where's fara?
trigger warning: depressing
Just in case some people care enough to want to know, but mainly for me because I'm really sad and I dont feel okay with posting this on tumblr because so and so might see it and be too concerned, but here goes what I've been feeling, doing, or lack-thereof doing.
Probably, if you read every single thing I post, you're probably tired of this but I'm sad. Again. Not just the bad-day-kinda-sad... It's the "I'm in college for a major I dont want, I'm wasting my parents' money, and I feel trapped in this major" kind of sad. It's depression.
I had an episode last weekend where it was the worst since this summer. It doesn't help how I'm living in an apartment now and my living room feels so empty and un-home-ish that it makes me feel even more alone... I feel so behind on my major requirements, I feel like I'm going to fail every time I step on campus, I have too much anxiety, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm depressed and no one can tell and that is the most lonely feeling a person can ever feel... It got so bad that I worried Charles staying over my place just to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself.
And to be honest, it would've been really easy to. I live on the second floor and we have a balcony, and words can't describe the emotions I felt staring out at that platform thinking how easy it'd be to just do it. But I couldn't because I have reasons to keep living. Also, my sister was staying over because she was visitng me... As much as I hate this life sometimes, I can't stand the thought of my sister growing up alone or saying, "I USED to have a sister...." etc etc.
I don't like how I spend nights crying about things I can't put my finger on; about things that I can't control or about the fact that I'm so unhappy and miserable when everything stops moving around me and I find myself alone. When I'm stripped of my friends, my classes, everything, and all I have is myself.
The saddest things about my "reasons to keep on living" is the fact that my reasons feel more like burdens... I feel obligated to keep living. I feel like I owe it to other people to stay alive. And that makes me feel chained and even more trapped. If anything, it makes me feel as if living is some kind of purgatorial punishment.
I've also been feeling completely sad about how I've been treating Charles lately... He honestly tries his best with me. He'll ask me what's wrong and he genuinely wants to know, and I know I keep things from him and he knows it too. I tell him to go home, to go away, to "leave me alone", but the second he does, I fall into thispit of loneliness... And it's honestly not his fault since I'm the one who pushes him into giving me the space that I want, but I end up getting mad at him when he doesn't text or call me to see if I'm okay..
That sounds completely stupid and shitty. I know... But at the same time, I don't know.
Maybe I get depressed when people don't recognize that I need help; that I want them to actually stay with me even though I feel like they shouldn't waste their time with me. Maybe I just don't want to be alone; maybe being alone is what I feel like I deserve, but it's not what I want.
I don't know. Human emotions are fucked up.
I want to tell my parents about this. I want to tell them about my thoughts, that I honestly have no will to live more often that not; that I'm unhappy; that I've thought about leaving them in this world.... but I'm scared that all their going to tell me is that, somehow, I'm lazy, it's just in my head, don't talk about it (like its taboo).... Or even worse, my parents telling me I've wasted time and money at school and asked "then what do you want to do, huh? art? writing? how're you going to make money off of that!?"....... Tl;dr, I'm scared of not being supported, I guess.
I'm tired of crying. My eyes are getting sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like this... I'm tired of being happy with Charles one minute and then the next, being angry at him because my mood is suddenly in the negatives for one reason or another...
Maybe I have manic depression. Maybe I have something else. I'm pretty sure I have something undiagnosed that I keep trying to cure by happy thoughts alone, I just... I don't know.
My depression is at a point where I can't even use it as motivatio nto write angst/dark themes anymore. I feel like its taken over and that it's some kind of unmanageable tumor that I can't get rid of no matter how many times I try.
But anyways, that's what's been hapening inside my head and that's also whats been going on for the last few weeks. I want to apologize for my inactivity. I never thought that something so...invisible... could ever hinder me from doing what I like to do. I don't WANT to appear like this unstable, crazy, emo person online, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how important it is that I actually talk about what I have.
I realize that a lot of people hide their depression or feelings such as mine so they can appear to be "fine" when, really, they're not. Someone told me a while ago that it made them feel normal knowing that someone like me, who writes all these stories and keeps pushing forward, faced depression and several personal issues regarding mental health.... And as much as I don't want to appear "weak" by sharing this side of me, I realize that having mental illness doesn't make you weak... By realizing this, I know now that there's really no shame in talking about it. Mental illness is already regarded as a taboo subject and its often sweft under the rug, when really, mental illness kills just as many people as things that are regarded as actual "diseases".
So, yeah. I'm going to wrap this up because it's too long.
Hope you guys have a great day/evening. I want you to know that if you're depressed that it's okay. Just have someone you can talk to. Also, don't be mad at someone for not knowing how you feel... They really can't read your mind. :( Sometimes, you have to tell them.
10/8/16 Fara.
Just in case some people care enough to want to know, but mainly for me because I'm really sad and I dont feel okay with posting this on tumblr because so and so might see it and be too concerned, but here goes what I've been feeling, doing, or lack-thereof doing.
Probably, if you read every single thing I post, you're probably tired of this but I'm sad. Again. Not just the bad-day-kinda-sad... It's the "I'm in college for a major I dont want, I'm wasting my parents' money, and I feel trapped in this major" kind of sad. It's depression.
I had an episode last weekend where it was the worst since this summer. It doesn't help how I'm living in an apartment now and my living room feels so empty and un-home-ish that it makes me feel even more alone... I feel so behind on my major requirements, I feel like I'm going to fail every time I step on campus, I have too much anxiety, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm depressed and no one can tell and that is the most lonely feeling a person can ever feel... It got so bad that I worried Charles staying over my place just to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself.
And to be honest, it would've been really easy to. I live on the second floor and we have a balcony, and words can't describe the emotions I felt staring out at that platform thinking how easy it'd be to just do it. But I couldn't because I have reasons to keep living. Also, my sister was staying over because she was visitng me... As much as I hate this life sometimes, I can't stand the thought of my sister growing up alone or saying, "I USED to have a sister...." etc etc.
I don't like how I spend nights crying about things I can't put my finger on; about things that I can't control or about the fact that I'm so unhappy and miserable when everything stops moving around me and I find myself alone. When I'm stripped of my friends, my classes, everything, and all I have is myself.
The saddest things about my "reasons to keep on living" is the fact that my reasons feel more like burdens... I feel obligated to keep living. I feel like I owe it to other people to stay alive. And that makes me feel chained and even more trapped. If anything, it makes me feel as if living is some kind of purgatorial punishment.
I've also been feeling completely sad about how I've been treating Charles lately... He honestly tries his best with me. He'll ask me what's wrong and he genuinely wants to know, and I know I keep things from him and he knows it too. I tell him to go home, to go away, to "leave me alone", but the second he does, I fall into thispit of loneliness... And it's honestly not his fault since I'm the one who pushes him into giving me the space that I want, but I end up getting mad at him when he doesn't text or call me to see if I'm okay..
That sounds completely stupid and shitty. I know... But at the same time, I don't know.
Maybe I get depressed when people don't recognize that I need help; that I want them to actually stay with me even though I feel like they shouldn't waste their time with me. Maybe I just don't want to be alone; maybe being alone is what I feel like I deserve, but it's not what I want.
I don't know. Human emotions are fucked up.
I want to tell my parents about this. I want to tell them about my thoughts, that I honestly have no will to live more often that not; that I'm unhappy; that I've thought about leaving them in this world.... but I'm scared that all their going to tell me is that, somehow, I'm lazy, it's just in my head, don't talk about it (like its taboo).... Or even worse, my parents telling me I've wasted time and money at school and asked "then what do you want to do, huh? art? writing? how're you going to make money off of that!?"....... Tl;dr, I'm scared of not being supported, I guess.
I'm tired of crying. My eyes are getting sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like this... I'm tired of being happy with Charles one minute and then the next, being angry at him because my mood is suddenly in the negatives for one reason or another...
Maybe I have manic depression. Maybe I have something else. I'm pretty sure I have something undiagnosed that I keep trying to cure by happy thoughts alone, I just... I don't know.
My depression is at a point where I can't even use it as motivatio nto write angst/dark themes anymore. I feel like its taken over and that it's some kind of unmanageable tumor that I can't get rid of no matter how many times I try.
But anyways, that's what's been hapening inside my head and that's also whats been going on for the last few weeks. I want to apologize for my inactivity. I never thought that something so...invisible... could ever hinder me from doing what I like to do. I don't WANT to appear like this unstable, crazy, emo person online, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how important it is that I actually talk about what I have.
I realize that a lot of people hide their depression or feelings such as mine so they can appear to be "fine" when, really, they're not. Someone told me a while ago that it made them feel normal knowing that someone like me, who writes all these stories and keeps pushing forward, faced depression and several personal issues regarding mental health.... And as much as I don't want to appear "weak" by sharing this side of me, I realize that having mental illness doesn't make you weak... By realizing this, I know now that there's really no shame in talking about it. Mental illness is already regarded as a taboo subject and its often sweft under the rug, when really, mental illness kills just as many people as things that are regarded as actual "diseases".
So, yeah. I'm going to wrap this up because it's too long.
Hope you guys have a great day/evening. I want you to know that if you're depressed that it's okay. Just have someone you can talk to. Also, don't be mad at someone for not knowing how you feel... They really can't read your mind. :( Sometimes, you have to tell them.
10/8/16 Fara.