Like Night and Day 47
Chapter 47
"Honesty"
a/n: I'm sorry for the long wait for this update. I had little to no motivation / always feeling too tired or sad to write. I'm very happy I ended up finishing this one though! The free form poem in the beginning is personal in itself. I added it because I thought it was a nice personal touch c': Anyways, have a cool day!
Also, important question! If you're going to comment, tell me if you think a time skip is fitting and how long it should be! (My beta and I argued over this)
Thank you guys for waiting! Hope it was okay :>
Of the many times I've watched you sleep at night, I can't begin to tell you how I've cried in equal times.
And if you ever stumble on this note and begin to question why, please understand I have my pride.
Of the walls you try to tear down; Of the walls you're ambitious to climb,
I have to remind you that my walls are too high...
There are things I wish I could tell you without inflicting sadness with the same words.
There are times I wish I was different so that I'm the one I think you deserve.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I'm sorry I pull away and ignore.
I'm sorry I make you feel bad.
I'm sorry, I love you. Please don't cry anymore.
The reason why I turn my back is to hide myself.
The reason why I turn my back is so I can cry.
That when you ask me "Why did you turn away?"
I can tell you that there is no reason when in truth it's denial.
I'm sorry I joke too far; I'm sorry that I joke too much.
(It's three in the morning and I've been crying since you fell asleep at two.)
You say I don't understand how much you love me, but I think it's the opposite.
I'm sorry you don't know the magnitude of how much you mean to me.
I'm sorry I make you doubt sometimes.
Maybe it all adds up to a few reasons why I find myself with a tear or two near my eyes (haha).
I want to be able to tell you things but sometimes it's just near impossible.
I know that I can but I find that I won't.
Sometimes I can't bear the thought of letting you know.
Sometimes I can only imagine how it'd feel to let you go.
I wonder to what extent my pride will take me.
I wonder to what extent I'll follow.
I'm sorry for making you feel so negatively.
I'm sorry you have to lie to me.
I'm fine, you say.
It's whatever, you say.
It's ugly, I know.
It's something, I know.
With every conflict we fix, we bandage up the damage.
But sometimes I feel like the cracks we make are too wide.
To fix.
To fill.
There's a hole in our relationship; small; significant.
A sign that I can't
Be good enough.
Be the one for you.
I feel so little compared to you, to others.
These are things you never want to hear me say; These are things things you've heard a million times before.
Sometimes I feel like our time together is insignificant. That it was nothing.
It means nothing to anybody if all I do is make you sad. I shouldn't make you sad. But I do.
I don't mean to.
I'm sorry.
I've lost count.
But I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I wish I could disappear. That you'll forget about me.
Sometimes I wish you'd move on. Even then I'd understand, too.
I love you with one half of my heart.
I'm sorry with the other.
It's four in the morning. I should forget about this.
Good night. Please know that I love you...
-
-
Waiting and wishing--hoping-- for things to change was nothing more than a waste of time and missed opportunities.
Knocking on the door he had knocked on before countless times was, for the first time, nerve wrecking… but the light from Baekhyun’s bedroom was lit and Chanyeol felt a burning sensation in his chest that prompted him to proceed. He looked down at his side where his phone was kept between his hands. Unused. Silent. He hadn't sent a single call or message to Baekhyun to let him know of what he was planning to do, mainly due to the fact that he didn't even know himself...
There wasn’t a clue in his mind about what he’d say or do. He felt out of place, as if he shouldn’t be there in that moment, but he persisted against the feeling.
It was all impromptu. Nothing scripted. He was going on a limb, but it didn’t feel so new to him. They had done this pattern several times. Love, fight, and return. It was a cycle, but one that he always hoped to break with every argument...
When the door opened and Baekhyun’s face appeared, confused and thrown by the boy in front of him, Chanyeol felt frozen and for a brief moment in time, neither moved nor said a word.
Silence.
Bearable, quiet, calm silence.
Chanyeol swallowed, the nervousness in him was receding but it remained. “Hey,” he said in a voice so hoarse and choked, he paused to double check. “I… I um…”
The hand on the door gripped as Baekhyun attempted to regain his static composure. “Chanyeol, what’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at prom?”
What was he doing there? Hadn’t it been his entire idea to leave the brunet alone? It had only been two weeks--maybe-- and yet, he still ran to catch the nearest bus; he still ran back to him.
What little pride that he had was choking him, hindering his ability to speak, but in that moment, as he searched the smaller male’s eyes for answers--for anything-- he realized that having pride was the last thing either of them needed.
“Yes,” Chanyeol replied, firm and strong. “But shouldn’t you be also?”
“I wasn’t feeling well,” Baekhyun muttered, lowering his eyes for a split second. “I decided to come back early.”
“What about your date?”
“He’s… I don’t know where he is.” Knowing that if he avoided the giant’s eyes too much, it would’ve seemed like a sign of weakness; as though the feelings of failure would overcome him for being unable to weather through the night with the prom date he chose over his own boyfriend. “But that doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant. Why are you here? You never answered the question.”
“I’m here because…” Chanyeol stopped. I’m here because of you? It sounded overused and bland, but it was the truth. There was no further explanation. He had a feeling in his gut that urged for him to go after the brunet one last time. His feet seemed to have moved on their own and lead him in that moment to stand on Baekhyun’s porch, speechless and rendered silent.
Before the giant could gather himself again, Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s late, Chanyeol. Maybe you should go home or go back to your date--”
Just as he was about to close the door, Baekhyun felt a force pushing against it.
“Wait.” Chanyeol clenched his jaw. “Can we talk?”
“No--”
The giant pushed a little harder, adamant. “Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before quitting, letting the boy stumble into the house before catching himself, nearly missing a table near the entrance. “Do you honestly not see how pointless it is to ‘talk’?”
“Pointless or not…” Chanyeol muttered, turning around to face the brunet, “I’m still your boyfriend. I deserve at least some of your time.”
“It’s not--”
“Let’s go upstairs. Where’re your parents?”
Baekhyun thought for a second on whether to answer the off-tangent question or persist in attempting to shut his boyfriend out of his home. He decided on the former. “They’re out having some sort of date night.”
“I wish I could say the same thing for us,” the giant commented as he began climbing up the stairs. “Are you coming?”
“Can we not do this today?”
Midway up, Chanyeol looked down, giving the brunet a look that told him that he meant business. “When do you want to do ‘this’? What day would be good for you so that we can have a decent conversation and fix our relationship, Baekhyun?”
Struck, Baekhyun’s lips tightened. “Not tonight.”
“Then when--”
“Never!” For the first time, Baekhyun raised his voice. It reverted in his entire home, striking both of them to their core. “I can’t do this anymore. Not tonight, not tomorrow… Every time we talk, it’s the same damn conversation! It always ends the same way and nothing changes!”
Chanyeol looked pained, but nonetheless, he turned around and kept moving up. “Nothing changes because you don’t care.”
The words were muttered--obscure to a certain degree--but Baekhyun still heard and he felt burned. Gripping his hand on the railing, he made one quick decision and bolted up the stairs after the giant.
“What did you say?” he asked, voice cracking in the process. “Tell me what you said, Park Chanyeol!”
“I said that nothing changes because you don’t care!” Still, Chanyeol kept his back towards Baekhyun even as he entered his bedroom. “Every time I ask you what’s wrong, you don’t tell me. You hide things from me. You don’t listen to me when I tell you that I love you. And you know what?”
“What!?” Baekhyun demanded, shutting his bedroom door behind him. “Say it.”
“I’m just as tired as you are, Baek!” Chanyeol tried his best to keep his composure but it was slowly tearing at its seams. “I feel like sometimes you act as if you’re the only one suffering. You have no idea the extent of how I feel, Baekhyun. Do you think I want to see you be with somebody else?”
“That’s not--”
“No, I don’t,” Chanyeol continued, cutting the brunet off. “But you know what you keep doing? You keep dangling other guys in my face and it’s not fair! Why do you do that? You think that by showing off with other men, I’ll think any less of you. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe it makes me feel less? Like I’m not enough for you?”
A brief silence followed. Baekhyun couldn’t formulate an answer. “I never meant to make you feel--”
“You never mean to do a lot of things, but you do them anyways.” Chanyeol stood, his eyes dropping down to the floor before he raised them up again to stare the latter down. “I didn’t mean to pick a fight with you tonight so don’t feel like that’s what I came here for. I wanted to talk and--”
“Talking does nothing,” Baekhyun interjected. “It’s useless.”
“Talking is just the half of things!” Chanyeol argued as he took a step forward. “Actually doing something about the problem is what changes things… You’re right. All we do is talk, but nothing changes. That’s because you’re never there when I need you to actually--”
“So you’re saying that everything’s my fault. I’m the one who never steps up to the plate when--”
“I’m not saying the blame is all on you! Can you listen to me for once?” Chanyeol ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “All I wanted in this relationship was for you to trust me.”
“I do trust you, Park Chanyeol...” Baekhyun responded, exasperated. His throat felt dry and there was a need to take a step back and escape, but he fought against the urge and stood his ground. “I let myself be vulnerable to you. I told you that I loved you. I shared my body with you. What more do you want from me?”
Shaking, Chanyeol held his breath for a moment. Then he glanced away. “I wanted your honesty, but after hearing you speak, I guess I can’t even have that?”
“What’re you talking about?”
“You say that you love me, but it always…” Chanyeol stopped midway in his crumbling attempt to keep himself from breaking all together. “It always felt like you only loved me with half your heart… You don’t know how it feels to hear you say those three words but feel like I’m not good enough to actually deserve the things that come with it. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted you to be open, and yet you always kept me at a distance.”
“Then shouldn’t that be considered a personal problem?” Baekhyun was blunt, but not without the purpose of concealing his own wounded feelings. “I said those words because I meant them. I’m sorry if that wasn’t good enough for you to feel like they actually meant something.”
Chanyeol looked stunned. “At the end of the day, words are just words, Baek... and I feel like that’s all you’ve really given me.”
“Then why the hell did you put up with it?” Baekhyun balled his hands into fists. “We’ve been on this road so many times. We’ve had the same argument time and time again. Nothing happens, and yet you’re still here. Why?”
“Because as crazy as it sounds to you, Baek, I want to be with you!” Chanyeol heaved his chest and looked back at the brunet. For the first time in a long time, Baekhyun saw the giant cry. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that because you never believe me anyways.”
“Chanyeol--”
“But you know who doesn’t want to be in this relationship?” Pause. “You… You’re one foot in, one foot out. Some days are better than others. There are times when we’re together and I feel like you’re one hundred percent with me in that moment, but then something happens and the next thing I know you’re trying your damn hardest to make sure that I know you don’t need me… That you could easily replace me with some other guy--just like what you did tonight.”
Baekhyun kept quiet. There was no purpose in arguing back, especially when he felt the same but was too prideful to admit his own faults.
“You know I want to fix things… But what about you? Do you?” Chanyeol waited, making a quick move to rub the wetness off his cheek. His eyes had been drawn down towards the floor, perhaps in fear of seeing the answer in Baekhyun’s eyes before his verbal words confirmed what he already knew, but as the silence dragged on, leaving behind scars as trails, the giant was forced to look back at the brunet.
“No… I don’t.”
In that moment, time stopped for Chanyeol, but rapidly began to move forward for Baekhyun.
“What...?”
In contrast to the mess that the giant had become, Baekhyun remained collected; his face cold and unbearing of any indication of how he truly felt. “You’re right. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore… Why do you look so surprised? You’re the one who said it first--”
“Maybe I hoped that you’d prove me wrong.” Shaking, Chanyeol felt a tightening sensation in his chest. “But maybe I hoped a little bit too much.”
“Maybe you did.”
A brief moment passed before Baekhyun decided to hold his breath and move past the athlete. He felt suffocated for reasons unknown to him. He needed the window open. As he was unclasping the lock, he heard Chanyeol move from behind.
“Then what do you want? What do you want to do? What do you want me to do?”
Even without glancing at the other’s face, Baekhyun knew he was finally tearing him down. The world outside his cold window seemed so calm. It was tempting to run away from the situation again, to escape from the boy rather than to face him, but Baekhyun knew that the least he could ever offer was a bit of integrity.
“I wish we could go back to the time of the school trip… I feel like it was one of the few times where I felt like it was okay to just be...us. ” Baekhyun turned his head back to look at him. “No one knew about us. I didn’t feel like I was somehow under a microscope--something to be talked about and scrutinized.”
“I’m sorry, then. It’s my fault that people--”
“Stop--”
“No!” Chanyeol caught himself. His knuckles were beginning to lose color, but the sudden reminder of the letters Baekhyun kept secret to himself brought about a reignition of rage not just with himself, but the people involved. “If you ever felt that way just for being with me, then that’s a sign that I didn’t do my job right as your boyfriend. I should’ve--”
“You should’ve what?” Baekhyun snapped. “You should’ve ‘noticed’? Found out who was spreading rumours about me? Is that what you were going to say? Not that it matters. Nothing would’ve changed anyways.”
“I would’ve tried.”
“I know you would’ve but I wouldn’t have accepted your help.” Receding back, Baekhyun shook his head, putting a hand over his face. In silence, he sat on the edge of his bed. “I love you...but I don’t need you, Chanyeol.”
“Baek--”
“I can live without you. That’s what I know right now.” Staring at the floorboards, Baekhyun kept his stoic front. “There were times when I thought that we might actually be okay, but I was wrong.”
Chanyeol felt the dryness in his throat, but that didn’t keep the tears fighting to fall from his eyes. “You’re just saying that to hurt me.”
“I’m saying it because it’s the how I feel--and you always keep telling me to tell you what my feelings are. Well, this is it. Do you not like it?”
“You’re not being honest with me--”
“Do you not like it!?”
“No, I don’t!” Chanyeol’s loud voice stopped Baekhyun mid-sentence. “When you love somebody, the last thing you’d want to do is hurt them… So, I don’t want to think that you’re being honest with me, because if this is how you really feel, then…”
“Then what?”
Chanyeol hung his head. Defeated. “Then just say it… Say that you never really loved me. If you’re going to be honest, then at least tell me that.”
As the brunet ran his eyes from the fists that had unclenched, tired, and weak, to the heaving shoulders of the boy in front of him, the words were fighting to break from his mouth. But as Chanyeol raised his eyes, Baekhyun caught a glimpse of the destruction he had caused and found himself saying his last goodbye.
“I’m sorry…”
And though he hadn’t said the exact words that were asked of him, his message was clear.
I never loved you.
"Honesty"
a/n: I'm sorry for the long wait for this update. I had little to no motivation / always feeling too tired or sad to write. I'm very happy I ended up finishing this one though! The free form poem in the beginning is personal in itself. I added it because I thought it was a nice personal touch c': Anyways, have a cool day!
Also, important question! If you're going to comment, tell me if you think a time skip is fitting and how long it should be! (My beta and I argued over this)
Thank you guys for waiting! Hope it was okay :>
Of the many times I've watched you sleep at night, I can't begin to tell you how I've cried in equal times.
And if you ever stumble on this note and begin to question why, please understand I have my pride.
Of the walls you try to tear down; Of the walls you're ambitious to climb,
I have to remind you that my walls are too high...
There are things I wish I could tell you without inflicting sadness with the same words.
There are times I wish I was different so that I'm the one I think you deserve.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I'm sorry I pull away and ignore.
I'm sorry I make you feel bad.
I'm sorry, I love you. Please don't cry anymore.
The reason why I turn my back is to hide myself.
The reason why I turn my back is so I can cry.
That when you ask me "Why did you turn away?"
I can tell you that there is no reason when in truth it's denial.
I'm sorry I joke too far; I'm sorry that I joke too much.
(It's three in the morning and I've been crying since you fell asleep at two.)
You say I don't understand how much you love me, but I think it's the opposite.
I'm sorry you don't know the magnitude of how much you mean to me.
I'm sorry I make you doubt sometimes.
Maybe it all adds up to a few reasons why I find myself with a tear or two near my eyes (haha).
I want to be able to tell you things but sometimes it's just near impossible.
I know that I can but I find that I won't.
Sometimes I can't bear the thought of letting you know.
Sometimes I can only imagine how it'd feel to let you go.
I wonder to what extent my pride will take me.
I wonder to what extent I'll follow.
I'm sorry for making you feel so negatively.
I'm sorry you have to lie to me.
I'm fine, you say.
It's whatever, you say.
It's ugly, I know.
It's something, I know.
With every conflict we fix, we bandage up the damage.
But sometimes I feel like the cracks we make are too wide.
To fix.
To fill.
There's a hole in our relationship; small; significant.
A sign that I can't
Be good enough.
Be the one for you.
I feel so little compared to you, to others.
These are things you never want to hear me say; These are things things you've heard a million times before.
Sometimes I feel like our time together is insignificant. That it was nothing.
It means nothing to anybody if all I do is make you sad. I shouldn't make you sad. But I do.
I don't mean to.
I'm sorry.
I've lost count.
But I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I wish I could disappear. That you'll forget about me.
Sometimes I wish you'd move on. Even then I'd understand, too.
I love you with one half of my heart.
I'm sorry with the other.
It's four in the morning. I should forget about this.
Good night. Please know that I love you...
-
-
Waiting and wishing--hoping-- for things to change was nothing more than a waste of time and missed opportunities.
Knocking on the door he had knocked on before countless times was, for the first time, nerve wrecking… but the light from Baekhyun’s bedroom was lit and Chanyeol felt a burning sensation in his chest that prompted him to proceed. He looked down at his side where his phone was kept between his hands. Unused. Silent. He hadn't sent a single call or message to Baekhyun to let him know of what he was planning to do, mainly due to the fact that he didn't even know himself...
There wasn’t a clue in his mind about what he’d say or do. He felt out of place, as if he shouldn’t be there in that moment, but he persisted against the feeling.
It was all impromptu. Nothing scripted. He was going on a limb, but it didn’t feel so new to him. They had done this pattern several times. Love, fight, and return. It was a cycle, but one that he always hoped to break with every argument...
When the door opened and Baekhyun’s face appeared, confused and thrown by the boy in front of him, Chanyeol felt frozen and for a brief moment in time, neither moved nor said a word.
Silence.
Bearable, quiet, calm silence.
Chanyeol swallowed, the nervousness in him was receding but it remained. “Hey,” he said in a voice so hoarse and choked, he paused to double check. “I… I um…”
The hand on the door gripped as Baekhyun attempted to regain his static composure. “Chanyeol, what’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at prom?”
What was he doing there? Hadn’t it been his entire idea to leave the brunet alone? It had only been two weeks--maybe-- and yet, he still ran to catch the nearest bus; he still ran back to him.
What little pride that he had was choking him, hindering his ability to speak, but in that moment, as he searched the smaller male’s eyes for answers--for anything-- he realized that having pride was the last thing either of them needed.
“Yes,” Chanyeol replied, firm and strong. “But shouldn’t you be also?”
“I wasn’t feeling well,” Baekhyun muttered, lowering his eyes for a split second. “I decided to come back early.”
“What about your date?”
“He’s… I don’t know where he is.” Knowing that if he avoided the giant’s eyes too much, it would’ve seemed like a sign of weakness; as though the feelings of failure would overcome him for being unable to weather through the night with the prom date he chose over his own boyfriend. “But that doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant. Why are you here? You never answered the question.”
“I’m here because…” Chanyeol stopped. I’m here because of you? It sounded overused and bland, but it was the truth. There was no further explanation. He had a feeling in his gut that urged for him to go after the brunet one last time. His feet seemed to have moved on their own and lead him in that moment to stand on Baekhyun’s porch, speechless and rendered silent.
Before the giant could gather himself again, Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s late, Chanyeol. Maybe you should go home or go back to your date--”
Just as he was about to close the door, Baekhyun felt a force pushing against it.
“Wait.” Chanyeol clenched his jaw. “Can we talk?”
“No--”
The giant pushed a little harder, adamant. “Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before quitting, letting the boy stumble into the house before catching himself, nearly missing a table near the entrance. “Do you honestly not see how pointless it is to ‘talk’?”
“Pointless or not…” Chanyeol muttered, turning around to face the brunet, “I’m still your boyfriend. I deserve at least some of your time.”
“It’s not--”
“Let’s go upstairs. Where’re your parents?”
Baekhyun thought for a second on whether to answer the off-tangent question or persist in attempting to shut his boyfriend out of his home. He decided on the former. “They’re out having some sort of date night.”
“I wish I could say the same thing for us,” the giant commented as he began climbing up the stairs. “Are you coming?”
“Can we not do this today?”
Midway up, Chanyeol looked down, giving the brunet a look that told him that he meant business. “When do you want to do ‘this’? What day would be good for you so that we can have a decent conversation and fix our relationship, Baekhyun?”
Struck, Baekhyun’s lips tightened. “Not tonight.”
“Then when--”
“Never!” For the first time, Baekhyun raised his voice. It reverted in his entire home, striking both of them to their core. “I can’t do this anymore. Not tonight, not tomorrow… Every time we talk, it’s the same damn conversation! It always ends the same way and nothing changes!”
Chanyeol looked pained, but nonetheless, he turned around and kept moving up. “Nothing changes because you don’t care.”
The words were muttered--obscure to a certain degree--but Baekhyun still heard and he felt burned. Gripping his hand on the railing, he made one quick decision and bolted up the stairs after the giant.
“What did you say?” he asked, voice cracking in the process. “Tell me what you said, Park Chanyeol!”
“I said that nothing changes because you don’t care!” Still, Chanyeol kept his back towards Baekhyun even as he entered his bedroom. “Every time I ask you what’s wrong, you don’t tell me. You hide things from me. You don’t listen to me when I tell you that I love you. And you know what?”
“What!?” Baekhyun demanded, shutting his bedroom door behind him. “Say it.”
“I’m just as tired as you are, Baek!” Chanyeol tried his best to keep his composure but it was slowly tearing at its seams. “I feel like sometimes you act as if you’re the only one suffering. You have no idea the extent of how I feel, Baekhyun. Do you think I want to see you be with somebody else?”
“That’s not--”
“No, I don’t,” Chanyeol continued, cutting the brunet off. “But you know what you keep doing? You keep dangling other guys in my face and it’s not fair! Why do you do that? You think that by showing off with other men, I’ll think any less of you. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe it makes me feel less? Like I’m not enough for you?”
A brief silence followed. Baekhyun couldn’t formulate an answer. “I never meant to make you feel--”
“You never mean to do a lot of things, but you do them anyways.” Chanyeol stood, his eyes dropping down to the floor before he raised them up again to stare the latter down. “I didn’t mean to pick a fight with you tonight so don’t feel like that’s what I came here for. I wanted to talk and--”
“Talking does nothing,” Baekhyun interjected. “It’s useless.”
“Talking is just the half of things!” Chanyeol argued as he took a step forward. “Actually doing something about the problem is what changes things… You’re right. All we do is talk, but nothing changes. That’s because you’re never there when I need you to actually--”
“So you’re saying that everything’s my fault. I’m the one who never steps up to the plate when--”
“I’m not saying the blame is all on you! Can you listen to me for once?” Chanyeol ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “All I wanted in this relationship was for you to trust me.”
“I do trust you, Park Chanyeol...” Baekhyun responded, exasperated. His throat felt dry and there was a need to take a step back and escape, but he fought against the urge and stood his ground. “I let myself be vulnerable to you. I told you that I loved you. I shared my body with you. What more do you want from me?”
Shaking, Chanyeol held his breath for a moment. Then he glanced away. “I wanted your honesty, but after hearing you speak, I guess I can’t even have that?”
“What’re you talking about?”
“You say that you love me, but it always…” Chanyeol stopped midway in his crumbling attempt to keep himself from breaking all together. “It always felt like you only loved me with half your heart… You don’t know how it feels to hear you say those three words but feel like I’m not good enough to actually deserve the things that come with it. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted you to be open, and yet you always kept me at a distance.”
“Then shouldn’t that be considered a personal problem?” Baekhyun was blunt, but not without the purpose of concealing his own wounded feelings. “I said those words because I meant them. I’m sorry if that wasn’t good enough for you to feel like they actually meant something.”
Chanyeol looked stunned. “At the end of the day, words are just words, Baek... and I feel like that’s all you’ve really given me.”
“Then why the hell did you put up with it?” Baekhyun balled his hands into fists. “We’ve been on this road so many times. We’ve had the same argument time and time again. Nothing happens, and yet you’re still here. Why?”
“Because as crazy as it sounds to you, Baek, I want to be with you!” Chanyeol heaved his chest and looked back at the brunet. For the first time in a long time, Baekhyun saw the giant cry. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that because you never believe me anyways.”
“Chanyeol--”
“But you know who doesn’t want to be in this relationship?” Pause. “You… You’re one foot in, one foot out. Some days are better than others. There are times when we’re together and I feel like you’re one hundred percent with me in that moment, but then something happens and the next thing I know you’re trying your damn hardest to make sure that I know you don’t need me… That you could easily replace me with some other guy--just like what you did tonight.”
Baekhyun kept quiet. There was no purpose in arguing back, especially when he felt the same but was too prideful to admit his own faults.
“You know I want to fix things… But what about you? Do you?” Chanyeol waited, making a quick move to rub the wetness off his cheek. His eyes had been drawn down towards the floor, perhaps in fear of seeing the answer in Baekhyun’s eyes before his verbal words confirmed what he already knew, but as the silence dragged on, leaving behind scars as trails, the giant was forced to look back at the brunet.
“No… I don’t.”
In that moment, time stopped for Chanyeol, but rapidly began to move forward for Baekhyun.
“What...?”
In contrast to the mess that the giant had become, Baekhyun remained collected; his face cold and unbearing of any indication of how he truly felt. “You’re right. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore… Why do you look so surprised? You’re the one who said it first--”
“Maybe I hoped that you’d prove me wrong.” Shaking, Chanyeol felt a tightening sensation in his chest. “But maybe I hoped a little bit too much.”
“Maybe you did.”
A brief moment passed before Baekhyun decided to hold his breath and move past the athlete. He felt suffocated for reasons unknown to him. He needed the window open. As he was unclasping the lock, he heard Chanyeol move from behind.
“Then what do you want? What do you want to do? What do you want me to do?”
Even without glancing at the other’s face, Baekhyun knew he was finally tearing him down. The world outside his cold window seemed so calm. It was tempting to run away from the situation again, to escape from the boy rather than to face him, but Baekhyun knew that the least he could ever offer was a bit of integrity.
“I wish we could go back to the time of the school trip… I feel like it was one of the few times where I felt like it was okay to just be...us. ” Baekhyun turned his head back to look at him. “No one knew about us. I didn’t feel like I was somehow under a microscope--something to be talked about and scrutinized.”
“I’m sorry, then. It’s my fault that people--”
“Stop--”
“No!” Chanyeol caught himself. His knuckles were beginning to lose color, but the sudden reminder of the letters Baekhyun kept secret to himself brought about a reignition of rage not just with himself, but the people involved. “If you ever felt that way just for being with me, then that’s a sign that I didn’t do my job right as your boyfriend. I should’ve--”
“You should’ve what?” Baekhyun snapped. “You should’ve ‘noticed’? Found out who was spreading rumours about me? Is that what you were going to say? Not that it matters. Nothing would’ve changed anyways.”
“I would’ve tried.”
“I know you would’ve but I wouldn’t have accepted your help.” Receding back, Baekhyun shook his head, putting a hand over his face. In silence, he sat on the edge of his bed. “I love you...but I don’t need you, Chanyeol.”
“Baek--”
“I can live without you. That’s what I know right now.” Staring at the floorboards, Baekhyun kept his stoic front. “There were times when I thought that we might actually be okay, but I was wrong.”
Chanyeol felt the dryness in his throat, but that didn’t keep the tears fighting to fall from his eyes. “You’re just saying that to hurt me.”
“I’m saying it because it’s the how I feel--and you always keep telling me to tell you what my feelings are. Well, this is it. Do you not like it?”
“You’re not being honest with me--”
“Do you not like it!?”
“No, I don’t!” Chanyeol’s loud voice stopped Baekhyun mid-sentence. “When you love somebody, the last thing you’d want to do is hurt them… So, I don’t want to think that you’re being honest with me, because if this is how you really feel, then…”
“Then what?”
Chanyeol hung his head. Defeated. “Then just say it… Say that you never really loved me. If you’re going to be honest, then at least tell me that.”
As the brunet ran his eyes from the fists that had unclenched, tired, and weak, to the heaving shoulders of the boy in front of him, the words were fighting to break from his mouth. But as Chanyeol raised his eyes, Baekhyun caught a glimpse of the destruction he had caused and found himself saying his last goodbye.
“I’m sorry…”
And though he hadn’t said the exact words that were asked of him, his message was clear.
I never loved you.