Like Night and Day 51 (Part 1)
Like Night and Day 51 (Part 1) : Catastrophic Blues
The regional basketball game ended in ruptured cheers. Their school had won and all of the students who sat closer to the edge of the court rushed to the center to celebrate with the team members, but Baekhyun chose to quietly make his way down the stairs, hoping to slip past without notice. However, unlike in the past, he didn’t leave and simply waited for Chanyeol outside the exit doors-just as he had promised.
As people began to exit the gymnasium, many of them passed by Baekhyun in groups as he stood in the corner by himself. A part of him felt envious of those who had others to be with at such a time. Excluded and invisible, just as he had always wanted-but maybe that was a lie in and of itself. Baekhyun pursed his lips, forcing himself to look away and stare off into the sky.
The sound of people began to fade as he fell into thought with himself. He was only eighteen, and yet the weight of the world already felt like a burden on his shoulders that he was struggling to uphold. The vastness of the sky reminded him how small his existence was in comparison to the universe. Everything he struggled with seemed so minuscule and unimportant in the grand scheme of everything that his life was meant to be. And yet, there was a mental barrier, keeping him stuck.
Of all the people in the world, Park Chanyeol was the only one who saw him. Whether Baekhyun was invisible or just another face in the crowd, Chanyeol always knew where to find him. Like all the stars in the sky, Baekhyun was Park Chanyeol’s guiding light-his Polaris.
However, repeated acts of kindness and forgiveness repaid a thousand times over with tears and harsh words that drowned in a sea of regret… Baekhyun could only stay silent. How many times had he felt so undeserving, desperate for validation that he was never worth the trouble, and for all of it to crumble at his feet every time Chanyeol appeared, willing to talk things over and move past it all. No matter how far he went, Chanyeol seemingly followed-as friends, as lovers, as exes, and as…
Baekhyun sighed. It didn’t take much of a genius to understand the complexities of emotions behind Chanyeol’s eyes. In another universe, maybe they were back together and happier than ever. In truth, Chanyeol wasn’t the only one pining for that alternative possibility, but Baekhyun knew it all better than anything in the world that he simply wasn’t ready for that outcome.
Chanyeol could love and accept him just as he was in that very moment, but it would never change the fact that Baekhyun was unhappy with himself. He was fully intent on pushing everyone away simply on the self-destructive belief that he deserves no one but his miserable self-even if he didn’t mean to think this way. Having felt stuck in the same place with the same sense of self for so long, there was only one thing that Baekhyun wanted to do in the world and that was to run.
Run and never look back. Not to leave the people he loved behind, but to run away from himself and lose parts of his own shadow that he never liked. The world was too big and unknown to never experience at all, and the small town they lived in had always felt too suffocating. Baekhyun had struggled with the desire to simply disappear and hit the reset button on his life once graduation came and went, but the thought of leaving Chanyeol in the past in exchange for a future so unknown was always…
So selfishly unthinkable.
It was clear to everybody that Park Chanyeol was still in love with Byun Baekhyun…and it was clear to Chanyeol what Baekhyun could only say through passing glances and unspoken truths. But he loved him enough to respect the fact that they were simply friends at the moment.
The future was uncertain, but Baekhyun knew that for him to be happy, he had to leave… Even if it did mean leaving Chanyeol behind. Months may turn into years before his return, but asking Chanyeol to wait for a love that may or may not have faded by that time was too cruel of a fate to ask of him, especially when Baekhyun had done nothing up until that point to be deserving of such loyalty.
In the end, Baekhyun could only close his eyes and daydream about that alternative universe.
Caught up in the midst of wondering what their future could’ve been in another timeline, Baekhyun felt himself jump as someone came around and poked his cheek with a playful finger. Looking up, he saw Chanyeol smiling at him, amused. His hair was disheveled and the jacket he had thrown over his basketball uniform was crooked as if he had been in a hurry to quickly put it on before running out to meet someone. All in all, he did look a bit silly, but Baekhyun couldn’t help as he smiled back.
“I texted you as soon as I got away from the team, but you didn’t see it. I told you to keep your phone on you, didn’t I?”
Baekhyun blinked as he tried to recall their past conversation. He was a bit dazed from everything. “Oh… Right.” He quickly reached into his back pocket and took out his phone. “I didn’t even notice you texted me. Sorry.”
“It's okay. I was just worried I wouldn't be able to find you with all these tall people around,” Chanyeol said, jokingly. “But then again, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at guessing your hiding places. You don’t like crowds that much so I was thinking that I’d probably find you in a corner somewhere.”
“Wow. Were you always a genius, Park?”
“Only with you.” Chanyeol smiled as he gripped the strap of the duffle bag on his shoulder. “Did you take the bus here?”
Baekhyun nodded. “I did,” he said, slowly. His eyes glanced over at the parked charter buses that their school had used to transport the basketball team to the game. “Are you sure you’re allowed to go off on your own without them?”
“I can go wherever I want,” Chanyeol replied before adding, “with whoever I want. Plus, I already told them I had other plans after this.”
“Those plans being…?”
“Going home with you.” Chanyeol grabbed the latter’s hand and slowly started to lead both of them to the nearest bus stop.
As they weaved in and out between the people that had yet to disperse from the school grounds, Baekhyun felt as Chanyeol’s grip on his hand tightened, as if scared to lose him in the crowd. In turn, he lightly grazed the top of Chanyeol’s hand with his thumb.
Once at the stop, Chanyeol looked on his phone and gathered that they had between five to ten minutes before the next late-night bus came around. They weren’t the only people waiting, so they occupied a space slightly farther from the rest. In the dark with only a few street lights present, it was hard to see everything around them with full clarity, but only they knew how their hands had yet to leave one another despite the need no longer being there.
After a while, Chanyeol turned to look down at Baekhyun who had turned his gaze the other way-as if he couldn’t bring himself to turn in Chanyeol’s direction.
“Can I ask you something?”
Baekhyun didn’t say anything at first, but eventually nodded. “What is it?”
“After…” Chanyeol paused. He seemed too afraid to ask. “After we graduate, I’m moving to Seoul for university. I’m looking into getting a degree in Education. I think I might want to become a teacher, you know?”
“Can’t say I’m that surprised.” Although his voice was teasing, Baekhyun couldn’t help but hide his smile. “No doubt you’re going to be a popular teacher with your personality and all. You're also not that ugly.”
Chanyeol blushed. “I get a bit embarrassed every time you compliment me,” he muttered. “Do you really mean that?”
Baekhyun shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll have all the parents and your fellow teachers just fawning over you. I mean, one smile and I’m afraid you’ll have all the single parents at your doorstep.”
“And you?”
“Hm? What about me?”
“Are you going to be at my doorstep, too?”
Raising his brows, Baekhyun gave him a side glance. “Do I have to be a single parent?”
“Mmm… I wouldn't mind being a step-dad,” Chanyeol grinned. “I wouldn’t mind opening my door for you.”
Baekhyun bit back his tongue, waiting a few seconds for him to recollect himself. Of all the things that Chanyeol knew how to do, it was throwing Baekhyun off with simple ease. “Anyways,” he said, clearly his throat, “what did you want to ask me?”
Chanyeol was silent for a moment before asking, “What about you? What would you…like to do once we graduate?”
Although the question was simple and only displayed a sense of surface-level inquiry, Baekhyun understood the meaning behind it all. In another sense, the question was clear: what is in the future for us?
There was only so much in the universe that Chanyeol could control; his own life being one of them. He was more than fully aware that he could never force Baekhyun to be or feel anything other than what was true to his own self, so he had to ask.
Softly offering a smile, Baekhyun squeezed the hand that had been nervously gripping onto his since the time they had left that corner near the gymnasium. “Maybe I’ll do something with music… but I do plan on leaving. That much is true.”
“Leaving?” Chanyeol seemed surprised. A hint of worry washed across his face. “Where are you going?”
“No matter where I am, aren’t you always going to just pop out and find me?”
“I mean…”
“Don’t give me that look,” Baekhyun said, heaving his shoulders. “I’ll send you postcards from time to time, maybe.”
That answer wasn’t good enough from the look on Chanyeol’s face, but he accepted it, nonetheless. Changing the subject, he sighed and dropped his gaze to the ground. “I know you hate apologies from me, and before you cut me off, I just want to say this one thing… I’m sorry I took Nana to prom and let her kiss me like that. I think a part of me wanted to hurt you and make you jealous, but I shouldn’t have crossed that line. Especially after I found out she was the one who wrote those letters to you- You have to believe me. I'm sorry for being that selfish.”
Baekhyun wanted to laugh. He pursed his lips, heaving a sigh as he turned his head and looked up at the boy next to him. “For that night and everything leading up to it…You didn't deserve any of it… so, I’m sorry, too. I accept your apology just for the sake of saying so, but just know I never blamed you for doing the things that you did. You were just playing to get even, and that, to me, was fair.”
Chanyeol looked dolefully at him. “Can I say one more thing before the bus turns that corner? And, um, no pressure to respond to it at all if you don't want to.”
“Sure.”
“You’ll probably think I’m stupid for even saying this but I just want to put this out there. I mean, I'd rather feel stupid afterwards than to regret never saying it at all, but... I do still love you. But also, I want to see you happy with or without me--I'm hoping it's the latter."
Silence ensued as the bus approached and the people around them began to inch closer to the sign. The two of them stayed right as they were. “I don't think you're stupid, Park... I feel the same way."
-
-
On the day of their graduation, Baekhyun took a single photo.
Once the ceremony had ended and the campus ground became filled with students accompanied by their parents and relatives, Baekhyun sought out Kyungsoo. Unlike the others who were celebrating with their loved ones, Kyungsoo stood by the gates of the school alone by himself. As Baekhyun approached, the latter raised his gaze up from his phone, offering the faintest smile he could muster.
“You couldn’t even be bothered to say good-bye? Can’t America wait a few more minutes?” Baekhyun said it as a joke, but a part of him did feel a bit slighted. “I was wondering where you were.”
“Blame my old man for scheduling this flight so close to the scheduled ceremony. Luckily, everything’s packed and I just need to get to the airport from here…” Kyungsoo reached out and touched Baekhyun’s cheek. “Don’t look so sad. It’s going to make me regret leaving.”
“I know why you don’t like to stick around for good-byes,” Baekhyun said softly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you should still say it, at least to me. Aren’t we friends?”
“Has hanging around that idiot made you stupid? Of course, we are. Always have been, always will be.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, trying to avoid meeting Baekhyun’s. Though he fully intended to never admit it in words, Kyungsoo was a single broken strand away from unraveling, so he did his best to keep his tone neutral and gaze away from the latter. It was the most that he could do. “Anyways, my father will be here soon. I’ll be sure to get in touch with you once I’ve settled in my dorm, so I’ll give you my mailing address then.”
The way he spoke made it seem as though he was only moving away a few houses down. In reality, they’d be oceans and timezones apart. Their lives were destined to diverge and as years pass, this moment between them would be nothing more than a singular blip in time.
Baekhyun nodded, giving a half-hearted smile before he reached over and gave Kyungsoo a quick hug. Both had always expressed a hatred for physical intimacy, and yet they cherished small moments of it-- if only in secret.
Pulling away, Baekhyun let his hand linger on Kyungsoo’s shoulder before letting go once he noticed a car beginning to approach. With a heavy heart, he took a step back and the two of them stood in silence for a few moments before Baekhyun said, “I’ll miss you.”
“Don’t be an idiot.” Scoffing, Kyungsoo turned his head as he began to walk his way over to the car. “I’ll miss you, too.”
-
-
Finding Chanyeol wasn’t a difficult task. By the courtyard was a tree where the man had taken refuge from the girls that had been chasing him for the chance of receiving the second button on his uniform. Despite doing Chanyeol a favor by chasing them away, Jongin had inadvertently made himself their newest target and was making his own rounds of trying to lose them himself. Although he felt a bit sorry for his friend, Chanyeol’s face had lit up the moment he saw Baekhyun slowly walking his way over. Moving over, he made space on the grass and the latter sat down next to him.
Without saying a word, Baekhyun reached over and grabbed Chanyeol’s palm, placing his personal button in the center. At first, Chanyeol seemed surprised, but before Baekhyun could pull his hand away, Chanyeol closed his fingers and brought the latter’s knuckles to his lips. With his other hand, Chanyeol reached into his front pocket and dug out his own button. Just as Baekhyun had done, he placed it in the brunet’s hand and finally let him go.
Leaning against the tree, Baekhyun opened his hand and held the button up to the sky. He had always wondered why something so small and manufactured could be so symbolically important to others. It seemed stupid… Like it was a waste of time.
And yet, he noticed how his fingers trembled like he was afraid to lose such a stupid little thing. Baekhyun brought the button closer to his chest before he clutched it closed. In that moment, he noticed Chanyeol handing him over something else, and upon closer look, he realized it was an earbud. The other pair was already in Chanyeol’s right ear, so taking his lead, Baekhyun placed it in his own.
It felt like they were in a bubble, isolated from everyone else. For a small moment in time, they were invisible to everyone but each other. Chanyeol let the music play and watched as Baekhyun took out his phone. After feeling satisfied with the aesthetic, he took a photo of the sky with both the button and tree in the frame.
With Baekhyun’s button still in his hand, Chanyeol closed his eyes, smiling weakly to himself before he felt the other rest his head on his shoulder. In silence, the unspoken worries and questions regarding the future loomed between them, but neither one of them spoke. They were too young to hope for anything more than the present, but like the buttons that had been exchanged, they held onto that small, insignificant little thing.
「 ✦ song 2 ✦ 」
(part 2)