we broke up + hiatus
hi,
so i've decided to go into hiatus.
i'll be dropping out of my fic fest duties and so on, because i'm just not in the right state of mind right now.
something happened 2 weeks ago and if you caught the drift on what happened, then you'd know how difficult its been on me and him for this time. i've forgiven him, but he can't forgive himself and emotions have been building up, guilt, as well as everyone's opinion on what he should do, and today, he broke up with me.
i spent all day since then to be fine with it. i've tried to reassure myself that its space that he wants, he wants time for himself, but the more he talked to me, the more hopeless it got. i can't explain everything here and i don't want to because words will never fully describe everything that happened.
tl;dr -- i tried everything to work things out and be hopeful, but charles has his own issues and his mom telling him what he should do, and ultimately, he's doing what she's telling him...
i'm not going to tell you all the entire story. i'm not judging him for what he's choosing to do because he's deciding to focus on school after everything thats happened so can i call him selfish for that?.... but, at the same time, i'm hurt.
because i don't want to be "friends" and i told him that. because i don't want to picture him with someone else, doing everything that we used to do... because the worst type of breakup is the type where you both still love each other, but i feel like im holding on more and i have to be the one to let go. because everyone else already let go. because everyone else said to break up, and he broke up with me, and i'm the idiot who's still holding on.
i haven't stopped crying since 12 this noon. its been on and off again. i can put on a fake act with others around but charles and i, when we're alone, its just crying.
right now my head hurts. its 2am and my eyes hurt. i can't sleep. i don't want to sleep and wake up to this.
the reason why i want to discontinue lnad is because i wrote chanyeol in high school to be my ideal guy. and then college happened and charles came alone, so half-way i began writing chanyeol after him... and now, i can't look at lnad anymore. because they broke up and i dont know how to fix it, and i couldn't even fix my own relationship.
i feel alone right now. we've told our friends but its no help. no one can help me with what i'm feeling right now no matter how hard they try. no amount of fanfiction or books or whatever can ever prepare you for this type of heartbreak. i thought i'd be fine if we ever broke up but the circumstances just made everything worse.
so i'm sorry if im just not in the mood to tweet or post or write or anything. i know boys shouldn't be the center of your world. but i thought charles would be different.... i really thought he'd be different.
this isnt the entire story so if you have any judgements on him or i, its not relevant. we're both tired. i have to wake up tomorrow knowing he's not my boyfriend anymore even though my heart is telling me that he's still my soulmate.
its stupid and you can call me stupid but... deep in my heart, i know he is.
but you don't always end up with your soulmate i guess. i thought that maybe it'd be different, but... maybe down the line, we'll get back together again. or maybe he'll date someone else, i don't know, and maybe i'll move on and try to forget about him, but right now, i don't see soul feeling any different about him today than i felt about him the first day he asked me out.
he asked if he could sleep over and i said yes. i spent 30 minutes crying in the dark while hugging him and him hugging me back. the scientist and fix you played on my phone because i thought it'd help me sleep but as i stared at my ceiling, it just felt so... official. those two songs are like the ending credits of our story and it just... made me so sad.
because i really wish we could go back to the start, even if i knew the ending would be the same, i would want to go back just to relive our 1 year and 4 months together.
even if i still got hurt in the end, because i still love him that much.
and maybe i'll look back at this post thinking about how stupid i am for being so heartbroken and sad and in love with a boy like this, but right now, this is how i feel.
thank you for being understanding. bad bitches don't cry but today and for a while, i won't be a bad bitch... i'll just be fara and i'm going to cry because it hurts a lot and i tried too hard for nothing...
i'll always love charles and he'll always love me... but for some reason, i feel like i'll always love him a bit more than i should and i know thats stupid, but... i'm trying hard to not let that be because in the end, i'm only letting myself down again.
good night and thank you again for all of you who supported us. charles & fara the youtube will remain up even though it hurts me because charles said that those are memories, but i cant look at those videos right now... it hurts
i hope for a day when i wont think about him and burst out crying, and im scared and hurting over the day he'll find someone else to love the way he loved me...
but i'll be fine. somehow.
-fara
so i've decided to go into hiatus.
i'll be dropping out of my fic fest duties and so on, because i'm just not in the right state of mind right now.
something happened 2 weeks ago and if you caught the drift on what happened, then you'd know how difficult its been on me and him for this time. i've forgiven him, but he can't forgive himself and emotions have been building up, guilt, as well as everyone's opinion on what he should do, and today, he broke up with me.
i spent all day since then to be fine with it. i've tried to reassure myself that its space that he wants, he wants time for himself, but the more he talked to me, the more hopeless it got. i can't explain everything here and i don't want to because words will never fully describe everything that happened.
tl;dr -- i tried everything to work things out and be hopeful, but charles has his own issues and his mom telling him what he should do, and ultimately, he's doing what she's telling him...
i'm not going to tell you all the entire story. i'm not judging him for what he's choosing to do because he's deciding to focus on school after everything thats happened so can i call him selfish for that?.... but, at the same time, i'm hurt.
because i don't want to be "friends" and i told him that. because i don't want to picture him with someone else, doing everything that we used to do... because the worst type of breakup is the type where you both still love each other, but i feel like im holding on more and i have to be the one to let go. because everyone else already let go. because everyone else said to break up, and he broke up with me, and i'm the idiot who's still holding on.
i haven't stopped crying since 12 this noon. its been on and off again. i can put on a fake act with others around but charles and i, when we're alone, its just crying.
right now my head hurts. its 2am and my eyes hurt. i can't sleep. i don't want to sleep and wake up to this.
the reason why i want to discontinue lnad is because i wrote chanyeol in high school to be my ideal guy. and then college happened and charles came alone, so half-way i began writing chanyeol after him... and now, i can't look at lnad anymore. because they broke up and i dont know how to fix it, and i couldn't even fix my own relationship.
i feel alone right now. we've told our friends but its no help. no one can help me with what i'm feeling right now no matter how hard they try. no amount of fanfiction or books or whatever can ever prepare you for this type of heartbreak. i thought i'd be fine if we ever broke up but the circumstances just made everything worse.
so i'm sorry if im just not in the mood to tweet or post or write or anything. i know boys shouldn't be the center of your world. but i thought charles would be different.... i really thought he'd be different.
this isnt the entire story so if you have any judgements on him or i, its not relevant. we're both tired. i have to wake up tomorrow knowing he's not my boyfriend anymore even though my heart is telling me that he's still my soulmate.
its stupid and you can call me stupid but... deep in my heart, i know he is.
but you don't always end up with your soulmate i guess. i thought that maybe it'd be different, but... maybe down the line, we'll get back together again. or maybe he'll date someone else, i don't know, and maybe i'll move on and try to forget about him, but right now, i don't see soul feeling any different about him today than i felt about him the first day he asked me out.
he asked if he could sleep over and i said yes. i spent 30 minutes crying in the dark while hugging him and him hugging me back. the scientist and fix you played on my phone because i thought it'd help me sleep but as i stared at my ceiling, it just felt so... official. those two songs are like the ending credits of our story and it just... made me so sad.
because i really wish we could go back to the start, even if i knew the ending would be the same, i would want to go back just to relive our 1 year and 4 months together.
even if i still got hurt in the end, because i still love him that much.
and maybe i'll look back at this post thinking about how stupid i am for being so heartbroken and sad and in love with a boy like this, but right now, this is how i feel.
thank you for being understanding. bad bitches don't cry but today and for a while, i won't be a bad bitch... i'll just be fara and i'm going to cry because it hurts a lot and i tried too hard for nothing...
i'll always love charles and he'll always love me... but for some reason, i feel like i'll always love him a bit more than i should and i know thats stupid, but... i'm trying hard to not let that be because in the end, i'm only letting myself down again.
good night and thank you again for all of you who supported us. charles & fara the youtube will remain up even though it hurts me because charles said that those are memories, but i cant look at those videos right now... it hurts
i hope for a day when i wont think about him and burst out crying, and im scared and hurting over the day he'll find someone else to love the way he loved me...
but i'll be fine. somehow.
-fara