Thoughts racing...
I hate not feeling anything.
In the past few months I've felt as though nothing effects me.
I feel things for a moment, but then it passes.
I dwell on things that I THINK should bother me, but in all actuality I don't think I genuinely care at all.
I don't feel sad, I don't really feel especially happy...there's just this gap lingering above my head that's sucking every possible emotion I could feel into it.
I don't even cry anymore.
I used to cry way more often than I do now.
I guess that was when there was stuff going on with...a certain someone or whatever.
It feels like since then there hasn't been anyone in my life that's provoked me to feel anything substantial.
At least for an extended period of time anyway.
I guess this is the first time that I'm admitting this to myself.
It's not that I miss him at all.
We're 100% different from each other, the people we were, at least who he was, don't exist anymore...it's as if we were whisked away to another planet or something...not to sound like a lameass or anything, but that's exactly how it is.
I've been lying to myself for so long already.
It's been two years since any kind of relationship with him, but lately I just can't stop thinking about this.
What about it made me feel so much...feel in general.
Why can't I feel like that anymore?!
Was it just because it was my first real relationship, first friendship with someone where there were no holds barred...I can't figure it out.
And the most ridiculous thing of all about this whole thing that I don't seem to get...why do I miss feeling things most people would never want to feel?
I'm tired of feeling so ordinary.
I want to feel like I'm really alive and that things matter to me again.
I love my friends and I value those relationships.
But I haven't put as much of myself into any of them since that one.
Thats not right of me.
I just don't know how to feel anymore.
Or who to trust.
I can't handle giving my heart to people and then having them throw it away.
It's happened too many times unneccessarily in the last few years...with people I thought would never let me down.
I just want to feel anything again...but at the same time, i don't want to put myself out there to be trampled on.
Ugh...
In the past few months I've felt as though nothing effects me.
I feel things for a moment, but then it passes.
I dwell on things that I THINK should bother me, but in all actuality I don't think I genuinely care at all.
I don't feel sad, I don't really feel especially happy...there's just this gap lingering above my head that's sucking every possible emotion I could feel into it.
I don't even cry anymore.
I used to cry way more often than I do now.
I guess that was when there was stuff going on with...a certain someone or whatever.
It feels like since then there hasn't been anyone in my life that's provoked me to feel anything substantial.
At least for an extended period of time anyway.
I guess this is the first time that I'm admitting this to myself.
It's not that I miss him at all.
We're 100% different from each other, the people we were, at least who he was, don't exist anymore...it's as if we were whisked away to another planet or something...not to sound like a lameass or anything, but that's exactly how it is.
I've been lying to myself for so long already.
It's been two years since any kind of relationship with him, but lately I just can't stop thinking about this.
What about it made me feel so much...feel in general.
Why can't I feel like that anymore?!
Was it just because it was my first real relationship, first friendship with someone where there were no holds barred...I can't figure it out.
And the most ridiculous thing of all about this whole thing that I don't seem to get...why do I miss feeling things most people would never want to feel?
I'm tired of feeling so ordinary.
I want to feel like I'm really alive and that things matter to me again.
I love my friends and I value those relationships.
But I haven't put as much of myself into any of them since that one.
Thats not right of me.
I just don't know how to feel anymore.
Or who to trust.
I can't handle giving my heart to people and then having them throw it away.
It's happened too many times unneccessarily in the last few years...with people I thought would never let me down.
I just want to feel anything again...but at the same time, i don't want to put myself out there to be trampled on.
Ugh...