G O O D B Y E
Im going crazy. I just want to express myself without my mother crushing all my hopes,my father watching in disappointment,my sister slapping reality in my face,disgracing my muslim friends,having people watching my every step and wanting me to fail miserably.Just let me breath on my own and understand im human and im supposed to make fucked up mistakes so i can figure "life" out to my hearts content....
Ive been locked up inside my skin for so long that i forgot who i am, i cant remember how i laugh or how it feels like to be truly happy with peaceful thoughts.
This abuse has been going on all my life that my nights are now restless with awkward scary dreams that make me scream and cry in the night alone.
Each tear that drops from my bruised face makes my heart literally hurt to the point where i clutch my chest and slap myself to wake up from this nightmare that i realize this is really my life....
I tried talking you like i always do. I know you care about my well being but cant you understand im trying to ask you for help. All the chocked up words just fly right through your ears only to let it punch me in the face and hover everywhere i go. Im trying but i know its not as much as i should. With every day that passes through my life i become more numb than the week before.
Im just afraid. I dont want to become too numb to the point that when i look in the mirror i cant recognize myself or what im about.----oh wait, its too late----Im losing myself. My actions are fake yet the only thing real that comes out of my mouth is the advice I give to anyone or the true sincerity that I love to see my freinds with absolute content.
Im pouring all this out onto this computer screen hoping YOU can hear me and wishing you would notice that i slightly exist...
Ive been living in your world for so long that as much as im trying to be optimistic I cant suck all these things up anymore.....bc its making me sick.
All the restless nights, All the skipped meals,All this work and pressure is what makes me so close to death with my weak ass immune system...
Yet I wonder with much amazement--As i was laying like a vegetable in the ICU only but a couple of days ago, why I didn't just go then? Why God didn't just let me die like i let him die inside of me...With How close my dad was why didn't he slap me and spit in my face...He only carried me in his arms straight through all those random awful dreams and dropped me---Bewildered I am to find out that I'm still alive
Maybe getting pneumonia was a sign. Maybe God does have greater things for me because if he didnt wouldnt he have turned his back on me like everyone i care most about?
Forgive me for what I'm about to do
Ive been locked up inside my skin for so long that i forgot who i am, i cant remember how i laugh or how it feels like to be truly happy with peaceful thoughts.
This abuse has been going on all my life that my nights are now restless with awkward scary dreams that make me scream and cry in the night alone.
Each tear that drops from my bruised face makes my heart literally hurt to the point where i clutch my chest and slap myself to wake up from this nightmare that i realize this is really my life....
I tried talking you like i always do. I know you care about my well being but cant you understand im trying to ask you for help. All the chocked up words just fly right through your ears only to let it punch me in the face and hover everywhere i go. Im trying but i know its not as much as i should. With every day that passes through my life i become more numb than the week before.
Im just afraid. I dont want to become too numb to the point that when i look in the mirror i cant recognize myself or what im about.----oh wait, its too late----Im losing myself. My actions are fake yet the only thing real that comes out of my mouth is the advice I give to anyone or the true sincerity that I love to see my freinds with absolute content.
Im pouring all this out onto this computer screen hoping YOU can hear me and wishing you would notice that i slightly exist...
Ive been living in your world for so long that as much as im trying to be optimistic I cant suck all these things up anymore.....bc its making me sick.
All the restless nights, All the skipped meals,All this work and pressure is what makes me so close to death with my weak ass immune system...
Yet I wonder with much amazement--As i was laying like a vegetable in the ICU only but a couple of days ago, why I didn't just go then? Why God didn't just let me die like i let him die inside of me...With How close my dad was why didn't he slap me and spit in my face...He only carried me in his arms straight through all those random awful dreams and dropped me---Bewildered I am to find out that I'm still alive
Maybe getting pneumonia was a sign. Maybe God does have greater things for me because if he didnt wouldnt he have turned his back on me like everyone i care most about?
Forgive me for what I'm about to do