Lasting Effects
I spent 20 minutes on the phone with my mom last night. I can't help but sigh and wonder what I did in a past life to warrant the relationship I have with my mother. There's love there, yes, but it's bound by frustration, confusion and hurt. Is that every parent-child relationship, I wonder? Which of course makes me wonder how badly I will conflict this life I carry. I truly believe every parent starts out with the best intentions. How far they get...that's dependent upon many factors. Truth be told, This scares the hell out of me much more than pending labor.
J was there to commiserate after I hung up the phone. I tried to explain the whole conversation with him, giving both sides and why I think it derailed. He stopped me about half way through, begging relief because he was so confused. I felt better that I wasn't the only one. And maybe that's the heart of the problem? It's all the noise in my head, not my relationship with my mother. Grim prospects, either way. I'm 12 years old again, and the chasm between me and the rest of the world has torn open, brimming with all of the insecurities a kid can hold. Ugh.
Today, I woke feeling much better. Sleep is often my savior. The milk somehow soured overnight and thus I am without coffee so i can't get my engine revving. Instead, I'm drinking water, playing music and gearing up to clean the home. I am looking forward to school starting next Monday. Financial Aid came through and I've got to ship back my books from last quarter. It's nice to not have stress, but I have already started scanning the websites for jobs and thinking about what I'm planning to do when school ends in August. Short of daily hikes, I don't know how I am planning to occupy my time. I'm sure it'll work out perfectly, for now I just need to find some entertainment.
J was there to commiserate after I hung up the phone. I tried to explain the whole conversation with him, giving both sides and why I think it derailed. He stopped me about half way through, begging relief because he was so confused. I felt better that I wasn't the only one. And maybe that's the heart of the problem? It's all the noise in my head, not my relationship with my mother. Grim prospects, either way. I'm 12 years old again, and the chasm between me and the rest of the world has torn open, brimming with all of the insecurities a kid can hold. Ugh.
Today, I woke feeling much better. Sleep is often my savior. The milk somehow soured overnight and thus I am without coffee so i can't get my engine revving. Instead, I'm drinking water, playing music and gearing up to clean the home. I am looking forward to school starting next Monday. Financial Aid came through and I've got to ship back my books from last quarter. It's nice to not have stress, but I have already started scanning the websites for jobs and thinking about what I'm planning to do when school ends in August. Short of daily hikes, I don't know how I am planning to occupy my time. I'm sure it'll work out perfectly, for now I just need to find some entertainment.