, cold truth.
Honesty is valuable, I want to be valuable, therefore my words will set me free.
Free from the prison of my conscious.
Free from the ridicule of my morals,
Free from all the fabricated barriers I’ve placed between myself and a clear mind.
The tight leash I’ve placed around my inhibitions is starting to fray.
I can’t hold back much longer.
I can’t understand why I fight with myself like I do.
Is it because I lack the presence of someone else in my life to stimulate my mind, negatively or positively?
Isn’t that sad…
Feeling empty because there’s no one in my life who currently attains the power to make me feel anything beyond the basic elements of emotion.
Happy.
Sad.
Angry.
Neutral.
There they are, staring me down…
Right in the eyes.
Neutral seems to be most persistent.
Its been a while since here have been any butterflies.
The good or bad kind.
Feeling sick to my stomach because the presence of someone causes so much arousal, my body just doesn’t know what to with itself.
The gaze of their eyes in my direction and knowing exactly what they’re saying without even one word spoken.
I miss that.
A lot.
Does there need to be history with someone in order to deliver the butterflies?
My conscious gets in the way again.
An intensive screening process goes up for everyone in my life.
The doors close.
They’re bolted shut.
No one comes in until I’m sure about them.
I’m never really sure though…
How can you be sure unless you’ve finished your time with that person.
My scepticism gets the best of me.
With the doors locked, no one gets in,
Those already in have established their place and are safe.
At what point in my life did the door close so permanently?
What makes anyone close to me now so different than the people I could potentially be close to in the future?
Isn’t it all a matter of timing?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
What’s the worst that could happen?
My indifference to everyone and everything can’t change, for better or worse, if I don’t make changes.
Open my heart.
Let in new light.
Heal what’s been broken.
Mend what can be fixed.
Create new space.
Out with my old ways, in with new ones.
Is it my own fault that the lustre for life that once sparkled in my eyes is beginning to dim?
Is it because of me that the passion I once felt in every ounce of my being is now depleted and starting to go unnoticed?
Fire.
Vigour.
Magic.
Bright.
I want these words, those feelings, back in my life again.
Back in my soul that currently resides under “content”.
I want to live and breathe passion into all that I am and all that I do.
I want to leave a mark in the lives of others.
I want to have somehow made life better even if it was only for a few brief moments, and it was only one person.
I want to go back to those special moments in my life and see my footprints.
Deep.
Undeniable.
Unmistakable.
What will it take?
I need to banish this fear of using the “wrong” words.
Of feeling the “wrong” emotions.
Most of all, stop being afraid of making mistakes.
Mistakes keep life interesting and unpredictable.
Grow, grow, grow.
In only for a moment, grow into something more.
Open my mind.
Open my heart.
Open my spirit.
Open up my life.
Renew. Refresh. Retry.
Start over. Clean slate. No fears.
No fears.
Fears. None.
Check.
Life my life like tomorrow may never come.
Love the people in my life as though it’s my last moment with them.
And…
Appreciate what I have.
Be gracious.
Thank you, thank you.
Believe I deserve my fortunes.
Learn to grow from my mistakes.
Become stronger from defeat.
I’ve only lost when I throw in the towel.
No one’s job but my own.
Get in the ring.
Face the words, my truth, my insecurities.
Stare them down.
Realize I’m strong.
I’ve always had the strength.
And win.
Win.
By a while, I mean an eternity.
This is what happens when I'm bored and secluded for a long period of time...
Ramble, ramble...ramble.
Sometimes I feel paranoid.
This inability to speak, or to think of the “right” words overcomes me.
I’m paralyzed by the fears of my own inadequacies.
Scared to death I’ll be interpreted in an inaccurate light.
Who am I and how do I want to be presented?
If I’m unsure of who I am, how can I be scared of being misrepresented?
My mind moves at a million miles a minute, constantly trying to plan ahead and protect myself from dangers of the real world.
Why do I feel so judged all the time?
This makes me appear self-centered, a quality I’ve never wanted to live up to.
Plant my feet.
Look forward.
Focus.
Still.
Focus.
Don’t lose sight of my goals and aspirations.
Life is too short to always worry about using the perfect words.
Being the “right” person.
Living the perfect life.
Owning up to all that you’ve labelled yourself as.
Who dictates what we should and shouldn’t be like?
I’d like to meet them.
Pick their brain.
Gain a greater insight into how I should be living my life.
This is nonsense.
All jargon that will never benefit me in anyway.
There I go again, being insecure with my words.
I’m walking on thin ice right now.
These words are hot to the though.
Danger ahead.
There’s so much focus on who I don’t want to be that I’m beginning to lose sight of who I should be.
How dare I waste valuable time.
This is scary for me.
Words are powerful.
They’re truth.
Truth.
Hard, cold truth.
Honesty is valuable, I want to be valuable, therefore my words will set me free.
Free from the prison of my conscious.
Free from the ridicule of my morals,
Free from all the fabricated barriers I’ve placed between myself and a clear mind.
The tight leash I’ve placed around my inhibitions is starting to fray.
I can’t hold back much longer.
I can’t understand why I fight with myself like I do.
Is it because I lack the presence of someone else in my life to stimulate my mind, negatively or positively?
Isn’t that sad…
Feeling empty because there’s no one in my life who currently attains the power to make me feel anything beyond the basic elements of emotion.
Happy.
Sad.
Angry.
Neutral.
There they are, staring me down…
Right in the eyes.
Neutral seems to be most persistent.
Its been a while since here have been any butterflies.
The good or bad kind.
Feeling sick to my stomach because the presence of someone causes so much arousal, my body just doesn’t know what to with itself.
The gaze of their eyes in my direction and knowing exactly what they’re saying without even one word spoken.
I miss that.
A lot.
Does there need to be history with someone in order to deliver the butterflies?
My conscious gets in the way again.
An intensive screening process goes up for everyone in my life.
The doors close.
They’re bolted shut.
No one comes in until I’m sure about them.
I’m never really sure though…
How can you be sure unless you’ve finished your time with that person.
My scepticism gets the best of me.
With the doors locked, no one gets in,
Those already in have established their place and are safe.
At what point in my life did the door close so permanently?
What makes anyone close to me now so different than the people I could potentially be close to in the future?
Isn’t it all a matter of timing?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
What’s the worst that could happen?
My indifference to everyone and everything can’t change, for better or worse, if I don’t make changes.
Open my heart.
Let in new light.
Heal what’s been broken.
Mend what can be fixed.
Create new space.
Out with my old ways, in with new ones.
Is it my own fault that the lustre for life that once sparkled in my eyes is beginning to dim?
Is it because of me that the passion I once felt in every ounce of my being is now depleted and starting to go unnoticed?
Fire.
Vigour.
Magic.
Bright.
I want these words, those feelings, back in my life again.
Back in my soul that currently resides under “content”.
I want to live and breathe passion into all that I am and all that I do.
I want to leave a mark in the lives of others.
I want to have somehow made life better even if it was only for a few brief moments, and it was only one person.
I want to go back to those special moments in my life and see my footprints.
Deep.
Undeniable.
Unmistakable.
What will it take?
I need to banish this fear of using the “wrong” words.
Of feeling the “wrong” emotions.
Most of all, stop being afraid of making mistakes.
Mistakes keep life interesting and unpredictable.
Grow, grow, grow.
In only for a moment, grow into something more.
Open my mind.
Open my heart.
Open my spirit.
Open up my life.
Renew. Refresh. Retry.
Start over. Clean slate. No fears.
No fears.
Fears. None.
Check.
Life my life like tomorrow may never come.
Love the people in my life as though it’s my last moment with them.
And…
Appreciate what I have.
Be gracious.
Thank you, thank you.
Believe I deserve my fortunes.
Learn to grow from my mistakes.
Become stronger from defeat.
I’ve only lost when I throw in the towel.
No one’s job but my own.
Get in the ring.
Face the words, my truth, my insecurities.
Stare them down.
Realize I’m strong.
I’ve always had the strength.
And win.
Win.