Like Night and Day 43
Chapter 43
Breaking Point
a/n: Um, this is long. I apologzie for typos. I'm tired, my beta is being a hoe, she is partying tonight. Excuse me okay ;;; let me know of any mistakes tho. I'm still a grammar hoe. With love! PS: THIS HAS FLUFF. Don't be :(
Chanyeol kept the ripped pieces of the letters in his back pocket until he returned to his room where he shoved the papers into his bag to take home. He was unsure on how to approach Baekhyun on the matter, but at the same time, he questioned whether he should. He wanted to. Deep in his gut, he really felt as if he needed to confront the issue head on but Baekhyun’s character made it difficult, because no matter what they did, no matter how many times they kissed and exchanged small words of assurance, Chanyeol felt like it was never good enough. Especially then. He could already feel the dust of their relationship begin to surface, the crumbling of loose parts Baekhyun never allowed for them to fix, and the collapse of everything that they wanted to have.
It made class a difficult challenge to upkeep. Chanyeol couldn’t pay attention very well, the pencil in his hand always stalling or writing down words that had nothing to do with the lecture. Though he wanted to keep up, especially with the fact that he wanted to be less dependant on Baekhyun when it came to school work, convinced that it might take some load off their relationship, the athlete found that he couldn’t focus at all.
Between Baekhyun’s two-worded text and the lack of follow up messages was drilling a hole in his head. It was the only thing he could think about besides the letters that were beginning to take an obvious toll on their relationship.
Chanyeol wanted to know how long Baekhyun had been receiving the hate, almost angry how he, himself, wasn’t even aware of the situation and had to--of all the things--beg the information out from Kyungsoo. As his boyfriend, he should’ve known first, not the ex, but Kyungsoo had the upper hand with everything, making him feel absolutely pathetic and worthless with no added value.
There was no doubt in his mind that Kyungsoo knew who was sending the letters and who might’ve committed the kidnapping hoax. Gripping the pencil in his hand, Chanyeol shook. It was always Kyungsoo who knew everything, who had Baekhyun first, and who Baekhyun solely trusted with anything.
Jealousy was a fine monster hiding in everyone’s closet, and Chanyeol’s darkness was no exception.
While Baekhyun was off silently fighting wars with people and problems he adamantly kept to himself despite the giant’s pleas, Chanyeol was convinced that he was the only one fighting for both of them. Whereas the brunet fought for himself, the athlete felt like he had to battle everything out with Kyungsoo as well as others such as the older gentlemen Baekhyun worked with and sometimes, even Baekhyun, himself.
It made him angry, pissed and beyond rageful. He wanted nothing more than to walk out of the classroom and drag Baekhyun out from his own, but in the back of his mind, Chanyeol knew he couldn’t do that. The brunet needed to be in attendance with every single one of his lectures so he could graduate on time and finish high school, and Chanyeol didn’t want to be the jerk to endanger his boyfriend’s graduation status.
He tuned in to the teacher once more. Something about the light theory and wave lengths… Chanyeol bowed his head, his eyes kept on the notebook in front of him with scribbled words from the lecture here and there, but all in all, the paper was nearly blank.
Not being able to take it any longer, Chanyeol glanced up to double check on the teacher’s position and gave himself the clear once he saw how the instructor’s back was turned away from the class itself. Reaching into his front pocket, he crouched low behind the student sitting in front of him, set his phone on silent, and opened his conversation with the young brunet.
He paused for a second, eyes stuck on the small photo Chanyeol had as Baekhyun’s contact icon. He had taken it during the bus ride to the camp in their earlier days together. Baekhyun had fallen asleep, and though it had made Chanyeol jealous at the time since the brunet sometimes swayed to his right and leaned against Yixing, he couldn’t help but find him peaceful. So, he took the photo, which he later admitted to one night after Baekhyun finally agreed to date him, and despite how the latter grumbled about it being an awful photo, he let the giant keep it.
Blinking, Chanyeol snapped out of his thoughts when he realized he was remembering the memory as one would nostalgically remember an old lover. He shook the feelings aside, unwanting of the terrible feelings that came with it. Bringing up the keyboard, he thumbed several messages, never sending one and always feeling unsatisfied with it.
Those love letters…
He backspaced.
Hey, how’re you holding up?
Again, Chanyeol deleted the message.
How’s your headache? Feeling any better?
He looked at the letters for a minute, deleting and rewriting, unsure of why he was so picky and paranoid over the wording when it was only a simple sentence. Unexpectedly, however, a pop up came down, notifying him of a message from Baekhyun.
Surprised due to the fact that Baekhyun rarely texted first, Chanyeol immediately sat up, straighter and out of the ordinary in comparison to those around him. He whispered a quiet sorry to his neighbors for causing a slight distraction before turning his attention back to his phone (once he checked to see if the teacher was facing away).
The initial surprise and tiny bit of happiness brought on by Baekhyun’s message quickly died when Chanyeol finally read the short message itself.
[ Baekhyun ]
Hey. I’m not feeling that great... Do you mind if I just go straight home instead of staying with you during your practice?
Swallowing, Chanyeol drew his lips into a thin line as he answered back.
[ Chanyeol ]
That’s completely fine! Don’t worry about it. Just get some rest.
[ Baekhyun ]
Thanks.
[ Chanyeol ]
Is your headache that bad? Did you get to eat?
[ Baekhyun ]
The pain reliever I bought isn’t working well enough, and yes. I did.
For a while, Chanyeol stared at the response… He knew Baekhyun well enough to realize that his answers were often lies just to keep him from being too overly worried and concerned, but Chanyeol couldn’t help it. He’d always worry over small things that involved Baekhyun, because what else could he do? Sit by and watch the brunet overwork and deprive himself? It was painful enough watching him have to deal with emotions and the goddamn letters all by himself, and it hurt Chanyeol’s gut even more as a man for being so completely useless.
There wasn’t much he could do. If he were to tell Baekhyun to eat healthy, the latter would most likely tell him what he wanted to hear… If he asked him if he was lying, Baekhyun would say no… With every turn, it was a dead end, so Chanyeol said the only thing that he knew how to say a million times, each with the same amount of heart and longing as the last.
[ Chanyeol ]
Okay! I love you, Byun Baekhyun.
[ Baekhyun ]
I love you, too, Park.
[ Chanyeol ]
I think I’ll be in love with you for the next millennium!
[ Baekhyun ]
Just love me day by day. You never know when you’re going to wake up and realize you don’t love me anymore.
[ Chanyeol ]
I like to be optimistic, Mr. Byun.
[ Baekhyun ]
I know…
Frowning, Chanyeol never realized his heart was beginning to pound faster and faster… He didn’t know why there was a gut-wrenching feeling in his gut. Baekhyun hadn’t said anything to make him feel that way, but the athlete just…
[ Baekhyun ]
I love you, okay?
Chanyeol couldn’t understand why those words brought him sadness than the joy. He couldn’t be happy about it when all he wanted to do was face Baekhyun in person so he could look into his eyes and see what he was really thinking. Technology couldn’t allow that. He wanted to know what Baekhyun’s face looked like when he typed those words, to know how he was feeling at the moment he pressed send.
[ Chanyeol ]
I know you do!
[ Baekhyun ]
You deserve the world, but I love you.
[ Chanyeol ]
Is there a special reason as to why you’ve said that you love me about three times now?
[ Baekhyun ]
My reasons aren’t special. I just wanted to tell you.
[ Chanyeol ]
You really are sick if you’re being cheesy of text which you never really are!
[ Baekhyun ]
I guess you could say I’ve been a little sick nowadays.
[ Chanyeol ]
Well, I’ll be here to take care of you then. Always!
After that, Baekhyun ceased to answer. The way the conversation ended was so unfinished, as if Baekhyun was displeased with the last message the athlete sent. Once a few minutes passed with no response, Chanyeol changed the subject.
[ Chanyeol ]
After practice, can I come over to your house?
This time, it took Baekhyun less than a minute to respond, and with a one worded reply, Chanyeol could feel himself sinking.
[ Baekhyun ]
No.
-
-
Baekhyun knew he had to slowly pull himself away and create a distance. He could feel his heart drop the second he rejected the player’s small request to see him after school. The feeling of awfulness only grew when Chanyeol replied with a simple, “Okay, I understand. Feel better soon!”. He was either completely oblivious or he was doing what Baekhyun often did around him--falsifying a strong and happy front.
Sometimes, it felt like they were playing a game of who could pretend more than the other. Though he had his faults, Baekhyun knew that sometimes Chanyeol played the exact same tactics he did when he was around the towering giant. Always smiling, always lying just to make the other happy.
They teetered-tottered between what was truly real and what was nothing but a fake mask. But Baekhyun wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, he was hurt that Chanyeol had to play the same game. He knew that it was all because of him and there was no way for him to cope or deal with the guilt except to keep to himself even more, which inevitably enabled the entire cycle of pretending to continue on.
True to his word, Chanyeol never arrived unexpectedly at his doorstep that night. Baekhyun found himself slightly disappointed, but then realized that there was nothing to be disappointed about. He was the one who told Chanyeol no and the athlete was too good to him to go back on his word.
Too good. Always good.
And Baekhyun was never enough for him, at least, in his mind.
He spent the night doing something he hadn’t done in a long time; listening to his music. Chanyeol never texted him once, an odd factor, but Baekhyun tried to ignore the feeling in his chest as much as he could, drowning out his thoughts with a Cranberries album. In his head, he convinced himself that he needed to start reverting back to his old habits. He didn’t want to wait for text messages and feel crestfallen when none arrived. Chanyeol was the sole reason why he often stayed awake, and Baekhyun began to feel heartbroken at the realization that his entire world had changed, revolving around the basketball player without him even noticing.
How hard would nights be after he does the unthinkable? How difficult would everything be to try and forget the latter and to pretend as if they never happened? Old habits like arriving home and popping a new playlist on his phone so he could spend the rest of the evening listening and reading something educational would never be the same…
It’s always harder to revert back to an old lifestyle, especially when the present was so good and so right…
Shoving his face into a pillow, Baekhyun had a good mind to suffocate himself, at least for a while before he turned back over and stared at his ceiling, wondering what Chanyeol was doing at that exact same moment, unknowing of the fact that the athlete was doing the same and fighting the urge to text him...
-
-
Baekhyun arrived earlier than he usually did at school the next day, but to his surprise, there was nothing in his cubby box except his shoes. It was suspicious, though at the same time, he it didn’t bother him. Maybe his tormentors were satisfied seeing him so close to the breaking point, or maybe they could already sense that there was no longer a need to push him when their words had already done its damage.
As he was changing his shoes, girls squealed in a corner of the cubby area. Turning his head, Baekhyun watched a male student said something inaudible to him, but his poster asking the female student to prom was evident enough for Baekhyun to not miss. Within a minute, the girl accepted his flowers and the two hugged.
Baekhyun looked away and finished his business.
-
-
Chanyeol wanted to go to prom with him, but that was starting to become an impossible dream. There might’ve been a chance before, but Baekhyun had changed his mind. To cut a clean break between them, he needed to detach himself and reject the latter.
He could always break up with Chanyeol. At any point in the day, he could… But he didn’t want to. Baekhyun was dragging his feet even on the issue, because he didn’t want to do it.
But wants versus needs had a clear distinction, and Baekhyun needed to do it one way or another… The process, for him, was slow because there was still a part of him that wanted it all.
Baekhyun walked, headed on his way to his homeroom until he crossed paths with Chanyeol who came from the boys’ restroom at the same time Baekhyun was passing by.
It was a weird feeling to stare at one another and feel as though they were on non-speaking terms, as if they didn’t have the right to greet each other comfortably. After a few seconds, Baekhyun smiled and nodded before attempting to keep walking. Chanyeol, on the other hand, wasn’t satisfied, especially with the hellish evening the night before. He walked quickly, catching up to the brunet in no time and grabbed his hand, pulling him to a stop around a corner just out from anyone’s view.
“Chanyeol, what’re you doing?”
“I don’t know, Baek,” Chanyeol replied. “What was that back there?”
“What do you mean?”
“You didn’t even say hi to me or… Why did you just stare at me and walk away? Why did you treat me like someone you barely knew?”
“I didn’t mean to treat you that way, Chanyeol. I just need to get to my homeroom before the first session starts. I have to talk to my teacher.”
Chanyeol looked at him and Baekhyun could tell the latter didn’t believe him. “Did something happen…? Are you really sick?”
“I’m fine, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said, gently pulling his hand free from the athlete’s hold. “I’m not sick, and the headache is gone. I get that you’re concerned, but there’s really nothing to worry about.”
“I worry a lot when it comes to you, Baekhyun.”
“I know you do--”
“But I also worry when it comes to us...” Chanyeol’s jaw set. “Don’t act like that around me ever again. Promise me.”
“Chanyeol--”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said in an irritated tone, cutting him off. “Promise me… You can give me all the one-worded answers you want, and you can stop replying to me when you don’t feel like talking anymore, but I’m going to start drawing some lines in order to keep this relationship safe because you know how much you mean to me. No matter what’s going on, don’t act like we don’t know each other… Don’t just look and move on like I’m nobody-- Baekhyun, I’m your boyfriend and you didn’t even say hi to me… Promise me right now, Baek. Please.”
“Chanyeol, it’s too early for this--”
“It’s so simple, though…”
Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s not.”
“Fine,” Chanyeol said angrily. “Then tell me what’s wrong… Why wouldn’t you let me visit you last night? Why’re you acting so distant now?”
“Why’re you asking so many questions?” Baekhyun countered. “Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t feel like dealing with you?”
Chanyeol was taken aback. His hands by his side as he took a step back. He looked hurt, something Baekhyun had slightly intended for, but never thought twice about.
“You don’t tell me anything when I’ve told you a thousand times that you can trust me.”
“I don’t want to burden you--”
“So you think that hurting me is the best alternative!?” Chanyeol snapped. “You always do this. Whenever I get too close to something you’re trying to hide, you say something or you do something that you know will hurt me so that I learn how to stay away. Baekhyun, you can’t keep doing this-- Sweetheart, I love you--”
“See, how do you know if you really do?”
Chanyeol stopped, staring at him in disbelief as if he had heard the brunet wrong. “What the hell do you mean by that!?”
“Forget I said anything.”
“Byun Baekhyun, tell me what you meant!”
“I just think that--” Baekhyun stopped. The school bell rang, signaling the start of the day, and the brunet closed his eyes as the elongated sound continued on… He waited for the end. “I just think that sometimes...you feel so safe in one place, you’re afraid to venture out into the unknown… So don’t settle for safe if that’s how you feel about me, because you deserve the world.”
Chanyeol could do nothing but stare at him, words lost before they could even be born. He watched as Baekhyun withdrew his eyes from contact and looked down, his hooded eyes seemingly hollow and void as he tried to avoid the giant’s gaze.
With his head lowered, Baekhyun quietly excused himself before walking away and leaving Chanyeol to only follow him with his eyes, words still lingering and echoing in his head.
-
-
He hadn’t planned on having the morning confrontation with Chanyeol, but Baekhyun felt himself pulled into it and his exhaustion led to poor choices, which inevitably allowed certain thoughts to spill out from his mouth. Running his hands down his face, Baekhyun stifled a quiet groan.
It was lunch hour, and he needed to eat. Having skipped breakfast for no reason than to just follow his usual habit, his stomach was feeling empty despite not feeling any real indications of hunger.
Lying down on the library floor, he closed his eyes, attempting to shut everything out. It was what he was good at, and it made him feel at peace sometimes because in order to forget the world, he needed to be by himself.
However, no matter how hard he tried, whenever he closed his eyes, all he could see was the way Chanyeol had looked at him when he snapped and asked whether or not his love was just an illusion, a lie… In that moment, Baekhyun began to second guess the answers he gave Kyungsoo.
Would he really be fine as friends with Chanyeol? Though it might hurt for a while and it might be difficult pretending as though neither of them wanted the other to be more than just a friend, Baekhyun was sure that he would eventually be okay… But to the question of whether or not he would be fine if Chanyeol turned to hate him, the brunet wasn’t so sure anymore.
It’d hurt, but it’d be his fault. Chanyeol’s hate and his own guilt would do nothing more than to push them apart even more, making a friendship after their break up impossible…
But it didn’t have to hurt. There were ways to cope, and the best way many individuals coped with hurt and pain was to pretend as if nothing ever happened… He could pretend their relationship never gave weight, and he could pretend he never kissed the basketball player’s soft lips.
Because if something never happened, then it can’t touch the individual…
A lot of people objected to the idea of being numb, but Baekhyun was very familiar with it, and it was the only thing he knew how to do in terms of dealing with certain things. Maybe it was something Kyungsoo had inadvertently taught him… Then again, some of the latter’s habits, he did pick up slowly over time and--
“Why aren’t you eating your lunch?”
Snapping his eyes open, Baekhyun froze, feeling his breath caught in his throat before he relaxed. However, rather than sitting up or lifting his head to face the individual speaking to him, he continued to lie on the floor, staring straight ahead at the white ceiling.
“I wasn’t feeling very hungry.”
He could tell Chanyeol wasn’t too happy by the heavy sound of his silence, but Baekhyun added nothing to his dialogue to try and ease the athlete. It wasn’t worth it for some reason.
After some time of letting the silence create a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere, Chanyeol finally spoke… “I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun could feel his fingers curl into fists. “Don’t.”
“Baekhyun--”
“Don’t apologize to me.”
“I shouldn’t have cornered you over something so small and stupid this morning.”
“Stop talking.”
“Baekhyun, can you just let me say what I have to say? And get off the floor, please. At least sit up and look at me. I know you’re mad right now, but can we just talk?”
“I’m not mad.”
Before he knew it, Baekhyun saw Chanyeol bending down over him and pulling him up just enough to place him into a sitting position against a bookshelf. Forcibly, he was made to finally look the boy in the eyes.
“If you’re not mad, then what are you?”
Drawing his lips into a thin line, Baekhyun gave him a light shrug. Uncommitted. “I’m not anything… Just don’t apologize to me about anything. I won’t accept it.”
Chanyeol looked as though he wanted to reject the response, but realize he couldn’t argue directly right then and there for fear that the brunet would only follow his lead and escalate the situation.
Instead, he glanced away before sitting down on the floor, right across where he had placed Baekhyun. “Tell me what you meant back there… Why did you ask how I know if I’m really in love with you. I want you to tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I told you to forget about it.”
“How can I just forget about it that easily?” Chanyeol retorted. “I want to know where this is coming from, Baekhyun. Talk to me!”
“Chanyeol, stop being so goddamn annoying!” Baekhyun said sharply before putting both of his hands over his face, dragging them down as he recollected himself. “I said it was nothing. I don’t understand why you insist there’s something wrong when--”
“I insist because I’m your boyfriend and--”
“Then why don’t I just break up with you. Will that make you stop?”
Blinking, Chanyeol was caught off guard by Baekhyun’s sudden foul mood, but that meant did nothing to deter him. Though a bit unnerved, the athlete sat in silence, letting the other breathe before speaking again.
“I don’t know what’s happening to you… One day, you let me hold you and kiss you, then next you’re pushing me away. This always happens and it’s been happening more and more often, Baek. I just want to know what you’re going through so that we don’t have to keep hurting each other.” He paused. “I don’t see why you can’t just accept the fact that I love you.”
Slowly, Baekhyun lowered his hands, eyes peeking through his fingers until they finally caught full view of the male staring right at him. “You want to know what’s happening? I’m starting to realize that I should’ve listened to my head months ago… I shouldn’t have let this--this thing between us--get to where it is now… I know you love me. You’re really just too sweet, Chanyeol. You know that? But the chemistry is wrong. We’re wrong. I told you that oil and water will never mix. I also told you that one drop of black ink can taint an entire cup of pure water.”
“Don’t tell me you’re back to thinking that you don’t deserve me… I thought we were over this, Baek,” Chanyeol said, his hands curled into fists on his lap. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that you’re the only one that I want! I’ll get a tattoo of your name on my arm if that’s what you want me to do to prove to you that I’m being serious!”
“Please don’t. I don’t want my name on your body. That stuff’s permanent,” Baekhyun muttered, rubbing his forehead. “And for the record, I know that you’re serious... Thank you. It’s flattering, but--”
“Thank you. It’s flattering!?” Chanyeol stared at him. “Why are you intentionally trying to push me away--my feelings away like they’re nothing? I tell you that I love you and you’re thanking me like I just gave you a compliment about your hair, Baekhyun! Do you hear yourself? Baekhyun, if there’s something that’s happening, anything at all, tell me! Right now. I’m giving you the chance, Baek. I won’t judge you--You know I’d never do that. I want to work things out with whatever’s going on, but you have to let me in!”
“I think it’s better to keep you out of my head, Chanyeol. It’s a mess.” Laughing quietly, Baekhyun shook his head. “We fight more than normal couples. Have you noticed that? Funny, isn’t it?”
Chanyeol frowned. He didn’t answer.
“I love you a lot, Chanyeol… I might lie to you every day just to keep you oblivious, but I do love you.” Baekhyun drew his eyes down for a moment, attention on Chanyeol tense hands. “I mean, you have really large hands and they’re kind of rough, but my hands always feel like they belong with yours, and you’re probably the most gentle giant I’ve ever met…”
“Baek.”
“But that’s the thing. You’re the best, and it always makes me feel like an asshole having to drag you into my ugly mess of a mind.” Baekhyun bit his bottom lip, meeting Chanyeol’s eyes once again. “You know, earth is but a small pixel in the universe… Actually, who knows how many universes there are. For all we know, there could be a world out there where you’re not dating me, but instead, you’re dating someone else--let’s say, in this case, the fourth person you dated. The one before me… And in this other universe, they’re perfect for you. No fights, no arguments. Just a lot of kissing and other things, and it’s completely happy. It all works out and in this other universe, you have no idea who I am… I’m just another kid on the roll call.”
“Baekhyun, I don’t care about that other universe, because this is ours, and right here, right now, I’m dating you and I’m in love with you.”
“But think about it. No arguments, no boyfriend who’s constantly feeling like shit for one reason or another--”
“I would never want to live in a reality where you don’t even exist to me, so stop talking about it.”
Sighing, the brunet closed his eyes, the books on the shelf poking the back of his head. “Let’s break up.”
“No.”
Baekhyun had expected that response, so he made no retort on the matter, moving on with the conversation. “I just want you to open your eyes.”
“You tell me that, but you keep trying to pull a blanket over me whenever I ask you about personal things.”
“It’s for the best of things. It’s for the best for you.”
“No, it’s not… How can it be for the best if it makes both of us feel like we’re both at our worst? You love me, Baek… What’s stopping you from living in this moment, in this reality? Who’s telling you that we’re not compatible, that our chemistry isn’t right? You said it yourself. Your hands fit in mine, and that’s how I want it to always be. I don’t want another person’s hand in my hand. I want yours… Always yours, Byun Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun never thought of himself as emotional. He had learned how to shut his feelings down so many times in the past, it just became a habit, but Chanyeol always had his way of finding the weak areas of every wall he’s ever built.
His throat became dry, and for defenses sake, Baekhyun turned his face to try and cover his wet eyes, wiping away as fast as he could to avoid the tears from rolling down his face, but after a few moments, he felt Chanyeol’s hand hold him, preventing him from covering himself.
“Don’t cry…” Chanyeol whispered softly, scooting forward. Baekhyun tried to pull his hand back but the latter wouldn’t budge. He only leaned in and began to wipe with the sleeve of his varsity jacket. “You said a lot of mean things to me just now and you don’t see me crying… You even wanted to break up, and look at me. Tears-free.”
Baekhyun hated being babied, but with his back against the shelf and Chanyeol’s hand keeping his own at bay, he had no other choice but to let the athlete touch him, caressing his cheek softly.
“You’re really annoying sometimes, Chanyeol…”
“If being annoying means that we’ll stop fighting for once while I wipe your precious tears off your face, then, yeah… I’m annoying.” Chanyeol paused for a few seconds before he quietly added, “I’m sorry, though… Really…”
Baekhyun shrugged.
“I did mean everything… You’re the only one for me, problems and all.” Giving him a small grin, Chanyeol cocked his head. “Sure, we might’ve met under pretentious circumstances, but it all worked out.”
Unbeknownst to the giant’s eyes, Baekhyun's lips twitched.
“Now, enough with the tears… We can’t waste lunch hour crying, though I don’t really mind your snot all over my sleeve. I’m okay with that.”
Smacking him on the arm, Baekhyun tried to push him away, but Chanyeol only laughed, moving even closer. “Listen… There’s a game on Saturday… Come. Please,” the athlete said quietly, his forehead against the brunet’s own. “Afterwards, I have something to talk to you about. Something you won’t bring up first, so I think that I should just sit you down and talk about it with you but without the arguing and the tears… Okay?”
Apprehensive at first, Baekhyun began to shake his head, but when he felt the giant’s hand gently graze along his jawline, he found himself caught up in the feelings of the sweet moment and quietly answered, “Okay.”
-
-
The problem with simple answers like “Okay” was that Baekhyun rarely ever meant them.
In a crowd of hundreds with students, parents, and faculty members, not once did Chanyeol see the brunet that Saturday night. His absence was a blaring signal, one that the giant couldn’t ignore. During halftime, as their coach went over plays and mistakes made, he often found himself darting looks over at the student section, hoping that he might’ve just missed the small male, but after minutes upon minutes of constant searching, Chanyeol arrived to the conclusion that Baekhyun hadn’t kept his word.
-
-
Baekhyun’s shift on Saturday was scheduled to end at four-thirty, early enough to head over to the high school for his boyfriend’s game, but he didn’t want to go… It meant taking one step back in his entire grand scheme. He didn’t want Chanyeol to think that everything had been fixed and that he was completely fine when he wasn’t.
It was clear to him that Chanyeol was the type of person who’d persevere through all the little things that Baekhyun found hard to cope with, and that no matter what he threw at him, Chanyeol would always find a way to retort.
He knew he shouldn’t have, but Baekhyun needed the excuse to miss the basketball game, even if it meant destroying one of his moralistic pillars along the way.
Just as he was about to leave the shop, Jihoon approached him with the usual grin on his face, casual as he was every day. A foreboding feeling began to rise in Baekhyun’s gut, but he stayed and listened to his senior.
After an exchange of words, an offer came around. “Do you want to head back to my place? A few friends of mine are going to have some fun tonight.”
What Baekhyun thought of as fun was not the same as most people, but nonetheless, he agreed.
“All the chicken and beer you could want,” Jihoon had said as he grabbed Baekhyun by the waist. “I’m telling you, princess. No one’s going to judge you at this potluck, so let loose. You’re looking a little too sad for my taste.”
-
-
Hanging out at Jihoon’s apartment was, at first, slightly uncomfortable, but only due to the fact that Baekhyun was the first and only guest for an hour, but as soon as the sun began to lose its color and the darkness began to seep in, more people arrive, all bringing different things, and soon enough, Baekhyun was invisible in the crowd of young adults.
Sitting down at the table, Baekhyun watched as Jihoon began placing empty shot glasses in front of everyone. There were more bottles than the brunet could even count on the table, all different brands, and even more in the corner of his senior’s kitchen where they have placed the excess.
As if reading his mind, Jihoon flashed Baekhyun a grin when he finished distributing. “I know you said that you don’t drink, but let me tell you something about alcohol, princess. It turns your frown upside down. Promise.”
As the youngest, Baekhyun poured. The first round felt coerced. Drinking alcohol was something he had no intention of ever doing. Not only were the health effects terrible in the long run, but just the thought of drinking something that could totally wreck him senseless was scary and unappealing. However, the buzz after was enough to hook him.
After a while, when people began to eat and the television was blasting a soccer game in the back, Jihoon snapped open a can of beer and handed it to Baekhyun, saying, “It’s okay. We’re all adults here. No one will tell.”
As Baekhyun found out, the man had been right. The shots did nothing but buzz him. His spirits began to lighten and all thoughts about Chanyeol and the basketball game became irrelevant. All of a sudden, he didn’t care, and he felt happy.
Somehow, in the midst of all the noise and the people, Baekhyun ended up on Jihoon’s couch with two other guys who were screaming and yelling at the television set. Baekhyun only laughed at them, his fourth beer in his hand by the time seven-thirty ticked on by, giddy and feeling slightly too happy for his own good.
After a while, Jihoon touched him on his thigh to get his attention and cocked his head. “Move over.”
Without answering back, Baekhyun sloppily moved to his left, making room for the other to sit down and join him. They didn’t speak for a while, watching the game quietly, which Baekhyun had no interest in but really couldn’t have cared less anyways.
Then, Jihoon shifted his body to face the brunet and he tried to get the latter to look back at him. Baekhyun’s eyes, however, stayed blank, staring at the set. “So, what’s going on at school?”
“Nothing,” Baekhyun muttered, shrugging his shoulders. School was as it always was--technically.
“Are you sure about that, princess? You weren’t exactly yourself today.”
“How is my usual self then?” Baekhyun asked, sounding offended. “I’m fine. I arrived to work on time and everything. I did my job.”
“Yes, but this right here,” Jihoon replied, putting his finger gently on the corner of Baekhyun’s lips, “wasn’t very, I don’t know what to call it… Cheerful, I guess. Not that you’re ever cheerful, but you were more not-cheerful today than you’re usual not-cheerfulness. Understood?”
“You’re confusing for an old man,” Baekhyun muttered, sinking deeper into the couch. He glanced down at his beer can again and thought about a few things from Chanyeol to his life choices at the moment before thinking “fuck it” and gulping down another drink. “You know… Beer is disgusting.”
“Maybe for you since you’ve never had any before,” Jihoon said, smiling. “What’s that? Your third?”
“Fourth.”
“You should slow down.”
“No… I don’t like the taste, but I like what it does.” Pursing his lips, Baekhyun looked back at him. “I’m not nearly as drunk as I kind of want to be right now.”
“There are only a few reasons why someone would want to be drunk beyond hope, Baekhyun, and right now, you’re looking like one of those who have something depressing on their mind.”
Shrugging, Baekhyun took another gulp before asking, “You want to hear what happened? At school?”
Jihoon stared at him for a moment. “Did you break up with someone, princess?”
Baekhyun paused before shaking his head. “Not really.”
“Did you kill anybody?”
“No…”
“Then what is it about school that’s making you so upset? Even I graduated from that hell hole.”
Baekhyun sighed. He didn’t know why he was speaking with someone so irrelevant to his life about matters so close to his heart, matters that he didn’t even want to mention in front of Chanyeol, his own boyfriend, and yet…
“Did you go to prom?”
Suddenly, Jihoon laughed, grabbing Baekhyun by the shoulder and pulling him close against him. “Prom? No, I didn’t. Hated school, didn’t want to be around them. Oh, but one girl did ask me. Very pretty, a little thick, but I liked it.”
“Why didn’t you go with her?” Baekhyun asked, keeping still in his position. The way that Jihoon held him forced him to lean his head against the man’s chest.
“I told you, didn’t I? Prom is stupid.”
Baekhyun licked his dry bottom lip and nodded. It was stupid, just as he thought it was when Chanyeol first brought it up. Why he ever even considered going to such an event before, Baekhyun didn’t know… It might’ve had something to do with the athlete.
“Why’re you asking me about prom? Do you want to go?”
“No, I don’t.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, runt,” Jihoon teased, cocking his head at the brunet. “If you want to go, then go. Do you have a date?”
“I’m not going--”
“I’m taking that as a no. You don’t have a date.” After giving Baekhyun a thoughtful look for a few seconds, Jihoon’s eyes lit up. “Ah, I know. I’ll go with you.”
“You can’t be serious. You’re twenty years old.” Baekhyun snorted, rolling his eyes.
“You can fill out a form if your guest is from another school or just not in school at all. They have to be twenty-one or below. I remember high school, Byun. It wasn’t that long ago.”
“But I really don’t want to go to prom.”
“You don’t have to say that to avoid the embarrassment,” Jihoon said, laughing. “Tell you what. I’ll give you money for the tickets and the suit. Just look all nice and pretty for me when I come to pick you up. I can’t give you the entire prom experience, however. Sex with a minor is kind of illegal.”
Baekhyun shook his head, finally moving on his own will to scoot back to his original spot. “I don’t know if I really want to go… You know, sometimes it sounds fun. Kind of. Not entirely… It probably has its moments.”
“Drunk Baekhyun is the semi-optimistic Baekhyun, I see.”
Ignoring him, Baekhyun went on. “I don’t want to go to be a spectacle… I don’t want to go and have people stare at me if I went with someone that everyone, you know… knew.”
“I get it.”
“Life’s easier being the observer… It’s easier when you’re invisible and you’re no one else’s problem but your own.”
“If only you could live your life like that… You’d have to push everyone else away to live a life where no one bothers you.”
“Yeah… I guess…” It might’ve been a shit-poor decision, but as soon as Jihoon’s words began to sink in, a switch in Baekhyun’s mind flipped on and he immediately turned to the man right next to him. “Okay.”
“Okay what?”
“I’ll let you take me to prom.”
-
-
Baekhyun woke up to the sound of his cell phone ringing. He groaned, rolling over on whoever’s bed he was on, unable to figure out where he was exactly until a good minute or two passed, giving him time to arrive to his senses.
He could hear people out in the hall, in the living room. The bed didn’t smell like his own nor did the surrounding area resemble his room in any way. It was dark, lacking light except for the street lights peeking through the window blinds and the light coming from the complex’s hallway.
Feeling around, Baekhyun realized he was alone, but still couldn’t recall why he was there. Deciding to push the questions, he slowly moved his arm back to grab his cell phone from his back pocket. Trying to read the messages on the screen was pointless for a few seconds. His eyes needed to readjust to the lighting.
Seeing Chanyeol’s name several times, for some reason, sobered him up for a moment. Cursing, he shoved the phone on the bed, face first. The basketball game, Chanyeol, everything… It was all blurry but he could still remember. After a few minutes of coiling in the dark, Baekhyun looked at his phone once again to check the time. It was nearing ten-thirty.
All of Chanyeol’s calls and texts went unanswered. Except for one. A single call had been answered around nine twenty-five, but Baekhyun couldn’t remember talking to Chanyeol.
Pushing himself up the bed, Baekhyun sat in the darkness, listening to the muffled sound of laughter and singing in an apartment that did not belong to him. Licking his lips, he rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands before looking at the messages again once he dimmed the LCD lighting.
[ Chanyeol ]
Where are you?
[ Chanyeol ]
Are you at the game yet?
[ Chanyeol ]
Tell me where you’re sitting.
[ Chanyeol ]
Baekhyun, it’s half time. Please tell me that you’re here.
[ Chanyeol ]
You weren’t at the game. What happened?
[ Chanyeol ]
You’re not answering my calls. Can you at least let me know that you’re okay?
[ Chanyeol ]
I’m at your house. Your mom says you’re not here yet, so she let me in. I’m in your room.
[ Chanyeol ]
Baekhyun, I’m getting worried. Where are you?
[ Chanyeol ]
I asked your mom if I could stay a little longer. She said I could… Get home, wherever you are.
There were other texts in between, but Baekhyun only skimmed through it all. After the nine twenty-five call was answered, Chanyeol’s messages felt more subtly angrier and urgent. Whatever had happened with that call, it made the athlete more determined, sounding strict and hard.
[ Chanyeol ]
Who was that? Who’s with you right now?
[ Chanyeol ]
Baekhyun, tell me where you are and I’ll come get you, sweetheart… Just give me an address. Even if it’s just a street corner.
[ Chanyeol ]
Stop ignoring my texts, Baek.
[ Chanyeol ]
When are you coming home?
[ Chanyeol ]
Answer your phone when you get my messages, please.
Running his hand through his hair, Baekhyun fought with himself until he pressed the button to call Chanyeol’s phone directly, hoping that the latter would pick up. After four rings, he was ready to end the attempt until he heard the other line respond.
“Baek.”
With headache pains swarming him and slight disorientation making him feel sick, Baekhyun groaned, bending himself over, pressing his forehead against the mattress. “Hey…”
“Where have you been? And why do you sound like you’re sick?”
“I’m just calling to let you know that I’m fine.”
“You’re fine...”
“Yes, I--” Baekhyun stopped, holding his breath. The queeziness in his stomach felt terrible. He continued on with a strained voice. “Quit worrying about me… I’m not your responsibility.”
“Baekhyun--”
Abruptly ending the call, Baekhyun closed his eyes, trying to level out his breathing. When he felt fine to move again, he raised his head and turned his eyes to the light from underneath the hallway door.
He put his feet on the floor and stood, trying to remain standing. When all was well, he walked to the door and walked groggily to the living room where Jihoon’s friends, still alive and loud, were drunkenly singing and eating food that hadn’t been there before. Baekhyun could only guess that they had ordered more when more people arrived.
“Baekhyun!”
Blindsided, Baekhyun was caught off guard when Jihoon put his hand on his shoulder, beer bottle in hand. “Finally awake?”
“Yeah, um…” Baekhyun pinched the bridge of his nose. “Did I pass out or…?”
“No--Well… Kind of. Guess I kinda kissed you so hard, I deprived you of oxygen.” After seeing the glaring expression on Baekhyun’s face, the man laughed. “I’m kidding, but really. Stop staying up all night doing whatever it is that you do. No wonder you crashed, plus with all the meals you skip, what kind of energy do you have?”
“Alright, alright…” the brunet muttered. “I get it… I want to go home now.”
“Let me get my jacket.”
“Jihoon--”
“I can’t let you take the bus. Look at you. You’re hazy,” the man said, shaking his head as he put his bottle down and grabbed his jacket from the couch. “Plus it’s late. You never go on the bus late at night unless you’re with someone you know who can protect you. I like you, princess, but I don’t really like doing all the protecting thing, so come on. Get your shoes. I’ll pay for the cab.”
-
-
The night was such a lonely time, especially with all the neon lights that tried to bring life into an hour so dead, so hollow. Baekhyun felt its effects as he watched buildings and people with no purpose pass by during the drive.
When they arrived at his house, Jihoon opened his door first before walking around and helping Baekhyun out despite the brunet insisting that he was perfectly fine on his own. After asking the driver to wait a few moments, Jihoon held him with a grip on his arm and carefully walked them both past the waist-high gate of Baekhyun’s home and on to the porch where they were greeted by a tall figure.
“There you are. Can’t believe you’re still here.” Baekhyun could feel Jihoon’s hold slowly leave him. “Alright, Baekhyun. I’m handing you over to your friend, here.”
Looking up, Baekhyun frowned. Then, he looked back at Jihoon who was practically shoving him in Chanyeol’s hands. “Why did you contact him?”
“I didn’t. I just answered your phone,” Jihoon replied, shrugging. “I’ll see you later, princess. Sorry it feels like I’m just dumping you, but I still have people at my place. I’ll see you at work. Don’t forget about our little date!”
The man left in a cool stride, but even in Baekhyun’s state he could tell that Jihoon really was in a hurry to make sure he wouldn’t be evicted or filed a complaint against with all the people and activity going on in his apartment. His departure, however, gave the brunet no other choice but to raise his head and look at the boy who was holding him, keeping him from wobbling over to the side.
Rather than greeting him, which was Baekhyun’s first instinct until he decided that based on Chanyeol’s face, it would probably be useless, the brunet took in a deep breath and asked, “Where’re my parents?”
Chanyeol didn’t immediately respond, which was expected. His silence was understandable. It wasn’t until he helped Baekhyun in the house and locked the door behind them that Chanyeol, with his hand holding Baekhyun by his tiny waist, answered. “They’re sleeping… Your mother said I could stay the night, and I told them I’d wait up for you.”
Baekhyun pursed his lips, but nodded as they got to the stairs. “Why aren’t they here yelling at me for being home so late?”
“Because I told them you were with Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol said in a hard voice. “I told them that you went to the game, but left early with him, to his house, and that when I came here, I thought you had left already, but apparently not, so I asked if I could stay.”
“You didn’t have to cover for me.”
Chanyeol only shrugged.
When they got to his room, Baekhyun could see that his mother had given Chanyeol the extra futon. The basketball player had settled his duffle bag near it, near his bed…
Kyungsoo was right. Chanyeol cared too damn much, and Baekhyun didn’t know what it was about the fact that the giant had decided to put his futon right next to his bed, so respectful yet so securely close to his own bed that made him want to push the latter away.
It was too much--too much care for a person like him, too much of anything for someone who deserved it the least.
Shaking his head, Baekhyun pulled away from him, pulling his shoes off and tossing them to the side before kneeling on the floor to start putting away all of Chanyeol’s belongings.
“You have to go home, Chanyeol. You can’t stay here.”
“Baekhyun, stop,” Chanyeol said. His tone was serious, but his mannerism was gentle when he put his hands under the brunet’s arms to pull him up. “Come on… We have to get you cleaned up. At least a change of clothes and--”
“You can’t stay in my room, Chanyeol!”
“It’s late, Baek. Let’s just change you into your pajamas and we can sleep this night off.”
“Don’t act like this,” Baekhyun begged, trying to wriggle out from Chanyeol’s touch. “Don’t treat me like this, Park. Don’t.”
“I’m not trying to treat you like anything! It’s been a long night and--”
“Why’re you treating me like a child? Like I need to be told to change my clothes or to sleep-- Why can’t you just yell at me and be mad like I know you are!?”
Chanyeol locked his jaw. He heaved Baekhyun off the floor and managed to toss him on the bed. The brunet was quick in scrambling back up.
“I am mad, Baek… I’m beyond fucking pissed at you!”
Baekhyun continued to watch him. This was the Chanyeol he was waiting for. The angry one, the one who showed him what he wanted to see; the signs of hate.
“But I can’t yell at you because your parents are sleeping. I can’t yell at you because I can tell you’re fucking drunk! What am I supposed to do to you when you’re like this!?”
“Hit me!”
“I would never hit you! Drunk or not, Baekhyun, I would never--”
“Then maybe you should start especially since I’m a cheating son of a bitch who deserves to be hit in face!” Baekhyun snapped, curling his his hands and scrunching the bedsheet. “I’ll give you a pass, Chanyeol, because after all the times that you’ve tried with us, I still went out and kissed some other guy.”
Chanyeol said nothing, his arms limp by his side as he watched the latter ramble.
“I blacked out at that place. Either I blacked out because I drank too much or someone gave me a good, hard fuck that I--”
“Enough!” Chanyeol growled. He turned his back and walked to the brunet’s dresser. “I don’t want to hear another word, Baekhyun. Get out of your clothes and change.”
“You want to see the marks they left on my body? Hm? Here.” Baekhyun shrugged off his jacket and began working on his shirt. “I’ll show you--”
“I said stop it!”
“Make me! Do something to make me stop!”
“What do you want me to do!? Believe you!?” Chanyeol asked, his voice becoming unsteady. “Is that what you want? You want me to believe you went and you cheated on me? Fine! You went out and you fucked some guy I don’t know! Great! Now change out of your clothes so we can go to bed.”
“You don’t believe me… Why can’t you accept the fact that I’m no good for you at all?”
“I said to stop it already, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said in a calmer voice. “I said I believed you. What more do you want?”
“You don’t believe me… I can see it in your eyes. You’re hurt, but you don’t believe it.”
“Because I know that’s not you, okay?”
“How do you know that it’s not?” Baekhyun pursed his lips. “I was a stranger when you picked me, Chanyeol… You don’t have me figured out.”
“I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Wouldn’t I?” Baekhyun challenged. “You don’t think that I can kiss another guy… A guy who’s so much more similar to I am than you will ever be. A man who’s older with the same musical taste and lifestyle… You don’t think that I wouldn’t let him touch me? Someone who’s much more fit for me and better than some high school basketball jock who wants to be a fucking teacher!?”
“I know what you’re trying to do--”
“You want to know what I did? I got on my knees and put my face down on the mattress. Since you’re a virgin, I’ll have to explain it to you. It’s the best position if you want to take a cock in good like a sl--”
Chanyeol shut the drawer with a slam and stomped over to where Baekhyun sat. He shoved the change of clothes beside the brunet and stepped away. “I know you’re lying... I know that you’re trying to push me away, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, Baek.”
“If it hurts, then go home.”
“This isn’t fair… I don’t know what I did wrong for you to start treating me like this.”
“I’m just a terrible person, Yeol,” Baekhyun said, softer but still sharp. “I’m stubborn, I’m awful--”
“You’re not--”
“I’m unpredictable, I’m insensitive, I’m hateful--”
“No, that’s not true--”
“I’m mean, I’m disgusting--”
“Baekhyun, you’re not--”
“I’m not good enough--”
“For me, you are!”
“And I’m the worst.” Baekhyun turned his body, grabbing the pillow on his bed and throwing it at Chanyeol’s head, hitting the athlete on the face. “Did you process all of that or are you stupid?”
“Stop this, please...”
Baekhyun almost flinched at Chanyeol’s plea. He lowered his eyes to avoid the other’s gaze. “If you’re going to cry, then cry at home. Not in here. Pick up your things and leave.”
“I can’t. Not when you’re like this.”
“Weren’t you the one who said that it’s pointless to try and talk to me when I’m in this state?”
“You haven’t changed yet or brushed your teeth. You can take a shower and I’ll help you if you want, Baek.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Baekhyun covered his face with his hands. “Do what a normal person would do to a cheating boyfriend and dump me already! Stop acting so nice!”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“I kissed someone else, Yeol.”
Chanyeol said nothing.
“I let him kiss me... and I didn’t even think about you before I kissed him back.”
Gripping his hands, Chanyeol turned away, grabbing his duffle bag and slinging the strap over his shoulder.
As Baekhyun watched him, sensing the other’s defeat, he sighed, his eyes looking down at the hardwood floors. “I’m not going to prom with you… I know you were going to ask me some time this week, but I already have a date… I’m going with Jihoon. He’s going to take me, so you should probably start finding someone else to go with soon but that shouldn’t be too hard, because who wouldn’t want to go with--
“I get it already. I’m not stupid, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said in a quiet voice as he folded the futon and the blanket the brunet’s mother had given him for his stay. “You know I wanted to go with you… Prom wasn’t what was important to me. The important thing about it was you. I wanted to make memories, and if you didn’t want to go to prom, I would’ve taken you out somewhere else.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to…”
Pausing, Chanyeol looked up at the male on the bed. “I think you’re too drunk and out of your mind to know how much your words hurt tonight, Baek.”
“I’m fine.”
“You always say you are, but you’re not…” Pushing the folded blankets and futon under the brunet’s bed, Chanyeol took a while to sit in silence on the floor… “Since you’re drunk and brave right now, tell me why you want me to break up with you so badly.”
“Because you won’t let me break up with you.”
“That’s because whenever you bring it up, you sound like you’re asking against your own will,” Chanyeol muttered. Baekhyun said nothing in response, and the athlete took it upon himself to get up and give his boyfriend an indescribable look. “I want to say that I love you, but it feels like the more I say it, the farther you try to run from me.”
“Seems like you’re not that stupid after all…”
Pursing his lips, Chanyeol nodded. “Right.” He turned to face the door. “I’ll check up on you tomorrow. I’ll call.”
“I won’t answer.”
“Then I’ll just… I'll just give you your space.”
It wasn’t space that Baekhyun wanted. He wanted Chanyeol to cut him off, to rid himself of him, but nothing came from his throat, not even an objection. When the door shut behind the athlete, Baekhyun broke down, pulling his knees against him, unaware that Chanyeol had stayed by the door, listening to his sobs while trying to keep his own misery quiet.
a/n: Just so Baekhyun doesn't get any weird hate, yall should know he was lying... in case you missed it lol. OH AND I PUT IN SOME VERY IMPORTANT DIAGLOGUE HINTS ABOUT STUFF... If you caught it, nice. Anyways, 44 is in the works. Part 2 of this terrible journey. Baekhyun definately wasn't his usual..self.. I feel like.. lol