Katie helps your broke ass: Part 2
And your wonderful hero returns yet again to save your broke ass. Last time we focused more on transportation, booze, and food. However, this time I return with a black russian in hand to teach you how you can continue to wipe your ass and have a chic living space, despite the fact you have to bring in the plates off your car every night so ICBC can't reclaim them (disclaimer: this hasn't actually happened to me, yet).
And you might consider that a good thing, and if you do then by all means ignore this helpful hint. Now if you want to keep your moral panties on then I recommend collecting leaves from your local park to replace your toilet paper, maple leaves work best. However, if your name isn't Captain America or Clark Kent, then I have a much better solution to your ass pollution (I like rhymes). So step one is to go to your nearest gas station. Step two involves going into the gas station washroom and either taking some spare toilet paper from the roll for home or taking a whole spare roll if your bag allows it.
Why gas stations? Because your broke and most places now a days have signs saying "Bathrooms are for store customers only" and since gas stations are pay at the pump now chances are they aren't going to notice that you aren't actually a customer. I know my morals may seem questionable here since I will obey signs posted but I will steal toilet paper, but I've yet to see a sign that says "don't take toilet paper" and I consider toilet paper to be fair game.
Furniture may seem unattainable to you in your current financial state, however, it can actually be amazingly cheap if you live in a big enough town/city. For example: I never have to buy another piece of furniture as long as I live in vancouver and here is my story for why:
It was a dark night and I was walking my dog because they water the grass at a nearby park at midnight and I like to run through the sprinklers. On my way home I decide to stumble down an alleyway (because that's safe) and what should I find but a desk next to a dumpster three blocks from my house. Now I've been using my couch as my desk since I left Prince George and that has not been fun to type on and has been killing my posture, so I've been long overdue for a new desk. But I continue on my way since there was bird shit on the top. But I can hardly sleep that night because the desk looms in my mind and I begin to imagine myself as the hunchback of notre dame.
9pm the next night I get a call from Train Buddy inviting me to a Gay Dance Party. I decline. The desk has now taken full possesion of my mind and it is all I can think about. I make a strong screwdriver in a starbucks mug and set out to take my dog for a walk, and what do you know I end up back at the desk. Examining it closer I realize there is actually three more piles of bird crap on it and the keyboard tray is busted and so is the bottom shelf. I stand there finishing off my screwdriver and glaring at the desk.
My dog lays down and goes to sleep I've been standing there so long.
I start to walk away, then immediately turn around and lunge for the desk, before my common sense can kick in, and give the desk a hard push off the ledge and down the hill. Boy, can a heavy desk roll. Right into the middle of a street that is very busy during the day but luckily dead at night, and the desk bounced off the curb. Also it was screeching and rattling something horrible because bottom shelf was dragging and the brake on a wheel was left on. The lights on the nearby houses went on, but I trudged on, pushing my desk three blocks down alleyways and side streets to avoid cars. At one point a man actually came out of his house to see what the noise was.
It took me a full hour to get this thing home, and I thought the challenge was over, but then I realized I would have to get this thing over gravel, grass and down a flight a stars into my basement suite. Without pissing off my landlords. Luckily my landlords are basically saints and when they did come out to see what the banging, screeching, and swearing was they laughed and offered to help me. Finally, at 1am I got my desk into my house. I immediately went to sleep and awoke the next morning to find a shit covered and busted desk in the middle of my kitchen.
I named him Egor.
(Crappy photo courtesy of my webcam)
The moral of this story is not how messed up my priorities are that I turned down a gay dance party to steal a desk, or how kind my landlords are, or even not to drink, it is that you can get furniture for free! Just some sweat and embarrassment and you too can have a new desk. I've seen tons of furniture in the alleys around my neighbourhood from TVs to chairs to children's picnic tables, all waiting for some broke ass drunk person to claim it as their own. And once you clean off the dog piss and bird shit, nobody will ever know the difference.
A side note: I'm not actually the only person who does this, I met the most beautiful woman I've ever seen when I gave her my shoelaces so she could tie a children's picnic table to her bike that she was taking from my neighbour's trash. Alas, she was probably too old for me and was too embarrassed for being caught stealing a picnic table to tell me her name.
*this isn't a ballad at all
So I hope you feel a little wiser now since my buzz has worn off from my drink and my rambling abilities have now greatly diminished. But if you take my words to heart then you will never have to spend another penny ever again.
And you might consider that a good thing, and if you do then by all means ignore this helpful hint. Now if you want to keep your moral panties on then I recommend collecting leaves from your local park to replace your toilet paper, maple leaves work best. However, if your name isn't Captain America or Clark Kent, then I have a much better solution to your ass pollution (I like rhymes). So step one is to go to your nearest gas station. Step two involves going into the gas station washroom and either taking some spare toilet paper from the roll for home or taking a whole spare roll if your bag allows it.
Why gas stations? Because your broke and most places now a days have signs saying "Bathrooms are for store customers only" and since gas stations are pay at the pump now chances are they aren't going to notice that you aren't actually a customer. I know my morals may seem questionable here since I will obey signs posted but I will steal toilet paper, but I've yet to see a sign that says "don't take toilet paper" and I consider toilet paper to be fair game.
Furniture may seem unattainable to you in your current financial state, however, it can actually be amazingly cheap if you live in a big enough town/city. For example: I never have to buy another piece of furniture as long as I live in vancouver and here is my story for why:
It was a dark night and I was walking my dog because they water the grass at a nearby park at midnight and I like to run through the sprinklers. On my way home I decide to stumble down an alleyway (because that's safe) and what should I find but a desk next to a dumpster three blocks from my house. Now I've been using my couch as my desk since I left Prince George and that has not been fun to type on and has been killing my posture, so I've been long overdue for a new desk. But I continue on my way since there was bird shit on the top. But I can hardly sleep that night because the desk looms in my mind and I begin to imagine myself as the hunchback of notre dame.
9pm the next night I get a call from Train Buddy inviting me to a Gay Dance Party. I decline. The desk has now taken full possesion of my mind and it is all I can think about. I make a strong screwdriver in a starbucks mug and set out to take my dog for a walk, and what do you know I end up back at the desk. Examining it closer I realize there is actually three more piles of bird crap on it and the keyboard tray is busted and so is the bottom shelf. I stand there finishing off my screwdriver and glaring at the desk.
My dog lays down and goes to sleep I've been standing there so long.
I start to walk away, then immediately turn around and lunge for the desk, before my common sense can kick in, and give the desk a hard push off the ledge and down the hill. Boy, can a heavy desk roll. Right into the middle of a street that is very busy during the day but luckily dead at night, and the desk bounced off the curb. Also it was screeching and rattling something horrible because bottom shelf was dragging and the brake on a wheel was left on. The lights on the nearby houses went on, but I trudged on, pushing my desk three blocks down alleyways and side streets to avoid cars. At one point a man actually came out of his house to see what the noise was.
It took me a full hour to get this thing home, and I thought the challenge was over, but then I realized I would have to get this thing over gravel, grass and down a flight a stars into my basement suite. Without pissing off my landlords. Luckily my landlords are basically saints and when they did come out to see what the banging, screeching, and swearing was they laughed and offered to help me. Finally, at 1am I got my desk into my house. I immediately went to sleep and awoke the next morning to find a shit covered and busted desk in the middle of my kitchen.
I named him Egor.
(Crappy photo courtesy of my webcam)
The moral of this story is not how messed up my priorities are that I turned down a gay dance party to steal a desk, or how kind my landlords are, or even not to drink, it is that you can get furniture for free! Just some sweat and embarrassment and you too can have a new desk. I've seen tons of furniture in the alleys around my neighbourhood from TVs to chairs to children's picnic tables, all waiting for some broke ass drunk person to claim it as their own. And once you clean off the dog piss and bird shit, nobody will ever know the difference.
A side note: I'm not actually the only person who does this, I met the most beautiful woman I've ever seen when I gave her my shoelaces so she could tie a children's picnic table to her bike that she was taking from my neighbour's trash. Alas, she was probably too old for me and was too embarrassed for being caught stealing a picnic table to tell me her name.
*this isn't a ballad at all
So I hope you feel a little wiser now since my buzz has worn off from my drink and my rambling abilities have now greatly diminished. But if you take my words to heart then you will never have to spend another penny ever again.