Looking back with regret...
Sitting here alone, in a dark room. The sound of laundry being done in the back ground. I'm doing soul searching and I'm not finding the answers that I want to hear.
I'm falling for a girl AGAIN! I DON'T want to, yet EVERY time that I see her or hear her voice my stomach does flips and my heart races. I can't seem to find words to say around her and most of all I feel out awkward around her.
I met her at work and she invited me to go to her church, I accept and now I attend that church on a regular basis. She invited me to go to a Bible study this evening at 7:15 pm, and I jump on the chance to go. I was planing on going to bed shortly before she called. Yet once she called I took my keys and drove to the Bible Study. I didn't know that there was this group meeting, I thought they meet on Wednesdays not Thursdays. SO I went and had a blast talking to all the folks at the meeting. We talked about Luke 7:36-50. I thought about how I am like the Pharisees and think that my life is perfect and that I'm better then most people. It's an arrogant statement, but it's partialy true. I do see myself better then some people, and because of that I condemn myself to repeat there mistakes. I sit at the table with Christ and do not make the attempt to clean his feet or be hospitable around him. I do the bare minimum and think I can get by with it. What a fool I am to think I can hide the truth from myself. I'm a horrible person.
Back in January of 2004 I wrote an oath to God. Link
I don't think I took that oath to God serious. If I did then I did a horrible job at applying it to my life. I need to change and just focus on God.
I want a relationship, but right now I am not mature enough to deal with one. I'm a child trying to be an adult, yet I fail. I wish to be grown up and different. When do I grow up and start acting like and adult?
I enjoy conversations with my father now, I talk to him more then I talk with my mother. We spen up to if not more then 30 minutes talking on the phone about what ever. We both pray for each other and ask how God is working in our lives. It's a great change from a few years ago when I felt like a stranger in my own house. My brother has changed as well and he encourages me daily to live a better life. Simply amazing how God can touch a life and change their entire out look on life. Slowly we are talking and now we pray for each other. Wow, praise be to God for changing my family. A prayer from my past has been answered. Back in 28 Jan 04, I wrote about my family, (Thoughts of my family) and all I have to say is God is good.
Here is an excerpt from a post back in Aug 04.
"SO I call Home, Dan answers the phone and we start talking again. Good kid but needs some adjustments done to him... For the hundredth time why can't we just skip Episode I through V and go dirrectly to the end of Episode VI!?"
Well I call in March of 05 and he has changed. Dan is no longer the same person, but a renewed person in Christ. What ever made him change I thank God for. Now if I could only recieve the same sorta spark that ignited my family. My dad is now going to a church and starting to get involved in minisitry. Dan takes his quiet time seriously and a few times we had to stop talking on the phone so he could get back to reading the Bible. Katie is opening up even more to God and things are starting to take off. As for my mother she is still fighting change but I believe in time she will come around.
As for myself, well I have a lot of searching to do and finding myself. This is going to be a growing period. Well I should head to bed, got to work in 6 hours.